Loss of interest in relationship

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Rainy81
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22 May 2020, 5:15 pm

I'm a NT and have been dating a man with ASD for 10 months. He has had many casual partners previously but I'm his first relationship. About 3 months ago he started loosing interest in sex with me. Prior to this he was very interested. Last month he told me he loves me but he now has zero desire to have sex with me. There appears to be an inverse relationship with sex and love, the more he loves me the less he wanted sex. He says he is still interested in sex with other women and he now flirts a lot with other women.
Does anyone have experience with something like this? I completely adore him but it's breaking my heart that he desires other women and not me. Most of the time it doesn't even seem like it bothers him.



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22 May 2020, 5:28 pm

Apparently, his appetite has changed.

If he always has the same old bangers-and-mash, then he may eventually get a craving for sushi, pasta, or even a smörgåsbord, where he can pick and choose what suits his fancy at the moment.

Maybe if you spiced things up ... ?


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funeralxempire
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22 May 2020, 8:10 pm

Fnord wrote:
Apparently, his appetite has changed.

If he always has the same old bangers-and-mash, then he may eventually get a craving for sushi, pasta, or even a smörgåsbord, where he can pick and choose what suits his fancy at the moment.

Maybe if you spiced things up ... ?


I don't believe that's it, and also that your post has a high potential to be understood as insulting by OP regardless of your intentions.

I've gone through phases of similar to what OP described when I was high school age. Unfortunately it's not her, it's him and since the attitude (if sincere) is often driven by his own hangups regarding sex which means the solution will also have to be about him and his issues.

One wouldn't refuse to drive their car to maintain it better and certainly not if the car was glaring at them expecting them to finally notice that it really needs a good driving at WOT for a few hours. And since the car in this analogy isn't property, it may wish to locate a more suitable potential driver and would be well within it's rights to do so.

Zoom zoom.

Edit: For what it's worth some of the negative blogs dealing with NT's experiences in dating folks with ASD also mention this dynamic often enough that it's probably not them all just imagining it. This might be a tendency we're all prone to to some degree even if it's not one we would wish to have.


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22 May 2020, 11:08 pm

Without knowing more, I tend to agree with this:

Quote:
it's him and since the attitude (if sincere) is often driven by his own hangups regarding sex which means the solution will also have to be about him and his issues.


You could try exploring some kinks with him to see if that renews his interest, but more likely it seems he has some issue he needs to resolve for himself.

It is also a possibility he may be looking for an excuse to transition into cheating.



funeralxempire
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22 May 2020, 11:39 pm

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
It is also a possibility he may be looking for an excuse to transition into cheating.


One could argue that in the context of addiction that porn basically becomes a surrogate for cheating, so the 'cheating behaviour' doesn't even need to be literal. I suppose that heavy substance abuse, or gambling addiction, or whatever self-gratifying behaviour that the person chooses to elevate to that degree of importance in their life. It's not just the neglect of the partner, it's that combined with neglecting them to do something that's offers immediate and short-term reward. Addiction isn't cheating, but placing it ahead of a relationship does seem to make it become analogous.

Anyways, with that rant in mind, I agree that it might suggest some sort of change in his priorities, whether it be literally what you're saying or something that's just analogous. Let's face it, with ASD cheating in the typically understood meaning is possible but not always likely. Sometimes his mistress is just a bitchin' train setup.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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23 May 2020, 12:26 am

Quote:
He says he is still interested in sex with other women and he now flirts a lot with other women.


None of the posters before me noticed this? This. Giant. Elephant. In. The. Room.

Like seriously?



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23 May 2020, 1:58 am

Rainy81 wrote:
I'm a NT and have been dating a man with ASD for 10 months. He has had many casual partners previously but I'm his first relationship. About 3 months ago he started loosing interest in sex with me. Prior to this he was very interested. Last month he told me he loves me but he now has zero desire to have sex with me. There appears to be an inverse relationship with sex and love, the more he loves me the less he wanted sex. He says he is still interested in sex with other women and he now flirts a lot with other women.
Does anyone have experience with something like this? I completely adore him but it's breaking my heart that he desires other women and not me. Most of the time it doesn't even seem like it bothers him.


This is common in men and I doubt it is about Asperger's specifically. If anyone thinks it is, why?
There is a male trait of conquest. Once victory has been obtained, on to the next prize. It is like that.
When you and your body have become familiar, you are like family, like Mother, that is a privileged role. It is also possible he will visit your bedchamber from time to time when your familiarity wears off.
Men seek novelty, new territory to explore, in the sexual sense. Guys that dig into the same body year after year are farmers. You have a nomad, a wanderer on your hands. If you want a farmer, they are out there, but a lot of farmers may be nomads just trying to be farmers in order to satisfy this modern world's expectations.


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23 May 2020, 3:09 am

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Rainy81 wrote:
I'm a NT and have been dating a man with ASD for 10 months. He has had many casual partners previously but I'm his first relationship. About 3 months ago he started loosing interest in sex with me. Prior to this he was very interested. Last month he told me he loves me but he now has zero desire to have sex with me. There appears to be an inverse relationship with sex and love, the more he loves me the less he wanted sex. He says he is still interested in sex with other women and he now flirts a lot with other women.
Does anyone have experience with something like this? I completely adore him but it's breaking my heart that he desires other women and not me. Most of the time it doesn't even seem like it bothers him.


This is common in men and I doubt it is about Asperger's specifically. If anyone thinks it is, why?
There is a male trait of conquest. Once victory has been obtained, on to the next prize. It is like that.
When you and your body have become familiar, you are like family, like Mother, that is a privileged role. It is also possible he will visit your bedchamber from time to time when your familiarity wears off.
Men seek novelty, new territory to explore, in the sexual sense. Guys that dig into the same body year after year are farmers. You have a nomad, a wanderer on your hands. If you want a farmer, they are out there, but a lot of farmers may be nomads just trying to be farmers in order to satisfy this modern world's expectations.


And this is why I've stopped giving men my time.

Men are wired so differently to women I just don't see the point of engaging their interest in the first place any more.

I'm sorry O.P. but I would dump that guy.



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23 May 2020, 10:33 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Quote:
He says he is still interested in sex with other women and he now flirts a lot with other women.


None of the posters before me noticed this? This. Giant. Elephant. In. The. Room.

Like seriously?
That is definitely wrong. Perhaps it is the thrill of the chase for that guy, wanting what he cant have kind of thing(the grass is always greener on the other side kinda thing). It may be a case where the guy is no longer attracted & interested in the OP for whatever reasons & he just doesn't wanna come out & admit it & he may even be wanting the OP to breakup with him. There is a chance that the guy thinks the OP is bad in bed like others have touched on. Either way the guy definitely should NOT be flirting with other women. Whatever is going on, he should have the decently to discuss it with his girl.


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23 May 2020, 12:44 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Quote:
He says he is still interested in sex with other women and he now flirts a lot with other women.


None of the posters before me noticed this? This. Giant. Elephant. In. The. Room.

Like seriously?


Yeah, it's really pretty simple. Her boyfriend plainly is not interested in a managomous relationship. If she is, she needs to walk away. He's clearly an emotional infant.


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