I Feel Lonely At The Moment.

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Somehow I can be in crowds of people that know me and yet feel lonely.

I am glad my Mum is here. She is my best friend as well as being my Mum.

Some people I connect with and are friends with, and I really value. But sometimes I still feel alone.

It is in these times that I know that God is here for me.

It puzzles me how some people can be popular. How they seem to have lots of friends and do not feel lonely at all!

I do have friends. Keeping friends can be difficult. The few friends I have are gems... But ones that stay friendly for a long period of time are only one... Maybe two?

My grandmother would write and keep in touch with lots of people. She felt lonely.

I am trying to fathom out why I can feel lonely when there are people around... And why others seem to find and maintain friends and only feel lonely when they are genuinely alone?

My youngest brother puzzles me. He seems to attract people like a magnet. I find this wierd because he does not exactly always treat people well (I am not saying this to be nasty. He is my brother. I want the best for him. I worry about him and his wife).

My Dad was like my brother in that he could knock on the door on a complete strangers house and start a conversation and within no time he would be invited in as if he was a member of their family! I would marvel and puzzle how he did that. I could not do that! It was all I could do to have enough courage to knock on the door let alone be invited in.
I just don't know how my Dad could do it! I could not see anything with his appearance which made him attractive to people. He was rarely clean shaven (Usually a little stubble), he smelt of smoke as he smoked, he was almost always in work clothes which were plastered with marks of mastic or glue or paint (He was a carpenter) even though the clothes themselves were not dirty but even if they were, it dis not seem to matter. He would be invited in, and be given almost royal treatment with their best cups when they offered him a cup of tea, and he would be invited into the front room (In Wales there was a system in town houses where they lived in their back room, they had a middle room for guests and a front room for very special guests which was kept immaculate and was rarely ever used). How did he do it? Not even posh businessmen in immaculate suits would make it into the front room! If I had knocked on the door I would be kept on the front doorstep.

But anyway. My point is that some people have something that attrcts other people to them, and I don't have it whatever it is.

Puzzling isn't it! Haha! Oh I may never get to work this one out!

I understand this feeling pretty well - I don't maintain friendships very well but I kind of figure that's on me for the most part, as I'm relatively antisocial; the few friendships I've maintained are with people who understand that I am that way (antisocial, kind but not eager to constantly be around), but it also means our friendship is a very distant sort of thing. Of the people I consider my friends, we speak maybe a few times a year, except for my best friend, who I am very lucky currently lives in the same general area as me (she moved back here after marrying in another state, and her husband, who is on the spectrum, is someone I consider a friend as well).

Anyhow! I still end up occasionally feeling quite lonely as I'm aware that no matter what I do I don't form close friendships with people, but then baffled by my feelings because I know I personally don't put enough into maintaining? Socializing, even virtually, can be a mental and emotional strain for me. I think I feel the loneliest when I hear about friends I've had who do much more with other people than they ever did with me. Am I just really unexciting? Un-enjoyable to be around? I don't know...

But my brother is *super* charismatic. Even if he can sometimes be rude to my family or just generally moody for a period of time, as soon as other people are around it's like he can flip a switch. A *lot* of people like him and compliment my parents on how nice or cool he is. I end up feeling kind of embittered by this (although generally can laugh it off) as I don't possess the same talent. I am [me], generally regardless of the company I'm around. Even when I try to tell myself to behave a certain way in certain situations, I can't help but return to my default settings. I think because I can't 'fake' charm or charisma, this probably differentiates me from people who can have loads of friends because they are able to do so. I'm just irrevocably myself, warts and all haha. I'm not necessarily even criticizing people who can do this, it's just not in my abilities.

I don't believe that a day has gone by since I was ten or eleven years old that, at least for part of the day [even briefly], that I don't feel lonely. I was [and still am] an only child, I only had any sort of positive father figure for a few years while growing up [don't even get me started on my biological father, that's a long story with a lot of sighs], and I've never really had a best friend. I can be friendly with just about anyone, so I've had several close friends off and on over the years. Three are still in my life, being the only three who hadn't either given me several understandably good reasons to eject from my life [we're talking drug addiction/alcoholism, dangerous mental illnesses, stealing from me, spreading false rumors about me/including me in elaborate lies, trying too hard to forge an unwanted romantic relationship with me, etc. I'm not petty about why this happens], or having not had time or a need to have me as a friend [more on this to come].

I've been called a great friend by most people who've tried to get to know me. I'm a very good host; I cook well, I keep my place clean, I am an excellent mixologist; I'm very compassionate and empathetic and non-judgmental [also quite modest], I have a good sense of humor [as you might have noticed]. I enjoy gifting and sending cards for birthdays and holidays. Sometimes people mistake my easygoing good nature for naivete, and attempt to take advantage of me, but after 36 years I know the many angles. I have literally answered the phone in the middle of the night and gone to a friend to help them/give them a lift for an emergency/console them in crisis/let them stay at my place for a bit, etc. for more times than I can presently remember [I stopped reminiscing after eight such occasions in my memory] and believe me, it is HARD to find a friend with one or two of these qualities, much less all of them. For at least 20 years, I have wished for more friends like me in my life, but I have three of them leastways, one of them even quite close to me, and the others also call me if they haven't heard from me in awhile, or call me back if they miss a call from me. And in spite of the rest of my family [only one of whom I speak with anymore, I was the only one making an effort to connect and got tired of the way they treated me and spoke about me behind my back] my mother is my rock. She literally made me the person I am today, and I still aspire to be as hardworking, tolerant, and as good a person as she is.

I've come to learn over the years that the biggest part of the reason I do turn away friends for not making an iota the time or effort as I do in friendships is quite simply because when I listen to them, get to know them, and become a part of their life; while they don't listen to me, know anything about me at all, and never call or visit or write me back isn't so much that I resent them for "keeping it casual" as it is that being around such people makes me feel even more lonely [even whilst being present with them or talking with them over the phone] than I do when I am quite literally feeling lonely all by myself. It's honestly the very same reason I've ended the romantic relationships I've had. You can't be friends with anyone or fall in love with someone when they make you feel even worse than you do when you're alone. For me, having people around doesn't necessarily make me feel less lonely [though oftentimes it does], and sometimes [not always] the solution to my loneliness isn't found by being around other people. I try sometimes to "keep it casual" myself, but if the only reason a friend and I ever speak or get together somewhere is because I call them every month or so, and I drive out to see them; they never call, they never drive near me; I just don't want to make the time and effort anymore, I have daily activities/work/etc. in my own life to keep me busy without acquaintances, to say nothing of my mother, my real friends, and my pets.

To paraphrase a wiser man than I [Bob Marley], everybody's gonna make you suffer, you just have to find the ones worth suffering for.

P.S. Mountain Goat, feel free to drop me a line via snail mail if you wish to do so. I'll PM you my address, I always keep cards and correspondence materials on hand [I'm old school like that].

Never had a problem making friends until I turned 30. Then my social life came to a grinding halt. Even when I had friends... even when I had a best friend, I still felt alone.

I believe what we are looking for is more of a soul connection. And I never had that. I just had people to hang out with. I never felt like I shared a deep bond with anyone.

That’s what I want. A soul mate.

Thanks DPS. I will write.

That could be it with me as well. Uhmm. You have got me thinking. Is it friendship of a soulmate I am needing?

I am happier today. It is wierd as interpreting feelings as in this case I am asking "Just what am I feeling when I say I feel lonely?"
Sometimes it takes some thought before I know as I may have feelings but refining the feelings so I know exactly what they mean can be difficult.

Oh.. It gets me on the "Sympathy/apathy" thing where I did not know the difference between the two though I am apathetic and sympathetic. Hang on. Something does not sound right... They were two words that to me mean the same thing but are different to other people.

I'm pretty sure a soul mate friendship connection would be plenty satisfying. I could go for that. What would really be cool is if I found a soul mate that I thought of as a friend but also a romantic partner. The best of both worlds kind of thing.

That would be nice. That would be more then ideal.

Ooh. I knew something was up. Sympathy/apathy should be sympathy/empathy in my post above.

I am thinking about soul mate. That is someone one falls deeply in love with. Such a person would naturally be ones best friend as well? Yes? Or have I missed something?
I mean, if one has fallen deeply in love with someone and they have as well, then they will also be best friends as well as soul mates as how would it work without being the two together?

Lol good point. Yes I guess if you had met a soul mate you would be friends as well as lovers. But I wonder if it’s possible to meet just a soul mate-friend. (Someone you share a deep bond with but are not lovers.) Like I had a best friend but I’m pretty sure we weren’t soul mate-friends. But if I did not meet a soul mate that was a friend as well as a lover, I would at least want to meet a soul mate-friend. Surely they exist.

Sorry. I am confusssed! Haha!

I thought a soul mate was someone one was either married to or nearly married to (As in engaged?)

Yes that’s probably what the term means. I’m just hoping as well that there is such a thing as a soul mate-friend.

Isn’t it like 2:30am where you live?

Yes. Hence why I fell asleep before I saw your reply! Haha. Oops.

Do you mean best friend?

Hey buddy

Hello.