Struggling with hating myself for being weird

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cherryglitter
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01 Sep 2020, 7:48 pm

My favorite science teacher always told me, "it's cool to be different" and let me know that it's okay. But is it really? I'm writing this in the middle of an emotional breakdown, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I'm at such an emotionally low point these last few weeks because at 26 years old, I still haven't established a solid definition of "normal" when it comes to society, my peers and pop culture. I grew up with dark, mystical, fantasy, supernatural content. I'm one of those people who give off "witchy" vibes. I started listening to My Chemical Romance before I started middle school. I've been in the Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Vampire Diaries etc. fandoms. All of this was normal to me. What's great about the internet is that you can find and connect with others "like you", who share your interests. And I did for a while, but times have changed. Now, everything's been flipped upside down with purity culture. Are we, as a society, regressing to Puritanism? Is "dark" content considered off-limits now? I'm finding that people who are into the same things I am are dying out and becoming harder to find, unless that's become morally not kosher and I didn't get the memo. I resent purity policing and cancel culture because of how much it's changed things and it's almost like I'm experiencing culture shock. We have censorship, fierce and cutthroat social justice and it's so difficult to discern what's okay and what's not anymore. I expressed this to my mother, who knows I'm on the spectrum but it still behooves her that I don't act or function the way she thinks I ought to and my neurodivergence annoys her so she has little compassion to spare and I don't know why I bother. I should just give up and stop trying to get her to understand me because if she hasn't for 26 years, she never will. But I feel like I can't connect with any of my peers. Older adults, absolutely, but if I try vibing with people my own age, I'm the odd one out and ostracized or shunned and it's obvious but I feel like there's this unspoken secret to the universe that people are consciously not letting me in on and it's so distressing and even crushing and hurtful. I thought I didn't care what people think and loved myself, always did my own thing but is it my interests that are too eccentric and stupid? Does nobody care about the things that I like? I thought it was easier to make friends and socialize on the internet because it's much more vast and surely there are fandom communities like stan twitter etc., and I spent the last several years of my life RPing on Tumblr but now I can't even get people to write with me and my friends are ghosting me for no reason and it feels like I'm being punished for having done something wrong and I can't figure it out or "guess". I've never done well with the silent treatment. Is it me? Am I simply too weird? And if that's the case, I hate it because I can't change no matter how hard I try. I've gone through the whole masking deal in high school, faked several identities and bounced from clique to clique craving some sense of belonging even with the most toxic teens who were never my friends, dressed in their clothes and listened to their music even though it wasn't me and I didn't like it just to see if things would change and that never worked out, so I'm exhausted and stopped trying to "be normal" a long time ago. They still sense my neurodivergence and react to me like I'm gross or have some disease, and now it's even on the internet where I can truly be myself and that's extra insulting. It just hurts wondering if I'm so far removed from what's considered socially acceptable in ways that I can't help and I'm just so sad because of it. All I want to do is cry.

What kinds of interests are considered "normal"? I like bands (mostly 80's rock), Stranger Things, Supernatural, mythology, ancient history and art, poetry and fashion. I don't like TikToks or KPop or whatever else people are consuming, but just how "weird" am I? I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of it and not being able to connect with my peers because I'm different. I know that's inevitable when I have Asperger's, but I'm just... so sad and heartbroken over it. I just feel like sobbing my eyes out. Does anyone else ever break down and get this way?



Jakki
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01 Sep 2020, 8:48 pm

A hug is offered.


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jimmy m
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01 Sep 2020, 9:38 pm

I am not too sure I can offer any meaningful advise. BUT, I will give it a go.

There are two types of people in this world. They are introverts and extroverts. Introverts recharge their bodies by finding solitude alone (for example playing video games). Extroverts recharge their bodies by being in a group. Their conversations bounce from one person to the next and with each conversation they recharge their bodies. They love parties.

Now the interesting thing is that around 50 percent of the people in the world are introverts and the other 50 percent are extroverts. Introverts have very few friends whereas extroverts are social beast.

Most Aspies are introverts. Some Aspies mask, mirror the image of others in order to blend in. But as they get older masking becomes more difficult.

In general, you may find it easier to develop friendships with other Aspies or with other introverts. The problem is where do you find them. They generally hate parties or social gathering.

My general advise is to be yourself. Drop your mask and just be you.

I also feel that if an Aspie develops properly they can become a non-conformist. And in my opinion that is a very good thing to be. Most people are conformist, they blend into society. They are like sheep. They do not own themselves.
---------------------------------
These are some quotes about non-conformists:

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. – Rob Siltanen: Apple, "Think Different" campaign

It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed. - Albert Einstein

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain

Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road. - Voltaire

Not all those who wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A "normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray." - Alan Sherman

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche

The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain. - Colin Wilson

Freedom began on the day the first sheep wandered away from the herd. ― Marty Rubin


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01 Sep 2020, 10:52 pm

cherryglitter wrote:
My favorite science teacher always told me, "it's cool to be different" and let me know that it's okay. But is it really? I'm writing this in the middle of an emotional breakdown, but I'm not so sure anymore.


One thing I wish I learned earlier is that everyone is different and that no one cares or has a problem with it. People who try to be like everyone else are dull and boring. People do have a problem with odd behavior but it's mostly mental problems making people uncomfortable and not autistic traits or anything genetic that people dislike. After I overcame my emotional problems (anxiety, low self-esteem, being too sensitive, getting upset easily, abnormal facial expressions and body language, emotional stims, and missing social cues due to stress) I found that most people like me and act comfortable around me now despite still having the same autistic traits I've always had.



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04 Sep 2020, 5:24 pm

jimmy m wrote:
I am not too sure I can offer any meaningful advise. BUT, I will give it a go.

There are two types of people in this world. They are introverts and extroverts. Introverts recharge their bodies by finding solitude alone (for example playing video games). Extroverts recharge their bodies by being in a group. Their conversations bounce from one person to the next and with each conversation they recharge their bodies. They love parties.

Now the interesting thing is that around 50 percent of the people in the world are introverts and the other 50 percent are extroverts. Introverts have very few friends whereas extroverts are social beast.

Most Aspies are introverts. Some Aspies mask, mirror the image of others in order to blend in. But as they get older masking becomes more difficult.

In general, you may find it easier to develop friendships with other Aspies or with other introverts. The problem is where do you find them. They generally hate parties or social gathering.

My general advise is to be yourself. Drop your mask and just be you.


^this

I would add, however, that if masking means being polite and non-offensive, then by all means, MASK!

Fake it til you make it. At some point the dividing line between the mask and self blurs... if you are rude to people, you can excuse it away with your label all you like, but they will still hate you just the same. The most important thing to me is not be rude to people, get along, because ultimately I want to go through life with minimum friction... and just pass into the pipes without anyone noticing.


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kraftiekortie
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04 Sep 2020, 5:43 pm

^Great advice.

I’m weird. Everybody knows I’m weird. But I don’t care what people think of me because they are not paying my maintenance charges for my co-op. I rely on myself.

And even if they were.....there’s such a thing as respect.



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06 Sep 2020, 6:30 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
^Great advice.

I’m weird. Everybody knows I’m weird. But I don’t care what people think of me because they are not paying my maintenance charges for my co-op. I rely on myself.

And even if they were.....there’s such a thing as respect.


The definition gives negative connotations.
More often, I've heard geeky, goofy being applied to me. Meaning socially awkward.
That sort of thing used to bother me, now I'm older, could give a rat's ...


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06 Sep 2020, 9:07 pm

Mixed masking messages , you gotta be good at it


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09 Sep 2020, 11:55 am

I hate being me sometimes because of the things that offend me but aren't typically considered offensive to most people.


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09 Sep 2020, 4:21 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I hate being me sometimes because of the things that offend me but aren't typically considered offensive to most people.


Like?


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09 Sep 2020, 5:43 pm

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
I hate being me sometimes because of the things that offend me but aren't typically considered offensive to most people.


Like?


Like people going "sshh" to me. I just feel upset and angry whenever people do that. For one thing the "sshh..." sound is just cringing, and another thing is it just offends me - I'd rather be told to shut up! True story.
Some people use "sshh" more than others. I find it awkward to express that it offends me, because it isn't that offensive to sshh someone in the right situations like if they're trying to listen to something. Some people sshh for weird reasons like say if you're telling a funny joke and they say "sshh" because you're so funny that you're making them laugh or something.

And I especially hated being told to sshh when I was having a meltdown! Telling an autistic person who is having a meltdown, "sshh, I'm watching Eastenders" will NOT make us go, "oops, sorry, I will have a meltdown later when Eastenders is finished."

I wish people only used sshh to soothe a crying baby or a child.


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09 Sep 2020, 5:52 pm

Judge Judy says Ssshush in a very annoying tone. And she’s condescending as hell.

I know what you mean, Joe.



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10 Sep 2020, 3:16 am

Joe90 wrote:
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
I hate being me sometimes because of the things that offend me but aren't typically considered offensive to most people.


Like?


Like people going "sshh" to me. I just feel upset and angry whenever people do that. For one thing the "sshh..." sound is just cringing, and another thing is it just offends me - I'd rather be told to shut up! True story.
Some people use "sshh" more than others. I find it awkward to express that it offends me, because it isn't that offensive to sshh someone in the right situations like if they're trying to listen to something. Some people sshh for weird reasons like say if you're telling a funny joke and they say "sshh" because you're so funny that you're making them laugh or something.

And I especially hated being told to sshh when I was having a meltdown! Telling an autistic person who is having a meltdown, "sshh, I'm watching Eastenders" will NOT make us go, "oops, sorry, I will have a meltdown later when Eastenders is finished."

I wish people only used sshh to soothe a crying baby or a child.


I don't shh anyone because I think most people do find it rude, even NTs. It may be someone uses shh as a last resort because they really can't think how else to respond or lack the energy/patience. It takes a lot of energy to deal with someone else's meltdown, you are asking a lot out them, that's a big check to cash. People just don't sign up in life to deal with someone else's problems. I always assume that no one cares, that's a good basis to start with and never too far from reality.

When I was young, a kid, had meltdowns more often, and older people accept that sort of thing in a young person, but as you get older, consequences get steeper. There are headlines in the news today about this very topic. Emotions can be dangerous things, they don't deserve to be in the driver's seat.


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10 Sep 2020, 5:55 am

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
I hate being me sometimes because of the things that offend me but aren't typically considered offensive to most people.


Like?


Like people going "sshh" to me. I just feel upset and angry whenever people do that. For one thing the "sshh..." sound is just cringing, and another thing is it just offends me - I'd rather be told to shut up! True story.
Some people use "sshh" more than others. I find it awkward to express that it offends me, because it isn't that offensive to sshh someone in the right situations like if they're trying to listen to something. Some people sshh for weird reasons like say if you're telling a funny joke and they say "sshh" because you're so funny that you're making them laugh or something.

And I especially hated being told to sshh when I was having a meltdown! Telling an autistic person who is having a meltdown, "sshh, I'm watching Eastenders" will NOT make us go, "oops, sorry, I will have a meltdown later when Eastenders is finished."

I wish people only used sshh to soothe a crying baby or a child.


I don't shh anyone because I think most people do find it rude, even NTs. It may be someone uses shh as a last resort because they really can't think how else to respond or lack the energy/patience. It takes a lot of energy to deal with someone else's meltdown, you are asking a lot out them, that's a big check to cash. People just don't sign up in life to deal with someone else's problems. I always assume that no one cares, that's a good basis to start with and never too far from reality.

When I was young, a kid, had meltdowns more often, and older people accept that sort of thing in a young person, but as you get older, consequences get steeper. There are headlines in the news today about this very topic. Emotions can be dangerous things, they don't deserve to be in the driver's seat.


I don't have uncontrollable meltdowns any more but I did when I was younger. But this isn't just about meltdowns anyway. I hate being told to sshh whatever the situation is.
My boyfriend uses sshh a lot. He's NT but is ironically more reserved than me and enjoys listening to things like the TV or car radio. Even if it's just for background noise, I still have to remember not to talk if a radio or TV is on (unless he speaks first), because there is a risk of being sshh'd.

I never use sshh. If someone is talking and I want to listen to something, I either just miss it, or I say politely, "hang on, I want to listen" or "wait a minute" in a tone which means that I am listening to something.
The use of sshh reminds me of being a child, where you'd go sshh to each other if you're playing hiding games or if you're doing or saying something that you don't wish your parents to hear, or if you're in a noisy classroom and the teacher goes ssssshhhh to stop everyone talking. That's different.
I have told my boyfriend that I dislike people sshhing me but he often forgets, which is what makes me think that being sshh'd shouldn't be a big deal but it just is to me because I think differently I suppose.


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11 Sep 2020, 11:31 am

Joe90 wrote:
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
I hate being me sometimes because of the things that offend me but aren't typically considered offensive to most people.


Like?


Like people going "sshh" to me. I just feel upset and angry whenever people do that. For one thing the "sshh..." sound is just cringing, and another thing is it just offends me - I'd rather be told to shut up! True story.
Some people use "sshh" more than others. I find it awkward to express that it offends me, because it isn't that offensive to sshh someone in the right situations like if they're trying to listen to something. Some people sshh for weird reasons like say if you're telling a funny joke and they say "sshh" because you're so funny that you're making them laugh or something.

And I especially hated being told to sshh when I was having a meltdown! Telling an autistic person who is having a meltdown, "sshh, I'm watching Eastenders" will NOT make us go, "oops, sorry, I will have a meltdown later when Eastenders is finished."

I wish people only used sshh to soothe a crying baby or a child.


I don't shh anyone because I think most people do find it rude, even NTs. It may be someone uses shh as a last resort because they really can't think how else to respond or lack the energy/patience. It takes a lot of energy to deal with someone else's meltdown, you are asking a lot out them, that's a big check to cash. People just don't sign up in life to deal with someone else's problems. I always assume that no one cares, that's a good basis to start with and never too far from reality.

When I was young, a kid, had meltdowns more often, and older people accept that sort of thing in a young person, but as you get older, consequences get steeper. There are headlines in the news today about this very topic. Emotions can be dangerous things, they don't deserve to be in the driver's seat.


I don't have uncontrollable meltdowns any more but I did when I was younger. But this isn't just about meltdowns anyway. I hate being told to sshh whatever the situation is.
My boyfriend uses sshh a lot. He's NT but is ironically more reserved than me and enjoys listening to things like the TV or car radio. Even if it's just for background noise, I still have to remember not to talk if a radio or TV is on (unless he speaks first), because there is a risk of being sshh'd.

I never use sshh. If someone is talking and I want to listen to something, I either just miss it, or I say politely, "hang on, I want to listen" or "wait a minute" in a tone which means that I am listening to something.
The use of sshh reminds me of being a child, where you'd go sshh to each other if you're playing hiding games or if you're doing or saying something that you don't wish your parents to hear, or if you're in a noisy classroom and the teacher goes ssssshhhh to stop everyone talking. That's different.
I have told my boyfriend that I dislike people sshhing me but he often forgets, which is what makes me think that being sshh'd shouldn't be a big deal but it just is to me because I think differently I suppose.


That clarifies the situation a bit more. There are two ways to look at what you just told me. One is, rude boyfriend, but I don't accept that automatically. Alternative take is, you are interupting his show or whatever it is he is interested in. Yet another is a mixture of both. What I don't think is that you're being oversensitive. You're hurt b/c you care what he thinks of you, that is all. He doesn't mean to hurt you, mainly he wants to keep watching his show and not get interrupted and is not sure how to go about it.

I remember back when I was still with my husband, he did the same thing when I was watching a show. He would come up and want to talk about something completely unrelated to the show. But then he was the exact same way. He would shh me when he was reading, watching a show or typing online to his Facebook friends. Maybe this is a symptom of a bad relationship?

Or, maybe human beings just need to give each other space sometimes. I know my cat does not like to be around me 24/7 and vice versa, I need time away from my cat. Sometimes in relationships, people don't understand the need for space. They expect attention all the time or for it to be on tap whenever they want it. Well, that is not how relationships work in my experience.


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11 Sep 2020, 11:54 am

I don't know that its cool to be different. I think its more relaxing to be okay with it and embrace your weirdness. We all spend so much of our lives playing roles. I mean if you look at Sartre on Authenticity it seems the authentic life is the happy and true life, and the one that doesn't go wrong so much.
I try to follow Sartre.