Do you detest people stating the obvious to you?

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Jayo
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29 Jun 2020, 11:54 am

You've probably all heard of that character from 2010s pop culture lore, "Captain Obvious". :lol:

But, even though at times - objectively speaking - I just *may* have warranted such an obvious comment, I generally detest them. I take it as an affront from the other person, a condescending attitude towards my condition. Even though they may be doing it genuinely b/c they're not sure whether I was aware of the "obvious" factor or not.

A perfect example: with my wife of over a decade, who's NT but more introverted/intellectual, often tells me "obvious" things in a given situation, like when I'm looking for a missing object, or wondering how we should deal with some business that seems to have been giving us the run-around, whatever the case may be. And then I tell her "well, duh, that's obvious!! How could anyone not see that??!" -- and she replies "hmmm....well, with *you*, sometimes I don't know!!" :x We got in a few arguments before about how "the obvious" can be subjective and there's times she ought to reasonably know that I would find something obvious, but she still told me "but I can't read your mind, there's no way I can know" (I guess not all NTs have the monopoly on ToM, but I digress.)

I can tell she's not doing it in a mean-spirited kind of way - not like a former boss I had years ago, who would state the obvious to me and I could tell she was doing it out of sarcasm (being passive-aggressive), out of some perceived "owed payback" towards putting up with the idiosyncrasies of my condition. :evil:

My theory is there's a "minimum passing mark" towards perceiving things that are obvious, and I believe that it's, say, around 80% - and I'm at like 70%. (I've made great strides in reducing my ASD/HFA to a borderline, barely detectable level). But for the average NT, they "score" at about 90%. So because I fall short by 10 percentage points, my wife feels compelled to state the obvious even though 7/8 times I *get* that it's obvious, she can't take the chance that what if it's the other 1/8. If that makes sense. The only folks who are more hypersensitive to this sort of thing (like my former boss) are the toxic personalities, like narcissists, antisocial personalities, type-A personalities, you get the idea. For THEM, the "passmark" is probably more like 95%, because they are high on emotional intuition (yet low on ethics & compassion) and sniffing out perceived weakness like a shark sensing blood in the water. Funny thing is, I've noticed obvious signs of such people from early on when others seemed to be oblivious to it (or willfully ignorant). But I'm digressing.

Of course, I didn't bother to tell all this to my wife, who in true NT-fashion would say "you think too much." or "you over-analyze things" :lol: :roll:



Fnord
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29 Jun 2020, 12:04 pm

Stating the obvious to me is a way of letting me know that the person speaking thinks that I am too stupid to see what they are talking about.  This is why I strive to "go deep" in my conversations ... and end up offending those who are too stupid to see what I am talking about.  But I am not about to "dumb down" just to make others happy.


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Karamazov
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29 Jun 2020, 12:09 pm

^ :lmao:
I do the same without intending it, for some reason I get accused of being “patronising” when this happens.



Fnord
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29 Jun 2020, 12:10 pm

Karamazov wrote:
I do the same without intending it, for some reason I get accused of being “patronising” when this happens.
Yet they probably think it is perfectly okay for them to "patronise" you instead, right?


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Karamazov
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29 Jun 2020, 12:18 pm

Fnord wrote:
Karamazov wrote:
I do the same without intending it, for some reason I get accused of being “patronising” when this happens.
Yet they probably think it is perfectly okay for them to "patronise" you instead, right?


Exactly so!

Me explaining the essence of Einstein’s reconceptualisation of gravity is patronising, them explaining how to fry an egg isn’t. :roll:



Fnord
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29 Jun 2020, 12:29 pm

Karamazov wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Karamazov wrote:
I do the same without intending it, for some reason I get accused of being “patronising” when this happens.
Yet they probably think it is perfectly okay for them to "patronise" you instead, right?
Exactly so!  Me explaining the essence of Einstein’s reconceptualisation of gravity is patronising, them explaining how to fry an egg isn’t.
Them pointing out that a clock in my office is off by 7 or 8 hours is being helpful, while me explaining that the clock is set to Coordinated Universal Time (and why) is patronizing or talking down.


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Karamazov
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29 Jun 2020, 12:37 pm

Fnord wrote:
Karamazov wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Karamazov wrote:
I do the same without intending it, for some reason I get accused of being “patronising” when this happens.
Yet they probably think it is perfectly okay for them to "patronise" you instead, right?
Exactly so!  Me explaining the essence of Einstein’s reconceptualisation of gravity is patronising, them explaining how to fry an egg isn’t.
Them pointing out that a clock in my office is off by 7 or 8 hours is being helpful, while me explaining that the clock is set to Coordinated Universal Time (and why) is patronizing or talking down.

Oh yes!
We help by explaining how to do “normal”.
You patroniseby explaining you’ve tried “normal”, and how & why it doesn’t work for you.

I tell myself that the desire to help is genuine, but completely misguided.



Jayo
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29 Jun 2020, 2:15 pm

Fnord wrote:
Stating the obvious to me is a way of letting me know that the person speaking thinks that I am too stupid to see what they are talking about.  This is why I strive to "go deep" in my conversations ... and end up offending those who are too stupid to see what I am talking about.  But I am not about to "dumb down" just to make others happy.


This strikes me as many a Sheldon Cooper interaction :D



LunaticCentruroides
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29 Jun 2020, 2:39 pm

I've experienced this as far as I can remember.

If someone does this to me, my attitude reaches an ugly level of being rude due to provocation. Love turns into hate. To pay them back their silly behavior, I do the same to them.



HeroOfHyrule
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29 Jun 2020, 3:13 pm

I used to get frustrated when I was younger, but now that I've learned people think differently and know different information from me it doesn't bother me, and I've found myself doing the same thing. I don't say "obvious" things because I think people are stupid, I just don't know what other people are paying attention to/thinking about at the moment and cannot assume that they already know what I know. As long as I'm not actively condescending people don't get mad unless they're already insecure about being seen as stupid. :roll: There's a lot more times where people weren't paying attention to or didn't know what I mentioned and they were okay with me politely doing so.



naturalplastic
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29 Jun 2020, 3:46 pm

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
I used to get frustrated when I was younger, but now that I've learned people think differently and know different information from me it doesn't bother me, and I've found myself doing the same thing. I don't say "obvious" things because I think people are stupid, I just don't know what other people are paying attention to/thinking about at the moment and cannot assume that they already know what I know. As long as I'm not actively condescending people don't get mad unless they're already insecure about being seen as stupid. :roll: There's a lot more times where people weren't paying attention to or didn't know what I mentioned and they were okay with me politely doing so.


This.



firemonkey
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29 Jun 2020, 4:27 pm

Unless we're mind readers it's not always clear something is obvious to someone else.


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starkid
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29 Jun 2020, 8:26 pm

Yes I hate it, but probably only if it's based on a completely groundless assumption about what I don't know. If somebody tells me something I already know because she's seen clues that suggest that I might not know something (like seeing me searching for something before I leave the house and assuming I don't know where my keys are), even if those clues are misinterpreted, it doesn't bother me as much as somebody telling me something I already know for no clear reason.

This behavior is one example of the larger class of insufferable human behaviors: assumptions. I hate assumptions so much, more than I dislike lying or manipulation, for example.

I'd rather take the risk that someone never figures something out rather than tell that person something obvious. Even when people show signs of not being aware of what's obvious, I try to ask them a question to confirm that we're on the same page rather than assume that they don't know something obvious.


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Redd_Kross
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29 Jun 2020, 9:10 pm

Do I detest people stating the obvious to me?

Well, of course.



naturalplastic
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30 Jun 2020, 5:59 am

It all depends on the situation. Everyone misses things, or has different aptitudes. Depends on how they mean it. If its deliberately insulting. It could be accidentally insulting, But it could be not insulating at, just informative.

There are moments you might resent it. Like one time at work folks were explaining something to me and i was incredulous that they were....explaining something THAT friggin obvious to me. But I never got the chance to explain my incredulity to the explainers. They thought I had trouble understanding concept A, when in fact I was shocked that they felt they needed to explain concept A to the assembled staff in the first place because concept A is such a basic concept to the job that everyone should already understand it. Which in turn meant that there is something seriously wrong with the way the company trains folks if there really are large numbers of folks who dont grasp the concept.

And then there was that time that I was staying with that older couple in Cape Cod -friends of my parents.

The three of us were talking about some destination on the Cape. I ask "so you get on to rt 28 south?". The host guy then launches into a pompous lecture about how we are are in the inner cape and that the out cape is east of us blah blah blah blah....and then with a dramatic flourish he finnished he announces "its east not south".

1) revealed that he didnt even know his own neighborhood as well an outsider like me knows it.

2) revelaed that he was dumb enough to assume that an adult like me didnt know that the outer cape is east of the inner cape. A very stupid assumption indeed.

3) That he didnt know that the road eastward to the outer cape IS indeed 28 South (even though on the cape it goes east, and then turns north, its still on the road signs as "28 South" because on the mainland the shank of the highway comes straight south from Boston).

I FELT like saying "Gee Wiz! I am impressed! You know as much about geography as I did when I was eight years old! And I bet that if you study geography for another ten years that you will know as much about it as I did when I was 9 years old! And I bet you know numbers and colors too! But we are not talking about what compass direction you drive in. We are talking about what road you take! And as all of your local neighbors know...when you go EAST to the outer cape, you take Rt. 28 SOUTH!! !! !"

But I couldnt actually that to the host. Basically I didnt say anything at all. Which was the only thing I could say.



kraftiekortie
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30 Jun 2020, 6:39 am

It can get irritating....obviously :P