It's not a good fit but it still hurt

Post Reply New Topic

As I replied on another post, I had been involved with an autism support group off and on that was run by adults on the spectrum. As I said, the members of the board are extremely controlling and enjoy creating drama. It was to my understanding that I was kicked out on something that the president on the group's board can't keep his story straight.

When we talked on the phone last night, he said that he would love to have me be a part of the group because I am a good friend. Yet, because of the other members of the board, he will not let me back in, unless I change. He also said other very hurtful things to me, while trying to cover them up with sweet things.


Though I held back tears at the things he said, I told him that it's okay they don't want me as a part of their group and I just have too many things going on in my own life. I also said I felt it probably is not a good fit being I am almost 40 and most of them are in their 20s. As hurt as I am, I think it really is for the best.

1. I have a few friends who got hurt while attending that group
2. A former board member of this group stabbed a wonderful network of mine in the back
3. The leader of the group acts is incredibly sly, self-absorbed and, full of himself
4. The board stabbed another network of mine in the back and played all kinds of nasty games with her

So while they are saying I am "Kicked out," I quietly left that group on my own because I don't have time for their crap. I really don't need to spend my time contacting someone who is just going to cut me down,

Those people sound manipulative and mean. It's their loss! Don't give them your energy. Just try and let it go and focus on the positive in your life. I'm glad you posted this here, I'm sure it feels better to get it off of your chest. Hang in there!

What hurts is that the leader of the support group didn't even bother to say, "I'm sorry someone said that has been saying this about you." Instead, he cut me down by changing his story as to why I was kicked out. He also proved that he's not a good friend by insisting that other members of the board cut me down instead of standing up to them. Rather he wants to be a follower and nor does he care about me.

He also sounded very sly and condescending over the phone. "I would love to have you in the group but others are complaining about you. I will also invite you back but you have to change." I heard something similar from someone who I had a crush on. "You need to change this or that about yourself, then I will look at you as dating material."

He also told me that he kicked another person out of the group because he's a vegan and kept complaining that they were going to a restaurant with a lot of meat. Again, he kicks them out of their groups for the silliest reasons.

It seems to me that he was not so much concerned with you or your feelings, but with finding someone who would willingly follow his directives.  A woman I dated for a while (a psychology student) was like that.  She started with silly little things that I could easily change, and kept escalating the importance each time.  When she berated me for smiling at a waitress while I was giving my food order, I knew then that she was only looking for a man she could control.  After that, I started saying 'No' to her little demands, and she broke up with me publicly.  The man she eventually married was a real Caspar Milquetoast.  She later divorced him for being "weak".

Oh he is very controlling and he is always criticizing people for silly things. For instance, he criticized me one for getting a blister from overly playing with a stimming fidget. What?

He also dated another good friend of mine for a while and even got engaged to my friends which did not last very long. The broke up after a year of being engaged. She said he was very controlling and had to often police him because he could get out of line.

What specific kinds of things does he want you to change? (Answer only if you feel comfortable talking about this.)

While this can be very annoying, it's much better, in my opinion, than simply rejecting someone without explanation. At least it allows you to make an informed choice. And, if "this or that about yourself" is not something you are willing or able to change, then at least you know why you've been rejected. Not knowing why is much worse, in my opinion.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 18 Mar 2021, 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Agreed that this is a silly thing to criticize you for. Obviously the blister is your problem, not his.

Both of the things he is accusing me of are not true as he lies all the time and he told myself and another person a different story.

1. He has that autistic woman child, who I have written about thinking that I got kicked out for telling two other women from his group how to live their lives, which I did not do.
2. When I confronted him, he accused me of harassing other members of the group of which I have not done.

As I said, he is extremely sly and full of himself. He also seems to enjoy putting other people down and finding ways to make others feel bad about themselves.

There is nothing stopping you meeting others anyway outside of organized groups.

@ Summer_Twilight: You are much better off without that narcissist.

• Individuals high in narcissism, like cult leaders, often inflate their own sense of importance and behave in ways that are destructive to others.

• Similarities between narcissists and cult leaders include a tendency to lie and turn others against each other for their own ends, along with little tolerance for dissent.

• To escape the negative influence of a narcissist, be mindful of what you share with them and set firm boundaries about how you will and won't be treated.

Source:  This Psychology Today Article 

Fnord, he is definitely an overt narcissist and actually, I have been listening to some expert psychologists who have done lots of research into those with NPD. I have learned that a narc loves to argue so he or she will have something against you. A few things they have suggested

1. You want to be calm with them - I told him "I don't think it's really a good fit anyway. I am nearly 40 and most of the people in your group are in their 20's. I have too many other things in my life to worry about."

2. Go no contact with them - After I got off the phone with him, I immediately contacted another friend of mine who he targeted last year. I told him that he needs to go no contact with him because he is a narcissist.
- I cut him off last summer after I caught him in a few lies as well as one of the stunts that he and his flying monkeys caused my network all sorts of trouble.
-The other night was the first time I talked to him

Sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person whom you are better off without.

He is the charismatically flamboyant narc who often comes across as nice and caring while also giving gifts, love bombing. He also acts like he wants to help everyone.

Anyway, thank you so much. I have been avoiding him anyway, but it was only when I attempted to get the truth and all he did was cut me down. The way he talks to people really creeps me out.