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IntoThinAir
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30 Jan 2020, 4:14 pm

My wife is pregnant,so I've been thinking about parenting for the first time. I was listening to a story with a crying child and I thought "why don't they put on headphones and let the kid have it's tantrum, wait till they've collected themselves and can ask in a resonable, respectful manner." I've always thought positive reinforcement towards reason would be the best way to raise a child with self control. Then I realized that for the next three years or so I'm going to be raising a baby, who in the beginning wont even be able to talk, never mind talking respectfully. I kind of need a crash course in responding to emotion qua emotion, not just trying to logic out what the problem is. I was hoping some people would be willing to share some books that might be helpful for an adult male with ASD. Such books are hard to find through search engines because there are way more resources for raising a child with autistism than raising child as an autistic parent, and the keywords are pretty much the same for both. I really couldn't find anything at all.



jimmy m
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30 Jan 2020, 4:34 pm

Since this is your first post, welcome to Wrong Planet.

As an Aspie father, I more-or-less, stood back and let my wife handle the child rearing for the first 6 months. After that I became more hands on. I was there when my children were born and that is an important thing for a father to do. There is a bonding experience that occurs right at birth. Although this affects mothers, it also rubs over onto fathers. Right after birth, I could literally walk up to 100 newborns and pick out the child which were ours. I highly recommend natural childbirth for that very reason.


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AspiePrincess611
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21 Feb 2020, 2:47 pm

I am a single/divorced mom with an ASD. My son is a teenager now and his father has never been a part of his life because he abused us. I had a very hard time coping with becoming a mother and it sent me into the worst bout of anxiety/depression I ever had. The main issues I had were this:

1. Baby crying/waking me up at night. I hate being disturbed while sleeping and if I am deprived of sleep, even occasionally or if I am very tired, I tend to have frequent anger outbursts/meltdowns and get aggressive and am basically just a b!*ch. This is a real problem as a new mom.

2. Understanding the thing NT's call "motherly instinct". I never got what this feels like. Of course, I have always loved my son, but I love other people too, and never really understood what "motherhood" was supposed to feel like. At the time, I thought I was probably a cold, evil b!*ch and a bad mother. Now I know this is probably related to my AS.

3. Taking care of another person when you have a hard enough time managing/taking care of yourself.

Because of my anger issues and extreme anxiety and depression after I had my son, and my husband abusing us, I had to let my mom take care of my son for a few months. I was afraid I would hurt him or not take care of him properly. I then felt worse because I had so much guilt. I used alcohol and drugs to cope, and things just got worse and worse. Eventually, I left my abusive husband, got help/medication, and was able to, for the most part, get over it. I have always relied heavily on my mom to help me raise my son, and this has caused problems.
My son is now a teenager, and I'm very proud of him. He is not on the spectrum and is fairly social. He has ADHD and dyscalculia, and some anger issues, like me, but gets fantastic grades. He knows my mom and I are there to support him. We don't always get along, but we always work it out. We just need to give each other the proper amount of space.
I never remarried or had another child, and although I don't rule it out, neither of these seem likely.
In conclusion, parenting is hard for even the most patient NT's. It's even harder if you have an ASD, or in my case, an ASD and multiple other emotional/psychological issues.
I'm not saying aspies/auties can't be good parents, I'm just saying that it will be quite difficult.


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Magna
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21 Feb 2020, 3:39 pm

I am an ASD father. I assisted my wife from the very beginning with changing diapers, clothing, feeding and putting our kids to bed. I don't know of any books for you to read. I can only share my personal experience.

The single most important piece of advice I can give is this: ALWAYS remember that babies, toddlers or can not reason. They just do, and they just are. Therefore, DO NOT take things personally with them. There is no "battle of wills" with a toddler for example. If they refuse to do something you want them to do and they seem stubborn about it, they are not thinking to a level of outwitting you. There could be any number of reasons why they're not doing what you want them to do, but none of the reasons are that they don't like you or they're exercising their autonomy against your will. You can't bargain with them or enter into an agreement with them and then resent them if they renege. As a new father, it was very hard for me to grasp that toddlers aren't just little humans in regard to their cognitive abilities. I assumed they were. I assumed I could reason with them. I assumed that they were deliberately choosing to act the way they were based on reason.

If you're sensitive to sound and you don't already have some sort of hearing protection, you should buy something before the baby is born. Naturally, baby cries can be grating, piercing and unsettling. They're designed that way. If you're helping your wife and if your child ends up having colic and cries uncontrollably for an hour or more at a time for no apparent reason and your stress level is at a peak, you need to give the baby to your wife or if you can't, you need put the baby down in his/her crib.

When changing diapers, breathe through your mouth, not through your nose.

Get your rest whenever and wherever you can. Take as many power naps as possible. You will both be more tired than you probably have been before.

Help your wife. That's should be your primary focus at home. Do whatever you can to make her life as easy as possible after the birth of your baby.

If you don't "feel" like a dad and you don't "feel" an instant bond to your child, don't worry about it. Don't compare yourself to some ideal you might have about what you think a good father is supposed to be or do. You might never "feel" like a dad or what you think dads are supposed to feel like. Be the best dad you can be and do your best for caring for your wife and your child/children. If you get discouraged, focus on caring for your family.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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21 Feb 2020, 5:27 pm

Going off on a tangent but, "throwing a tantrum"?

My precious lil "parents" used to tell me that I threw a "tantrum"

When they overreact, they didn't say :evil: they :evil: threw a tantrum



Connotation versus denotation

Numerous precious lil "people" had the nerve to tell me that "you got mad"

Don't tell me my reaction, tell me what you did wrong



AspiePrincess611
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21 Feb 2020, 7:51 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Going off on a tangent but, "throwing a tantrum"?

My precious lil "parents" used to tell me that I threw a "tantrum"

When they overreact, they didn't say :evil: they :evil: threw a tantrum



Connotation versus denotation

Numerous precious lil "people" had the nerve to tell me that "you got mad"

Don't tell me my reaction, tell me what you did wrong


I totally get it. I get tired of NT's criticizing me for things they do themselves.


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