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The last two days have been really hard, at school and then at home. At school I’m dealing with bullying, hard work and also the loud sounds are causing me a lot of distress as well. At home I’m dealing with an atmosphere in the house. No one hardly talks to me, then when they do it’s to have a go at me or tell me that I’m being babyish. It’s like they don’t even acknowledge that the way I am is for real and I need support and understanding.
Yesterday was a particularly hard day. The school fire alarm rang, probably someone’s idea of a joke as it wasn’t scheduled, but it really affected me and gave me bad anxiety for the rest of the day. When I got back home my family was less than understanding and when I explained what happened and how it made me feel they said I need to grow up and that I’m not a child anymore. And then last evening my sister played a fire alarm on her phone to get at me, which resulted in us having a fight in which I threw her phone out her bedroom window. Since last summer I’ve been carrying a knife around with me for protection, last evening when I was really stressed I held on to the blade and cut my hand. For a few seconds I had a lot of horrible thoughts where I wanted to use it on my sister, I didn’t act on that but it was a horrible few seconds and I felt really bad after. I didn’t tell anyone, but this morning it’s looking really red and feels really sore and I’m wondering if I should get it checked out. I’m not feeling good at all this morning. I have school but I don’t think I’m going to go. I don’t know what to do, I hate school and I hate my home life even more. No one understands me and I'm afraid the more time goes by the more of a bad person I'm becoming.
Anyone else able to relate to anything like this?

I’ve not yet had my morning coffee: so a bit groggy, but yes I can relate to a lot of that.
Brought back memories of a shoe going through a window, and a painting being slashed with a knife.

How long & how deep is the cut on your hand?
And how wide is the red swelling around it?

Okey: so, second attempt, this time with coffee & food accomplished.

This is my thoughts as regards your parents:

• 1st proposition: your parents do love you, and want you to be happy and at ease in yourself and your life.

• 2nd proposition: however, as you say, they clearly don’t understand you, or have any idea as to how to support you.

• Synthesis of the above: those two factors put together are probably causing them considerable guilt & shame, they may be expressing anger towards you, but at heart I suspect they are really angry with themselves.

I cannot emphasise this enough this is not your fault, it isn’t really theirs either: AS-NT relationships are almost always difficult to a greater or lesser extent, and they clearly need help and support themselves which they are not getting.

For the present it looks like you’d be better off looking for sympathy and support here: there should always be one or more members online able to offer you compassion & understanding.
(Make sure to check threads you’ve started by the way: advice and fellow feeling will accumulate over a few days rather than come all at once)

There was a similar dynamic in my family: different because my mother tended towards tears whilst my father was the one who expressed anger.
And the elder of my two sisters was often a trial to live with... with the benefit of hindsight my parents had so much concern and focus on me that it made her jealous, and she acted out to provoke me: I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a similar case with your sister. Again I must state this is not your fault it’s human, all too human: try to love and pity them all, for they don’t know how to be any other than that which they are, and it’s hurting them as much as it’s hurting you.

Your hand sounds like it could do with medical attention: you don’t need to tell them the whole story if you don’t want to, just that you grasped a knife that happened to be there accidentally in a moment of stress.

I’m now going to quote my wife when I told her of my past when we first met:
”You’re not a bad person, you were struggling with a bad situation”
Hold onto that thought, I strongly believe your ‘bad thoughts’ are the result of your brain struggling to process a traumatic situation through a fog of anxiety: and thus are not an accurate representation of your true character & worth.

Let’s just get you into your twenties, and you can seek out people better equipped to be your friends and ‘in real life’ support, and have the freedom to organise your life so you can recover, and be content with who and where you are.
I would never have believed that was possible when I was your age, but I’ve found it is: hold onto that thought too.

It's kind of a fight. Wish I could help you a bit. Try staying nice towards the ones who aren't the reasons of your problems. Calm down. You are a fine girl. Once you do something bad to others you'll regret it your whole life. It's not how you like to be and the bullies wouldn't suffer from it. The way to make friends is to care about eye contact and the mood that you show towards all others. Friends may help you to deal with the bullies.

Just a hint: Autistic people are often unaware of the emotions that they cause others because many of us are less empathetical ourself. NTs try to read you emotional by generating the same emotions that you showing. They dislike people who look rejecting or stressed or showing a bad mood. It helps to keep a good mood towards the ones we look at to cause them to like us better.

_________________
I am as I am. Life has to be an adventure!

I think the latter half of your teenage years are likely to be the most difficult. Don't worry. Try to relax. Hugs.

I had to go to a and e for some stitches for my hand. I told my parents I fell over and my mum said it served me right I have a therapist appointment today which I’m half glad about. I’m seeing a really nice lady today and I’m hoping she’ll be able to help me. The thoughts are much worse now and my head just feels numb I guess is the right word. I’ve stayed locked in my room for the last few days, haven’t eaten so I’m going to try and grab a bite of something before my appointment.
Thanks for the support. Means the world to know at least people here care for me.

Go and eat something nice. Rissole and chips. Yum! Ice cream! Something nice and cheerful.

Take care little one (hug)
Good luck with the therapist.

I really can’t add anything to what’s already been posted, but I do want to send you virtual hugs.