My mind is either in the past or the future

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My mind has a difficult time staying in the present. It is either thinking about my past or looking far ahead into potential futures. This causes me to struggle in the present moment and the depression I suffer from is magnified. I know that sitting around won’t change anything but my efforts to change things usually don’t go the way I want them to go and I get discouraged. Sure, I did a drawing after not drawing for so long but I still can’t make a comic like I wish I could even though I don’t know what my comic would be about. Plotting feels daunting to me as well as the level of drawing required for it. If I had friends to help me, I think I would feel more encouraged but I have no friends who are interested in doing that and what little social life I have has been cut off by the corona virus. I also played through some songs my guitar regardless if I got every thing right or wrong but I feel like I should be better especially after taking guitar lessons since 2003 (though I’ve had periods where the lessons stopped).

I feel defined by my past and I get scared thinking about what the future holds to the point I wish I could either stop time until I am ready or even stop living because life can feel unbearably hard at times. I am turning 32 this year and I still struggle with so many things. I used to naively and wishfully think things would come together on their own but reality has been far more harsh. Even back then, my mind was thinking far ahead into the future. I fear it will always do so.

How can I stop fearing that I will wake up as a 40 year old who is still struggling?

By going to more concerts in Austin after all this coronavirus crap is wrapped up.

Hi Marknis. There is hope - my 54 year old self is so much better adjusted than when I was in my 30s. Eventually you will meet someone (partner or friend) who will help change your perspective. No man is an island.
And have you heard on mindfulness? It trains you to think about the now, and acceptance, without judgement. I know several people who swear by it, and there are a ton of online resources.

My trauma therapist said depression is about the past, anxiety is about the future, and panic is about the present.

It seems to me you are dealing with depression and anxiety. So am I, but I certainly have some panic days too.

I have a bit of a same problem sometimes, except while I do curse my past mistakes and keep wondering what I could've done differently and how things would've gone then, I'm actually pretty optimistic about my future. Not as much as I was a few years ago, but still optimistic.

One way to keep your mind in the present is to not give yourself time to think about the past or any potential future. Just do something that'll keep you focused on the task. Other than that though, the only way to stay in the present is just practice and self control.

When it comes to comics, you could start with drawing fan comics. You know about them, right? Pic some comic or cartoon that already exists, and make up a story of your own for the characters from it. You obviously can't make money this way (it's illegal, at least here), but if you post it in fan sites for that series, some people are likely to read it. Or if just coming up with a plot feels like too much, find a fanfic (a fan made story of an already existing series) of some series that you like and ask the one who made it if you can make a comic version of it. This way you could just focus on drawing without having to think of a plot or what to draw. And if you have too much trouble with certain kind of scenes, like fight scenes, pick a fic that doesn't have them.

Not everyone has a talent for music; I sure don't. For all we know it could be the same for you. Or not. If you like playing guitar, just do it. Maybe you'll get better at it, maybe not, but that shouldn't matter all that much if you enjoy doing it.

I sometimes wish I was able to “tune out” everything but the thoughts I feel like are needed the most. My brain just thinks about everything I suffer from all at the same time and I wish there was a way to re-train it to stop.

When my thoughts start taking a too dark turn, I force myself to think of something else, like a mantra. In my case, that mantra is listing all the characters of a certain group (there are 40 of them) from one of my favorite series in the order of their first appearance in the series. Kind of like the "count to ten" -thing, but actually reguires some thinking so it's more effective.

My therapist thinks mindfulness is the answer to my suffering. Would what you do count as mindfulness?

Interesting, though I'd argue that depression can also be about the present and the future. If you aren't happy with your life at the present, and you feel like your future's gonna suck, those things can certainly cause you to become depressed.

I definitely feel depressed about the present and I have a lot of self-fulfilled prophecies in my life so I sometimes wish I wasn’t alive anymore.

I don't think so; when I do this, it's to distract me from other things. Sure, it keeps me from thinking of past and future, but it also keeps me from thinking of the present... isn't that what mindfulness is about? Accepting and living the moment.

Not to throw a wrench in things, but my therapist had to teach me un-mindfulness. My mind is always too cluttered and busy. Mindfulness was very difficult with PTSD and ADHD so I had to learn to unmind myself.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyl ... ing-us-ill

I was recently asked if I am dating anyone by a neighbor. I wish she didn’t because it only reminds me that I am still a 31 year old single person and I can’t do anything because of the damn coronavirus.

^ On the bright side, at least you have some people interested in your life.

You may not notice the difference in your life and posts today vs 5 years ago because changes may be slow and incremental, much like the frog in boiling water parable - only instead of things getting worse (water boiling), they are improving.

The tone of your posts is much more mellow and even vs angry and frustrated. Your ability to analyze your own thoughts and life situation and communicate them to others on the forum effectively has improved dramatically. It’s not exactly happy time reading, but it’s certainly night and day better than it used to be.

Just wanted to point out that you Have in fact improved and do seem happier, or at least less frustrated and depressed. These things all take time, sometimes a lot of it. Progress is progress, just keep moving forward.

I have one or two recurring intrusive negative thoughts/memories the last few years. Sometimes they’re quite frequent. The main one is a thought/memory that’s also audible & visible. Not quite sure if it’s a result of an ASD memory function, PTSD, or both. It steals my present and makes me angry & depressed. And then I refocus and do what it takes to force my mind to intentionally think of anything better - which is literally anything.

I silently refer to these intrusive repetitive thoughts as my own “Marknis moments,” (No offence intended.) and sometimes count my blessings that I, at least, have fewer of them than others. I don’t have a solution to my own moments like this and thus can’t offer one for yours. All I can do is say “You’re not alone. I can relate,” for the not much that’s worth.

I suppose the only thing of value I may be able to offer is that I sometimes use the energy of Fury these thoughts & memories ignite in me to just push through and get something done - usually physical. Get some work done quickly, complete a harder workout, hike the stairs faster, finish my run with a sprint etc. Physical exercise and pushing oneself to exhaustion is at least a healthy outlet for such negative energy and stress.

Other than that, if I’m not in the physical mode & need to deal with it more mentally I’ll force my thoughts over to thinking about people I love, things I still Can do despite constraints I have due to the cards I’ve been dealt, and goals & dreams I’d like to accomplish that none of these past things constrain me from doing. It’s comforting to remind myself that the bigger picture things I want to do in life are still possible despite other things being.. withheld, or pretty much impossible. Maybe you’d benefit from forcing your mind to think about the things you Can do vs those life has taken from you, too? Just a thought of the moment.