My friend commit suicide

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It honestly feels like I'm in hell right now, as if everything became pitch black. I keep experiencing nightmares and tormented sleep with myself imagining calling out my friend to try and stop him, with my friend moving farther and farther away as my deafening cries to stop vainly fall on deaf ears, like a dramatic scene from an anime where the character tries running over to stop their friends from dying but they're moving while only getting farther away. I woke up feeling miserable and pondering over why my friend decided to do it, how he could do it, and feeling broken realizing the guy whom I thought was the funniest and positive guy to be around was harboring deep suicidal ideation neither me nor his family detected nor could stop. The suicide happened so suddenly, so unexpectedly, literally so abruptly that 1 day before he commit suicide I was hanging out with him at the gym and we had worked out and played basketball together without any problems or any indication of a fog looming over him portending he was feeling suicidal. To say I'm in a daze that feels like a horrible nightmare would be an understatement; it honestly feels like I'm in hell, no ambiguity, no exaggeration this feels like some horrible nightmare that I'm stuck in and wonder if there is some way to wake up.

I've so far experienced 4 different nightmares, all symbolic and sending me very complex and esoteric messages having to do with my friend's suicide. One of the nightmares I've already mentioned was me trying to chase after my friend and yell at him to stop, only for me to get farther and farther away as he zoomed out as if he was the focus of a linear perspective portrait. Another nightmare he went to visit me and hang out with me and my friends, all having fun and enjoying ourselves a good time, until the vibrant and jubilant theme was whiplashed by the most somber look my friend gave as he began to look at the worldly possessions he left behind, then he remarked stoically and with a tone of wistfulness "tell me more about my worldly possessions" and then like that his spirit vanished. Even typing this is hard for me and I'd rather not say the rest of my dreams as they're very painful for me.

It's really hard to move forward tbh. My friend and I knew each other since we were literally 3, no joke; my friend's parents and my parents were actually also best friends, so we lived next to each other and slept over at each other's houses since the time I was 5 and he was 6. My friend was the one that got me into sports, working out, he was also a huge nerd and introduced me to my favorite anime and video games like super smash brothers and even Pokemon. I remember growing up as a kid always visiting his home and playing on the Wii he used to own, and after playing Wii for several hours we'd then go on adventures outside, all exciting and the types of wild make believe adventures most kids now don't do but which my friend and I used to do; hunting worms in a sewer system, catching grasshoppers, playing with lizards outside, swimming in lakes, and even inventing cool make believe games that kids used to do for fun back in the 90s (I was born in 1996) that kids don't do as much now but which was common back in the era of the Magic Tree house. From how much I spent time growing up with him and his family I even began to address his parents as my uncle and aunt and was invited to their family events because I became their family.

Honestly there is so much I can write, so much I can say, but honestly Im just incoherently rambling right now because I honestly don't know where to start or what to say and even how to end given how many fun and wholesome memories we had together growing up. To say my life feels empty and like a massive chunk of myself was surgically severed from me would be an understatement. To say that reality itself feels bleak and dark and unbearable would be an even bigger understatement. I still don't understand how someone I knew so well I knew close to nothing about, because until now as much as I try to retroactively make sense of his suicide and ex post facto decipher it, I still don't see how it happened or where it came from. Every time I saw him he had the wide trademark smile he was known for, he was always a cool guy who never seemed to harboring a burden like suicide, there was nothing that made his suicide seem obvious even with hindsight bias. It was a blindspot that even until now I never saw coming.

I am sorry for what you are going through.

Please understand that his suicide was not your fault -- you are not responsible for the choices he made or the actions he took.

Please find someone you can talk to face-to-face ... someone who will listen to you even if you have nothing to say.

And cry. Cry all you want. This tragedy hurts all the way down.

Some of us have been through the same thing. I hope that at least one of us can help you through it.

(Hugs.)

Thanks for the support. I know I never made him commit suicide, but all my nightmares and torment makes me believe that I could have stopped it somehow even though I never saw any signs.

You were obviously a good friend to him anyway. Playing games, going on adventures, and just having fun is what makes good friends good.

Can you write down more of what you two used to do together? I mean, can you kinda write a biography so that others can understand how good he was and why you miss him? It doesn't have to be coherent or in chronological order, just write stuff down.

"I remember when ..."

I'm really sorry for your deep, deep loss of your life long friend. I can't imagine how much pain you are going through.

Some people who take their own lives don't show any outwardly signs, it wasn't your fault man.

Sorry to hear about your huge loss

My heart feels very heavy for you .!

I understand salad. My 2 real friends that understood me did the same thing. My prayers are with you.

Thanks man, and sorry for your losses too.

Thank you

(((Salad)))

I am so sorry for this horrific loss. You were a good friend and he was also a good friend. The loss is tragic.

I lost a dear friend to suicide a few years ago, so I understand what you're going through. I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is always a painful, emotional meat grinder. But when someone in your life chooses to opt out of this life, it is the most painful experiences to get through and process.

I'm really sorry for this. Way too young. It's not fair.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you, it's extremely hard because he was in the prime of his life and no one thought he would die so young. There was so much in his life ahead of him, it tortures me seeing someone I knew so well and spent most of my life with vanish like that without any warning, especially when there was so much more to enjoy in life.