You can't win arguments with women?

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Our basement is different, not as many electronic games, but not all that far off from being comparable to this, really.

And at work there's a ~60" TV w/ like 4 different retro console systems hooked up to it and a couple of race car simulators with wrap around screens beside that setup - so rarely get turned on and used at all, though.. it's about to be Very Busy around there, but I still think we should make time to do stuff like hit the gym, shoot mini basketballs, have a beer and play some video games. There's going to be so much work to do and people are going to be stressed to the max, so we'll have to Make Time to exercise, play games, and work on/drive race cars just to keep everyone sane.

Give me a such room and I will suddenly gain plenty of gaming friends .

The married friends would suddenly have overtime work and long meetings.

All it needs is a little something boo

YES!! !

Nachos.

No you don't understand. I can't escape it. I'm trapped. First I thought I was trapped because I thought if we break up she'll force me to pay for some fraction of the house, which I can't afford. That was what she said she would do. She said she'd get her lawyer to make me pay 20 to 50 percent, with interest. She said she'd make me pay her $500 per week, while I'm paying the mortgage, while paying child support. I just can't afford that. I was scared she'd make my disposable income go down to zero for the next five or so years. When someone is in debt they always ask "How much do you save?", meaning how much is your disposable income. Then they take all of it.

Then I saw this
https://damiengreer.com.au/family-law/property-financial/divorce-separation-australia-who-gets-what-property-settlement/

It's our house so she can't just evict me from our house any more than I can evict her. Neither one of us has a right to make the other homeless.

Even when she's at her worst I wouldn't want to make her homeless but since she doesn't currently have an income, then means she could end up living with me for a long time.

So what's the difference? What's the difference between being in an affectionless relationship where we sleep in seperate rooms and argue a lot and chafe at having to live in the same house or separating and being housemates who sleep in seperatre rooms and argue a lot and chafe at having to live in the same house?

A few weeks ago I did break up with her for a while and it made no difference to the amount we argued. It actually seemed to increase the amount she tried to manipulate me. We reconciled after a little while but that only meant our dysfunctional relationship continued. Part of the reason we reconciled is because I realised there's no difference in separating from her so I might as well not bother.

When she doesn't get her way she starts throwing my stuff on the floor (yet according to her, I'm the immature one). You wouldn't allow a house guest to stay if she started throwing your stuff on the floor, yet in this case I can't ask her to leave.

Sometimes I almost feel like she's crazy enough that I could have her committed. But then I'd have to raise the baby myself while working full-time. I feel I don't have the skills to raise a baby but more importantly, she's already conditioned the baby to think she should be with her mother all time. The baby has had six months of being held by her mother for much of the day and sleeping with her mother all night (and during the early afternoon). So even if I was a skilful parent, the baby will cry without her mother. Sometimes she wants me to settle the baby to sleep and gets angry when I fail. Yet she's already conditioned the baby to think it’s only safe to sleep in the same bed as her mother.

Jane wants to have shared custody if we separate but the baby's conditioning will make this impossible. She said she wants me to have 3 or 4 days per week but I've noticed in cases where one party works full time he only looks after the child over weekends. Even that will be impossible thanks to the way Jane has conditioned the baby. Jane didn't do it on purpose. She was just being overprotective.

Recently she's forbidden our daughter to see her grandmother because "she doesn't like her grandmother". This is untrue. She likes grandmother just fine. The truth is, Jane doesn't like her mother-in-law because she views her as low class. Jane dislikes anyone who isn't middle-class or above.

I feel trapped. I feel like she doesn't let me have any say in how my own daughter is raised. I feel like she'll continue manipulating me and I feel like my possessions aren't safe from her.

Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 05 Mar 2021, 6:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Fixed it for you.

Do you have relatives nearby, just to get away overnight, for a short period?
Your mental health may be better for it if you get some relief, no matter how short.

Would your child worry if you didn't turn up?

What costs more, 5 years of zero disposable income or a lifetime of misery?

They do say that one of the reasons divorce is so expensive is.. because it's worth it.

Young children are very adaptable. She wouldn't cry forever in your arms every time, nor would she play strange spending weekends with you for all that long. People get too wound up in trying to do all the things that make a baby not cry when sometimes they should just let them cry about something being new or an adjustment, get used to it and get over it, and then carry on. Regardless, hold your daughter more. Silly not to.

If covid rules allow, invite your mother over more often to see her granddaughter. You have every right to. Who cares if it irks Jane? It's not like Jane is a pleasant partner you want to be careful not to irritate.

Now there's an idea.

My husband and I broke up when my daughter was six months old. He came out as gay. I was still on maternity leave from work, but becoming a single parent gave me no options. I needed to return to work full-time to afford the payments on the house, and pay for a nanny / daycare, and pay for lawyers, and basically do what needed to be done. I went through the same concerns you are facing, about the division of assets and about childcare. 24 years later, I've survived as an autistic single mum of someone on the spectrum. It's doable. It's very difficult, and I'm not an advocate for divorce whatsoever, but if this happens please know you aren't alone.

By age two and three my daughter thought it was funny that other kids had both parents in the same house.

She has no memories of us together, which is very sad ... but it's just the way it is. The worst thing is if there is an acrimonious separation and the child gets caught in the middle of your arguments or financial debates. Otherwise, the support of grandparents and cousins can go a long way into helping your child feel secure.

So has this escalated from an argument to a divorce in the course of this thread...?

Geez. People these days just don't know how to reconcile.

I think some of the things I see here look like blackmail-style threats. I'm not sure it's possible to come back from that. Wise people usually don't go places they can't come back from...

This is exactly what I was thinking. Don't let her cut your mum out of your life or keep you and her away from your baby! Do you have any kind of free citizens advice place you could contact to help figure out what might actually happen if you devorced? Does your wife accept that it will be bad for the baby if you are arguing all the time? This might be a terrible idea but if she's worried about keeping up appearances could you threaten to tell people you're thinking about devorce if she doesn't agree to go to couples counselling or some kind of mediation?

That's normal. I'm always fantasizing about that.

She'll find a way to make it worse than that. She'll think of a way to use our daughter to punish me. I can't fight her because always uses concentric layers of deception. Her estimation that I can afford $500 per week was based on her pretending to not know the difference between gross income and net income.

You may breakup once, twice, eleven times but the twelveth you may never go back. I've been dragged back into toxic relationships before and I felt trapped but eventually made it to where I cut contact and never returned. I understand for you this will be hard to work out especially alone, maybe you need your relatives and friends to move out and get out of her control range, to forget about her drama. No ome will blame you for leaving your daughter behind until you move on. Either way being there you have no power to help her. Try to find reasons to escape instead of to not do it.

Admittedly having to interact with an ex is really hard when trying to move on from them because it's docummented exes tend to get back as though no time passed and no arguments happened. It's better to move out and have support to remind you the reasons why your health is much more important than false hope for no purpose.

Sending hugs, strength. It's a situation indeed difficult and you are stuck. How will you outsmart her, by feeling like you can't act, that's just what she wants you to think. It's a result of abuse and overpowering by playing on your weaknesses and environmental proximity to bring you back. Your daughter is one of your weaknesses.

When you've become the bunny, your defenses aren't effective, the only way to escape the fox is to run. She will come after you but will not be as powerful when you're sheltered elsewhere especially since you have witnesses. Even interaction will be shorter and you can leave, so you can hold your defenses up longer, resist and recover.

Your daughter doesn't need her unarrested, that's the truth and neither do you. There's nothing wrong with her going to jail so that you figure out how to survive without her.

Glad to hear that.
It's good to be aware of your weaknesses and possible complications and how to remain safe, not to do it just for their preference or benefits\citizenship either, even if they look like an angel fallen from above at first. Humans aren't like a tv, you get it, you know what it will do. Both should be able to leave as easily as possible and remain independent throughout.
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It's not her decision to make. If you do divorce, it will be the court's decision. Based on my experiences I can say this:

Family court is almost always in favour of joint legal custody (decision-making about the child), and joint physical custody (time with the child). That means even with a six-month old, they will most likely rule that you divide your time evenly with the child by doing a week-at-a-time each, or some variation of that. Some people do 3 days on, 3 days off. The child's connection to the mother won't make a difference unless you are deemed an unfit parent (drugs, irresponsibility, etc). I was still breastfeeding and a stay-home mother on maternity leave, but needed to wean my baby in order to give her to her father for a week at a time, in the beginning. Courts also like this arrangement because, with equal parenting time neither parent pays child support. That eliminates the need for acrimonious disputes about child support payments and financial matters.

Regarding the home, if it's jointly owned the asset will be divided 50-50 along with your pensions or any other earnings you've each brought to the marriage / earned since marriage.

If you aren't married and you are living together, things are usually a LOT more complicated because the law is less clear about how to divide assets. Breaking up from a commonlaw relationship is usually far more expensive for legal fees because people can contest the merits of the case, and there isn't clear case law on how it will unfold.

The court may ask you to do a Custody Assessment if your wife argues that you don't deserve time with the baby. These assessments take many months, and everyone will be interviewed by psychologists. You may even be observed by psychologists while you care for your baby. Reports will be written about the child's needs and best interest. Jane's opinion will have no bearing on the outcome.