I've lost the will to live at this point

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From my best friend's suicide last week and the ensuing nightmares and sleep terror that have resulted from this pain and torment, to my family breaking apart and self destructing because the women in my family are drawn to abusive thugs and the men in my family trash who have no qualms picking on women weaker than them, to me not getting the job ive spent so long working hard for, to falling behind my classmates and peers who have all graduated and are progressing rapidly while I'm still trudging through accomplishing basic things that used to be a cake walk in my prime but which I've barely even moved an inch because of external circumstances and deteriorating health, honestly my willpower to live and enjoy life has vanished.

I have lost the motivation to do all the things that make me happy and that I enjoy: reading, research, computer programming, working out, writing my book (I wanted to be an author), traveling, etc. ive lost almost all willpower to do anything anymore. I'm a member on reddit, and every time I feel like posting on the subreddits on topics I'm really passionate about I begin writing, then lose all motivation to post anything so I end up deleting whatever I wrote and end up posting nothing. Mind you when I was happier and better in my life I would spend hours engrossed in debating, discussing and posting about things I care about online - whether reddit or other websites - but right now I dont have the mental energy nor even the drive to do something as basic as post anything, no matter how much I try. Even writing this post I'm writing in a numb, depressed and broken state, as if I can't feel anything. Thats why a few days ago on WP I posted an extremely offensive post about women being gullible, when I would normally have the feelings and sense of apprehension about typing offensive things, right now I feel so dead and asleep that I wrote like a zombie not even feeling anything, not feeling any inhibition that used to make my writing much more thought out and sensible.

Sometimes I honestly just feel like ending my life, but I dont even have the willpower nor the drive to do that, so I spend my time now for the past while just wasting and killing time - whether by just sitting dead on youtube trying to watch something entertaining, or wasting whatever little money I make now eating junk food from outside the house. Sometimes though I feel so depressed and hopeless that I go the whole day without eating and just starve myself because I dont even have the will to get out of bed and make myself food.

I honestly dont know what to do. It took every ounce of willpower to even write this post, because truthfully I didn't even feel like typing anything. but I can't, no I'm not able to go on in a half dead state like a zombie having my life wasted before my eyes and all my dreams destroyed. my dreams mean everything to me, but right now I'm so so so far away from the path I set for myself, so derailed from the path I used to be on, that it feels hopeless and today is one of those days that is testing my will to even continue living.

You are in a state of mourning, I sense.

Many people, when they are in a state of mourning, become obsessed with their work.

When I'm depressed, I always find it good to be doing something which takes my mind off the depression. This makes the time go faster.

I am glad that you know that it is a waste if you ended your life at such a young age.

It sounds like grief, or mourning, to me too.

There is a certain amount of time required when one is going to just feel sad at the loss of a loved one. When it is a loss by suicide, it turns your world upside down. Nothing makes sense.

If you live in the USA, hospices are required to provide grief counseling free of charge to anyone who has experienced a loss, regardless of how the loved one died, or if the loved one was a hospice patient. They usually have support groups too.

Just being with others and knowing others are feeling the same, or at least similarly, can be comforting.

Dear Salad ... so sorry you're having such a hard time right now. Loss and mourning are having an impact. Life can be ridiculously tough, but time passes. Everything in life is temporary ... at least that's what I've found. Hope you find the strenth as time passes, to get back to setting goals for yourself, and doing your best to reach them. Don't lose hope ... sometimes you've just got to take it one day at a time ... you are not alone. Hugs.

hanging in there , where your at your worst can define the very quality of being a human , especially of someone on the spectrum . Altruism does not necessarily apply only to persons outside ourselves but also to ones self aswell .. WB btw.