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NachoRaj
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16 Jul 2020, 7:37 pm

I'm new on this site but in order to not clog up the forum with most likely what will be constant threads about my life I'll just post here.

As of typing, its July 16th 2020. I'm 24 and living with my elderly parents. My whole life feels like its been utter agony. Not only do I have the Autism diagnosis, but I also have gender dysphoria. I'm not a real girl and never will be. I feel horrible about myself and lot in life, constantly wishing I was someone else. I have an obsession about history and other countries and want to leave the United States for another country. These countries change weeklyish. Right now, I'm obsessed with Belgium. I'm currently trying to learn Dutch. I've done this before with other countries. Belgium came up before, and when I learned they discontinued a visa to make immigration easier, I violently banged my head on the wall and my parents took me to a hospital.

Right now, every breath, every thought is about being a girl and not living in the United States. I know other autistic people like me have problems with obsessions, but mine are so strong. I'm literally watching the Belgian anthem on repeat on youtube. I know the words by heart now and it never gets boring.

Continuing on, I never held a real job in my life. I hate work with a passion. If it were up to me, the government would just give me a large lump sum of money, and remove all passport restrictions and give me any passport I want. I'd use that money to travel the world, or buy a home in the country I love. I've worked several different jobs, and quit after a few weeks. I'm a chronic quitter. Not only in work but in my own hobbies and interests. One example of this would be Hearts of Iron IV. I used to be a pro when it came out but when the new DLC for the game dropped, (man the guns) I gave up. I literally couldn't play anymore because the new naval system was too difficult so I quit.

I also hate myself so much. Ideally, id be a neurotypical female that's not American and doesn't speak English. I don't know why I obsess over this because its impossible to achieve. Relationships are hard for me and its gotten even to the point of "I don't want to date you if you don't have a foreign passport." I've dated both guys and girls online from different countries but the relationship falls apart so quickly. I don't know what to say to keep the conversation going.]

Finance is also a problem. I bought 2 lightsabers with my stimulus check and a German WWI uniform. There have been several times where my account went into the red. I receive a monthly welfare check (SSI).

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in a discord server where I used to play an online roleplay game with different countries kinda like a text based HOI4. I don't even play it anymore and complain to members on this discord. One guy in the server really hates me and told me to "stop treating countries like candy."

All I want is to wake up tomorrow in a female body, with mom and dad accepting that (which they are not) and a diplomatic envoy from Belgium showing up at my door with a Belgian passport saying "Lana, come live with us! you are important to our country!" But I'm not important to them. They don't want me there.

I'm also fat as a house. I'm an extremely picky eater. Mom and dad get offended that I won't eat their hamburger helper but I'm willing to eat Ethiopian food. I'm 280 lbs and I don't care anymore.

I hate my life, I hate my obsessions and surely I'm coming off as extremely odd to a forum I've never even browsed before. I don't even know if anyone will be able to help.

Thats it for now. I'll post more later. I'm going to meet with my new boss tomorrow. An agency helped me get a job, and I start Monday stocking shelves. I'm going to hate it because I did it before at a different store.

Thanks.



blazingstar
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16 Jul 2020, 8:07 pm

Hello NachoRaj and Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I’m glad you are here and thanks for telling your story. I am sorry you feel so awful.

It sounds like you would prefer anything rather than what you are and where you are. Is there any thing, even a very tiny thing, that you do like?


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NachoRaj
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16 Jul 2020, 8:11 pm

blazingstar wrote:
Hello NachoRaj and Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I’m glad you are here and thanks for telling your story. I am sorry you feel so awful.

It sounds like you would prefer anything rather than what you are and where you are. Is there any thing, even a very tiny thing, that you do like?


Its so difficult to think about where I live, I really don't see any upsides. For my gender, I guess one positive thing would be military reenacting. Girl's didn't fight in WWI. I want to get a Belgian WW1 uniform that I found. As for where I live, I don't see anything good. At this point, I don't know how I'm gonna function. Once my parents die the state is obviously going to step in.



NachoRaj
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24 Jul 2020, 5:07 pm

I now have a job I hate. I work in a grocery store. This seems simple enough but time slows to a grinding halt whenever I show up for work. All I can think about is leaving. I hate my job so much. I hate facing. Facing is when you pull the product forward. I don't understand why it's such a big deal for product to face a certain direction if it's there, then why is there a problem? So what if it's a little bit behind the display or something. I also hate stocking. We go in the backroom and I see a giant pallet of product I need to stock. I get overwhelmed and my heart sinks. "I have to stock all this? I end up feeling defeated and just looking at the giant amount of product I have to move makes me feel horrible.

Needless to say, I hate my job. I hate any type of work. I don't want to work at all, I don't see the point. I hate ALL jobs I have ever done. Not a single one has brought me any visible joy. All the jobs I want to do involve higher education or are just impossible. For example, I'd like to join the Belgian Army. The Belgian army only accepts EU citizens, I'm not an EU citizen and even if I was they would never accept me for being this messed up. Every thought I have is Belgium now. I literally breathe and I'm thinking about it in some fashion and I can't stop.

I hate my life. I might be getting a job at a gated community as a gatekeeper but I'm terrified I won't get the job. I think I would be able to handle it since its just opening a gate. I hope its not more nuanced than that and I end up getting that job and hating it.

Can anyone, anyone at all please help me? I've never felt this bad before.



NachoRaj
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10 Jun 2021, 4:01 pm

It's been a year and no one even replied. Figures. Guess wrong planet is a slow forum. I'm no longer at the grocery store, instead for the past 10 months I worked in a gated community taking temperatures, and working in a gym cleaning. It's better than the grocery store job, its still minimum wage, its not skilled at all so I'm not leaving the country at all. The Belgium obsession faded away, despite that being very strong in July of 2020. My obsessions come and go. I'm not sure if any of you have experienced obsessions that come in very strong then just die, then come back. Now I'm obsessed with Italy. I've been doing Italian for 12 days on Duolingo, whenever I get an answer wrong I'll hit myself. I hate getting answers wrong. I have an opportunity to work at a well known company near me, I'm not going to reveal what it is so I don't get doxxed but they have a location in Italy. I don't know but for the pure fact that they have a location in Italy I'd love to work there. I don't even care about the company ethos, my brain is like "Italy!". I turn 25 in three days, I'm dreading it. I just keep getting older, I keep working and I doubt I'll ever have that big "Hey Nacho, you're promoted! You are making a living wage now!" Or that "You've been working here for awhile, would you like to get transferred to where you like?" I mean, where I work now has only one location. There isn't one in Italy so I can't work my way up and move to Italy with my current job.

As for the transgender stuff, I'm just so tired. I've given up. I'll never be a girl, I'm ugly, unpassable and no one can tell me otherwise. I rolled a 0 on the genetic lottery and character creation in the game we call life. I have been told I could be attractive as a man if I dropped 100 lbs and lifted. My problem here is my dumb ass doesn't know what machine to use in the gym yet I currently have a gym I can use FOR FREE right now! The only machine I know what to use right now are the cardio machines. Also there's a girl I failed with in high school. We will call her Camilla. Camilla was a 5'6 nerdy girl that liked anime and was aghast at my obsessions with history, politics, religion, languages and culture. I failed with her and she doesn't want anything with me. I'll never find another one like her.

I don't know what to do anymore.



Mountain Goat
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10 Jun 2021, 5:38 pm

Facing is a relitively new concept as in the past they would do the opposite in retail where as things ran out, customers would need to reach for the back and the theory was that they would buy quickly thinking the products would run out.
Facing is a modern retail trend which tries to push the products into ones face. It all depends on the customers the shops are trying to attract. If they are trying to attract the yonger generation (If the store managers or the head office staff have been trained properly in retail) they will tell their staff to set the products up by the facing method.
If they are trying to sell to customers who are around their 50's or older, they will be telling their staff to set up the products in the traditional ways starting from the back and stocking them up towards the front.
Products with a sell by date will always be stacked so the newest in goes towards the back using either method for obvious reasons.


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NachoRaj
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10 Jun 2021, 6:00 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
Facing is a relitively new concept as in the past they would do the opposite in retail where as things ran out, customers would need to reach for the back and the theory was that they would buy quickly thinking the products would run out.
Facing is a modern retail trend which tries to push the products into ones face. It all depends on the customers the shops are trying to attract. If they are trying to attract the yonger generation (If the store managers or the head office staff have been trained properly in retail) they will tell their staff to set the products up by the facing method.
If they are trying to sell to customers who are around their 50's or older, they will be telling their staff to set up the products in the traditional ways starting from the back and stocking them up towards the front.
Products with a sell by date will always be stacked so the newest in goes towards the back using either method for obvious reasons.

That does make sense, I'm not working in the store anymore though. Thank you for the response.