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Vissora
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04 May 2020, 8:14 am

My neurotypical mom would often say things to me like:

"You don't have any friends."
"You need to stop asking salespeople for their opinion. You need some friends whom you can go shopping together with so that you can consult your friends for their opinion."
"Do you still hang out with any old friends? Other people have friends whom they are still keeping in touch from their childhood days, and you don't have any friends."
"I bet you won't have any bridesmaid when you get married in future, since you don't have any friends."
"You can't even hold down a job."
"You keep getting fired from every job you had."
"Others who are the same age as you are so successful in life and you are still at nowhere in life."



These are some things that I'm already aware of, and I'm already working on improving on it.
I don't need her to keep reminding me about it over and over and over again.

And I actually have lots of online friends, but making friends in real life isn't an easy feat at all.
I've already been trying to make friends in real life for the past 10 years via a variety of different methods, e.g, doing volunteering work, joining meet-up groups, taking up classes related to my hobbies,
but despite how I've been trying to make friends, I still can't find any friends in real life!
They just don't seem to exist in this world for me.

Keeping jobs is also really tough for me as well.
I tend to learn things slow, and have difficulty with multi-tasking, and employers aren't very patient with my learning pace, and decide to kick me out of the job even before the probation period is up.

Why are neurotypicals people so mean? Why do they keep insulting people all the time?
Why can't they just accept people as who they are?



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04 May 2020, 8:20 am

Vissora wrote:
My neurotypical mom ...

Why are neurotypicals people so mean?  Why do they keep insulting people all the time?  Why can't they just accept people as who they are?
Your mom is not all neurotypicals.  It is unlikely that you have even met all neurotypicals.  So please do not paint all neurotypicals with the same broad brush.

Why your mother is mean to you, why your mother keeps insulting you, and why your mother cannot accept you for who you are are all questions you need to take up with her.


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04 May 2020, 11:13 am

When I was a teenager my mum used to get on to me a bit for not having any friends. She seemed to believe that the most important thing in a child's life was to have friends. She says she felt hurt for me for not having any friends and that was why she expressed it critically, but it made me believe that I was unlikeable to my peers.


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Karamazov
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04 May 2020, 11:27 am

My dad used to get frustrated with my lack of comprehension as to what I was meant to be doing in the student & adult worlds, although he tried to advise me with handy phrases such as:
”just jump through the hoops”
What hoops? Where are they?
(I knew it was a metaphor: but what it was meant to refer too... :shrug: no idea.)



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04 May 2020, 12:52 pm

Vissora wrote:
"You need to stop asking salespeople for their opinion. You need some friends whom you can go shopping together with so that you can consult your friends for their opinion."


By this she means the salesperson will probably mislead you so they can make a sale. If you have a trusted friend to shop with, they can give you unbiased advice.

Quote:
Why are neurotypicals people so mean? Why do they keep insulting people all the time?
Why can't they just accept people as who they are?


It sounds like your mom has a hard time understanding your needs and difficulties. Your experience of the world is very different from most people's, so this will be hard for them to understand. Instead of realizing your struggles are a picture of who you are in a given situation, they keep wondering why you don't behave as the person they expect you to be. On top of that, some parents are embarrassed by their children's inability to make the parent feel capable, normal, and good about themselves. Her emotions are a reflection of her, not you. She cannot understand why you aren't social in the way she is. And because you don't seem to understand her in the way she wants, she worries this means something is wrong with her, which creates a negative attitude she directs back at you. She acts poorly toward you because she perceives your struggles as laziness and an insult toward her, so she becomes defensive, even though you are not actually doing anything to her.

Maybe you can get her to see what you want in life and why certain things are hard for you. She may realize you are trying a lot harder than she thinks. Or, she may refuse to open her mind. But you are valid as yourself.


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04 May 2020, 1:40 pm

Quote:
Why are neurotypicals people so mean?

Most people live by their mother and fathers expectation. For example: My dad was abusive but in hindsight, he was birthed in Lebanon during the civil war there and he had PTSD, therefor his meanness will have been rooted from environmental stress factors. Behaviours can be passed on to each branch of family tree. Dad's dad was abusive to dad. Childhood experiences create presentary experience, therefor dad will have learnt that being abusive and picky on my behaviour was an acceptable means of strict communication. Then my brother developed PTSD, copied dads behaviour and begun physically attacking me. Then I developed PTSD. Meanness is just a learnt survival technique for some.

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Why do they keep insulting people all the time?

Maybe because they have their own insecurities so they have to project this onto other people. For example: A zen Buddha will not insult people as he is in a constant state of peace. Someone who insults people will have environmental stress factors that are making them insult people.

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Why can't they just accept people as who they are?

Because they can only understand their own reality and mind, they may not be able to see passed their own biased of what a 'perfect person' is, when in fact, there is no such thing as a 'perfect person'. Sometimes, people are afraid/intimidated by what they do not understand.


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04 May 2020, 11:02 pm

I've found autistic people can be just as mean too. I don't post here as much as I used to once upon a time for that very reason.


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Callafiriel
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05 May 2020, 12:34 am

Vissora wrote:
My neurotypical mom would often say things to me like:

"You don't have any friends."
"You need to stop asking salespeople for their opinion. You need some friends whom you can go shopping together with so that you can consult your friends for their opinion."
"Do you still hang out with any old friends? Other people have friends whom they are still keeping in touch from their childhood days, and you don't have any friends."
"I bet you won't have any bridesmaid when you get married in future, since you don't have any friends."
"You can't even hold down a job."
"You keep getting fired from every job you had."
"Others who are the same age as you are so successful in life and you are still at nowhere in life."

These are some things that I'm already aware of, and I'm already working on improving on it.
I don't need her to keep reminding me about it over and over and over again.


I'm sorry to say this but to me this doesn't sound so much like a "mean NT" but more like a toxic parent. Can you somehow distance yourself from her and her believes? If not physically, then emotionally?



AprilR
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05 May 2020, 5:14 am

Callafiriel wrote:

I'm sorry to say this but to me this doesn't sound so much like a "mean NT" but more like a toxic parent. Can you somehow distance yourself from her and her believes? If not physically, then emotionally?


I agree with this.
But i also want to add:My mom also used to get angry at me for this reason. It's only when i am at my 20s that i confronted her about it, that it was extremely hurtful for me. I felt so alone when i was a child that i used to imagine my real parents had died in a fire and my parents were not my real parents.
From what i understand nt's are also not much empathetic when it comes to disabilities. If they were, disabled people would not be so discriminated against. They have to face their internalized ableism at some point and people with good hearts try to do that. (neurodiversity movement and so)



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05 May 2020, 6:01 am

We have to come up with another term other than “ableism.”

There’s nothing wrong with an ideology which emphasizes the ability of people...even those with disabilities.



AprilR
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05 May 2020, 6:24 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
We have to come up with another term other than “ableism.”

There’s nothing wrong with an ideology which emphasizes the ability of people...even those with disabilities.


I think people are using this term as blaming people for something that's not under their control (disability) same thing as racism, ageism etc.



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05 May 2020, 6:37 am

I know...you’re right..... but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Perhaps a little bit of “semantic restriction?”

I’m an “ableist” in the sense that I believe people should focus on what they are ABLE to do, rather than any disability they might have

The term is used too often by those who lambaste others for speaking about their abilities, even if they don’t abuse others because of their alleged disabilities.



AprilR
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05 May 2020, 6:46 am

Yeah, i get what you mean too. Also there's actually a trend i see on the internet mostly that being disabled or having a mental illness= being immune to any kind of criticism and a lot of coddling and idealizing from other people, saying you're such an inspiration!! ! to people leading normal lives while having a disability.. It's honestly so stupid and infantilizing and it really annoys me too.

I also agree that people should focus on what they are able to do, and try to improve where they're lacking. So yeah, maybe you're right and we should find another term..



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05 May 2020, 8:31 am

They aren't. Not neurotypicals as a group, I mean. That's about as true as someone saying that people on the autism spectrum are mean just because that someone has met mean autistic people.

Vissora wrote:
"I bet you won't have any bridesmaid when you get married in future, since you don't have any friends."


When, not if. That means that not only does your mom think someone will see you as lovely enough to marry you one day, but also that that someone will be good enough that you'll agree to marry them. She thinks you'll eventually have success in love. :D



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05 May 2020, 8:54 am

You can't measure kindness

Your mom does not represent all neurotypicals

Different people define kindness differently

Nobody is kind all the time

Your question is:. Why did your mom tell you statements that you find mean

Your mom could have a lot of different reasons

Your post doesn't contain enough information to answer the question

Strangers on the internet are not telepathic



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05 May 2020, 10:58 am

I find that nts are extremely abusive to me and recently to the point that I don't know how long I can survive it. Of course that is not the case for every single one of them and there are a couple of the in my life that are not, but the majority of them are, even the ones who love me the most and are closest to me.

The dynamic that I believe is happening is that they are ignorant to who and what I truly am and they have no theory of mind. So that is a very dangerous combination. It causes extremely abusive behavior without them intending that or being aware of what they are doing. And they cannot change because they cannot be convinced that they are doing anything wrong. I understand the issue. I hate it but there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it except for ending the relationship completely.


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