Women Are Rarely Direct With You About Not Being Interested
I think a majority of posters in these threads have been blaming all guys for being somehow less than adequate rather than acknowledging the way a few violent idiots spoiled things for everyone.
I mean at least this thread doesn't border on eugenics too much but there's always someone who comes out of the woodwork suggesting that guys with ASD are genetic dead ends who can do no more than disgust women in general. It's really not healthy to keep leaning into discussions that pidgeonhole certain types of people.
We basically never have a thread about common ground for everyone. It doesn't happen. Maybe a positive tone is too much to ask for but at least talk about something constructive sometime.
I categorically reject this pessimistic trend.
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"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos
I've actually been fascinated by "silent" girl/woman at parties/gatherings.
But I was never successful trying to get to know them a little bit--primarily because it seems as if they didn't want to talk to anybody. Or maybe they didn't want to talk to me? I don't know.
I used to have this crush on a very shy girl when I was in high school. She didn't care for me at all, for some reason. She had the same name as one of the Pigeon Sisters on "The Odd Couple."
But I'm surprised that there is no "allure" attached to a man who stays in the background, and just observes.
It means what I said.
_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos
Gentleman Argentum
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[...]
I also don't like drinking
To the various folks here who feel that they are the only ones in the world who don't drink: Behold, two more non-drinkers, here on WP.
And see, I actually dumped a nice lady over drinking
Aspies above all should never, ever drink -- because... because... well, say you have only a Celeron for your social cpu. And let's say, you decide to run the Celeron at half-speed (by drinking). Well, the poor little Celeron social cpu just can't keep up with all the social instructions firing at it all the time... result: freeze, glitch, system slowdown...problems!
Just my minority opinion and I'm sticking to it
I'm also experimenting with minority (seldom-seen) smilies
Mona is nice
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• You are at a party.
• One of the men hangs back and avoids speaking to anyone.
• The other man mingles and actively participates in at least one lively conversation.
Which man who would most likely interest you?
I am guessing (based only on personal experience and observation) that you would most likely be interested in the man who mingles and actively participates in at least one lively conversation, while ignoring his (seemingly) identical twin. This decision process would likely take only a few minutes, if not only a few seconds.
Here it's more a case that the man who talked to me has given me an opportunity to get to know him, at least a little bit, whereas the silent man has not.
If I were subsequently to encounter the silent man in another context where he wasn't so silent anymore, I wouldn't necessarily reject him because he was silent at the first event. It would just take longer for me to get to know the previously-silent man before deciding whether I was interested in him or not.
Of course, if the silent man never talks to me, then I would never decide that I am interested. But this would not have been because I made a quick decision to reject him, but because any possibility of a decision has been indefinitely delayed.
Note: The above also assumes that I am not the leader/facilitator/hostess of the event(s) in question. If I were the leader/facilitator/hostess, then I would actually make a point of seeking out and talking to the relatively silent people, and perhaps introducing them to other relatively silent people, to ensure that they feel included in the event.
You will not say that I am wrong, because that would be a lie.
You will not admit that I am right, because you do not like me.
So you change the conditions to fit another narrative with which you will agree.
Funny!
Hm... I don't know about the likes and dislikes on this board, I don't follow you peeps enough, and my social cpu is a Celeron.
However I defy you to ever find a daughter of Eve since time began that will admit to being wrong
Or for that matter a son of Adam
Liking and not liking may have nothing to do with it
The only one that got satisfying Yes/No answers to his binary questions in all of recorded history was Socrates, and it's likely Plato was embellishing to make his dear teacher look good
Gentleman Argentum
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But I was never successful trying to get to know them a little bit--primarily because it seems as if they didn't want to talk to anybody. Or maybe they didn't want to talk to me? I don't know.
I used to have this crush on a very shy girl when I was in high school. She didn't care for me at all, for some reason. She had the same name as one of the Pigeon Sisters on "The Odd Couple."
But I'm surprised that there is no "allure" attached to a man who stays in the background, and just observes.
Yes! I prefer shy girls too. In fact, shyness and introversion in a woman boosts my confidence a lot. I feel like I have a real chance (whether I do or not). Also, I feel like we have something important in common. I just couldn't keep up (and wouldn't want to keep up) with a real chatty hyper extrovert that wants to go hug everybody all over the place... that would be exhausting... when I just wanna chill
Last but not least, I first took up drinking after a very traumatizing therapy session. That ***** [female dog] didn't even apologize, but instead demanded that I tell her how the abusive session made me feel. I realized she was a sociopath who enjoyed seeing me emotionally destroyed. (Most, if not all, therapists are sociopaths, but she was just worse than others.) So I took up drinking. If it weren't for the alcohol that numbed my sad, miserable feelings, I probably would have committed suicide the same week. Which means there would have been blood on that the-rapist's hands, so alcohol saved her career too. I've been drinking every change I get ever since.
If I'm not being direct in rejecting someone it's because I'm trying to 'look after' something. Like his feelings or myself from something like being verbally abused.
I wouldn't say that there is none. I can say for myself at least, that I would have a curiosity of such a man. But being that I am shy and also the type that sits in the background observing....one of us approaching the other doesn't have very good chances
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"Inside the heart of each and every one of us there is a longing to be understood by someone who really cares. When a person is understood, he or she can put up with almost anything in the world."
Hot take but the reasons why traits such as introversion and short stature still persist is because although these traits are unattractive in men, being short nor introverted doesn't negatively affect a woman's romantic or sexual opportunities due to sexual selection. So if a short or introverted woman has kids, there's a good chance her kids will be short too, regardless if they're male or female.
The reason why introversion is a negative trait in men and a neutral trait in women is due to sexual selection and how the overall dating market works. You see, in most cultures, it's the men who are the ones doing the initiating and pursuing. This means the dating market favors more bold and extroverted men, while shy and timid men are more likely to stay single for longer.
Women on the other hand, they can afford to be more quiet and shy because they can simply wait for men to come and approach them. This is the reason why shyness and introversion isn't as big of a negative trait for women in the dating marketplace.
Well, it's not supposed to progress by approaching and talking, rather the next step is that these people continue to seek new opportunities to observe each other. Under optimal conditions, this can develop into a quite interesting game.
Not true. Introversion and extroversion didn't evolve under the same evolutionary pressures, and so these kinds of ideas are just fantasies or "just-so stories".
• You are at a party.
• One of the men hangs back and avoids speaking to anyone.
• The other man mingles and actively participates in at least one lively conversation.
Which man who would most likely interest you?
I am guessing (based only on personal experience and observation) that you would most likely be interested in the man who mingles and actively participates in at least one lively conversation, while ignoring his (seemingly) identical twin. This decision process would likely take only a few minutes, if not only a few seconds.
If I were subsequently to encounter the silent man in another context where he wasn't so silent anymore, I wouldn't necessarily reject him because he was silent at the first event. It would just take longer for me to get to know the previously-silent man before deciding whether I was interested in him or not.
Of course, if the silent man never talks to me, then I would never decide that I am interested. But this would not have been because I made a quick decision to reject him, but because any possibility of a decision has been indefinitely delayed.
Note: The above also assumes that I am not the leader/facilitator/hostess of the event(s) in question. If I were the leader/facilitator/hostess, then I would actually make a point of seeking out and talking to the relatively silent people, and perhaps introducing them to other relatively silent people, to ensure that they feel included in the event.
I will say that you are wrong about the original claim that your "thought experiment" was intended to prove -- that I make snap judgments about people. Many people do habitually make snap judgments, but I am generally a lot slower about making judgments about other people than most people apparently are (at least in situations where I don't absolutely need to make a snap judgment). And, no, this is not a lie.
No, this isn't about you.
My point was to concede the truth of one of your subsidiary hypotheses while rejecting your main point.
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[...]
I also don't like drinking
To the various folks here who feel that they are the only ones in the world who don't drink: Behold, two more non-drinkers, here on WP.
I drink. I don't like drunks.
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Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52
techstepgenr8tion
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I don't really think anyone's direct in this area unless they're really ruthless or don't think much of you.
One of the most difficult things to deal with in the world of dating is how much your respect for someone as a person and your sexual attraction to them can swing independently. Neither layer is less real, it's just that the lower-level wiring doesn't care about the European Enlightenment, secular humanism, or anything else, it's governed by historical accruals.
If they're not interested but like you enough as a person to keep contact you'll see their affect flatten, or signs that their down, or signs that they're pushing off when you show interest on that level - that's at least your signal that they're not interested in you sexually or romantically and that it would be better if you stopped.
I'm at least glad that I've been in this spot enough times to know how much it sucks, it feels nothing like holding keys of power and much more like feeling wretched for having caused harm in the world that you had no capacity to stop.
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“Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word "love" here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace - not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.” - James Baldwin
The reason why introversion is a negative trait in men and a neutral trait in women is due to sexual selection and how the overall dating market works. You see, in most cultures, it's the men who are the ones doing the initiating and pursuing.
Actually, in many traditional cultures, marriages were arranged by parents, other relatives, and/or professional matchmakers, so even the man didn't have to do very much "initiating and pursuing."
More generally, the social demands of modern Western culture are very different from those of previous eras.
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- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter / "X" (new as of 2021)
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