I wanted to kill myself yesterday

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It started when I was watching the Cubs-Marlins game. A Marlins hitter hit a home run to give them a 3-1 lead. I yelled out loud "goddamnit". My dad, who was in the basement, berated me like I was a 7 year old who punched another kid on the playground. He came upstairs to chew me out some more and we just yelled at each other. He talked as if me just saying that was totally wrong This happens so much with the Cubs; He doesn't let whatever happens with them affect his day and doesn't act passionate about them, not as much as me, who gets excited for big games and when something happens that irks me, I'll often times get mad at Cubs players over this. If I had yelled "goddamnit" at a Buffalo Wild Wings or something I would be fine. It's a real shame because baseball is a staple in father-son relationships.

My dad told me to get out, and I didn't want to be there either. This was just a half hour before I was supposed to go to work and I decided that I didn't want to show up a sobbing, emotional wreck. In the moments after I left the house I was having thoughts of suicide because I had once again flipped out. The truth is that just a couple hours before this happened, my dad told me that he was going to get laid off because of COVID. He had been working for the same company since before I was born. I did feel really bad for him at first and I did have it on my mind that this was why he was so mad at me, but he also said that he would be fine and stuff and him being a jerk to me had caught me off guard. And I have never handled being berated well. It drastically lowers my self esteem.

Every time something like this happens, I have doubts about whether I can function as a normal person in society. One who can find a spouse and have kids and have a successful job.

After I left the house, I went to my grandparents house, feeling like I don't want to live with my dad anymore. I hung out there for 4 and a half hours or so until my dad asked me to come home. I did, but I've been avoiding him and plan to do so until I'm comfortable talking to him. I also had to talk myself out of going to work last night, although it was really tough to explain things other than that I was having a really hard time. It would be embarrasing to tell them that I called off of work because of an argument I had with a family member and that I have emotional and mental health issues. My mom did tell me how unethical it is to call off work last minute, but she also said that this happens a lot and that she understood why I did what I did.

That's all I have to say for now. I hate that this is part of my life story.

1. Your Dad has his own issues, he is worried and on edge, he is losing his job.
2. He over-reacted.
3. Go to work. Staying home to try to recover after a meltdown or problems is never as noble or helpful as going to work. My colleagues are supportive and so work becomes therapy.
Your issues are not important in the scheme of things right now, your Dad is in his own private Hell right now. Hug him, and be kind to him.
Be an egoist : You should not care what other people think of you or in general. But you clearly love your Dad or you wouldn't have melt down. Give him some time.
Of course you can be a normal person and hold down a job. I do. And if I can practically anyone can. lol

Don't dwell, try to enjoy your day.

I've experienced this sort of thing myself.

My opinion: you shouldn't have called off work. That's part of handling well being in society----the ability to not let your home life affect your work life. If you are able to work this out, you will be successful, I feel. This sort of thing was very important in me being somewhat successful.

And I believe you have the capacity to do this.

Your dad sounds like a prideful man who lets actions speak for him, rather than words. He told you to come home. I doubt he will apologize because it's a "pride thing." Maybe a "toxic male" thing. He was definitely a jerk. He took his troubles out on you.

But do come home. And try not to avoid your dad. You have to stand up to him. You can't let him push you around.

I know how you feel, I believe, because I had the same sort of thing with my mother. She would berate me. I would storm out of the house. She would tell me to come home. She would never apologize, but she would act like nothing happened.

Sometimes, "acting like nothing happened" works. Sometimes, it doesn't.

By far the most of us have off days and incidents that we regret afterwards, but calm down quickly. We tend to be very emotional and not able to hide it whether it be anger, grief/ sadness or happiness/excitement. I'm truly sorry that happened and trust you can move on and that both you and your dad can feel better. He has to process the impact of this retrenchment from a place he's been at so long and that's really tough. Millions of folk throughout the world hate what this stupid Covid virus has done to disrupt our lives. I'm sure you can support each other through this tough time. The best is to move on without mentioning the incident again.

None of us like being berated or criticized; I've had my fair share which is why I tend to avoid any possible conflict situations with my own folks when I visit.

Sport is like watching a quiz show. Sometimes we know what the player/s should have done, in the same way we might know the answer to a simple question that a quiz player gets wrong. When any sport team loses, or players in the case of sports such as tennis, their supporters can get very emotional when they make potentially costly mistakes.

sorry your Cubs lost -- I totally get yelling at the tv.

Yeah...I used to throw stuff at the TV when the Knicks did something stupid.

And I used to throw heavy tantrums if I got a gutterball in the bowling alley. I was kicked out of more than one bowling alley. I wasn't too kind to the equipment.....let me put it that way!

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your Dad does love you. He is also under stress and is worried. It is why he over reacted. All will be ok. And I hope your Dad will get the job of his dreams!

I've been on my job almost 40 years. If I was laid-off all of a sudden, I would be upset. My world would be shot. But I would make a sincere, concerted effort not to take it out on anybody else. It's not anybody else's fault that I was laid-off. It's that damn COVID thing!

It would be unethical to hold it against him not going to work but my employer would honestly just say to me.
'Ben, if you aren't coping, come to work and we will help you cope. We still need you.'
There is a middle ground and although meltdowns have made me feel very vulnerable over the years the one thing I can promise is as jobs get better, the ethical treatment improves and you become accepted as talented but flawed like all of us.

Update: My dad and I talked it out a bit yesterday. He said that he does want me to be able to be myself here. It turns out that he was on a work call when he berated me on wednesday. Sounds like my mom and dad(who have been divorced for 11 years, FYI)have talked a bit about how things can be better for him and I. My dad and I have argued over a lot of other things before which has made me a bit uncomfortable at times and I've even had thoughts that maybe living with my mom might be a better fit. However, I hope that we can have a thorough discussion about it all at some point so that we can have a mutual understanding and that him and I can have a decent relationship going forward despite our differences.

I believe you can. If he was on a work call that explains it. I'm glad you've talked it over a bit and can accommodate one another's differences.

Good update . I hope things continue to go well.