The truth is as much as I do care what happens in my family's home country, as much as my humanitarian spirit wants Palestine and Gaza to have peace, the truth is my obsessive posting on this topic has been unusual for me, and like my obsessive posting in the PPR, all of it has been an escape from personal problems and failures in my life. Ive been living vicariously through the situation in Palestine that goes above mere empathy and almost like im using a serious conflict to mask up an otherwise broken interior life. Sure I do have family over there but if I were to be honest Ive never met 90% of my family and most of it doesnt affect me as much as I made it out. Yeah my brother was shot over there but he survived. Sure what happened over there makes me mad but no where near as much as America's genocide in Iraq and Libya and the tragedy in Syria.
The truth is im feeling broken and a shell of my former self after the injuries I suffered that ruined my life, and personal problems that have been really painful for me that ive sought to use what's happening overseas as a deflection from.
I feel scarred by failing school, having my dreams shattered, losing everything I worked so hard for in life because of multiple injuries, as well as feeling like the path to gain everything back and live life at the fullest is harder given how debilitating these injuries are and have been on my life.
ive projected my own feelings of hopelessness and despair onto the people overseas almost vicariously playing that out hoping their struggles would vindicate my own, and that their success would inspire me to succeed in my own life personally
I see in the Palestinian struggle the story of an underdog proving to the world they won't be defeated and that they will rise to greatness and gain freedom even if it goes against all odds and logic, just as I desperately want to prove to myself and the world that despite my injuries and disabilities I will rise to the top and be the greatest athlete despite how bleak it all feels
I see the situation in Gaza as a people crippled and misunderstood by the world trying to live and assert their existence even as they've been shunned and repudiated by the world and every time they try they get beat down and crushed by brutal military response, just as I see myself suffocated and choked by life's terrible circumstances always hindering me from doing better even as I try, and every time my life is about to get better and there's hope the life brutally intervenes and imposes brutal setbacks that without id be doing infinitely better
ive realized though that my investment in this conflict has been an obsession because of deep personal problems ive ran away from and used this overseas conflict as a distraction and projection of at the same time.
now that a ceasefire was signed and some level of calm restored, im confronted by the fact that I feel empty inside and realize how much this whole situation was an escape from my own messed up inner self and life that needs fixing
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"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."
Master Oogway
