Becoming Single

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Going to try to keep this as short and relatively private as I can, since I don't want to share too many details online and it involves another party. Also stating a warning to please not PM me trying to swoop in and attempt be the next partner I end up with. I'm not into that at all.

I have been with my SO for almost 4 years - known them longer than that. We have essentially grown up with each other, been through so much, they accepted me for being autistic, and were there for me. I cannot ever thank them enough for the love and kindness they have shown me while I was a horrible person to them. Lately I have had feelings where I feel like I need to step away from the relationship. Because of past mistakes, I feel that I had trapped them into a relationship with me. I am their first partner, first...everything. It makes me feel extremely guilty enough to the point where I think things should end. I do not think I can get over it enough to function properly. The pain I caused them haunts me. Thinking about it makes me vomit. We had a long conversation and asked for a little break while I thought things over. There had been other issues as well, but I don't think they are too relevant. I can explain if someone asks.

I still am very torn. I feel bringing this up out of nowhere and break off a decent relationship is very hard. They still love me very much and I do too, but now I see myself breaking up with them as an act of that love. They can be better off with someone other than me. Someone who will not make the same choices I did.

If I do end things, I will be single for the first time in a long time, I will have to move out, I will have to find a job. All that scares me. I don't want to leave a nice relationship.

My head is full of thoughts and I am too numb to think anymore. I hate myself for bringing this upon them. I want to go back to normal, but if I do resume the relationship, things will continue to get worse. I'm scared and I don't know what else to do.

Bit of an update.

I’m willing to work through it. I feel as if I’m making a bad choice but also a good one. It’s very confusing. Thank you all for your encouragement and support. Things are hard lol

They had forgiven me, but the pain is still there. Fear too. I just feel like I don't deserve them at all and they're going to be much happier with someone else. At the same time if I stay, they will be happy, but I won't be. It's all confusing and I don't know what to do. I'm scared

Can you give examples of what exactly the relationship is lacking for you? In what ways are you unfulfilled?

Otherwise you're setting a precedent for a really sh***y life, as you will cycle through this again and again without ever breaking out of the pattern. And trust me, if you look back on a lifetime of opportunities wasted, because anxiety / low self-esteem led you to repeatedly shoot yourself in the foot, that'll feel a lot worse than you do now.

Going to try to keep this as short and relatively private as I can, since I don't want to share too many details online and it involves another party. Also stating a warning to please not PM me trying to swoop in and attempt be the next partner I end up with. I'm not into that at all.

I have been with my SO for almost 4 years - known them longer than that. We have essentially grown up with each other, been through so much, they accepted me for being autistic, and were there for me. I cannot ever thank them enough for the love and kindness they have shown me while I was a horrible person to them. Lately I have had feelings where I feel like I need to step away from the relationship. Because of past mistakes, I feel that I had trapped them into a relationship with me. I am their first partner, first...everything. It makes me feel extremely guilty enough to the point where I think things should end. I do not think I can get over it enough to function properly. The pain I caused them haunts me. Thinking about it makes me vomit. We had a long conversation and asked for a little break while I thought things over. There had been other issues as well, but I don't think they are too relevant. I can explain if someone asks.

I still am very torn. I feel bringing this up out of nowhere and break off a decent relationship is very hard. They still love me very much and I do too, but now I see myself breaking up with them as an act of that love. They can be better off with someone other than me. Someone who will not make the same choices I did. If I do end things, I will be single for the first time in a long time, I will have to move out, I will have to find a job. All that scares me. I don't want to leave a nice relationship.

My head is full of thoughts and I am too numb to think anymore. I hate myself for bringing this upon them. I want to go back to normal, but if I do resume the relationship, things will continue to get worse. I'm scared and I don't know what else to do.