Was that man gay or something?

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So I was doing a homework for graduate level math class in Indian restaurant. It is habbit of mine to study at the restaurants to avoid discussion. There was a man -- who is probably in his 60-s or 70-s -- that had an intellectual conversation with other people (I assume his age) at the other end of the restaurant. I don't remember the gender of the other people he was talking to, but it vaguely seems to me at least one of them was older woman -- I also don't remember how many of them were. I mean, he was somewhere I was facing "away" from, and I wasn't looking back or anything. I was too busy doing my homework.

But then, after he done with that conversation, he approached me, and asked me whether the reason I am writing on paper is that I get a "better feel" of what I am writing if I use pen. He thought I was doing a creative writing, he didn't know I was doing math homework. In any case, I have no idea what the heck he is talking about when it comes to having better feel if you use pen. I only do it with equations -- yes there is a computer program to write math equations online, but then I can't really see what I am writing, its just a bunch of commands. But *IF* I were to do creative writing -- or anything else not involving math for that matter -- I would use computer for sure. But it took like few minutes to get it through to him.

Then after that he asked me what area of math I was doing. I told him both about my math research and math homework, and I *try* to make it clear that the two have nothing to do with each other. While I am really excited about the research I am doing, the homework is just something boring that eats up my time from the research. What I "happened" to be doing at that restaurant "happened" to be homework. So I was just doing what I was asked -- nothing deeper than that.

But he kept wanting to see something deeper. He asked me to explain to him what that area of math was, so I did. But you see, its a graduate level math. You can't really explain what graduate level math involves to somebody who isn't a mathematician -- well, at least I can't. But I tried just to get him off my back. So then, when I gave an explanation, he started to try to see some deeper philosophical meaning behind that course what homework I was doing. At some point I "agreed" with him that there was one -- but then again, I could see that meaning behind all kinds of other areas of math, not just that one -- I just wanted to be agreeable thats all.

Then he asked me where I am from, and I said I was from Russia. He told me that he met some people in the 70-s who escaped from soviet union because they were gay -- and they found that American culture lacks the depth of the Russian culture; he asked me if I felt that way too. Now, in most other situations, I would say yes -- I certainly *do* feel American culture lacks the depth of Russian culture. But, because he mentioned them being gay, several other thoughts crossed my mind that prevented me from saying it:

1. Since those people were gay, it would be pretty hypocritical of them to talk about appreciating the depth of Russian culture.

2. Why is he mentioning them?

a) Is he gay or something?
b) More importantly, does he think I am gay?
c) Should I mention to him that I am straight? If I do, then other people in the room will think I am gay since I feel compelled to bring up the subject when it wasn't brought up in the obvious way. If I don't say I am straight then they would also think I am gay since that means I just confirmed that I am

3. The part about them moving from Soviet Union in the seventies due to being gay makes no sense on several levels:

a) Back in the 70-s gays were persecutted both in the US and in Russia. The part about US "becoming" gay-friendly and Russia staying the way it was is a modern development.

b) Even if they were persecutted in Soviet Union more severely, they wouldn't have been able to leave due to Iron Border. The only persecutted minority that "could" leave were the Jews -- and that was the result of the Jews abroad pressuring Soviet government through the other governments. I don't think any persecutted minorities other than Jews had that privilege.

c) Yes there were people that were basically "forced" to leave the country, as political prisoners. But there were very few of them, like you could count them on your fingers -- and they were all famous. The vast majority of people would simply be arrested. And yes, gay people were arrested too (it was considered a crime -- but like I mentioned earlier US was no different in that regard).

However, despite having all those thoughts, I didn't say any of it Instead, I simply described to him the reason why I, personally, came to the US (namely, that my mom found a job) that way he will know it is not what he is thinking. Well, thats the main regret I have from this conversation I should have at least say that I am straight -- but I didn't say even that -- so does he assume I am gay or what is he assuming?

In any case, like I said, instead of saying what I should have said, I told him how I got to the US because my mom found a job in the US. I then asked him what he was doing for a living (which was kind of taking my turn since he asked me what I was doing earlier). He said he was a musician. He then talked about the way he likes to improvise the music, and he went on and on saying how he used to play professionally and how he found that improvising is better because the notes don't convey everything.

Even when he talked about that, I found two things suspicious. One thing is that when I was telling him about math I was doing, he kept saying "its really interesting". What is the point of telling me that? Unless he is trying to get me to like him? And the other thing is that when he was telling the stuff he is doing he was asking "how am I doing so far". What exactly does he mean? Is he asking me whether he succeeded in making me like him? I guess he didn't explicitly said that, so I could always say he was just asking me as to whether the topics are interesting. So I am not sure what to make of it.

Then he gave me a piece of music he plays on the ear phone. It was playing for 3 or 4 minutes or so. Since he was just sitting there in front of me and I couldn't really talk to him when it was playing, I didn't know what to do with my eyes: should I just look at him without talking, or where am I supposed to look? Especially since I was worried whether he was gay and whether I would give him wrong idea. So my eyes were kinda going back and forth and then he walked to the back of the room. I don't know if thats why he did htat to make it easier for me, or due to some other reason.

It seems like he had a bunch of equippment layed out in the back of the room. I don't know how they let him put it there -- I mean, like I said, it was Indian restaurant. So how would in the restaurant they would just let someone put a bunch of their stuff at a place other than where they are sitting?

After the music was over, he said that he actually has a group that he called a "wellbeing group" and he gave me a leaflet about his "group". So that leaflet started by saying "we don't do Trump, religion, sugar and alcohol, in fact we try not to drink caffeine either", then it went on other things such as they drive safely and leave certain distance between themselves and other cars that that leaflet specified. They also talked about healthy eating. And they said that they often share meals together and blah blah blah. I then asked him how many people were there in that group? He said that he couldn't find any so far -- and said that some people when they hear "no alcohol" or "no religion" they freak out.

Now, the schedule of Indian restaurant is that they serve lunch and then they close and then few hours later they serve dinner. So lunch time was over, so thats how we had to go. After we both left, they called him to tell him he left something, so he went back to pick it up (probably those music instruments or whatever he had at the back of the restaurant). But, just to be sure they were speaking to him and not to me, I asked if I left something too. They said no. So thats how I left.

I then texted him to ask him more about that group and why he started it now and not earlier. He didn't reply to this text.

Anyway, how do you interpret that guys behavior?

And, more importantly, what should I do to undo the problem? Should I come to that restaurant and openly tell them I am not gay? Or will it only make them suspect that I am?

Its been two weeks since that happened.

Last edited by QFT on 24 Feb 2020, 5:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm sorry. I'll be honest at saying that was too long to read.

You might want to write a shorter summary for more responses.

Without reading it, my response would be "who cares if he's gay".

Does it matter?

I was also asking whether he thought I was gay and whether he was trying to start a relationship with me.

If so, then the next question is whether do people at the restaurant now all assume I am gay since they saw me talking to him.

Can men only speak to other men if they're gay?

I'm confused.

I don't think men can only speak to other men because they are gay. Its just that his specific behavior looked suspicious in this way. Let me outline the ways in which it looked that way:

A. He was trying to assign some deeper meaning to my using pen as well as the area of math I was doing homework in. No, that deeper meaning had nothing to do with sexuality -- if anything, it was about arts or philosophy. But you know, when someone is desperate to impress the gender that they like, they might twist things like that.

B. The immigrants from Soviet Union he talked about just happened to be gay. So why wasn't he friends with any straight immigrants, why only gay ones? And -- as I explained -- there was no way to immigrate from Soviet Union in the 70-s due to being gay: there was an iron border. So maybe they immigrated for some other reason (namely, being Jewish) and he confused it with being gay since he wanted them to be gay since he is gay.

C. Why would he keep repeating to me that things I say are impressive. And why would he be asking me "how am I doing so far". That seems like he was trying to impress me and be impressed by me.

D. Since it is very rare for anyone -- of either gender -- to approach me in the restaurant just like that -- especially in such a persistent manner -- thats what makes me think there is some ulterior motive behind it.

E. That whole "well being society" that he started sounds a bit weird too. On the one hand, I can say "okay so he is not gay, he just starts a society". But on the other hand I keep thinking "is that society just a cover-up for a polyamorous gay thing he wants to do".

Last edited by QFT on 24 Feb 2020, 5:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Again, so.... ?

Why is this a concern?

Because I don't want people at the restaurant to think I am gay, and spread a gay rumor about me.

So wait, you think everyone in the restaurant noticed and judged him well enough to guess that he is gay, even though you talked to him at length and you can't tell?

You also think that they'll assume you're gay, if you talked to a gay person?

I'm sorry but that's messed up.

I am not "saying" thats the case. I am "asking" whether or not thats the case. So you think its a "no". I "hope" you are right. I am not sure one way or the other. Thats why I am asking.

Only an idiot would assume you're gay if you're talking to a gay person.

Maybe the guy was gay----that's his business.

My best friend is a gay man. It doesn't mean I'm gay if I talk to him. It doesn't mean that the men he talks to are gay, either.

Likewise, if someone talks to a straight person it doesn't mean they are also straight.

And bottom line, who cares?

Even if people think you are gay for some reason, why is that so terrible?

What would make me appear gay is the following:

If *besides* being gay he *also* tried to pursue me -- then the fact that I talked to him indicated I was interested in being pursued in this way -- which would imply I am gay.

Of course the other option is that I am naive and don't see it. Or polite and don't want to say no.

Thats why I am asking: which one would they assume is the case?

Gay men pursue straight men all the time. It doesn't make the straight man gay.

Personally, I believe people in the restaurant didn't give a rat's butt about what was going on between that guy and you. They had their own people they were hanging out with.

I would have thought, if I was interested, that this was a gay guy going after a straight guy.

I'm going to scroll back and read what happened.

I can assure you ahead of time that you're way overthinking this, though.

Yeah, but the straight men cut the conversation short -- yet I didn't cut it short but instead continued the conversation -- and thats the part I am concerned about.

You're allowed to talk to gay guys without people thinking you're gay. I talk to them all the time. Nobody thinks I'm gay.

In fact, only an idiot would think you're gay just for talking to a gay guy.

How "flaming gay" was this guy, anyway?

And anyway----how many people would have heard the conversation?