Frustrated with a friend

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I have a friend who I have known for nearly 9 years who I am learning is nice enough, still, I am discovering a few things about him.

He always seems to have big dreams but he jumps all over the place about those dreams but he never seems to make any effort to set goals or anything. Instead he complains all the time and covets what other people have. Moreover, he always seems to make excuses.

For instance, he hates the small town he lives in and would rather be back living in my city. Yet, he can't move back becaus his car is too old. Yet, I never see him trying to get a used vehicle that's in better shape. He also has lots of opportunities in front of him but because it's in this town, nothing is good enough for him.

I also recently discovered that he has been lying to me about things. For example, he told me that he is planning on going on vacation out of the country last year but could not due to Covid. The fishy part of the story, he told me he changed his destination three times and it was because of travel restrictions.

We all have flaws and limitations. I hope no one is frustrated with me, for making excuses or changing my story.

I think we all may know people who would rather make easy excuses than difficult choices.  With some of those people, it may be better to distance oneself from them and avoid all but the most superficial relationships with them.

He told me that every time he tries to go to college, his family members keep getting in the way of his dreams.

Yet there are colleges in his are but are not good at enough for him.

He’s always the victim who is expected to to take care of his family.

As I said, he won’t have anything to do with this small town. Therefore he will not go out and even attempt to get a job. Instead it sounds like he mopes around.

I saw him this past weekend and the entire time he talked about how life is better for his friends and compare his vehicle to others.

He reminds me of some people I've known in my life; some are just complainers. I can deal with some and appreciate their company because I see more in them, and get more from them, than others. I can (at least sometimes) shrug off the complaints partially because I already know they're not going to act on them, and they let me change the subject.

On the other hand, I know some mutual friends who, though patient, get more frustrated and exasperated with those same people because they have been with them for years and are sort-of obligated to spend more time with them than I am. They're worn out.

The ultimate question for you: what are you getting out of the relationship?

KimD:
To answer your question someone to spend time with because he is a like-able person. He also has some interesting conversations.

That said, I feel like he uses me as his therapist so he can dump on me with his problems. It’s
-“I’m homesick for this city.”
- “Family expects me to take care of my severely disabled cousin.”
-“I hate my hometown.”
-“I don’t have any money for a new car.”
-“I’m so helpless and I don’t know what to do. My life’s ruined.”

I have tried making suggestions to him but he always has an excuse. For example, I told him that I am not a trained professional and it may be better to seek a counselor l..

As I said l, I don’t trust him as he has lied to me about some things.

He is also sits there coveting his other friends.
-“Their lives are better than mine.”

This last time I saw him, I felt very drained.

That is EXACTLY what is the problem with friends like this. You won't be able to substantially change their style, so it's best to limit how much time you spend with them. There are some pros to this relationship yes, but do they outweigh the cons?

Well yes because it just hit home that he is manipulative. I felt sorry for him until I caught him in a lie. Basically, he keeps telling me he is good math. When I asked him it was “Well I am not really good at math but I would like to be.”

I don’t have to worry about seeing him that much because he lives far enough away. We also don’t talk on the phone that much, but he calls me ever so often whenever he looks at coming to visit.