What do you do when your not invited

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Does anyone have any good stratagies for coping with being excluded? I should be used to being left out, but it still hurts. Any suggestions for cheering myself up.

I can understand. How old are you? I say 18-25.
I have no guage for this social/clicquish associated
with you, but "I will make a guess-Admiral".

I can only say that if I or you must beg for
their friendship, it is one sided and finds better,
more accepting folks.

I personally tried to fit in with gamers, Sci-Fi'rs
and other odder clicques and found not result
from this attempt, thus it was to no avail!

I hope you lose the baggage that requires
your to beg for.....(insert topic) and personally



I have reached a point I will not beg for food,
companionship, nor friends. This took years
of being someone elses chew toy willingly for
their pleasure as a temporary form of attention



I will give a travel example. I was in the
Salt Lake City Greyhound and a younger
version of myself, including glasses, and
awkward-"I will follow you around like
a puppy dog" obsession to fit in was present.

He was probly 18 and his friend(usually
swave and can talk to the girls) was
chatting it up with the girls and all he got
was "your too weird for me...but I will be
polite and sympathetic because your
HIS(THE COOL ONE'S) FRIEND" .


#$#$#$#$#$#$#$^%&%&%^%^ YOU!
I AM ME AND YOU ARE YOU, DON'T #$#%$%$#
COMPARE ME WITH WHO I AM. The minute
this cool guy takes off I or you, or in this case
the kid would be alone more lost in identity
that was lost in someone elses chew toy(though
not deliberate) space.

the awkard kid wore a black trench, had a
strange posture, and I could notice a slight
language(he was white and computer geeky
like me) delay issue.

I tried having a conversation with him and no
eye contact, and awkward demeaner on HOW
to talk to people. This is what made him
vulnerable. I am grateful you Bolter_Two
are addressing this issue. You are reaching
a point to where you are asking questions!

Very Good!

Hmmmmm?

Describe your weaknesses and how they are
manipulated by others?

Describe your strengths and how they are
accepted, or not accepted by others.

The fact that you want communication
can imply ASD(Autistic Spectrum Disorder),
so how long have you had learning delays?

Hmmmm? HFA? PDD-NOS? I wouldn't say
AS because you seem to desire a form of
communication.

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

P.S.....WELCOME TO WRONGPLANET!

Unfortunatley no...

It's the worst feeling in the world for me, being left out. Even if it's just perceived, and not actual, it still hurts.
I tend to get paranoid sometimes and feel that my friends leave me out of things..

And there are times while I'm online, that two of my friends whom didn't know each till they met each other through me are talking to each other, and not me...

GA

No stratagies here, bolter_too. I still have not learned how not to be hurt by being left out.

Many times, I try to give people an "out" by saying, "...you guys go on without me" because I feel that they really don't want me around - I don't talk very much and I'm probably not much fun to be around. I take awhile to process things going on around me and so I spend more time listening than talking.

The thing is, most of the time, the ones that have hurt me will never know how much I am hurt by their actions. Those feelings...I keep to myself.

We have so much to learn from you, Ghosthunter! I really appreiciate the benefit of your experience.

Of course it hurts. The question is, are people who would be rude and do this to you worth being with? Do you have anything really in common with them?

Find folks who have interests and personalities in common with you...it won't be easy, but they are out there. The others aren't worth your time or having hurt feelings over.

First of all, Thanks Tom!

Second of all, We learn from each other!
I am flawed as with everyone else, and
I can make mistakes in judgement!
But that is how we also learn! So thanks
Tom!

God-Bless!

To be honest, I cry.

And then I get mad.

Not a very good way

Ditto Hale_bopp's response except I actually start experiencing suicidal thoughts But I dont think anyone wants to hear about that

me too

[rant]I don't keep much of a social circle and didn't have much of a porblem with this a few years ago when I did. However, my parents were and often still are the worst when it comes to this. I understand that it's good for my parents to get to do things alone together, but the measures they've gone through to exclude me from activities with my brother and new sister in law still piss me off just thinkng about it. I can acknowledge the fact that by brother and sister in law are more fun to be around than me, but the lengths they've gone through to ditch me (as well as some failed attempts ) is apalling to me. I've come to feel a sense of satisfaction that when they try and fail to do this to me, that they feel a sense of disappointment about the family event. I usually put up a partial NT facade, so it's not like I'm being rude and bizare to anybody either. If I go into anymore detail, I'll probably be pissed for the next week. Maybe if I ever manage to get married, I'll have a formal wedding, not Invite them, and tell them, "Oh, I didn't think you would want to come".[/rant]

It can be very sad. Being deprived of contact with others when you desire it because *you* are (always) doing something wrong can drag you into a hole and strip all the hope from your being. Well, that's what happened with me anyways. You know what they say, life sucks and then you die. Too bad, eh?

I wish I had some sage advice for you, but I don't. I still get left out, and it's still excruciatingly painful, even after all these years. I end up angry and resentful, and often just stop talking to the person/people involved. That's probably a juvenile approach, but I dunno how else to deal with it.

I was speaking with a friend of mine about this topic, (I talk to him about all sorts of stuff like this).

He's not an AS, or Autistic, but isn't exactly NT either (he has BiPolar)

=------------------------------------------------------------------=

GalileoAce: Greetings

Andrew: hey there

GalileoAce: You remember how we spoke of my distaste for
exclusion?

Andrew: I do

Andrew: I was out of the room

Andrew: I reply very quickly to MSN usually, as you
know

GalileoAce: Yes

GalileoAce: http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... pic&t=3974

Andrew: I handle exclusion rather well, I think. I
would venture to say better than most on your forum

GalileoAce: :: nods ::

Andrew: why do you think you fear exclusion so? Is
your theory different now after reading that forum page?

GalileoAce: In the trailer for Mozart & The Whale, there's
a line:
"People with Aspergers want contact with people very much,
we're just pathetically clueless at it."

Also when someone with Aspergers makes at friend, there is
no scale, you're a friend or not. And Aspies are extremeley
loyal to their friends. When those friends, either
intentionally or not, leave them out of activities, the
Aspie (IMO) feels their loyalty betrayed

GalileoAce: I think

GalileoAce: Honestly, I can not understand how any can not
feel hurt at being left out

GalileoAce: And it's not so much fear of being left out,
but fear of being hurt, that being left out creates

Andrew: doesn't it seem at all unrealistic to be
included in everything?

GalileoAce: I don't understand

Andrew: does it seem plausible to you that you could
go through your entire life without being excluded?

GalileoAce: I still don't understand what you mean..
I think you might be under the impression that I feel
excluded from ALL activities my friends do, which isn't
true. I don't feel excluded that I'm not at Uni with Kim,
true I wish I were there with her, but I don't feel
excluded.

Andrew: I know what you mean, but what I am trying to
say is that it is unrealistic not to expect to be excluded
some of the time. Everybody gets excluded knowing that
might make it easier to bear

Andrew: *Everybody gets excluded. Knowing that might
make it easier to bear

GalileoAce: That doesn't make sense to me

Andrew: do you know the lyrics to "Everybody hurts"?

GalileoAce: Not off the top of my head

GalileoAce: :: puts it on ::

Andrew: *gets them*

Andrew: When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life,

GalileoAce: Yes.... ...

Andrew: etc

Andrew: what do you think they are trying to say in
those lyrics?

GalileoAce: Suicide isn't an option

GalileoAce: The Corrs - Everybody Hurts [Unplugged Version]
[5:49, Playing]

Andrew: and how do they tell us that?

Andrew: *doesnt entirely agree, but goes along
anyway*

GalileoAce: When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, -- You're alone at night, IE: Have no
partner.

When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on -- Fairly obvious meaning there, don't give up...

Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes -- You're not alone in your pain.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along -- Sometimes everything IS wrong. (sing along rhymes)

When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on) -- Not quite sure on that one

If you feel like letting go, (hold on) -- Obvious

When you think you've had too much of this life, -- Obvious

another line is

Don't blow you head (or hand..) which is obvious

Andrew: what I am getting at is that they say that
you are not alone in your pain. Why is that relevant?

GalileoAce: To this conversation?
Well that's pretty obvious

GalileoAce: So because everyone experiences it, it makes it
right eh?

GalileoAce: or ok

Andrew: because everybody experiences it sometimes,
you can draw strength from feeling as though you are not
the only one, and that you can get through it because
others before you have. You can draw strength from it

GalileoAce: :: points to WrongPlanet.net ::

Andrew: which is why forums are cool...

Andrew: but what I am saying is that everybody feels
excluded sometimes, and nobody goes through life free from
exclusion. You can draw strength from that, too

GalileoAce: Doesn't make it hurt any less
Andrew: but it helps you deal with that pain better. Am I right?

GalileoAce: Not really

Andrew: hehe

GalileoAce: Mind if I post this on WrongPlanet.net?

Andrew: not at all

I think that's the worst, when family members reject you. What? You're not good enough to join them in there stanky a** outings or something? Plu-lease, they're not good enough for your precious time so don't feel bad about them leaving you out. They seem like they feel like you'll embarrass them knowing people won't understand you but that shouldn't matter because you're family and ain't no one's opinion more important than your own flesh and blood.

I have a 22 year-old brother and 17 year-old sister who are NTs and time they hit puberty, they didn't want to hang with me anymore because they became aware of my "un-coolness". I hate losing that relationship but I understand it's them, not me that has issues.

And that's the way I've always coped with rejection, knowing that others are fully responsible for their own behavior and being brushed off is a reflection of their lack of values, not an indication of me being defective.
Besides, who in their right mind wants to hang out with mindless people like that, anyway? It's better to find more important things to do than waste one more minute of precious time lamenting about their dumb behavior.

I know what you mean about the family member thing.

I'm always getting the old "Oh, I didn't think you'd want to come" Kiss my arse, I would have said yes I do want to come 99% of the time.

Mum also always says "I didn't think you'd like it, it's very crowded and crammed with people", maybe if she asked me first, then it would be less offensive? It's like a slap in the face and basically saying, you're a ret*d, so i'm going to treat you like one! Deal.

My Sister also did some things that were very hurtful. I think some of these are partly the reason that I can't get very close to her emotionally.

She would snub me like the "jocks and cheerleaders" would when we visited our cousins in Auckland. She treated me like absolute scum around them. In the end I just hated visiting them, and I'd never say anything because My parents would just tell me I was being ungrateful.

She also stole my only friend away from me when she came around to play in Primary school, it's like I've never really had any friends when I was little, and she had to be a smarmy little b***h and treat me like scum around her too.

I don't think i'll ever be able to forgive her.

I'm always trying to organise things with people, but I always know what the answer will be, I may as well not bother asking.

I don't really think anyone I meet will want to consider me any more than an aquaintence, and it f*cking hurts.

This is by far the most painful issue to me in regards to my AS. I can cope with the rest of the symptoms, but not this.