I want to change

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Today I spiralled and it hit me how much I needed to change. This is going to sound very silly to many on this site who aren't my age... because it is! I noticed a rise in my paranoia recently. I'd think I could hear people talking about me, see people looking at mew and was starting to think certain people were messing with me with a lot of conviction. Every time I'd leave a room I would be almost certain they were laughing about me. Today, someone I know unfollowed me on social media and in this state I went from believing they found me annoying, to thinking they hated me to then believing that everyone I know finds me annoying, especially my German class (which is where they are from) which ended with me disabling my account and breaking down into tears as I became convinced I was secretly a laughing stock who people are only nice to as a secret joke.

In the past I would have reacted by not only disabling my account but blocking all my friends so they couldn't contact me and then avoiding them. After that I would probably do some other self sabotaging behaviour like over eating and then stay up all night exercising because I felt fat. Self care and hygiene would go out the window and I would go on a downward spiral for weeks until my next happy spot would come and I'd do something dumb, starting the cycle again.

I don't want to stay this way and I want to change. Instead of making thing worse I did mindfulness to calm myself down and called a friend. Later I will exercise to try and get my mood up and again, I will talk to my friend who will try to help me think of solutions to my problems and I will try to change. But what if I fail?

I feel like I might have a shot of getting a little better and I've gotten so far in the past almost 6 years of mental illness. I just am terrified at the idea of change because I feel that if I become too optimistic I can only be dissapointed because what always appears most alluring is that which will make it worse and I feel like I am meant to have things go badly for me. Part of me believes I am built for it and so it is the best I can hope for.

I realised how much this self loathing that controls me has seeped in and has controlled every aspect of my life. I think I like things that others find disturbing because part of me sees myself as off putting, I think I act how I do around the people I'm attracted to because I don't think I'm worthy of being liked or anyone could ever, I think I eat junk despite not genuinely liking the taste of it because part of me thinks I shouldn't ever be what I view as attractive and I think I don't study well because I'm afraid of doing so and failing. If I commit to doing all I plan then I run the risk of all these good things happening and that is terrifying because I will feel like I don't deserve them.

I want to change but the idea of doing so has me terrified in a way I can't fully explain. When things go good I get anxious and want to turn back. Anxiety is like weird addiction. I don't know.....

Anxiety for some people is familiar, in most situations I'll choose the known over the unknown. It's more predictable and less out of our control.

It is a choice though and an active one when we are self aware. I've often stood back and reflected while in the act of self sabotage and wondered at the madness I had chosen to engage in.

Positive self talk has been the key for me, I leave post-it notes for myself with affirmations in well used places, to help condition myself towards a kinder way of being for me. Its mostly about self care, I put them in surprise places like in the cutlery drawer and obvious places like over the bathroom mirror.

The addiction part could be separate to the anxiety, though it is related through the coping mechanisms we developed before we had names or awareness for what was happening.

An old response to the need for self regulation or control can be replaced with a different approach like the healthier self care option, its takes time though to break free from old habits and choosing the familiar shortcuts.

My negative self talk was at least half the problem, its taken the best part of a year to change it, it's still there, not gone but I have some manners on it now.

In my way, right there with you. Just today a friend said, "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you." I get that a lot. She even suggested that I belong much more than I think I do. Hmmm.

Kudos to you for your awareness and shifting your behavior!! !!

In my recent ASD clinical report it says I appear satisfied with myself and less motivated than others to change. What?! !! !! !! ! I have two therapists and a third on standby, with near daily multiple meltdowns … b/c I am wholly satisfied with myself... not!

I am in an environment where a particular person with influence has a low opinion of me in certain ways (like you I am trying to keep it specific and not to generalize it to all people, or all ways). My 8yo ASD-like daughter did that the other day: "awfulizing" --- she said she hadn't done her best which would lead to this and that until she was near certain she's be kicked out... I was like I appreciate you striving for improvement and let's start back at present...

Again, good job taking self-care steps!

Base your progress on something fixed. People are variable. One minute they may like you. The next minute they could be in a bad mood. Is nothing personal.

As a young child I used to get rages and start breaking things. Then I used to cry over the things that I had broken!

I am sorry you are in a slump. Not sure if I can help. I might suggest Acetyl L-Carnitine Therapy. Acetyl L-Carnitine is a modified amino acid and it touches upon a very diverse range of conditions that Aspies experience. The more I research this substance the greater I have become convinced that this is a major key.

This Is An Interesting Rabbit Hole!