Taking "I don't care" too literally

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I know that I ruined some of the potential relationships I might have had through temper tantrums. That is old news. But here is something I realized more recently. There were a few examples of girls that put up with "other" kinds of tantrums but when I threw the tantrum involving the phrase "I don't care" then that specific tantrum hit a lot harder than other kinds. And I was actually told by those girls that they realized that I don't care and so why should they.

But what they don't seem to get is that I said it sarcastically. Why would a person who *truly* doesn't care ever proclaim it? They won't! The very fact that I was angry enough to use that phase shows that I *do* care: nobody gets angry about the things they don't care about. So I don't see why don't the girls get this.

Now I realize that you could say "yes they get you throw a tantrum, but nobody wants to be around an angry person". But the thing is:

1) Why were they okay with *other* kinds of tantrums I threw yet not this one? You see, if I talk about the girls that were pushed away by "all" my tantrums, then there is no question. But I am not talking about them. I am talking about the ones that put up with all the *rest* of my tantrums, yet somehow had an issue with the "I don't care" one.

2) And as a matter of fact, they even *told me* that they realized I didn't care (thus taking what I said literally). If they didn't *tell* me that, I would have just assumed that they had issues with my anger and it was the last straw. But nope. They told me that the issue was that I didn't care (as opposed to talking about my anger -- a likelier suspect).

So this leads me to obvious question. Why are they taking sarcasm literally? I thought taking sarcasm literally is an aspie thing and they are NT?

I have one theory about this though. Even though temper tantrums are one of my issues, they are not the only issue. There were plenty of times when I turned women off without any tantrums what so ever. Now, if I look at those situations then one of the typical complaints that I get is that I don't say "please" and "thank you", I keep talking about myself all the time without showing any interest in them, etc. So could it be that my tantrums simply *reinforced* the impression that I created *long before* I ever threw them?

I mean, lets say I were to have a tantrum where I were to say "I don't care about physics". Everyone will know its a sarcasm since my daily behavior shows that I spend all day long doing physics. But if I say "I don't care about you", then it fits right in with my talking about myself all the time, and thats why people don't get that its a sarcasm.

But that still leaves out a question: if I truly didn't care why would I be angry enough to proclaim how I don't care? Or could it be that they assume that I am so crazy that my behavior won't make sense anyway -- and thats why I "might as well" do something as contradictory as this?

If you throw a tantrum, it is obvious you're angry about something and therefore something happens or happened that you do care about. However, throwing a tantrum does not prove that you care about her as a person in any way she wants you to.

If something she said or did triggered the tantrum, it means you care enough about the things she does or says to get angry about them. It does not mean that you care about how she feels, what she wants or how your actions and words affect her. And that's the kind of caring she wants from you. Not merely that the things she does can elicit a reaction from you.

If she didn't trigger the tantrum, but you're just taking it out on her, it means you care about some things enough to get angry, but it doesn't even have anything to do with her. In that case you taking your anger out on her without her being at fault actually shows that you don't sufficiently care about how she feels, how your words affect her or whether you're being fair towards her.

If you tell her you don't care about her during a tantrum, what you say might be in line with what she observes. Your behavior shows you don't care about her in the way she wants you to care about her.

Well, ask yourself the following question: why would I care about things she "does or says" unless I care about how she feels? I mean, the reason I care about things she says is that they betray the way she truly feels. In particular, one of the triggers is that she seems distant, which in my mind implies she doesn't like me, which causes the tantrum. Here are the examples I am thinking of (I will put in bold the parts where I said "I don't care" and "it is meaningless"):

Example 1: Two years ago I was talking to a girl who was writing to me really long emails every day and also who spent lots of time talking to me through skype, both of which I enjoyed. Then during one of our text conversations she seemed more distant and I asked why and she said she was concerned about my expressing concerns regarding my future job prospects. Then I sent her the text message about the backup plans. But it took a while for her to respond and when she did she said "I appreciate you trying to figure it out" -- which almost sounded like she didn't believe me because that reply was too short. So I told her "I don't care what you appreciate". But that statement was sarcastic. I *do* care about things she *actually* appreciates. What I don't care is about things she *says* she appreciates in the above, dismissive, form. But she didn't take it this way. She took it as if I just told her I don't care what she appreciates which -- to her -- implies I don't care how she feels. Well, clearly I do care -- or else I wouldn't be paying attention to her tone, which I clearly did. Now I guess one thing you could say is that I didn't care what she feels I only cared about forcing her to be with me. But thats not exactly the case either. Because you see, she didn't say she decided to end it, she said she was on the fense about it. And, back in the good days, she never guaranteed dating either: she wanted to wait until we meet in person to decide (we were several states away). So, as far as "will we be in a relationship or not" the answer was "maybe" both times. What triggered me was not the actual answer but rather the *feeling* of her distance. So if I was triggered so much by the perceived distance, that means I *do* care about what she feels. What ended up happening is that she asked for space to "think" and then -- after she was done "thinking" -- she told me that she wanted to arrange our meeting as soon as possible (we were across the country from each other) so that she could decide whether or not to pursue a relationship with me. Now, "before" I made that "I don't care" comment, she wasn't trying to rush the meeting. Quite the opposite: she wanted to postpone it so that we have enough connection established for it to go well. So I interpretted her intentions of rushing it now as if she "didn't want" it to work and thats why she didn't want more connection established before the meeting. She even said so herself, she said she didn't want to "invest" before we meet. Thats why I started to argue against us meeting (even though in any other situation I would have been in favor of it) and, at the same time, I was also arguing with her as to why she wouldn't write me the long letters that she used to write. In any case, we started talking in April, she originally wanted to meet on August, but after that temper tantrum she wanted to meet in the end of June. Now, the whole entire reason I didn't want to meet sooner is because I wanted to establish more connection before we meet (which is what she used to want). But when I saw that I wasn't establishing more connection -- no matter how much I nag her to write long emails she didn't -- I said "fine lets meet". But you see, she was talking about meeting at the end of June back in May, and now it was already close to teh end of June so she looked at the ticket costs and it was too expensive and then she said that she has no choice but to meet on August but she isn't sure about that either because she will get paid less than before which is why she wanted to meet sooner (but thats not what she told me!) and then she said that she is frustrated by the whole thing because we could have met if I didn't argue. I apologized but she didn't reply with any indication that she accepted my apology. Then I didn't hear from her for over a month, and then mid-July I messaged her and she told me she broke up.

Example 2: I was talking to a girl since the end of Feburary till the beginning of this April. We are both 40 but I am doing second ph.d. and she never been to college, so I kept trying to persuade her to go back to school, which she agreed with at first (in fact, she applied and got accepted) but then she went back on it and was hesitating whether she should accept the offer. Also, at first, she was willing to change her brand of Christianity to mine, but went back on it later. And, last but not least, I wanted to hide from my mom that I met her online so for the coming few months I didn't want to tell my mom about her altogether and later on make up a story of how we met. Again, she agreed to do it at first, but went back on it later. If she were to say no to all these three things right away, I wouldn't be so upset with her -- most other women would of said no too. But the fact that it was a yes that later on became a no is what made me argue with her. Now you might say that these are really good reasons why "most people" would break up with me. But like I said she isn't most people. The fact of a matter is that she didn't break up over any of these things. I should acknowledge, though, that at the time when she was breaking up she was mentioning the above things as part of the bigger picture as to why she feels we are incompatible. But its hard for me to believe that they were the main reasons since they were there from the start yet she didn't break up with me until later. What "does" appear to play bigger role is that she said that somehow I "became a different person" (in the bad way) after I moved to my mom's place due to my classes becoming remote due to pandemics. But thats where I don't understand her. From my point of view I didn't change after moving to my mom's. We were across the country from each other both times and we never met in person. The two things she mentioned -- namely my negativity about my own life and the fact that school is all I talk about -- were both true before I moved to my mom. The only thing that changed is that my mom has a really wide bed so I was often chatting with her from my bed and kept falling asleep in the middle of the chat. But she didn't even mention this particular thing. So I am at loss as to how I changed. In any case, the particular event after which she tried to break up with me was when I asked her to do the phone call to UPS for me instead of doing it myself. She didn't even tell me she was upset by my request, she simply refused to do it and I was like "okay thats fine" but then I didn't hear from her for a day and a half, and then evening the next day she told me she wanted to break up and I asked why and she said it was because I asked her to make that call. I then started to explain to her how I didn't realize that she would be put off by this, given that I earlier asked her to look up the library books and she was just fine with that, and now that I realize this I wouldn't do it again. She was explaing to me why to her asking her to look up the books is fine but asking her to call UPS isn't. I didn't see the difference between the two but she did. So then I made a different point: now that I know that to her these two things are different, I wouldn't ask her to make a phone call to UPS any more, but I didn't know about it before so why should I be responsible for something I didn't know. At first she was dismissive about it but then she agreed with me to give me another chance. So then I said "so are we back together". She said "we never broke up to begin with". So then I was like "what do you mean you never broke up with me, here is the chat log where it says you did". And then she basically told me that the way *I* (not her) was talking indicates that *I* (not her) was thinking we were still dating. So then I told her that what *I* do is irrelevant if *she* decided that we broke up. But somehow she wasn't seeing that point. In any case, I finally agreed to change topics to something positive and we talked about positive things for an hour or two, but that other issue was still on the back of my mind. So an hour or two later I said, out of the blue, "quite frankly our relationship is meaningless because we are always in a relationship as long as I say thats the case". But you see, the whole entire reason why I said it is because I *do* care what she thinks. What I said implied that it would "gain meaning" if it would actually be "her" liking me, as opposed to her simply agreeing with whatever I want to do just because. So clearly I care whether or not she likes me -- which means that its not meaningless after all. But she took the word "meaningless" literally. So the next day she told me that she won't continue dating me until I tell my mom that she exists. So I asked her why did the mom suddenly became such an issue this particular day if she knew about the situation all along? She told me that after she heard my saying the day before that the relationship was meaningless she started to think that it would be meaningless unless I mention it to my mom. But wait a second, thats not why I told her it was meaningless, is it? So its like she took the word "meaningless" totally out of the context in which I was using it and inserted it into a totally different context! I pointed it out to her, and explained to her that I only used that phrase in the context of the fact that she broke up. She dismissed it by saying that back at the time when I thought she broke up she didn't. I told her I believe her *now*, but there was no way for me to know it back then, since I was not a mind reader, so she shouldn't hold it against me that I simply read what she wrote for what it says. But then she was like "it doesn't matter, you should tell your mom about me anyway". But remember how the whole context where "mom issue" came up is that word "meaningless" -- which I already explained to her was taken out of context? So I reiterated once again "but you told me I have to do it because I used the word meaningless" and she was like "the mom would have been a deal breaker eventually, the word meaningless just made it happen a little bit sooner" and I was like "but why should the word meaningless be relevant to this at all, if it was taken out of context" and she never bothered to answer this question. She kept insisting that, if I were to tell my mom she exists, as well as the truth about how we met (online) -- she would be willing to work through other issues but -- until I do -- she is done. Which makes no sense at all, since thats not what she been telling me any other time before then. To make long story short, she stopped responding to all my messages. So what would happen *if* I were to tell my mom (no I am not going to, but *what if* I did) how would she know it if she doesn't even bother opening my messages? I didn't hear from her for over a month.

Now here is an interesting observation The girl in Example 1 reacted by asking me to arrange meeting with her sooner. The girl in Example 2 reacted by insisting that I introduce her to my mom if we are to date. So both of them, in a sense, asked me to "prove" that I care by investing something. That shows that they both took "I don't care" quite literally, even though it wasn't meant that way.



But that would be true regarding *any* form of tantrum. So why would the one with "I don't care" be any "worse" than the other ones? I guess it would be worse *if* she takes it literally. But it doesn't make sense in the literal sense regardless. For example, I don't really care about my neighbors (as a matter of fact, I don't even know who they are). Now, if I am angry at something else, would I ever yell "I don't care about my neighbors"? No I won't. I mean, my neighbors never even cross my mind -- angry or not -- so it wouldn't even occur to me to mention them. By the same token, if I don't care about the girl I am dating, it won't cross my mind to say how I don't care. I would probably pick something totally different. Anyway, here is an example about misdirected anger when it doesn't make much sense:

Example 3: Three years ago I met the girl online that was actually living in the same town. I invited her to come to Bible studies I was regularly going to and she agreed to come. I also asked her to let me use her storage room, which she agreed to as well. In any case, during my Thanksgiving visit to my mom I was skyping with her while my mom was calling me to go to Thanksgiving party. As I mentioned earlier, I don't tell my mom I talk to girls online so I had to come up with some other things I was busy doing. Since my mom was really pushy, I lost my temper and I wrote to that girl how I plan to dump her after I become a professor. But then I added "please don't break up with me, I need to use you to become more popular and I also need to use your storage room". Then my mom was about to walk into the room so I closed my computer before she could see it and went to the party -- which is why I didn't have time to explain right away that it was a tantrum -- but then, after the party, I explained it to her and apologized. She told me that she was a lot more upset by my remark regarding popularity and storage than she was about the remark about dumping her in the future But that doesn't make a lot of sense since they are both bad. The only way they would make sense is if she takes it literally. But it doesn't make sense to take it literally: if I were to want to use someone, I would never admit it would I? I mean, using someone is a very strategic thing to do, and actually telling them I am using them would go against this strategy, would it not? So, since it doesn't make any logical sense why I would say this to her, the only explanation would be illogical one: namely, I lost my temper and said stuff I didn't mean. But if I said stuff I didn't mean, why take it seriously then? In other words, she can't have it both ways: either I meant it, or I didn't. If I meant it, it makes no logical sense why, since it would blow up my supposed strategy. If I didn't mean it, then why take it seriously then? In any case, we continued to date but the relationship went more rocky. For example, one issue that came up a week later is that -- after I was back to her place -- she got really sick and her mom had an issue with the fact that I didn't ask her how she feels (she is in her 30-s but she lives with her mom due to her poor health). I then insisted that she tells her mom that the reason I didn't ask her how she feels is because I felt awkward when her mom was taking care of her and acting like I wasn't in the room. She didn't really want to pass it to her mom because she said that the subject was over and she should just move on, but I insisted that she would. In any case, as we had more and more fights, at some point she took a break for a couple of weeks. But then, after the break was over, she invited me to work on gingerbread house for the Christmas. At first I thought "okay good, she finally realized these were just misunderstandings and she will work on fixing them". But then I was disappointed to see that it was "only" the Christmas things she invited me to and nothing else. So I said Christmas is meaningless. But she took it the wrong way. You see, I was born Jewish although I came to believe in Jesus so I am Messianic (a faith that combines Judaism with Christianity). Now, most Messianics -- although they believe in Jesus -- they don't celebrate Christmas since they view it as pagan (Jesus birthday was not on Dec 25). So she thought that was the reason I said it was meaningless. But that was CLEARLY not the context in which I said it! What I meant to say was "I was hoping it was about the two of us but apparently not". So Hannukah would have been just as meaningless as far as I am concerned -- and (unlike some other Messianics) I have nothing against Christmas by the way. Now, apart from thinking that I said it about Christmas, she also said that I don't pay attention to things that are important to her: she pointed out how she told me earlier how Christmas is a big deal for her and how I supposedly not paid attention to it. Again this amounts to taking what I said out of context. If Christmas IS a big deal to her -- that would only reinforce my point that it isn't about me but about Christmas. Lets say that she won a Noble Price. That is clearly a big deal. BUt that would make it even less about me. Do you see my point? Apparently, she didn't. In any case, we ended up meeting to do gingerbread house, but then after our meeting she didn't get closer to me like I hoped she would, so I started nagging her about it and she ended up breaking up with me. Now, remember what I said about my posessions being in her storage? I asked her to get them back to me but she was saying it was too cold out there and her health is frail so maybe later. Then, a year later, she posted a picture on facebook about her cat going on the rainbow and I felt bad for her cat, it seemed like we were getting closer so I asked her again to give me another chance to date. SHe didn't say yes but she didn't say no either, she was more or less considering it. But then I asked her whether her new cat that she bought is microchipped and she said it is, and I was trying to tell her how its a bad idea and mentioned to her that I am concerned about the possibility that the cat that just died went to hell because of the microchip. This drew her further away from me. Then I apologized for the remark that I made and started nagging her to talk to me more. She said she will talk to me more its just that at the moment she is busy with her friend. But as I kept insisting, she blocked me. So now I don't have any way to get back the stuff from her storage because she blocked me. One thing I am wondering is whether she is trying to get back at me for that remark about using her storage by purpusely withholding my stuff from me? Incidentally, as you recall, I mentioned two things: using her storage and using her to be more popular. Well, after that remark, she started making excuses why she couldn't come to Bible studies -- namely she was saying its cold and her health is too frail, which is the same excuse as she made as to why she can't get me my stuff from the storage back. But -- before that remark -- she went to the Bible studies (although its true she only went once). I am wondering if its her way of being passive aggressive.