Not sure if I’m autistic or not

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Hi. I’m a 39 y/o woman and have recently started to suspect that I am on the spectrum. I’m afraid to pursue formal diagnosis because I fear it will be seen by others as me being odd/difficult for the sake of getting attention or creating drama (which I’ve been accused of throughout my life). I mentioned briefly to my husband a few months ago that I thought I might be autistic and he was kind, but just told me it’s my anxiety and me being too hard on myself for things. No one knows I’m doing all this online research and reaching out for support.

I’m currently a SAHM but before that I was a social worker with people with intellectual disabilities and autism for 15 years. I was very good at my job, but struggled with teamwork, socializing at work (I had only one sort-of-friend at work) and accommodating the learning styles of my staff (I was a supervisor to five people).

I’ve felt different all my life and have struggled a lot. I want to put a name to what is “wrong” with me. Is it ASD? Maybe. I’m formally diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and adhd. I suspect ptsd and mild OCD as well. But that doesn’t seem to explain away everything.

I was a weird kid. I was speaking in complete sentences by 18 months and I taught myself to read at age 3. I have clear memories all the way back to age 2. I’m not entirely sure what my IQ is- my parents didn’t like to talk about it - but it got me tested into a school gifted program. I think I heard someone say once it was 138 but it’s likely higher because I remember the IQ test when I was 5 or 6 years old. I knew then I was weird and this whole testing situation was weird and I was afraid the evaluator was thinking I was weird so I pretended I didn’t know some of the answers when I really did.

I didn’t have many friends my age. I liked grownups or older kids. My best friend was a boy. I spent most of my time at preschool alone drawing. I hated “fun” organized kid stuff like sports and summer camp. I mostly didn’t like playing with other kids my age and hated going to other kids houses. I always felt uncomfortable and felt bored with how other kids played. My favorite way to play was to lay out toys and count them off by a designated number (usually 12) and then group them and set them up into scenes or “parades.” I didn’t really play pretend with them. One exception was with my best friend; he and I would pretend to be superheroes and rescue people sometimes.

I preferred solo activities like reading and drawing. My extracurriculars as a young kid were art class, diving, and music lessons - I liked stuff where I only had to interact with the teacher. And I excelled at everything.

I was bullied at school of course. I skipped a grade so I was younger than everyone else on top of it. In 3rd grade I managed to connect with 2 close friends who remained my friends until HS graduation but in hindsight even one of those two did her fair share of bullying. I managed to “fit in” marginally by the time I got to high school by copying my friends way of dressing and interests. I was really into our friendship. When I went to college people would comment that I had a shrine to her on my dorm wall with all the pictures and notes from her hung up. All my friends from high school are still friends with each other but don’t talk to me anymore. I haven’t been able to maintain friendships since then.

Most of my adult friendships and romantic relationships have been based on abuse of some sort or being used. I have a tendency to get involved with people with narcissistic tendencies.

I have extreme anxiety around people. Like, everyone even my family. It’s to a lesser extent with family but even spending too long with my parents or brother leaves me tense and exhausted. And I really really like my parents and brother a lot. I never get close to anyone else so have acquaintances but no friends.

I’ve had a lot of really intense interests over my life but nothing permanent. As a kid I was basically obsessed with horses - drawing them, reading about them, daydreaming about them. I was also very into drawing and reading and would spend hours on both. As I grew up I flitted from one obsession to another - clothing and makeup, the Beatles, running, cooking, electronic music. I discovered substances both legal and otherwise in college and self medicated myself into some semblance of fitting in for a while. I gravitated toward the rave scene in the early 2000s because of the culture of acceptance and the fact that I could feel like I was part of a group while dancing and not really talking to anyone. I have sensory issues (mostly sound and smell) but the sensory overload of a rave never bothered me most of the time for some reason. A lot of toxic relationships came out of that too as one can imagine.

I’m a perfectionist and my grades were flawless straight A’s in elementary school but as I got older and I spent more of my energy trying to fit in, having social anxiety, dealing with hardcore bullying for being “weird” and “ugly” my grades slipped. I continued to be bullied in college and had panic attacks going to class that caused me to skip exams entirely. I graduated in 5 1/2 years by the skin of my teeth. I still regret my wasted potential. The course work wasn’t hard. I could have had a 4.0 and done anything I wanted with my life. Why couldn’t I just suck it up and be normal like everyone else?

Anyway I’m now about to be 40 and I’m still weird I guess but I spend all my time with my husband and kids especially now since covid and I feel okay with them most of the time. I’m on lexapro for my anxiety and depression. I still have occasional panic attacks and depressive episodes but not too keen on more meds. Therapy doesn’t work for me. I can’t seem to open up to a therapist so I just lie and say I have some easily fixable problem like my husband not doing housework or something instead of talking about all my real issues and the therapist “solves” that in a few sessions and then I have nothing to talk about and stop going. I do some fidget stuff like rocking, twirling my fingers, biting/peeling skin. I still read a lot. Right now my obsessive interests are looking up and cataloging recipes, and gardening. I think I get more into TV shows than is normal sometimes. I have some stuff with numbers (like I need to count when I turn on a faucet until I turn it off) and I get bad anxiety when things aren’t orderly in my house which makes me suspect some OCD-ish stuff but I manage. Still wish I had friends but I’ve kind of given up on that. Prior to covid I still tried - getting together with other moms for play dates and stuff, going to church, etc - but omg the energy it took to have conversations was debilitating. I don’t understand how people just like...have friends and talk to each other. Sometimes I listen in to strangers conversations when I’m out in public to see how they do it but it’s like a code I can’t crack. Whatever my issue is, part of me selfishly wants one of my kids to have it too, so there would be at least one other person on the planet who is like me. But maybe that makes me a crappy parent to wish my struggles on them.

Oh and I took that aspie quiz linked somewhere on here on that rdos website and got a 139/200??


Anyway, if you read this far you are a hero. It’s late and I’m rambling and just needed to get a bunch of stuff out that just spins round and round my mind. Maybe I have ASD....or maybe I’m just an unlikeable weirdo person with a hefty dose of anxiety. Insights welcomed.

Welcome to Wrong Planet Crispymama

With the overlap of your other dx's it would be a difficult call to make unless by a specialist in ASD ( others here may see things differently ).

If you want my advice , make ASD your new obsession , stick around , join in , try and find things you relate to then hopefully this will give you a better understanding of yourself.

Welcome,

If you want to stay, I recommend having a look at these threads if you haven't done so already:
viewtopic.php?t=191597#p8581100
viewtopic.php?t=26#p92

Hi there Crispy

I bet that felt cathartic, to let all that out in a place where normality is a wee bit more atypical.

Welcome

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I totally do this too! I can't possibly tell a complete stranger anything meaningful about myself...how could anyone?!?!?

Anyway...welcome to Wrong Planet.

You never have to disclose your diagnosis. (unless you are looking for special work in areas like national security, and even then, it is not part of your employment record, but your security record, even then, it does not disqualify you.)

I received my diagnosis this year at 56. It has actually been a great benefit. I am calmer and my life makes much more sense. I already suspected I had ASD for a couple of years, but someone saying I had ASD made all the difference.

A diagnosis can have other benefits for employment protection.

Welcome

Hi and a very warm welcome to you, crispymama . I was soo like you when younger ... children wanted to befriend and have me play with them, but I’d do anything to avoid them. Similarly, I was reading fluently from the age of 3yrs. Fortunately, I’ve never been bullied, so very sorry for what you’ve experienced. Enjoyed reading your intro! Similarly again, I too worked with autistic children and those presenting with challenging behaviours. I love working in the field, and was self employed in this respect, so was able to run daily programmes that were autism friendly. All 3 of my children(now adults) are on the spectrum and doing very well. My autism went undetected, and my earlier mutism, and “escapism” from school(from 5yrs, I’d run all the way home to escape) was put down to having lost my mother aged 5yrs. I later became a runner and gymnast representing my State as a teenager hehe! Sounds like you have alot going for you and acceptance is key. If a diagnosis benefits you, that’s great. If not, then working with it, not against it, is what matters.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Most of the conditions that you suffer from are stress related. Stress is cumulative in nature and unless properly vented can reach a boiling point. Aspies experience a tremendous amount of stress in their lives. More so than most individuals. So the route to become more normal is to learn techniques to vent the stress.

Stress is chemical in nature. It is a chain of hormones released in your body when you are under stress. These chemicals are stored in your muscles and nervous system unless used up. In general, I would say they are stored in 6 areas: your two arms, your two legs, your neck and your core. It is interesting that you mentioned RAVE. I suspect that this form of dance vents stored stress energy in 5 or those areas. But the problem with RAVE is that it also can add an unhealthy layer of illicit drugs into your system. At least, that is my opinion.

I will recommend a good book that discusses the inner workings of the human mind from a scientific basis.
"In an Unspoken Voice" by Peter A. Levine

Wow. I'm in my early 40s and can completely relate to some of it. We've had different lives, but I've been living with the same diagnosis as you for most of my adult life and struggled with similar midlife issues. I've also worked with developmentally disabled adults for several years, including one autistic guy, who is a litmus test for humanity. I just started considering autism a few months ago, so I'm new here too. Anyways, welcome. There's so much to figure out.

I relate to several things in your post. I'm female, 58, gifted though I hated when the label and high expectations were put on me as a young kid. I skipped from kindergarten to 1st grade after a month. Learned to read at about 3-1/2.

My known diagnoses are ADHD, OCD, panic/agoraphobia, some mild PTSD symptoms, and at times I have had depression. On online ASD tests I score on the cusp between ASD and not-ASD. I have executive function and sensory issues, which could be just the ADHD or who knows... many special obsessive interests too.

I love to do creative things but I struggle with motivation, and am addressing a decades-long tendency toward clutter and hoarding. Trying to become a minimalist someday instead, or at least as close as I can get. Jobs were never easy for me due to my annoying mix of difficulties, and a decade ago I finally went on disability.

This is just a fairly short answer of the ways in which I relate to your post. I'm still wondering what more there may or may not be to learn about my brain and how it interfaces with the world.

You might find this interesting: https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

And, depending upon your IQ, you might find Mensa (https://www.mensa.org/) interesting. The Pandemic is currently slowing things down, but if we ever get past the Pandemic Mensa might be a place to meet "interesting" folk. Don't go in looking for deep conversations about IQ. Mostly it is friendly chit-chat and eating...but you might make some friends. Just as every Aspie is different, so is every Mensan...and every Mensa group...so you might or might not find people you like. (I found the gal I married! )

Just tried this: "Your score was 28 out of a possible 50.
Scores in the 26-32 range indicate some Autistic traits (Asperger's Syndrome)."
I guess that's correct.

Wired magazine's web page has a copy of the test, too. Their code for scoring the test is apparently broken but their web page includes some brief prefatory material which includes this statement:



Apparently twenty percent of those diagnosed with autism or a related disorder scored 31 or lower. I guess your 28 is on the high end of "maybe". It would be interesting to have some kind of curve to look at so you could tell just how "maybe" a 28 was.

(I got a 40. I tend to assume everything I do is suspect and merits a second set of eyes because I've done a lot of computer programming, so I got my bride to take the test on my behalf, answering the questions the way she thought I should've answered them. That got me a 39. )

Sorry. Me again.

I just remembered something that may or may not interest you. When I found out I was "On the Spectrum" two people close to me wondered if they were, too. Both were female. Both were ADHD...strong ADHD. (And despite their suspicions, I don't think either is Autistic.)

While it may have absolutely no bearing on you, I'll mention that in my Internet surfing I have read that the high-end of ADHD overlaps the mild end of Autism. Apparently they have many "symptoms" in common. For a non-medical, amateur self-assessment two traits are reported to differ:
- Variety of interests vs. Narrow interests
- Inability to stick to routine vs. Rigid adherence to routine
It would take a professional to be sure, of course.

That is just some trivia I have picked up. I am very new to the world of Autism and have so very much to learn. I am so clueless I was 64 before I even thought "Am I Autistic?" was a reasonable question for me. It had never occurred to me and I would have denied it. "Reality" had to slap my face with a big fat clue before I even considered it and then I had trouble finding a professional to tell me for sure (I was a little bit older than their average patient).

Oh, whether it's ADHD, or Autism, or BOTH I guess you belong on WP.