Grief

Post Reply New Topic

I lost my mum to cancer a few weeks ago.

Maybe someone else has been through something similar or can help plant a little seed of hope in my currently joyless mind or tell me what helped you.

She was diagnosed at the start of lockdown and sent home to die. My sister and I looked after her at home for 15 weeks during lockdown. We only had contact with medical professionals over the phone till the very end.

There were happy moments but for the most part it was an incredibly insular and intense time, fraught with responsibilities and stresses.

My other relatives seem to be coping better and resuming their lives. They're able to reason their way through with thoughts like,

"she had a good life"

"73 isn't that young"

"it's something that we all have to face"

etc.

I was there on the frontline dealing with the actual death and I found the last 48 hrs visually disturbing and distressing. My dreams were disturbing for a while afterwards. Maybe I'm in shock and that's why I only have 5% my usual energy?

25 days feels like quite a long time to feel flattened. It's taking me longer than my relatives to process and reconcile the events. I literally did 5 minutes washing up and 10 minutes cooking today, apart from that I just flitted between this place and Facebook and didn't move.

I've got a frozen shoulder too, which is a slightly depressing addition, I'm not eating much and I'm drinking 3 beers every night, which obviously doesn't help.

I went for a bicycle ride yesterday, which at least gives the feeling of having done something and it requires only a very little focus.

I'd like to visit my friends in India and play cards under the palm trees, scoot around on my bicycle. There are family friends I would normally visit in Scotland, we could chat about it, I could explore. None of these are options at the moment, so I've got to draw on inner resources to make any change.

I can't imagine turning up at work for a while yet. It's up to me when I start again, that would be a milestone. Maybe in a couple of weeks time. Lying around the place isn't helping, I feel like I'm stagnating.

I am so sorry for your loss domineekee

Sorry ((Dom)) but I have no words to help you. Sorry for your loss

I am sorry to read of your mums passing Domineekee, grief is different for everyone, this is especially true for folk on the Autism spectrum. Whatever way you move through this will be unique to you.

My dad died in an accident, in that sense I wasnt prepared and I was spared watching him suffer through ill health. His last moments haunted me for years though.

It took mea few years to recover, I went back to work too soon, and although everyone said it would be a productive distraction, it wasn't.
My brain wouldn't function properly for ages and I kept making mistakes. I couldnt fully process what had happened for months and then I had a delayed reaction.
Year one was difficult, but year two was even more so. Exercise was a mechanical way of lifting my mood and my pets were a comfort/distraction. For me what helped was being in the moment, so making it from one moment to the next moment, hour to hour and day to day.

There isn't a right or wrong way to grieve, its unique to each person.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

Oh, Dom. I am so sorry for your loss.

(((Dom)))

Grief hurts and just takes time. Frequently the first year is horrid. Getting past the first anniversary usually brings some relief, but as Amity points out, not for everyone.

It must have been terribly difficult for you to care for your mother without physical visits from friends, nurses, other relatives. The changes that a person goes through as she slowly lets go of life are painful for loved ones to watch. It is like shutting down a home to which the person will not return and in that process, the house looks less and less like a home; it becomes strange, empty, echoing.

Be gentle with yourself and treat yourself tenderly. Sleep, lie around, eat what you want, or don't eat. Call or email as much as you can. Understand there are no words and the platitudes others offer are just the best they can do. Try to see the caring behind the platitudes.

It is always too soon, too young, for death to come to those you love.

Thank you Teach, Ferris, Amity

domineekee wrote:

I lost my mum to cancer a few weeks ago.  Maybe someone else has been through something similar or can help plant a little seed of hope in my currently joyless mind or tell me what helped you...

Oh, Domi...



... my mum's been gone for about a year, and I still tear up when I think of her.  She was a good person who passed away while 'only' in her mid-eighties, and that still seems too young.  My heart doesn't ache so much any more.

Life gets better ... slowly, but it does get better.  Hang in there.

I can' say anything because I find it hard to handle situations and know what to say. Hugs.

Dear Dom ... grief is a complex thing. You were on the “frontline”. I’ve had 2 male friends here in the UK lose their Mums due to covid in thr past few months. Young men. One watched his Mother die in front of him at home and he has since been diagnosed with PTSD, and has taken to smoking marijuana due to the effects. I’m in no way saying, smoke marijuana ... this is simply what I know him to be doing. I’ve been surrounded by death most of my life, starting age 5 yrs when I was sitting on my Mother’s lap and she suddenly died from a brain haemmorhage. It haunts you. Can take years to genuinely face. It can cause you to shut yourself off, become someone else, and try to drown it all out.

Time is the key, along with ... when you are good and ready, letting it flow. It’s a rollercoaster of emotion, of anger, of sadness, and sometimes chaos. You can appear untouched by it, but eventually, it does come out. Only once it does come out, can you begin the healing process. I attended a Loss & Grieving Seminar at Uni once, as I was working with children who’d been affected by grief. The Kiebler Ross stages of grief were learned, and honestly, time is the greatest healer.

When you’re ready and you may well not be at all ready as yet ... talk about it ... all of it, or write about it. Type your feelings out daily for your eyes only or online with others ... but get them out, go on a loss and grieving forum, whatever you need. A complete change of scene, being with your friends as you mentioned, would have been good, but meanwhile, try to get yourself out daily on a walk or a ride, however brief. Eventually, you’ll be able to be in beautiful settings, in nature, look at sunsets, sunrises and smile again. Just takes time ... xx

I am so sorry for your loss, Domineekee

Thank you MG and Skilpaddle

I'm so sorry to hear your loss. I know how you are feeling, because my mum has stage 4 cancer and so I've got what you're going through to come. Thanks to the lockdown my mum has been neglected (because apparently COVID-19 is more deadly than stage 4 cancer ). She is only in her 50s so I really should not be even thinking about her death yet. She is very close to me and I feel I emotionally need my mum, even though I have other relatives I still cannot lose my mum. I've always feared losing my mum, and now my worst nightmare is going to happen sooner than expected and I don't want it to happen. I just wish there was a universal cure for cancer so that nobody will ever have to worry about getting cancer.