It's so hard to NOT express myself!

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I wish I was like a normal Aspie; not expressing much emotion. But I do. I've only got to make a negative facial expression and I'm told to stop moaning. It's not moaning, it's expressing myself. Sitting quietly when I'm among friends, family, colleagues is just SO HARD! I have to speak! Share my thoughts and feelings! Yes I DO have filters that make me know what is appropriate and what isn't, but I'm talking about socially appropriate stuff here.

Today at work I've not moaned once (not that I do much anyway, no more than the average human does on a daily basis anyway). I was actually joyful because I am on holiday from work next week, and I said so. The supervisor was like "oh I'd better get [name] to cover your shift next week", and the person he was referring to is rather unreliable, so I sighed as in non-verbally saying "I wouldn't ask her - she's unreliable!" and he looked then said "stop moaning!", which made me feel like a whiny little kid. I didn't even say anything, I just sighed. He should have asked me why I sighed or something, not just those two insulting words. That's all people say to me.
And at that moment he started moaning about things (unrelated to the conversation we were just having), and I should have yelled "stop moaning!" But I didn't, because I don't stop other people from expressing their thoughts and feelings. If somebody wants to moan then I let them and try to understand.
I have learnt to keep my mouth shut but it's so hard! I have a thought or emotion that NEEDS TO COME OUT!

Maybe you can help me think of a good response when someone says stop moaning to me, other than "I'm not moaning". Or maybe you can help me not to get so triggered whenever someone says it to me, other than "don't moan then".

If you come up with a potential solution to what you are supposedly "moaning" about, I believe that would solve the problem.

'Normal aspie'??
I thought you wanna be a normal NT instead.


So an unreliable person gets to cover your shift -- supervisor's decision.
Let them. It's not like you own the business and have the hand over the decision.

You cared too much -- it's one thing to be concerned about people and expressing council related to their personal matters.
It's another when it comes to business decision making and expressing counsel about it.


And since you've been complaining about... What, 'moaning'? For so long?

Well, perhaps I'll give you a tip of sorts; related to reputation and identification -- about building context around yourself.
I assume you've known what first impressions means and how that may lasts.

And found yourself in context of being labeled a complainer or 'moaning' by... Being expressive, was it?

While I have the opposite intent yet having the same natural inclinations about being expressive, instead of complainer I got moody instead... And I know why.

In what way you know how you ended up with 'complainer' or as what people say 'moaning'?

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Generally I'm a bubbly, upbeat person around people. I used to moan a lot when I was a little kid, as in whinge and whine, in a high-pitched voice. But as an adult I have learnt how to stabilise my mood and I hardly ever whinge and whine, and if I do whinge and whine I know that I am doing it and why.
But I can still be overexpressive, like I'll react to things that I needn't, but not in a whiny way, it's just reaction. I just wish everyone would use a different word other than "moaning" to me because the word was used so much to me as a child that now it just haunts me. When people say "stop moaning" it's like a dagger being thrown at me.


TL;DR
OK, I didn't actually react because of her being unreliable, I actually reacted because when she covers she gets arseache (can't think of an American equivalent for that term, sorry) with me because I don't cover for her when she's off - but she doesn't understand that I am unable to do overtime because of the financial benefits me and my partner receive. I won't go into detail about all that but it is a valid reason as to why I can't cover for her. But that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty, because I do. So me sighing was me expressing that. And yes I have explained to her about my situation but English isn't her first language so it's difficult to explain to her about things unless it's basic simple stuff. Expressing emotions non-verbally is a very human thing to do. Can't I be a human?



Normal aspie'??
I thought you wanna be a normal NT instead

Well I do.

I think years ago, when I was younger, I would have just sensed a negative atmosphere from your reaction and not much more than that. Unlike you, I have very little natural radar when it comes to what is socially appropriate and used to be much more oblivious. I also didnt winge as whine so much as have what my nan called 'terrible tantrums' but that was more to do with environmental stuff such as labels in clothing causing me pain.

With age I seem to have gained much more awareness socially, especially in my 30s, i used to be much more socially oblivious and it could take time sometimes for the penny to drop.

As to my overloads as I call them, I still don't have full control over my terrible tantrums (so to speak...and I have had people whom have witnessed them say they have never seen a tantrum like it as I will just scream and scream and scream and scream) but I have learned to mellow them out and have ways of keeping them away from people so that I don't upset them. I can also shout, rant, and smash things but I keep a reign on that too and try to keep it away from people where I can. I can sometimes feel it building and will leave the area and go somewhere quiet.

Just being somewhere quiet can help because often my tantrums are triggered by something sensory. Also I don't cope with social conflict and I hate negative atmospheres although that alone is not always enough to trigger them. It depends on other factors.

My dad was autistic and had terrible outbursts too...so much so other children were not allowed to come around to my house and play because of them, although I could go to theres.

I have been working my whole life to try and get rid of them but all i have been able to do is calm them down by manipulating my environment (keeping sameness/routines, avoiding too much change too quickly in certain ways, avoiding certain textures, materials etc to keep my sensory issues under control, stimming etc and using my hobbies to sooth my nervous system) but I have still not completely gotten rid of them.

Unfortunately when I bring people in to my life and I have to live with others and I can't get my own space I can struggle because they mess with my samenesses, create too much change, ignore my sensory issues, take the piss out of me for stimming and stop me using my hobbies to calm myself...

My overloads (as I call them and have always called them) inevitably get worse.

I prefer living alone. I wanted to be able to be with people but I can't. Unfortunately.

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In other matters maybe they thought your sigh was rude?

I'd have just felt uncomfortable if you had done what you did because it sounds negative and I would have wanted to not be there. I don't cope well with negative environments.

Kinda reminds me of my youth, when I was bullied. Kids called me crazy... Or insane.
My initial reaction was not to cry but fly with rage.
I want them to stop, and no one listens. No one helped. So I do what I learnt at my household -- do it myself.

Anyone mature enough understands I'm not crazy or insane, just easily provoked. Hence the mature ones say I'm moody...
At least this makes sense.


For years now, if someone calls me crazy I do get a hint of annoyance if I'm not in a state to take them all;
I get three main reactions; either I show them 'crazy' (either in jest or in escalation), deflect the whole thing (like the hell do they care?), or question them but hint annoyance/defiance on the remark.

Never once I told a person to stop calling me crazy. It'll be a sign of admitting that it's one of your buttons.
Calmly telling that I'm not, does not work. It'll be interpreted just the same.
Pick the right person to admit to wisely.

I'm sure you got more than enough social skills to know how and when to deflect.
Maybe more knowing how to turn things around a bit.

Anyways. The context around you is being soft -- that's how you prefer to present yourself; a nice person.
But you can alter that; one can be nice and have enough backbone -- the 'moaner' label would be a bit contradictory from that.

Maybe you can invest in that area.

I don't know if you can or not, but I do know you have enough social skills to discern between assertiveness from aggression better than many here do...

I don't though; I swing too much on aggression.



But if external context change and reaction does not work...
Well, experience told me trying to disassociate the label won't work. It may even backfire.

If you know inner work, explore the labels.
Because you say you think with emotions, because you did say you listen to your heart...

Maybe you can explore yourself. I assume you're able to summon your own memories, and go back in time.

I assume you know how the sense of self work along with it's defences.
I also assume you also know how emotions work -- why suppression is dangerous, why the common reaction, etc.
And I think you have enough self awareness to know what you are from what you want.

Exploring the labels can be tricky... Sometimes, painful -- knowing how to listen and digest without any defences, without judgment or thoughts reasoning.

Depending on your sense of self, it can be a enlightening or a despairing revelation. Regardless I'd recommend being gentle with yourself when it comes to it.

If you have a therapist and/or taking meds, I can't simply advice you any further about this.

And I'm not sure how much of these text I translated well for anyone to comprehend.

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I don't think I do too badly around people though. Most people seem comfortable around me and let their hair down a little like they know I won't judge or disrespect them, and I'm also quite easy to talk to and I usually sympathise and/or empathise with their problems. It seems that most people aren't afraid to confide in me and they feel they can be themselves.

Which is why I find it perplexing that close friendships don't seem to form with NT females my age no matter how hard I try. Maybe it's because I don't wear much makeup or dye my hair or not being into getting drunk at bars (pre-pandemic). I do love clothes shopping though, which is also just as socially trendy as drinking. But things seem to be getting easier as I'm getting older, as now that I'm almost 31 and living with my fiancee I feel that I'm not as expected to be out at bars getting blotto as I was expected of 10 years ago. But still, I do find myself being socially rejected by my NT peers. Otherwise, everyone else (guys of all ages, non-NTs of all ages, and older NT women) seem comfortable around me.