Down feeling never going to be neurotypical

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AprilR
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24 Jul 2021, 9:25 pm

starkid wrote:
I guess that I am fortunate to not really want what neurotypicals have. I've never really felt bad about who I am or what I can or cannot do, neither before nor after I got diagnosed. That way of thinking is just not a part of my personality.

I can't work and I do not care. I lost respect for the employment system once I realized how strongly it's based on cronyism and social performance, and how it's next to impossible to prove that I can do the work.

If not for welfare and veteran's benefits, I'd be homeless and starving, but I see that as a failure of society, not my fault: I keep physically fit, I made it through college in a difficult major with an undiagnosed learning disability, my intelligence is great, I work hard and am responsible and conscientious, so I have no reason to feel bad about my lack of employment.

I do not want the kinds of relationships that I see other people having. I do not envy NTs their loud, fake, shallow, dishonest forms of interaction. Social customs, personal preferences, NTs preferring people who resonate with their own neurology, and other stuff that might make people dislike me is not my fault, is too subjective to reflect on me, and is no better nor more desirable than my own personal preferences.

I have no desire to be different to fit into any of it. I have no burning need for people to like me, and I can see what misery it causes people to want badly to be liked, so I'm glad that I'm not like them. When it comes to more objective measures of social ability, I do just fine: I'm not a liar, a manipulator, or a violent person. I care about important things like whether people are safe and have clean water, not trifling s**t like what Becky wore last week and who she is dating and why she doesn't like me. So I've not much to feel bad about in the social realm.



Same. It took me a long time to feel like this, but this is what i feel now as well. When i was 20 i couldn't even imagine ever liking myself the way i am.

When i could tell that people disliked me i always blamed myself for not being "likable" enough whatever that means. I felt like i was defective. Because i always saw myself through other people's eyes. It is so important to think of yourself and your behavior objectively. And recognize that not everything is under our control and make peace with it.

I hope and wish everyone in this thread can feel this way someday.



HeroOfHyrule
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24 Jul 2021, 10:58 pm

When I first was told that I could have autism around 11 I was upset about it and didn't want to have it, but after 9 or so years I don't mind it. I don't know anything else and I can't imagine what I'd be like if I was NT.


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Empathy Quotient: 34/80
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Lady Strange
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25 Jul 2021, 8:55 am

Thank you for all the replies, it's good to know I'm not alone, though I am sorry a lot of you also struggle with similar feelings. I'm hoping things get easier as I live with this knowledge for awhile and come to terms with it. Focusing on the little things to be happy about is a good thing to do, I'm trying to learn to do this too instead of compare to everyone else (easier said than done) but hopefully I get there!

Thank you again, it helps a ton to be able to talk to you all and hear replies from those who understand.


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Lady Strange
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25 Jul 2021, 8:59 am

Harry Haller wrote:
Lady Strange wrote:
Do any of you especially adults who have recently (or in adult life) gotten diagnosed or figured out you have autism go through a sad period about it?

Well sure, I understand this sadness, and it's legitimate.

It's kind of a mourning, a loss, for the kind of a person I might have been. Like mourning a stillborn child, and the loss of what might have been. It is a legitimate loss; legitimate sorrow.

At the same time it can also be a relief: here we have been carrying a 50-pound backpack that no one else has had to carry, and have been bravely trying to run this race. We can be kinder to ourselves, a little bit more understanding and forgiving of ourselves. We are the thoroughbred who, though injured, is gallantly still trying to finish this race.

There's nothing more annoying to a woman than a guy who is trying to fix things; so I'm trying to fix nothing here.
Just sharing four things that have helped me.

First is the neurotypical illusion.
A great many spend inordinate effort projecting a perfect image of themselves (especially with social media) and being in a perfect life; but it is an image. Often a mirage. Peel the surface off and underneath is often a smoking crater. Why else the opiate addiction, alcoholism, suicide, divorce, shootings. People are cruel only when they are in pain, and there is a lot of human cruelty.
The point is, just because it looks better over there, does not mean it is true. So don't believe it.

Secondly, comparing the self to others is a losing game.
There's always someone better and someone worse. We either come out better, or worse than another person; but either way it still leaves that empty feeling.

Thirdly, happiness and joy comes from the tiniest things in life.
Observe him closely: is Bezos happy?
Accomplishments, fancy titles, prestige, money don't bring joy. Look around and see for yourself. The noise of the world is empty.
Joy is in the small quiet things.
Oddly, pain is paradoxically often the gateway to finally understanding this truth.

Fourthly, the contest is not against the other, but to be the very best possible version of oneself.
Be the very best "me" possible.
I work out every day, but am under no illusion that I will one magic day suddenly be Brad Pitt. Despite and for all my limitation, all my failure, still - I just want to be the very best possible version of "me" possible. (Besides Brad has his own difficulties)

I wish everyone could know how amazing and remarkable is their body, the one we take for granted. You get down into the microcellular level, and it's amazing that the thing works at all. This is a tremendously complicated and wonderful thing we each have. It is a true miracle. We need to take care of it and treat it well as best we can while it serves us. For all of its faults and failings, optimize the body. Be grateful for it.

edit:
Be good to yourself


You are very wise! This helps a lot!


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Double Retired
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25 Jul 2021, 11:28 am

Lady Strange wrote:
Do any of you especially adults who have recently (or in adult life) gotten diagnosed or figured out you have autism go through a sad period about it?
I was diagnosed at age 64. And I did buy champagne on the way home from getting the diagnosis. Because of my age the diagnosis wasn't a warning of the problems ahead of me, it just explained many of the problems behind me.

I think being on the Spectrum was obviously a hindrance for many things, but I think it also helped me with some things.

I would gladly have had a happier life and have not had the problems the Autism gave me, but from where I am now I would not willingly give it up.

It is an essential part of me.


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Benjamin the Donkey
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25 Jul 2021, 2:59 pm

AprilR wrote:
starkid wrote:
I guess that I am fortunate to not really want what neurotypicals have. I've never really felt bad about who I am or what I can or cannot do, neither before nor after I got diagnosed. That way of thinking is just not a part of my personality.

I can't work and I do not care. I lost respect for the employment system once I realized how strongly it's based on cronyism and social performance, and how it's next to impossible to prove that I can do the work.

If not for welfare and veteran's benefits, I'd be homeless and starving, but I see that as a failure of society, not my fault: I keep physically fit, I made it through college in a difficult major with an undiagnosed learning disability, my intelligence is great, I work hard and am responsible and conscientious, so I have no reason to feel bad about my lack of employment.

I do not want the kinds of relationships that I see other people having. I do not envy NTs their loud, fake, shallow, dishonest forms of interaction. Social customs, personal preferences, NTs preferring people who resonate with their own neurology, and other stuff that might make people dislike me is not my fault, is too subjective to reflect on me, and is no better nor more desirable than my own personal preferences.

I have no desire to be different to fit into any of it. I have no burning need for people to like me, and I can see what misery it causes people to want badly to be liked, so I'm glad that I'm not like them. When it comes to more objective measures of social ability, I do just fine: I'm not a liar, a manipulator, or a violent person. I care about important things like whether people are safe and have clean water, not trifling s**t like what Becky wore last week and who she is dating and why she doesn't like me. So I've not much to feel bad about in the social realm.



Same. It took me a long time to feel like this, but this is what i feel now as well. When i was 20 i couldn't even imagine ever liking myself the way i am.

When i could tell that people disliked me i always blamed myself for not being "likable" enough whatever that means. I felt like i was defective. Because i always saw myself through other people's eyes. It is so important to think of yourself and your behavior objectively. And recognize that not everything is under our control and make peace with it.

I hope and wish everyone in this thread can feel this way someday.


I absolutely agree. Despite all my difficulties, I've never wanted to be NT. Even before I knew the reason why I was different, I was amazed that the vast majority of people could be so shallow, petty and conformist.


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Juliette
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26 Jul 2021, 6:26 pm

Glad to hear you’re realising that the “coming to terms” with it might just bring you some inner peace down the line. I would have felt down at the prospect of being neurotypical :P . I refuse to alter course just because I’m differently wired. We may have to change the way we go about achieving things in life at times, but it doesn’t mean we can’t necessarily still have a good life and achieve the goals we set for ourselves. Hope you have happier days ahead :).



Lady Strange
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26 Jul 2021, 6:32 pm

Juliette wrote:
Glad to hear you’re realising that the “coming to terms” with it might just bring you some inner peace down the line. I would have felt down at the prospect of being neurotypical :P . I refuse to alter course just because I’m differently wired. We may have to change the way we go about achieving things in life at times, but it doesn’t mean we can’t necessarily still have a good life and achieve the goals we set for ourselves. Hope you have happier days ahead :).


Thank you! I hope things get easier, or at least more at peace with things. I've never really had too much in the way of goals, I think more so just surviving has been my biggest goal so I haven't really had typical ones. The trick is now that I know about this I can try to live life in a way to not make it harder on myself hopefully. Thanks again!


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26 Jul 2021, 7:21 pm

I was diagnosed in childhood (AS), but I grew up being told (and treated as) that it basically meant I was shy and smart and had sensitive hearing. So I spent my school years thinking that it might be a bit harder for me, but I would attain everything an NT would at roughly the same time. I’d been told all my life that a college degree basically guarantees one a decent-paying job ( :lol: :roll: ). I was faced with reality when it took me six months of applying for multiple jobs a day, a large number being the kind of crappy jobs “anyone” can get because nobody actually wants to do them to even hear anything back from anywhere. I took a class before then where as part of it, a professional (I don’t remember the title, but something where he dealt with a lot of resumes) helped each student work on their resumes, and he said mine didn’t really have any room for improvement by the end, it was about as good as it was going to get. When I finally did hear back, I had one “preliminary” interview that I flunked because my tremor was particularly bad that day (I told the interviewer that I had a tremor, but he was hung up the entire time on how I looked “extremely terrified” (which I wasn’t) because I was shaking). Then I got a job as a part-time janitor that didn’t even have any interview, just come in, fill out paperwork, you’re hired, confirming that they were just truly desperate for employees when the manager was asking me to cover extra shifts every week without exception and asked me multiple times if I knew anyone else who wanted a part-time job. And while I had that job I got to the point where I was self-harming on a daily basis and ended up in the hospital for mental health reasons four times in one year. And that was when I had to admit that I most likely never would end up being able to support myself, at the very least. I’m now on SSI, but that does not pay enough to get even the kind of apartment where you get free roommates (of the more-than-two-legged variety) and are treated like a freshly-chewed piece of gum the landlord is trying to remove from their shoe, in my area.

I’m only just now, five years later, starting to accept that I’m never going to get a decent job, and probably will never even get my own apartment. I really need to have some sort of goal to be working toward, but there really isn’t any further for me to realistically go from here. So I didn’t really have any sort of negative emotions upon being diagnosed, but still have plenty of depression, frustration, resentment, and feeling like nothing but a burden because of what I can never have at least in part because of my autism. I get very jealous of people who claim their autism is anything besides a disability, it undeniably is for me and I would barely hesitate to be rid of it if I could.

Wow, long post :oops: Essentially, yes.


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27 Jul 2021, 12:21 am

Lady Strange wrote:
I've never really had too much in the way of goals, I think more so just surviving has been my biggest goal so I haven't really had typical ones.

Natural history suggests that survival is pretty much the only purpose of life. And by a strange coincidence, I've always felt that surviving to be enough to qualify me as a perfectly respectable human being, and other goals more of a bonus than anything to get too worked up about. As for typical goals, I don't relate to them, and don't think I'd be any happier if I did. The way I see it is, it's my life, and it's up to me to decide for myself what my goals are to be. Beyond survival, simply making myself comfortable and having fun would be enough to satisfy me.



Lady Strange
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27 Jul 2021, 9:27 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
I was diagnosed in childhood (AS), but I grew up being told (and treated as) that it basically meant I was shy and smart and had sensitive hearing. So I spent my school years thinking that it might be a bit harder for me, but I would attain everything an NT would at roughly the same time. I’d been told all my life that a college degree basically guarantees one a decent-paying job ( :lol: :roll: ). I was faced with reality when it took me six months of applying for multiple jobs a day, a large number being the kind of crappy jobs “anyone” can get because nobody actually wants to do them to even hear anything back from anywhere. I took a class before then where as part of it, a professional (I don’t remember the title, but something where he dealt with a lot of resumes) helped each student work on their resumes, and he said mine didn’t really have any room for improvement by the end, it was about as good as it was going to get. When I finally did hear back, I had one “preliminary” interview that I flunked because my tremor was particularly bad that day (I told the interviewer that I had a tremor, but he was hung up the entire time on how I looked “extremely terrified” (which I wasn’t) because I was shaking). Then I got a job as a part-time janitor that didn’t even have any interview, just come in, fill out paperwork, you’re hired, confirming that they were just truly desperate for employees when the manager was asking me to cover extra shifts every week without exception and asked me multiple times if I knew anyone else who wanted a part-time job. And while I had that job I got to the point where I was self-harming on a daily basis and ended up in the hospital for mental health reasons four times in one year. And that was when I had to admit that I most likely never would end up being able to support myself, at the very least. I’m now on SSI, but that does not pay enough to get even the kind of apartment where you get free roommates (of the more-than-two-legged variety) and are treated like a freshly-chewed piece of gum the landlord is trying to remove from their shoe, in my area.

I’m only just now, five years later, starting to accept that I’m never going to get a decent job, and probably will never even get my own apartment. I really need to have some sort of goal to be working toward, but there really isn’t any further for me to realistically go from here. So I didn’t really have any sort of negative emotions upon being diagnosed, but still have plenty of depression, frustration, resentment, and feeling like nothing but a burden because of what I can never have at least in part because of my autism. I get very jealous of people who claim their autism is anything besides a disability, it undeniably is for me and I would barely hesitate to be rid of it if I could.

Wow, long post :oops: Essentially, yes.


Yeah I also have only had quite "lower tier" jobs, and even some of them have been hard to handle. Right now I'm working in a mail room (full time) but the stress from it (I think the autism makes me stress a lot easier than others) has given me a new chronic health problem that I've also been fighting, but I have to work or else can't afford to live at all. I guess my goal is to try to find a job somehow that will not leave me so stressed and burned out. Yeah I would love to not have this and just not have it be such a road block in my life. That would be amazing. If I didn't have my husband to help me navigate life in general, I honestly don't even know what would become of me.


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29 Jul 2021, 11:23 am

I do not have sadness over it. I have a lot of mixed (and exhausting) feelings about it. I am on a bit of a rollercoaster of feelings regarding things, but then...I am awaiting a diagnosis, so that contributes a lot to what I am going through.



Blueberry_Muffin
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31 Jul 2021, 7:37 pm

I sometimes feel sad about it when I'm depressed. When not depressed, it doesn't bother me at all. I can't wait to become even older because it becomes easier to embrace with age for me personally.



Jonfon
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01 Aug 2021, 4:35 am

Getting my first unofficial diagnosis in my mid thirties was a relief in that I could finally understand what was wrong to me and explain to my family, who had never accepted that I "couldn't just be normal".

As the Euphoria wore off I realised that there wasn't a cure and that, despite being diagnosed, things would not change. I still struggle with coming to terms with that every day. Sites like this, as well as podcasts and videos by other aspies do help but they are no replacement for real, loving relationships.