Disappointing social experience

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I attended a meet up group event for the second time and it was a disappointing experience. They wanted to meet at a bar this time and I should’ve just declined right then and there but a part of me wondered if maybe it would’ve been different than previous times if I went. I actually got a drink to try to fit in but the alcohol hurt my stomach and I still have a burning sensation in it. I also kept getting pushed to the wayside in the discussions, especially when the subject of relationships came up. Three of the people in the group are engaged and I felt left out because I couldn’t add to the discussion. The lady who also hugged me the last time I went didn’t do it this time but hugged two other people instead.

I should’ve just went home after I got off work.

And in the end, it will come down to only one that counts, meeting the woman that will stay with you in a relationship.

All the failures won't matter. It only takes one that goes right. Your batting average is immaterial.

When you keep getting failures, though, it becomes very discouraging.

It sounds like you aren't really having dates, or even getting rejected.

Are you learning something from your failures?

You will need a different approach...

Putting too much stock into social events like speed dating during COVID isn't a good strategy. Sure, you failed, but that was entirely beyond your control. A lot of other people failed in that regard too. Got nothing to do with you.

The speed dating event didn’t happen so I haven’t failed it. It’s been postponed until summer time.

I live in an area where it’s very common to see couples. It doesn’t matter where. Parks, restaurants, cinemas, the bowling alley, grocery stores, the library I work at, gas stations, churches, hospitals, the comic book store, the mall, you name it. I can’t get a date mostly because people in my area get together very early on so the deck tends to be stacked against me.

The most common things I was told in asking for dates were “My boyfriend wouldn’t like that.” and “Oh, I am too busy.” so I can’t even get my foot in the door. People like my aunt tell me stupid things like “God is still writing your love story!” which is ridiculous because there is no evidence for that claim.

Last edited by Marknis on 28 Mar 2021, 10:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It might not always be possible to find someone local.

I’ve made attempts to meet women outside my locale. One on Facebook Dating had a self-fulfilling prophecy on her profile which was “Go ahead and disappoint me.” but I tried to initiate things any way and she stopped communicating after introductions. Another said something like God gives to those what they want but then contradicted herself by saying “Can’t always get what you want.” and stopped talking after that. I also tried a speed dating event in Austin twice but the fact I didn’t live there was an instant dealbreaker for most of the women at the event. Other attempts were either met with ghosting or foot dragging.

My father once asked me “Is there anyone you are interested in?” like relationships were like something you could buy at the store. He uses dating sites despite being married and uses his status as a doctor as a selling factor. It gets him dates but also tons of drama when the women find out he’s married as well as seeing other women at the same time.

^ Sudden end to communication and ghosting is a problem for NTs as well. People seem to have forgotten how to be mindful of one another, decent and civil. Nothing wrong with politely telling someone they aren't interested. To be honest, it seems your dating problems aren't strictly ASD-related.

I have a technique I use with people, and it's not strictly for romantic purposes. It's preplanning interactions and tailoring scripts to specific interests. I used this mostly for job interviews, but early dating has a lot of similar aspects. You will need to study the profiles and find ones that share enough information with facts you can work with. Study up on interests and activities of a specific potential date, or even make something specifically for that person. Yeah, it's an up-front investment of time and energy, but then again, if it's meant to excite or make that person feel good, even if you don't score a date you will know you made someone's day by randomly doing something for them.
And the other is being a creep and snooping around online to see if you can find out more about a particular person to find facts that would make good conversation (just don't spill them all at once or it would scare the potential date).

That's fu...

Not the main topic here, but if you ever again have occasion to go to a bar, would it be possible to get some kind of soda or maybe some kind of fruit juice in lieu of an alcoholic beverage? Whenever I've gone to a bar (which is hardly ever), I usually got cranberry juice.

At least here in NYC, most bars do have some nonalcoholic drinks available. Not many people order them, but they are also used as ingredients in mixed drinks.

I've always been a strong believer in not doing anything I'm seriously uncomfortable with (for whatever reason) just to fit in. I've always preferred to stick out a little bit from the crowd -- and thereby, hopefully, attract the attention of people who share my difference, whatever it might be. Even if no one shares my difference, I still refuse to put up with major physical discomforts just so I can look like everyone else.

Alcohol is a social lubricant, and helps calm nerves. One drink will do him good.

Marknis has said that alcohol makes him physically sick.

And, personally, I've always rejected the idea of alcohol as a "social lubricant." IMO, it makes people more likely to say something stupid.

I also think it's best to avoid the kinds of social situations where there is a premium on smooth talk, in favor of social situations that revolve around doing something other than just chit chat.

Examples: board games, role-playing games, and creative writing workshops where participants get to critique each other's writing.

I don't recommend anybody getting involved in alcohol....it affects people in different ways. I know a guy who goes nutso when he has two beers.

I got to places where people drink. I just order a Coke.

I have done that before and it immediately marked me as a “wuss” or even gay in the eyes of the other bar goers. Even if you get something like a wine cooler, you are considered a wimp and apparently having something like a Heineken has a homosexual connotation. If you don’t get “hammered” immediately, you aren’t doing something right in the eyes of these people.

Sticking out from the crowd hasn’t worked in my favor. It just puts me on the outside looking in. One of the worst times this happened was when my car’s alternator started going out in Austin and I had to pull over. It just so happened that the closest place was a ballroom and I could see through the windows people dancing and having fun. It illustrated my life so well. I struggle while others are having fun. I also feel like everyone is part of a party that my invitation to got lost in the mail.

With the exception of wine, champagne, and pina coladas, alcohol in general makes me feel sick and hurts my stomach. Men who drink wine and champagne are frowned upon unless they are married and pina coladas are considered “Mexican” or “gay” drinks.

Alcohol makes me feel more anxious and upset when the conversations still fizzle out on me.

^ There's nothing gay about a mojito. Tasty, refreshing, and the alcohol is diluted.

Honestly, there are so many tasty cocktails (and mocktails without alcohol) that visiting a bar shouldn't be a problem. For us with sensory problems public places are problematic in general... Bars are just some of them.

Well, I'll hang out with r00tb33r if y'all don't mind. He sounds like it could be fun.

Hey dude, buy me a mojito?