Page 1 of 2 [ 17 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

civil4life
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 22 Aug 2019
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 12

22 Oct 2020, 11:10 pm

First I am not sure if this would be better in the Social Skills or here. I chose here. Let me know if it is not the best.

For the vast majority of my life I have not felt comfort or connection with hugs. Neither giving nor receiving. I have explored this many times in therapy. I do not think it is related to the physical act of hugging. I realized that in the past the few times I have felt comfort and connection has been when someone placed their hand on the center of my mid to upper back, including patting or rubbing a little.

I know how to appropriately decline a hug, but how would I ask someone for a hand on my back? It sounds really awkward. Even asking for a hand around the shoulder sounds a little less weird.

Any ideas would be appreciated.



jimmy m
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jun 2018
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,695
Location: Indiana

22 Oct 2020, 11:15 pm

I don't know. Perhaps ask for a back massage or a back/shoulder rub.


_________________
Author of Practical Preparations for a Coronavirus Pandemic.
A very unique plan. As Dr. Paul Thompson wrote, "This is the very best paper on the virus I have ever seen."


idntonkw
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 29 Apr 2020
Age: 33
Posts: 274
Location: Boston

22 Oct 2020, 11:28 pm

get a bf



Pepe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jun 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,162
Location: Australia

23 Oct 2020, 2:38 am

civil4life wrote:
First I am not sure if this would be better in the Social Skills or here. I chose here. Let me know if it is not the best.

For the vast majority of my life I have not felt comfort or connection with hugs. Neither giving nor receiving. I have explored this many times in therapy. I do not think it is related to the physical act of hugging. I realized that in the past the few times I have felt comfort and connection has been when someone placed their hand on the center of my mid to upper back, including patting or rubbing a little.

I know how to appropriately decline a hug, but how would I ask someone for a hand on my back? It sounds really awkward. Even asking for a hand around the shoulder sounds a little less weird.

Any ideas would be appreciated.


I don't know how practical it might be, but tell people you aren't into traditional hugs, but like the idea of being pat on the back?
If appropriate, you could even do it to them to show them what you mean?

<virtual pat on small of your back>
How is that? :scratch:

My turn. :mrgreen:


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,




Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,893
Location: Wales,UK Relationship: Single Interests: Trains AgeGroup: 40's FavouriteColor: Green Music: CyndiLauper

23 Oct 2020, 4:21 am

I understand because I am not too comfortable with them. As a chile I felt hemmed in and claustrophobic. I still do as an adult. It is common to give hugs when meeting other Christians and I am embarissed to say when someome hummed me I pulled a funny face. I could not help it! And others saw the funny face I pulled! No one said anything but... Uhmmm.

Yet boyfriend to girlfriend hugs are different? Ok. As long as I know the hug is heading my way!

And also I can hug others if I am ready to hug. It is more the unexpected hugs that can catch me out or if I have to hug when I am not ready for it.

When I was a child I haaaated hugs! My Grandmother (My Dads Mum) always wanted to hug me and she would hold the hug for ages (Or it seemed like ages) and I would panic as I could not breathe as I felt claustrophobic!
In a similar way I hated wearing those parker type coats. Claustrophobic!
And here in Wales I was expected to play rugby regurlarly in school as it is our national sport, and yet I was only any good in the scrum as I would panic and if I pushed while panicking where due to cycling I had strong leg muscles anyway, I could push a whole scrum back by myself, but I would be in panic if the scrum collapsed. I was not fast enough for wing. But I hated and panicked if anyone was on top of me. So the scrum I hated! Yet as my Dad was quite a well known local rugby player who only did not play for what was then the number one rugby team in Wales called the Scarlets because he had gaulstones ad then got married, and had a job as a carpenter instead (Rugby pay was pretty poor in those days. 10 years later one had celebrity pay). He was fast and played on the wing. He was thin but he could run with speed and had big hands so they called him "Shovels".
But i was expected to be like him. I wasn't! If had the ball and saw the other team run at me I would throw the ball up and run the other way! Haha! (Much to the amusement of those who saw me! It was funny!) I panicked to think the other players would jump on top of me as I was soo claustrophobic!


_________________
Awaiting asessment. Neurodiverse 173/200. Neurotypical 21/200. Empathy 11/80. AQ 39. https://everything2.com/user/Zifendorf/ ... s/shutdown

Buton A Button B


civil4life
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 22 Aug 2019
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 12

23 Oct 2020, 2:09 pm

Thanks so far.
I like the idea about showing what I mean.

I am asexual and aromantic, so the BF or GF thing is out of the question.

Like I said I am neutral to hugs.

I grew up in an emotionally abusive family that included never talked about feelings. As an adult I had to learn how to do all of that, which I have become pretty good at.

Like anyone else I want to feel I belong and have a few close connections to others. I know that is what is supportive for me. I guess when I am in a closer relationship that type of question would not seem as awkward.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 29,803
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

23 Oct 2020, 5:40 pm

1- Back massage

2- Legs Massage

3- Body to body massage


Oh that escalated quickly...


_________________
Come here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645


RightGalaxy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2008
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,870

23 Oct 2020, 8:56 pm

Just say what you want. Personally I don't like hugs. I feel suffocated by them.



starkid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Feb 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,592
Location: California Bay Area

23 Oct 2020, 9:14 pm

What if someone touches your back while hugging you? Does it make a difference? I'm just curious.



civil4life
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 22 Aug 2019
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 12

24 Oct 2020, 12:09 am

It does not make a difference with "type" of hug. They are just neutral to me.



Pepe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jun 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,162
Location: Australia

24 Oct 2020, 2:59 am

civil4life wrote:
It does not make a difference with "type" of hug. They are just neutral to me.


I am assuming you have RLFriends.


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,




Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


blazingstar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Nov 2017
Age: 66
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,253

24 Oct 2020, 5:19 am

I don’t think that is too weird, being patted on the back. If you can, just ask for it. The people you know IRL will learn that is what to do.

Recently I heard a radio program that the best comfort was a 3 second stroke on a back, was optimal in comforting. I asked my husband to do this, the 3 secs instead of just patting and the feeling of comfort was remarkable.

The other thing that comforts me is a still hand on my abdomen.


_________________
paralysis by over-analysis


Pepe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jun 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,162
Location: Australia

24 Oct 2020, 6:08 am

blazingstar wrote:
I don’t think that is too weird, being patted on the back. If you can, just ask for it. The people you know IRL will learn that is what to do.

Recently I heard a radio program that the best comfort was a 3 second stroke on a back, was optimal in comforting. I asked my husband to do this, the 3 secs instead of just patting and the feeling of comfort was remarkable.

The other thing that comforts me is a still hand on my abdomen.


Yes, please. :mrgreen:


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,




Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


Donald Morton
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 19 Nov 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 274
Location: Upper Midwest

24 Oct 2020, 6:16 am

Have always been uncomfortable giving or receiving hugs. There has only been one person I enjoyed hugging, that was a long time ago :(


_________________
The impossible is only something that hasn't been done yet.


civil4life
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 22 Aug 2019
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 12

24 Oct 2020, 12:31 pm

@Blazingstar was the radio program a podcast or something I could find to listen too?



blazingstar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Nov 2017
Age: 66
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,253

24 Oct 2020, 4:27 pm

It was on NPR in the US. I think it was a program about the deleterious effects of the isolation caused by the pandemic and the best ways to counteract it. And it was not too long ago. But that is all I remember. If I think of anything more, I'll let you know.


_________________
paralysis by over-analysis