nutty anxiety attacks

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I've been pretty isolated, confused & somewhat paranoid as a result of working in a high-pressure software nerd internship that just moved into a new phase, living with a condition that alienated me from everyone I know, dealing with a rough past there's no point in talking about & then of course a global epidemic isolating nearly everyone else almost as much as I already was.

My life tends not to make any sense so I'm sorry if I caused trouble for anyone here. I should get going but I'll be online trying to sort out this mess. Cheers to that I suppose

((( cberg )))

You're always welcome here!

I wish I were so welcome innmy own brain.

self sooth
paranoia suggests too much stress

exactly this. me too man

Cberg, you are STRONG and SMART and you can DO IT!

(((Cberg)))

I used to have panic attacks that would send me to the emergency room, certain I was having a heart attack.

I don't get them much anymore, but have had a couple milder ones recently, presumably attached to the stress with my work. For me, the scary part is that my body has taken over my mind.

Please keep posting. So many people here care.

Cberg

I’ve been there too

Suddenly your hearts thumping at a million miles an hour really loudly and your brain feels like it’s trying to turn itself inside out with a tenor hum from nowhere in your ears... (at least that’s my current best attempt to describe)

Is there anything you’ve done in the past that in retrospect helped keep yourself on a mental level?

Are the attacks out of nowhere, or do they follow certain events/thoughts?

It doesn't makes any sense to blame yourself for the way that you are.
You have to deal with yourself either. Just make the best out of your situation.
You aren't dumb just lonely. Start to talk to strangers more. Don't make it a thing
to start conversations. Start to keep more contacts. Learn to care how people behave.
Care about eye contact and staying a positive way. Try to join social groups.
Become a bit cooler and after a while you'll improve and your life will change.

{{{{{{Cberg}}}}}} Hang in there... isolation, confusion, paranoia, high pressure internship, difficult past .... behind you 100% and think it's pretty remarkable that you're doing what youy are in fact doing ... working toward a goal here... in spite of it all. Take care of yourself, as best you possibly can. Hope you feel in a better place soon.

I have a perfect score as a CAD software test engineer & a solid zero as a human being.

My job is something of a free space for my mind next to my nonexistent personal life. I'm not even specialized in what I do right now, it's just less stressful thinking about releasing experimental coding languages than it is thinking about my life. Eventually I'm sure I'll get back to my ideal work situation but that still probably won't improve my social life at all, not until the pressure is lifted. I need some job security & to find some answers on how to sustain new conversations with old NT friends.

I work for an architectural software company so the "onboarding" is kind of nonexistent & we all figure it all out for ourselves.

I'm not really in any mood to meet new people lately, I can deal with it at work but I feel like I'd have a lot to explain.

I'm lack the capacity to eat enough pills for other people to approve of how I think. I'm more curious about how to be around my existing friends more because my sense of self is slipping without them.

I used to be cool

i never was cool so you are still doing relatively well relative to the bulk of us here.

I was mostly kidding, being aware of many random things does not in itself confer coolness.

It's a bit of everything now that I think about it after most of a beer. It's like I'm always extrapolating instead of thinking circumstantially. It's ridiculous. It's not that I want to bring my friends down anyway.

Yeah: my period of high density anxiety/panic attacks was during a very low point in my twenties.
Long story short: dropped out of uni, took on a job I couldn’t cope with, had a girlfriend I couldn’t cope with (and who couldn’t cope with me), lived with a death metal band in a shared house (joy!)... and, lacking a diagnosis, was trying to comprehend everything via Nietzsche

I believe you’ve hit upon one of the key things that got me out of it: trying to conceive my life as a single whole with a definite singular characteristic wasn’t helping at all, circumstantial focus has become more prominent since then, and, I believe, I’m better at life as a result.
(I’m certainly happier and less prone to anxiety, meltdowns and so forth)