I think I just made things bad to worse with my step mom

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So, things have been extremely rough between me and my step mom since I am living with her my dad. I think I made it a little worse today with a meltdown I had in front of her.

First, I'm going to build u a picture of how things are between us. It's pretty long, though. Alright, so I am 28 and, with the exception of my time at college and a few residential positions I have held, I have been mostly living with my dad and his wife.

This last year (since last November) has been extremely rough. I kept applying to jobs but didn't get anything (I am starting to lose hope about ever getting a real position in the environmental science field, which is what I graduated from college for in 2014). In the beginning of the year, I had to get a root canal that my insurance failed to cover (still waiting for that fair hearing), so it left me with months of pain and hindered the job finding process as well as made me have to ask for help from both mom and dad for the root canal. Then Covid 19 happened.

I am highly aware that supporting me is a burden, that on top of paying for my insurances and providing a roof above my head, they also have to pay for food and provide a car for my use and a million other things. I am grateful to them for that. Unfortunately, my dad's wife keeps reminding me of these things and how I am almost 30 and asks what I am going to do if anything ever happens to them.

I also understand that my parents want time to themselves, so I tried to give them the front room basically all evenings and just be out during the day when they weren't home, doing some chores and stuff then and mainly greeting them (after giving Dad's wife the first 10 minutes to greet him beforehand) and eating dinner/helping clean up in the evenings. I won't lie, it's pretty lonely. Painfully so. But this is their house, they are married and I am a 28 year old daughter living off of them.

Covid made that worse, because my dad's wife had to work from home and it was crystal clear that she did not want to have to deal with me when she was working, so I have become basically restricted either to my room or outside (we live on 23 acres of land so neighbors aren't an issue). I also couldn't work on chores as much. And sometimes, even in the evenings, they would tell me not to do the dishes at a certain moment/ leave it to them and never call me in when they started (I lose myself when I focus on things I am doing in my room. I want to lose myself because I don't like the loneliness when I know that there are two people in the living room, one of which probably thinks I'm avoiding him and the other who does't want me around. It hurts and I need my escapes so badly).

It also exacerbated a major problem that I think comes with my AS. I think I am limited by the amount of thoughts I can have in my head at once. Finding the balance between clearing out of the room quickly and doing the chores that my dad's wife expects me to get done is hard. A task I am continually failing at, judging by how upset she always is at me. She starts sighing and I try to figure out what I've done wrong only for everything to freeze up in my head and miss the most obvious thing. She won't tell me what's wrong unless she gets angry enough, then she'll be furious that I didn't figure it out.

I also can't apply to jobs during the day anymore because our internet does not function well enough for two people to use it at once. So, since she gets off at four, I changed up my sleeping schedule (I went from a 8:30am-12:00am day to a 10:00am-2:00am day. I would look for jobs in the evening and spend hours working on fanfiction in the day and after my few hours of job searching. Naturally, she got upset because I seemed perfectly satisfied with staying up late, sleeping in and fooling around while she and dad (who did not have to work from home) still did work.

As covid restrictions began to lift, I wanted to wait a couple weeks to see if the reopening was really working safely, but my dad's wife wanted me out of the house. So, I went out sometimes, not at a rate I was comfortable with but one that would make her be calmer.

She has also made it clear on several occasions that I use my AS as an excuse to take the easy path in life.

No matter how frustrated I become, I can't get angry back at her. When dad is there, I know that it will make him angry at her. When it is just her and I, I know that in a verbal argument, I will not be able to counter anything with her and just get torn down worse. So, I bottle my emotions up, pulling out skills I built up in high school to hide my anger and frustration as much as I can whenever she'd get onto me.

Now things aren't always bad with her. Sometimes, we do nice things for each other. She's always willing to help me when I need help preparing job application/interview stuff. I'll get things for her that I know she'll like while out in town. She'll give suggestions for me to make things better. I know, logically that a lot of this is just being cooped up in the same space for so long.

Needless to say, between being jobless despite having a Bachelor's Degree, living at home and trying to not upset my dad's wife, my self confidence is not at it's highest right now. Sometimes I am happy but when I am not...I can be pretty self degrading.

So, knowing that I need to get my emotions out some way, I often wait until Dad and his wife are out of the house to just have a good cry which often turns into a full on meltdown. After the main one, I will sometimes have secondary bursts but be well enough to be in control of my emotions by the time they get back.

Today, I might have messed up on that.

Things have been building for me, stress wise. My computer is busted and currently getting repaired by Best Buy (this is an older computer that I am thankful to have). I thought the date for filing taxes was the end of the month and not the middle, so had to request an extension (which my dad gave up time to help me with, leaving me feeming grateful to him, the self disappointment of leaving things off until I needed his help and the fear that his wife will hold it against me). His wife has also been expressing her frustrations with me more often lately and has made itclear that I need to put in more effort to get out of the house as well as find a job.

Since I had gotten up late today (my body demanding 10 hours the last few days, instead of the usual 8 to 8 and a half, my lunch was late. I entered the kitchen and Dad and his wife told me that they were gathering trash. What my mind picked up from this: If you get lunch right now, you'll be in our way.

What my dad's wife expected me to get from this: Go get the trash from your bathroom

She made a comment about how Dad had gotten it for me and they were leaving. And while it was the straw that broke the camels back, I was able to hold myself together until they got out of the house.

Then I cried. Sobbing, Keening, kicking things, fighting the urge to scratch at myself (a rare urge that I am not happy to see return). But, I thought by the hour it would take them to get to the dump and come back, I could collect myself. Once I had calmed down, I had a bowl of soup for lunch, washed the dish and put it in the strainer aon top of the others (this is important for what comes next).

I knew the moment she walked in that I was wrong. She was clearly upset from the cold, stiff way she was standing. As I leave the room and dad goes outside, I hear the sound of her putting dishes away.

This mean she wasn't upset with me. It also means I can't do anything about it because she is 'already taking care of it.' So, I go to my room (but I leave the door opening because the air conditioning in the house wont get into my room otherwise.

She came back to my room and asked if I thought the dishes 'magically' put themselves away (as if I didn't put them away every morning...or they didn't leave their dishes from lunch to dry, too).

Stupid me, as she scolded me, I told her, "I get it I'm a F***ing waste of space!" I just wanted her to get out. It was the meltdown that I had been coming back here to stop from happening, but now letting out the voice that was tearing me down in my head.

She told me to "watch my tone" when I'm talking to her.

As for me, I started bawling and apologizing over and over.

She left me alone, but not before giving me that look of disgust I knew she would because she thinks I'm trying to get her sympathy or something, when it couldn't be further form the truth. I never wanted her to see me break down because I knew that she would react this way. I'm still crying on and off. She thinks I'm looking for support that I know better than to beg for. We're both trying to hide it from dad (who I've become so adept at hiding things from that he hasn't caught on to any of this garbage).

I'm so tired and I'm clearly not in a good place right now. I just don't know what to do. I was hoping writing this here would help.


Alright: So, after typing all of this, My dad's wife just came in and talked to me, concerned for my reaction. She asked me what was wrong made some suggestions to help me work through this. She is worried to see me in that state. So it isn't quite as bad as I was describing above but it is still pretty bad. I am still going to post it as originally planned but ad this as an afterward thing. I'm exhausted but I needed to say something.

Long post. I can see you are under a lot of stress and very dearly wish for your independence. How to help you!

Well first thing is that stress is a chemical reaction within your body. It is a physical cascade of hormones that are released during stressful situations that will accumulate in your muscles and nervous system until they reach a limit and begin to manifest as distress. Your meltdown are a prime indicator of stress overload. So how do you vent stress. Individuals have five limbs, not four. These are your two arms, your two legs, and your neck. So if you were pounding holes in the wall, my guess it is your arms. If you run away, your legs. If you scream at someone it is in your neck.

So the obvious solution since you yelled at your stepmom, the problem area is in your neck, and you need to vent the stress in this region. How do you vent stress here. The answer is to scream as loud as you can several times.

One needs to vent the stored stress energy in their neck muscles, vocal cords, and jaw. The best way is to scream at the top of your lungs several times. But this must be done in a socially acceptable manner. Never scream at a person. I live in the rural countryside and my dog is a free-range dog. When it is mealtime and my dog is up and about; I call my dog very loudly.

R-o-c-k-y. Come here puppy. R-o-c-k-y.
R-o-c-k-y. Where are you puppy? R-o-c-k-y.
R-o-c-k-y. Come here puppy.

I yell so loud that I can hear my voice being echoed back to me from nearby hills and mountains. My voice carries about a mile. The call is so strong that it borders on a roar. It is a very good feeling. It gives me a sense of great strength, like I could split a mountain in two just with my voice alone. I feel strong to my core. It is a great stress reliever or normalizer. And it is socially acceptable in the countryside.

One might try howling like a wolf at the moon. There is an individual on this site in New York City that howls at the subway cars as they pass by deep down in the subway stations. But there are other ways to scream in a socially acceptable manner. A singer can do this if it is a very powerful song. A barker in the county fair can do this. A fan at a rock concert can sing along at the top of their lungs. Some commuters sing along to the tune on the radio at the top of their lungs while they are driving down the road. A spectator at a sports event can do this in cheering on their team. Even a Girl Scout can practice barking in front of the local grocery store when she sells Girl Scout cookies. Or find yourself a soundproof room.

You have an advantage since you live in the country. You can scream and not arouse the entire neighborhood. Your parents might hear you and voice some concern. Just explain that you are practicing "Scream Therapy" to relieve the stored stress in your neck.

Thanks for the advice. Some of these seem like they would be very good stress relievers.

Actually there are several individuals on this site that practice this technique. One of them is kraftiekortie. He howls at the subway cars in the subway stations. Another person is aghogday. His real name is Fred and he lives up in Chicago. He has a very unusual way of writing. Most people use "right justification" when they write. But aghogday uses "center justification". But because WrongPlanet only uses "Right Justification", the effect is limited. So his writing is not only his words but also the sentences looks like waves. And he also modulates capitalization. So it is difficult to read. He has led a very difficult life and overwhelming stress has debilitated him and cause him to quite his job. After that he stumbled on a technique to resolve stress. He compares it to a spiratual experience. Here are his words:

A Lost Art of Gaining Confident Strength, Overall, is the Human Roar; Sadly, Some
Folks Don't take Advantage of The Natural Animal Instinct to Do this; Studies Show
Humans Can Actually Determine The Overall Strength of Another Human; Particularly, Males With
Roars; But Regular Vocalizations of Emotions are not Much of An Indicator; It's Amazing How Much
More Powerful A Human Roar Will Be too, Once All the Fear is gone; i had no idea that it was Possible to live Without
Fear until i Practiced a Moving Meditation of Mixed Ballet and Martial Arts Public Dance for 13,353 Miles Now in 82
Months; i save the Roars for the Military Gym; And Now my Home Gym, since the Military Gym Closed down for
the Covid-19 Virus; My Wife Says i really do sound like a Mix Between A Gorilla And A Lion; As i do Not Hold
Back; i Find that the Roars Increase my Strength and Additionally Release Endorphins, if i am Experiencing
Any Minor Pains for Repetitive Small Injuries as they do come and go with that Much Mileage of Public
Dance at 60 Years-old, an average of around 166 Miles a month, A Few Less Miles now but Still Plenty
of Avenues to do it. My Goal Was to Live a Life Less Domesticated And Return More to Wild
Innate, Instinctual, Intuitive Ways of Being in Terms of Instincts, Skills And Abilities; Rather
Than Just Knowledge, Skills And Abilities; Living Without Fear is A Truly Amazing Experience
of Life; Human Strength and Potential Increases in Every Way; As Fear Basically Puts that All on
Hold, Always in a Resistance of Life instead of Just Flowing With No Restrictions in Life; Truly the Way
of a River; Water, Wave, Ocean Whole; For Why in the World Would Water, Waves, Or Oceans have to Fear
As All Returns to Calm After Raging Waves of Roars. It's An Art That i Feel And Sense in Reward; No Lessons
Required, For i See With the Faith of Practical Bliss in Life, in Autotelic FloW iN Natural Feedback of Heaven Within.
But Again;
No Lessons;
No Instruction;
No School, Just
Let it all Go And Be Free.

translated:

A lost art of gaining confident strength, overall, is the human roar. Sadly, some folks don't take advantage of the natural animal instinct to do this. Studies show humans can actually determine the overall strength of another human; particularly, males with roars. But regular vocalizations of emotions are not much of an indicator. It's amazing how much more powerful a human roar will be too, once all the fear is gone. I had no idea that it was possible to live without fear until i practiced a moving meditation of mixed ballet and martial arts public dance for 13,353 miles now in 82 months. I save the roars for the military gym; and now my home gym, since the military gym closed down for the Covid-19 virus. My wife says I really do sound like a mix between a gorilla and a lion; as i do not hold back. I find that the roars increase my strength and additionally release endorphins If i am experiencing any minor pains for repetitive small injuries as they do come and go with that much mileage of public dance at 60 years-old, an average of around 166 miles a month, a few less miles now but still plenty of avenues to do it. My goal was to live a life less domesticated and return more to wild innate, instinctual, intuitive ways of being in terms of instincts, skills and abilities. Rather than just knowledge, skills and abilities; living without fear is a truly amazing experience of life; human strength and potential increases in every way. As fear basically puts that all on hold, always in a resistance of life instead of just flowing with no restrictions in life. Truly the way of a river; water, wave, ocean whole; for why in the world would water, waves, or oceans have to fear as all returns to calm after raging waves of roars. It's an art that I feel and sense in reward; no lessons required. For i see with the faith of practical bliss in life, in autotelic flow in natural feedback of heaven within. But again; no lessons, no instruction, no school, just let it all go and be free.

So aghogday has learned this technique and it brought him much relief. It helped him resolve his stress.

There are probably others on this site that have learned this technique.

As for your other problem of not being able to find a job, I would recommend you become a cameleon. Many universities will educate students for a variety of career fields that have no openings. I would find it difficult to believe that there are many jobs available in the environmental science area. That doesn't mean that all hope is lost, but rather there are other career fields that may be related that have openings. I suspect many companies utilize individuals in Occupational Health and Safety Specialist.

I graduated with a degree in Physics. But alas no positions were available upon graduation. But I transformed into an Engineer and worked for 4 decades in this career field before I retired.