I'm worried about life in the future.

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What is going to happen when I am done with college & alone?

I might or might not get married; leaning more towards "might." And I don't want to be what St. Francis de Sales called "a street angel and a house devil."

Some of the anti-autistic hate sites criticize us as being prone to that, citing a Tony Atwood whom I have heard of but don't know much about...anyway, I just don't want to end up being hurtful to someone should I get married & quite possibly start a family of my own.

Do Aspies frequently end up turning into jerks at home, or is the "Jekyll & Hyde" stuff just more bigotry? Based on source I'd be inclined to say bigotry but that proves nothing more than my own prejudice against them. Your opinions & thoughts are welcome; your facts & evidence even more so.

Proffering my meagre experience:

I’ve had two long term relationships, one from ages 23-28, the other from 30-now.

The first, I was monstrous... I’m not going to go into all the details, suffice it to say that I wasn’t as bad as the anti-ideal of the abusive partner, but I was definitely very bad for a poor young woman who needed and deserved better...
I had no idea how to cope with her needs, no idea what they really were, and no idea that I had no idea (it wasn’t till I was 29 that it was brought to my attention that I do human in an less than normal fashion) and as such no idea of how to care for her: and of course she had no idea what was going on with my (increasingly) erratic behaviour: there was violence, but I was on the receiving end... until I started fighting back. Which was worse, I should have just left her when she first raised hand against me.

Ok, that was the bad news: now for some good news

My marriage is great!
I married the woman who talked marched me into the doctors to talk to them about Aspergers and me (at her asking after we’d co-habited for two years).
She is amazing, she’s pretty much organised her expectations around what I’m capable of doing... not that that means I have a free ride, or that I don’t get an earful if I let my side down! I assure you I do
So why does it work?
how am I now a good husband?
I think it’s mostly down to my wife, her character:
• She’s very socially aware, even for an NT she’s shockingly good at reading people.
• She’s very independent: she doesn’t need me, it’s just better with me around.
• She’s a very no-nonsense level headed rational person, and she explains everything to me in clear terms. (Sometimes she has to calm down and stop fuming at me first, but that’s life)
• She took the time to digest all the information she could get her hands on about ASDs before we even started dating, and isn’t daft enough to think that there’s some kind of cookie-cutter that stamps us all out the same.
• also I think her previous life experiences are part of the picture: she’s the daughter of a Pentecostal Pastor, who moved in with my hippy aunt when she was 17, learnt her trade from a homosexual couple and has previously worked in a care home for adults. Which is quite a mix of influences that have made her a very tolerant human being.

So, erm, where was I going with this?

Ah! That’s it: bitter irony, we have to be more careful choosing our life partners than most men do if we want to be any good for/to them is my conclusion.

Hope above gives you some pointers about what to look out for...

I think sensory and food issues are a big factor in a relationship. It is hard to share a life with someone if autism affects them to such a degree that little compromise is possible. Having food cooked particular way may not be an issue if someone is willing to cook all their food, but it can a huge issue if someone expects a partner to cook something exactly the same way every time.

I'm much nicer to my family. I put up with a lot before I blow a gasket. I have a tendency to suspect 'outsiders.' So, I would say it's just the opposite for me.

I don't think being on the spectrum will automatically lead to a relationship fail and ruin the partner's life, but the risks of that happening are higher for us than they are for NT/NT couples because we don't have the natural NT communication style that people are expected to have. One way to lessen the problem it brings is to be open about autism and be specific on what kind of things it means in your case. If you don't give exambles, it's likely that the person will ask google and get advice that is the opposite of what would work with you. Proper communication is the key to every succesful relationship, but in an AS/NT relationship, extra effort on the communication is often needed.

This too. Mine are pretty bad, though not nearly as bad as they used to be. I wouldn't mind being the cook most of the time if my partner handled some other job most of the time in exchange, but even that won't help if we like completely different foods.

I couldn't agree more! It's the same for women on the spectrum. It's the persons dispositions, their personality, their character that's imo the best predictor of suitability for a relationship with an individual on the autism spectrum. This compatibility is what sustains a relationship through lifes inevitable challenges.
Can you connect with them and them with you, for me this is the obvious and sensible starting point and how they look etc is way down on my priority list.
Life is short and people like this are rare gems, if I could have done one (of many lol) thing differently it would have been to recognise these people earlier in life.

If you just keep your good nature, and don't get upset about little things, I believe you will succeed in your subsequent love life.

Well put, that man!

I could have written a big part of Karamazov's post myself: I needed time and experience to learn a lot of things in regards to both recognising and understanding how to address other people's needs, not to mention identifying and expressing my own. It was a messy process at times which costed both myself and others a lot of pain, but just like him, I am married now to an amazing woman and the bond grew stronger and happier with the years.

This being said, I've met a surprisingly large number of people who are not on the spectrum and act this way. Sometimes it's small things, like eating in a perfectly civilised manner in a restaurant and like a pig at home (even if they know that bothers or disgusts their partner). Or making an effort to handle conflict at work in a polite manner and going home and screaming at the spouse and kids. And countless similar things - some really repulsive or even abusive - that seem to be very common and even considered "normal". I've noticed this from very early in my life and never quite understood why so many people put so much more effort into making a good impression in front of strangers and acquaintances than into protecting those they love.

I mostly do the opposite. I made my partner my emotional priority: she's my life partner, the one who has been with me through thick and thin, the one person in the world who will always be on my side. I never lash out at her, I never take out my frustrations on her and I don't bring work problems at home (if I had a penny for every time I spent an hour or more at the gym after work to get things out of my system). She's there when I want to talk about anything that upsets me, she guided, soothed me and protected me through hell and back and the least I can do is show her the same respect and support she has shown me.

This is not at all about putting your partner on a pedestal or walking on eggshells at home, it's about setting and understanding your priorities and learning how to wisely manage your emotional resources (which in my case, are already limited). "Familiarity brings contempt" is a saying invented for those who don't put any effort into sparing their loved ones from the countless quotidian acts of pettiness and carelessness we all sometimes feel inclined towards.

Normally I would recommend you to get some experience and practise first but I know it's against your beliefs. I would then say you should take some time for introspection and reflection on your true self and your goals in life, not rush into marriage and choose your partner very, very carefully.

There's nothing wrong with being alone.

I mean, what happened before college when you WERE alone?

Children are fine not being romantically involved. If children are capable of that then so are you,and this goes to a great many people on this site whom are constantly expressing this fear. If children have no problem casting off this pressure than adults should be much better, but it seems to be the opposite. This is a curious area where observing children could teach an adult a thing or two on how to live and enjoy life.

In other words, find your Neverland and that place will melt away any fear of being alone. In life there are things to enjoy with child-like enthusiasm even in your solitude and oftentimes ESPECIALLY in your solitude.

I deal in realities, not Neverland. "Alone" does not mean "no romance." "Alone" means isolation from another human being. We are never truly alone; however, participation in self-absorption of narcissistic solitude is a personalized torment. John Donne said it well.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself;
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less,
As well as if a promontory were:
As well as if a manor of thy friend's
Or of thine own were.

Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.


What is the real kicker here, is my tendency to delay self-help and allow burnout to take over. I have been spiraling downwards for the last three months only to pull out of it last night (today I feel quite well and happy); going to confession made the despair cease but only when I was out driving my car late that night (a sensory cocoon if you will; the car is old and rattly so all I hear are engine noises and the lights are yellow as it predates the modern high-output light) that I was able to slow down enough to recharge...to "Gather the spoons" if you will. (Spoon theory.)

@Karamazov: thanks for the advice.
@BTDT: Sensory factors are huge; fortunately I have a "type" of woman to whom I am attracted that tends towards the tolerable version of the sensory spectrum: quiet, normal speaking voice, simple & straightforward. Like me in some ways.
@Persephone29: Glad you're like this. I try to be like this but have been fearing that things would change if I was out on my own.
@Fireblossom...I'm going to do this & give it lots of time, both I and this girl are quite happy with things taking years. She's the not-before-marriage type, as I am, and we're both of the opinion college relationships are really dumb. (Life of the party...not.) I don't think she's neurotypical either! She gives every indication of being autistic...
@Kraftiekortie: Well, my "good nature" is highly dependent on whether I'm doing O.K. or if I've gotten myself in a bind. I tend to "fight or flight."
@BenderRodriguez: You're right; I rather like your way of looking at this. And shade-throwing quotes are one of my favorite things too...It will be done cautiously all right; two or three years' time will probably pass before I get serious about weddings, etc. because there's not a point in that when all she wants now is a healthy friendship.

I'm really glad to see that it can be made to work. I am also going to be spending the next few years trying to make myself a little higher-functioning if possible; it's better I don't have any troubles with fight-or-flight tendencies as they always get me in the long run. All it takes is for me to feel trapped by a situation and I'm gone on the run again.

Thanks to all who responded; I believe there was a lot of commonsense in most of your replies but will have to see how it all plays out. After all, "romance" is only an antiquated synonym for adventure.

I think you have no need to worry that you will have marriage issues as you are sensitive. You care about it now, so this indicates to me that you will likely make a great husband to some young lady one day!

For me, one of the keys was finding another neurodivergent person. My wife has PTSD, depression, anxiety, and ADHD, and she suspects she might also be autistic. We’re learning every day how to be better partners to each other.

Professional help (individually and/or together) has helped us as well, but I know it’s not for everyone.

Aw, thanks MG...

WildColonial..well, that is great stuff. For whatever reason I am quite happy around girls who are a little "different." You must be a wonderful man for your woman: taking care of her through all that stuff is good for her and good for you. Those traits you mentioned: PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, and depression--all that sounds just like autism taken apart and looked at piece by piece, except for PTSD, but that can come sometimes more strongly due to autism. You're probably doing great being there for her...Very manly of you. I am quite impressed.

In fact there is a girl in the bottom of this story after all (there always is!) and though she doesn't seem to have been diagnosed her family has strong autistic traits throughout that quite honestly I feel quite at ease with. I can relate to that. It's understandable and beautiful...one relative has hearing sensitivities so he wears ear defenders at the table, that kind of stuff.Anyway she is a little "odd" but the absolute sweetest person I've seen out and about. I've been seeing her off and on since 2018 at church, etc. She is very kind to all her friends and spends her life in study, work, prayer, and bringing quiet joy to everyone she meets. And she is very devoted to her family.

Unfortunately I cannot share such a deep connection to family; there is a lot of problems at stake here as I don't think I'm ever going to be able to reach them, or ever hold conversations consistently that keep them interested. I feel like I'm hyper focusing on my classes (I am lol) and that my functioning levels are falling away. If you ever read the short story "Flowers for Algernon" that really defines about how I feel...stress and tension are causing more stress and tension as I begin backsliding into more severe autism. The trouble is defined clinically as depression and theologically as the sin of despair...the two are different. One is a serotonin deficiency and the other is a state of being convinced that one is too evil for God to love. (This and presumption are what they sometimes call the "unforgivable sin," or more precisely, "sins against the Holy Spirit." God forgives us if we ask, but we don't ask until we forgive ourselves.)

Maybe it's like this...Catholicism treats marriage as complete & total self-gift to the other person. I don't give away junk if I can help it...still, relationships with family & loved ones have never ever been my strongest suit. Sometimes it's hard to be that chatty, scatterbrained loser that society wants. I just don't want to hurt someone.

(Sorry about the Catholic ramblings. They're not everyone's cup of tea; however, they're the only way that makes a lot of sense of this stuff. I've used it for the last ten years to keep life making sense.)