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CrabbyHermit
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30 Apr 2021, 5:56 pm

I've had a difficult day, a difficult week. I'm just about keeping it together at the moment.

I thought the answer was to keep trying to connect with people, I find online easier than face-to-face, that's what I've been doing for the last 6ish months. Work friends mainly, I thought I was doing OK. Chit chat here and there, some of us aren't at work at the moment, we're waiting to return so have been keeping in touch with each other for a rant now and again about the general situation, covid and things like that, checking each other are ok etc, private messaging mainly. Its been great having that.

Today I find out I'm the last person to find out a bit of info, I felt so bad. I thought I was well in the loop, apparently not. Its such a bad feeling, knowing I'll probably never be in that loop. It makes me want to withdraw completely from them. I'm so disappointed that the info wasn't shared with me. Its not the first time I've felt out of the loop, sometimes its over absolutely stupid things, but things which were important to me. I thought she (work friend) understood, I don't think she does, no-one does. I feel like I'm on my own at work. They just make their assumptions.

Luckily I managed to pretty much brush it off jokingly at the time, but then the reality of it creeps in and takes over my mind.

I feel they see me differently - they think telling me stuff will upset me or that's what I think. I made the huge mistake of telling a work friend about my possible ASD in confidence but I'm unsure its been kept in confidence. I feel like leaving my job just to get away from everyone and making a fresh start where no one knows me. Realistically that would be a huge mistake, especially as I (mostly) like it there.

I'm over-reacting aren't I? I kind of know I am but I can't stop it happening, it happens with all sorts of things. Is it an autistic thing or am I just a super sensitive weirdo? Do you have these sorts of issues/feelings? Unfortunately I've always been like this and I hate it :(

I feel stupid being like this :oops: if I know I'm doing it, why can't I stop? None of it makes sense. This is the kind of thing which makes me want to be 'normal'.

Thanks for listening, does anyone have any advice on how to handle things better? Not get myself so stressed out by these sorts of things. I'm 50 not 15!! I should be able to handle these sorts of issues - Help!



Mona Pereth
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30 Apr 2021, 7:42 pm

At some point later, when you are feeling calmer, perhaps it might be a good idea to gently confront your friends at work about how need to be kept in the loop about certain kinds of things.

In the meantime, you might find it helpful to read up on how to be assertive without being aggressive. Here is a list of tutorials on assertiveness.


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CrabbyHermit
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01 May 2021, 3:20 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
At some point later, when you are feeling calmer, perhaps it might be a good idea to gently confront your friends at work about how need to be kept in the loop about certain kinds of things.

In the meantime, you might find it helpful to read up on how to be assertive without being aggressive. Here is a list of tutorials on assertiveness.


Thank you, I feel much calmer this morning. Sometimes its just good to get stuff out and be able to talk about it.

Thanks for the link, I'll have a read.

Problem at work is there is the 'official' information which is the most accurate but really not much info at all.

Then there's the 'unofficial' information, I missed out on one of these bits of info from someone I thought I could trust. She definitely would know that I would have liked to have known this missing bit of info, from previous conversations we've had.

I've been in regular contact with 2 friends from work but this has seriously made me question who is genuine. It probably isn't a big thing to either of them but to me it really matters. I think perhaps the need to connect and make friends is more hassle than its worth, I think it might be time to go it alone.

It's left me feeling uneasy. It could be she didn't know herself but I'm 99% sure she would have found out very quickly from her 'sources'.

The bit of info itself is neither here nor there really. Its the fact I felt it was kept from me which is the real issue.

Aside from that our workplace isn't great for communication so that adds more awkwardness in to the mix.

Maybe I've completely misunderstood everyone and everything :roll:

I think I'll quietly step away from 'the loop/connecting' for a while. I'll concentrate on continuing to gain confidence in the things that actually matter and go from there 8)



Mountain Goat
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01 May 2021, 5:18 am

I get the same. Always have where others can go quiet when I arrive...

Mind you, while I am excluded from gossip etc, I often find out bits of information from people who the others don't talk to much as they assume they are thick, and yet I will talk to them and find things out.
And another thing tends to happen. While I am not included in general gossipy conversations, for some reason.. Because I am different? It is assumed that I am thick, so at times people have spoken about highly sensitive information in front of me assuming that I am not intelligent enough to know what they are saying.

But yes. I am normally the last person to know about everyday life situations that others share with each other but not with me... And they are often surprized that I didn't know... I didn't know because no one told me. Things like where I have worked in the past and someone got the sack...Months later I would ask where they were as I had not seen them, and they would be shocked that I didn't know. Somehow everyone but me would know, and they would have talked about it almost as much as the BBC talk about the virus or Brext. Yet somehow they would not include me in their conversations so I would not know. It is like I was reading a different page of a book and wondering what everyone is on about.... Actually more like I was reading a different book! :D

It is wierd like that. However I went past being upset. I got into the mindset where I had had this happen so often that I just did not want to know anymore. I did not want to try to find out. I turned inwards and turned my effort into doing my job and blinkering out the outside world. I had to. I reached a stage where I could not handle anything else... But then I would hit burnout... as I would overwork or over concentrate on my work to feel appreciated instead and everything would collapse around me.



Earthbound_Alien
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01 May 2021, 5:44 am

What is this mythical connection thing? I don't get it.



Earthbound_Alien
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01 May 2021, 5:45 am

Not being included is just not fun...

Other than that, its not that important.



MrsPeel
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01 May 2021, 6:09 am

I get wound up about that sort of thing too.
Hugs :heart:



kraftiekortie
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01 May 2021, 6:47 am

I’ve never been “in the loop.”

This probably enabled me to keep my job for 40 years.



OutsideView
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01 May 2021, 7:03 am

CrabbyHermit wrote:
I thought I was doing OK. Chit chat here and there, some of us aren't at work at the moment, we're waiting to return so have been keeping in touch with each other for a rant now and again about the general situation, covid and things like that, checking each other are ok etc, private messaging mainly. Its been great having that.

Today I find out I'm the last person to find out a bit of info, I felt so bad. I thought I was well in the loop, apparently not. Its such a bad feeling, knowing I'll probably never be in that loop. It makes me want to withdraw completely from them.

Sorry I can't offer any helpful advice but I definitely feel this! I hate it. You think things are going well then suddenly realise you're being left out again. But then I sometimes wonder, if I was in the loop, would I even notice? :?


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cbd
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01 May 2021, 8:53 am

They Might Be Shielding You . For Whatever Reason For Example if They Felt Revealing Info Might Impact You More Than Others .

Ask Why They Did This . You Will Get Clarity . and They Maybe Less Guarded with Information in The Future



CrabbyHermit
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01 May 2021, 2:50 pm

cbd wrote:
They Might Be Shielding You . For Whatever Reason For Example if They Felt Revealing Info Might Impact You More Than Others .

Ask Why They Did This . You Will Get Clarity . and They Maybe Less Guarded with Information in The Future


Thank you, you know, maybe. It could be the case as everyone is fairly nice, there's not one person I don't like. I don't want or need shielding though. I don't know what to do, leave it and move on - that's all I can do really.

I did ask, but it was one of those things which wasn't a big deal to anyone else, they say no-one knows what's going on blah blah blah, which is probably partly true but they still knew a lot more than me.



CrabbyHermit
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01 May 2021, 3:03 pm

[/quote]
Sorry I can't offer any helpful advice but I definitely feel this! I hate it. You think things are going well then suddenly realise you're being left out again. But then I sometimes wonder, if I was in the loop, would I even notice? :?[/quote]

Thanks, suppose its just one of those things which is bound to happen from time to time. The frustration has gone now, I'm over it. Doesn't mean I won't hold a grudge though :lol: . I'll be a lot more wary about what I share in the future, problem is I thought it'd be helpful to be open and honest with people, seems not :?



cbd
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01 May 2021, 3:08 pm

CrabbyHermit wrote:
cbd wrote:
They Might Be Shielding You . For Whatever Reason For Example if They Felt Revealing Info Might Impact You More Than Others .

Ask Why They Did This . You Will Get Clarity . and They Maybe Less Guarded with Information in The Future


Thank you, you know, maybe. It could be the case as everyone is fairly nice, there's not one person I don't like. I don't want or need shielding though. I don't know what to do, leave it and move on - that's all I can do really.

I did ask, but it was one of those things which wasn't a big deal to anyone else, they say no-one knows what's going on blah blah blah, which is probably partly true but they still knew a lot more than me.


Aha , I Hear what You're Saying . Might Just Be that Gossip / Info is Passed More Frequently Between Others . There Could Be Many Reasons . 1 Being if You Aren't a Gossip Type , People are Less Likely to Blurt Large Amounts of Info in Your Direction



CrabbyHermit
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01 May 2021, 3:12 pm

Earthbound_Alien wrote:
Not being included is just not fun...

Other than that, its not that important.


Thank you, you're right today its far less important. I can see now that my feelings went way over the top about it, unfortunately that's me, next time I'll hopefully handle things in a bit more rationally.



CrabbyHermit
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01 May 2021, 3:21 pm

MrsPeel wrote:
I get wound up about that sort of thing too.
Hugs :heart:


Thank you, horrible feeling isn't it and annoying not being able to stop yourself feeling it :| x.



CrabbyHermit
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01 May 2021, 4:50 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
I get the same. Always have where others can go quiet when I arrive...

Mind you, while I am excluded from gossip etc, I often find out bits of information from people who the others don't talk to much as they assume they are thick, and yet I will talk to them and find things out.
And another thing tends to happen. While I am not included in general gossipy conversations, for some reason.. Because I am different? It is assumed that I am thick, so at times people have spoken about highly sensitive information in front of me assuming that I am not intelligent enough to know what they are saying.

But yes. I am normally the last person to know about everyday life situations that others share with each other but not with me... And they are often surprized that I didn't know... I didn't know because no one told me. Things like where I have worked in the past and someone got the sack...Months later I would ask where they were as I had not seen them, and they would be shocked that I didn't know. Somehow everyone but me would know, and they would have talked about it almost as much as the BBC talk about the virus or Brext. Yet somehow they would not include me in their conversations so I would not know. It is like I was reading a different page of a book and wondering what everyone is on about.... Actually more like I was reading a different book! :D

It is wierd like that. However I went past being upset. I got into the mindset where I had had this happen so often that I just did not want to know anymore. I did not want to try to find out. I turned inwards and turned my effort into doing my job and blinkering out the outside world. I had to. I reached a stage where I could not handle anything else... But then I would hit burnout... as I would overwork or over concentrate on my work to feel appreciated instead and everything would collapse around me.


Incorrect assumptions are the worst thing to deal with, the frustrating thing is once someone has their impression of you, it seems there's nothing that can be done to change it. Saying nothing at all or being open and honest, nothing makes a difference.

The 'thick' assumption is one of the worst, along with "We didn't say/do blah blah as XXX thought it might upset you" or similar, that one is the absolute worst as its so patronising. Finding out the reason such and such thing upset me in the first place might be a better place to start!! People start to think they know you better than you know yourself. Then if you try to explain, it makes them feel awkward and embarrassed. It feels like an impossible situation at times.

Sorry got into a bit of a rant there :lol: it frustrates me so much.