No Idea How To Understand This Aspie Who I Care About

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Teach51
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17 Jan 2020, 10:16 am

I have abstained from talking to him and been trying to understand the boundaries of my CPTSD pathology and his own Aspergers and OCD. I have been seeing someone else meanwhile, an NT who is nice enough.

With my aspie, everything he is thinking is spoken. Unfiltered. Sometimes he makes himself vulnerable, sometimes his ungarnished honesty wounds me to the bone, though it is not directed against me.
The last time we spoke I told him his obsessive behaviour and rudeness are unacceptable.
Today he approached me in a very respectful and considerate manner. Polite, non-invasive, soft. He wants to meet tomorrow.

Sometimes his responses are little memorised idioms, he loves language, amusing. Sometimes he seems as detached from emotions as a robot. Others, he can find the most endearing and sensitive songs to play for me. He suddenly bursts into song, and his controlled, masked deep voice comes out high and perfectly in tune when he is feeling safe and unguarded. I love it.
Sometimes I think he is a narc, others a vulnerable child. I don't know why but he conquered my heart the first time we met when he blurted out that he is HFA and he is a sociopath and then started chatting happily about something else. He is obviously not a sociopath, though has been called one often enough, he is not bad intentioned, but he blunders through my emotions like an elephant in a china shop.

Well my friends, I am not in love, but yes I love this complex, tortured heart, this walking dictionary who's unfathomable to me. We bond physically on a level above words and vibrate together like a glorious symphony. Then it all goes belly up when he verbalises his thoughts mercilessly.
I am seeing him tomorrow. I am happy.


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Last edited by Teach51 on 17 Jan 2020, 11:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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17 Jan 2020, 10:42 am

I think you know this is a cyclic thing.

He'll charm you, then revert back to his old ways.

He's lucky to have a dedicated woman like you.



Teach51
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17 Jan 2020, 10:52 am

Yes you are right, it is a cyclic thing. We are addicted to each other. Sometimes I think that's a bad thing, and sometimes I think that we are two emotionally damaged misfits who somehow bring each other comfort and connection.


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kraftiekortie
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17 Jan 2020, 10:55 am

I also feel you're fascinated by this aspect of him. That he's a "challenge," so to speak.

Women have become bored of me because I don't present "enough of a challenge."



Teach51
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17 Jan 2020, 11:31 am

Is this what you feel? Maybe it's just a subjective feeling? You are the sweetest most adorable man, certainly not boring.


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SharonB
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17 Jan 2020, 12:03 pm

I was explaining to someone yesterday how my husband has NOT been with me during the hardest parts of my life b/c he is avoidant. That is awful, but then my husband has been with me for MOST of my life and that is wonderful. We are both "misfits" too and make a good pair. So while I miss that he could (can) not support me emotionally very well (and will "hide" during trauma), he is my Rock other times. He might say about me something more similar to what you wrote about your Aspie. I am definitely the Fire in our relationship; he is the Earth. We learned to "fight fair" and communication regularly and have a stable relationship (finally).



kraftiekortie
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17 Jan 2020, 12:05 pm

I've had that happen to me, yes. I've been explicitly told that:

1. I'm boring

2. I got "something missing."

But I don't let that deter me from "being me." That's the way I am. I'm not the iconoclast type.



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17 Jan 2020, 12:08 pm

I realize I didn't relate this very well to you, nor write anything to you that was directly considerate of your situation or encouraging. Sorry. I'm having a rough day. So often I don't want to be presumptuous. Here goes:

I glad you are excited to see him. I wish you both wellness on your journeys and travels in Life. (general, but true, how it all goes is quite the mystery and what is "best" just as equally so)



SharonB
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17 Jan 2020, 12:16 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I've had that happen to me, yes. I've been explicitly told that:

1. I'm boring


@Kraftie, my AS-like BFF calls herself "boring". I see us as the opposing ASD types (as you've probably seen me write in other posts I'm the "hyper" and she's the "hypo"). We are quite the pair. Between the two of us there is balance in the Universe. My NT husband is far more similar to her in personality than me, but he's physically active. I was disappointed when my BFF found herself a "boring" boyfriend --- but she says I add enough excitement for her, she doesn't need more. Her parents are equally boring, so I guess that was her role model. On the other hand my parents are in constant conflict. Funny Universe.



Teach51
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17 Jan 2020, 12:28 pm

SharonB wrote:
I realize I didn't relate this very well to you, nor write anything to you that was directly considerate of your situation or encouraging. Sorry. I'm having a rough day. So often I don't want to be presumptuous. Here goes:

I glad you are excited to see him. I wish you both wellness on your journeys and travels in Life. (general, but true, how it all goes is quite the mystery and what is "best" just as equally so)


Yes, thank you. Nothing is the "right" thing it seems. You are lovely Sharon, hope your day improves :heart:


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kraftiekortie
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17 Jan 2020, 1:00 pm

I'm both "hyper" and "hypo"---sometimes at the right times, and sometimes at the wrong times.



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17 Jan 2020, 1:59 pm

Dear Teach - we are like moths to the flame, it would seem... I too have been drawn to those who are ultimately unhealthy for me to be with, and yet the electricity is beyond amazing ... I'm not saying that this is the case for me currently, but certainly in the past. To break the cycle and have the strength to maintain that break ... all I can say is, good luck... and mean it :) ... Just messaged you(sorry for the delay, been soo tired lately!). You have such a good heart, and your nature and past contribute to make you a wonderful target for this type of man. You give so much ... also get alot back in some ways ... but ultimately, it's not really a healthy situation ... Love as always :heart:



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17 Jan 2020, 6:27 pm

There will always be good things and bad things about Aspies the question is does the good out way the bad? If you found a NT you would likely be exchanging one set of problems for another set of problems. An AS female is perfect for me I wouldn't want a NT female to be honest. I find many of them to be controlling and I would lock horns with them too much to be happy. I have friends who are married to NT females and they control the hell out of them they even tell the guy how he can spend his own pay check.


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Teach51
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18 Jan 2020, 4:42 am

Juliette wrote:
Dear Teach - we are like moths to the flame, it would seem... I too have been drawn to those who are ultimately unhealthy for me to be with, and yet the electricity is beyond amazing ... I'm not saying that this is the case for me currently, but certainly in the past. To break the cycle and have the strength to maintain that break ... all I can say is, good luck... and mean it :) ... Just messaged you(sorry for the delay, been soo tired lately!). You have such a good heart, and your nature and past contribute to make you a wonderful target for this type of man. You give so much ... also get alot back in some ways ... but ultimately, it's not really a healthy situation ... Love as always :heart:


There is much truth in your words. I also though need to examine closely if my flight or fight responses are hypervigilant, am I responding through my conditioned mechanisms of suspicion or mistrust?
This guy has never lied, or done me any deliberate harm, either physical or emotional.
My problem is that I don't trust my own judgement and am always on guard for an imminent disclosure that he is sinister and manipulative, because of my history.
I need the "electric" whether good or bad. I cannot erase the devastation of my formative childhood years, or my marriage. I seem to need the thrill of an abrasive, emotionally unavaiable man as much as food and water.

I am working on it in AEDP therapy, but I have confessed to my therapist that I am not optimistic that this lifelong conditioning regarding abuse is going to resolve itself.

He makes me feel alive. He is my drug of choice I admit it. He does not present any threat to me. The more I accept him the more open he is. Our hard disks are wired completely differently though. I am learning to ask questions, and I often find that he meant something completely different to what I automatically assumed. I usually assume the worst.
Also, as a non autistic (allistic) strangely enough I prefer bluntness and raw honesty to false compliments and insincere shmoozing, where there is often bad intent. I like the aspie way of thinking. I just don't always understand it.


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SharonB
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18 Jan 2020, 9:15 am

That's interesting. My NT husband has a history of trauma (and deception) and he married me b/c I was exciting and honest (his words). Our couple's counselor suggested that near all relationships would work with good communication, similar to you checking out the meaning of something. For us he recommended 20-min a week relationship talk, with 1-min turns each. It's nice b/c I can "keep" some issues for then and it clears up a lot, in a cooperative way. My husband is an under-talking (and I'm the over-), so the 1-min helps that he fills that time (while I keep my mouth closed).