I've lost everything in my life and feel like I'm in hell

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I remember exactly a year back saying I was going to leave WP forever as I embark upon life and accomplish everything in my destiny to accomplish

Now here I am 1 year later having failed miserably in my life and having lost everything there is to lose in life and more

I'm breaking down crying and I don't care if I come off as weak or scorned as a baby, right now I have taken more than I can handle or bear and I am at the point in my life where I'm fighting everyday to stay alive and continue this journey having lost everything in a span of a year

In 1 year my life has turned into a hell

2020 up until now has not given me any breaks. It started with me losing all my money saved up because of a robbery. Being the trooper that I am I pushed on unfazed and didn't let it bother me.

Then the Covid pandemic started and the job I used to manage was hit so hard by Covid it had to close down

Then I was attacked and beaten to near death in March in such a brutal way that it left me with PTSD and terrible mental hell that has robbed me of a life even until now. the head injuries sustained from the beating were so severe I have actually gotten stupider, feel unable to read or function academically most days without feeling like im going to pass out, and have actually failed school with the problems caused by said injury

then this May I decided to take a vacation and visit my sister. my sister lives in Minneapolis. I visited my sister exactly on May 25 for a week. Those of you who are smart and know how crazily unlucky that coincidence is ought to know I spent that entire vacation cursing my luck too. BTW during my vacation I witnessed Minneapolis go under curfew, military police, protestors being attacked and tear gassed, building and even apartments set on fire, as well as craziness that ive never seen in my life since Palestine during the Intifada in 2005. Mind you this all happened in Minneapolis during the vacation I planned all year to take a break from the hell in my life. the images I witnessed during this "vacation" left me with even more PTSD that still haunts me even until now

As all of this was happening I was in summer school and had just failed the previous spring semester because of all of this craziness. I barely passed summer school dealing with PTSD, sleep insomnia, and all the hell by that point, but when I just finished summer school and felt like I had a chance to breathe life hit me even harder. the day I finished summer school my mom died. like the very day I finished summer school and had a chance to breathe. literally like that.

I didnt even have time to process any of the hell that preceded this because I had to finish summer school to advance my college graduation, but for this to all happen the day I finished summer school felt too much for me.

I entered the fall semester unprepared and badly failed because of this.

failing the fall 2020 semester badly messed up my graduation timeline so bad, it destroyed my financial aid eligibility, and made life so much harder I ended up dropping out of college when I only had 4 classes left

today I found out my dad was diagnosed with cancer and im at the lowest ive been in my life. recently on the news I found out there was a shooting in Colorado which was heartbreaking. then I found out the shooter was a Syrian like me, and the hate comments and racism I saw online made me want to barf

at this point I don't know how much more I can take and if I can keep on going anymore. if god exists he's abandoned me

Welcome back, salad.

I've thought of you and wondered how you are, even earlier today! I'm so sorry for all you've been through, and I extend my condolences on the loss of your mother. The year has certainly been traumatic for you. I hope you'll stay, and take one day at a time as you process all this pain.

(( Big hugs ))

I try not to read about tragedies, violence, or polarising news stories. You might want to avoid the news coverage as well if it's triggering for you. I didn't realise there was a racial overtone to the Colorado story, but that's because I don't read the news. I know it will upset me, as it did you. One step of trauma recovery is to recognise what things will bring you emotional flashbacks, and learn to avoid them or view them in a new way. This is all happened so recently that you're likely best at the 'avoidance of reminders' stage.

Could you make a list of good things that happened this year? Simple memories, or moments of success? I think it's great that you managed to complete your summer school, even with the unbearable loss you received that day. Your mother would be so proud of you finishing the course. I hope you feel the strength and positivity where you can.

Keep writing. We're here for you!

My daughter has had multiple concussions and yes, it does make you "stupider" but a good occupational therapist got her to start reading again with really simple things like children's books. If your brain has been damaged you have to figure out alternative strategies to get what you need. She has super light sensitivity now and often wears two pairs of sunglasses at once, for instance. Don't try to compete with other students until you have some of this support in place.

The good news is, you can see some improvement. Just take it slow. Good luck to you.

I am so sorry to hear everything that happened. After you left i was also hoping that things would get better for you.

I think at this point, you should focus on taking care of yourself and feeling better first. Right now you deserve to have all the help and support you can get. If you have the means, i recommend you to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible.

I am sorry to hear you had such a bad year. Be close to your dad because he has cancer. Spend some time together.