The type of people to blame for aspie loneliness

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P.S. I wasn't asking the people that ignored me. I was asking others about the people that did. How well they know these people? That ranges. On one end of the spectrum, I was asking the person that leads a Bible study as well as a couple of members that go there, about people at the Bible study other than them (no naming names, just "in general"). On the other end of the spectrum, I was asking people who never met me in person and don't know any of the people I am talking about. Then also there were times when I was asking people I met few years ago, at a different university, about the people at a current university. And finally I also been asking people about others at that same university whom they might or might not know.

For case 1, okay, so they are ignoring you, but you're also ignoring them since you don't say anything, either. So, if you think they're being rude for ignoring you, then you're being equally as rude by ignoring them. No one's obligated to talk to you, not even the ones that are talking with others. Besides, those others that do get talked to have likely put in some effort to get others to start a conversation with them, like starting a conversation themselves. Also, when they don't say hello, have you said hello first? Generally, if there's lots of people in a room and one new person steps in, it's easier for the new person to call out a hello and then for everyone else to acknowledge it at that point. Although, in places like university classes, not all people know each other, so I'm pretty sure saying hello when someone new comes in isn't even a thing. At least, it's not here. Things might be different in USA, though, but I doubt it.

Case 2, cashiers aren't robots. They're people, and they could have bad days, be spacing out, be out of voice due to a cold, or they could be thinking that you're still wondering your order. And it's not like they ignore you every time (or that's the impression I got from your post), so it's highly unlikely to be personal.

For 3, if you know it's rude, you should not do it, or at least avoid doing it as much as possible. It's a little rude of those people to ignore you, but they aren't being as rude as you are, especially if you don't know them at all. As for if they'd ignore anyone, there's really no way to know for sure, so better not to dwell on it too much.



It doesn't really work like that in that kind of situation as far as I know. With that random net dude, you only ever talked with about one subject, right? When the subject is limited like that, it's only natural that the conversation dies out after the information has been exchanged. If you'd talked about different things with him, and on more than fact level, as in including things like hi how are you and questions about him as a person, done that several times and he'd never started a conversation with you even after you'd done that a lot, then it'd be a bad sign.



My bad. You said:



So due to that, I assumed that you were mad that they didn't reply to you when they saw you weren't a suitable partner because you might've still been a suitable friend.



You're probably right. So, you should work on those. So talk to people, practice small talk. Make the first move. Or perhaps read books on social skills, or take some courses. I would guess that cities big enough to have an university would have some kind of classes for that sometimes.



Possible, but it is also said that a lot more men than women use dating sites. If this is true, then it's very likely that the dating site(s) you're using have more men than women, right? If this is the case and there's, say 1/10 female/male ratio, then that doesn't necessarily mean that the nine who don't get attention are on the very bottom, but that they simply aren't on the very top.

As for real life, some areas have more men than women, and some more women than men. Statistically, if you're in an area that has more men than women, you will have a harder time finding a partner than you would if you're in an area that has more women than men. Also, even if you are in an area with more women than men, you should note what is the age of most of those women. If majority of them aren't in your age range, then statistically, the ones who are in the age range of those women have better chances at finding a partner than you do. And I'd guess that in a university city, most single women (and men) would be in their twenties (unless it has lots of elderly, but they aren't in your target group anyway so we can ignore that), which narrows down your chances since majority of people of that age wouldn't want to date someone of your age.

Also, one thing that applies both online and IRL is that, statistically, the more people you approach, the more chances there are that someone will be interested in you. If you never approach people, then that in itself will make your chances slimmer, both in the light of statistics and in practice.



Okay, so there are lots of variables here. When it comes to the bible study leader, if they didn't answer, it could be because they feared you'd cause trouble in the bible study if they said something wrong. Or something similiar.

As for asking people who've never met either you or the people who ignore you, how in the world would they know why you were ignored? It would be no wonder if they ignored a question like that, especially if you haven't talked with them a lot.

In any case, this also comes down to your bad social skills. Starting a conversation with someone you barely know with "why does this person ignore me" and making a conversation just about that is something you simply shouldn't do. Making a topic about such a subject on a support forum like this would be fine, but bombarding a random person who had nothing to do with it with your problems out of the blue? Don't, just don't. And if you complain to someone you do know better, make sure to ask how they're doing, too. Don't make a conversation just about you and your problems.

Well, I am ignoring them because they are ignoring me. I don't want to feel unwelcome.

Besides, during the Bible study itself, I do contribute sometimes. But oftentimes the things I say get ignored as well.

So lets put it this way:

a) Before Bible study started or after it ended, I am sitting around quiet waiting for them to talk to me, and nobody does

b) During the Bible study I actually contribute to the Bible topics, yet the things I say get ingored.

Now if you put these two things together, what conclusion would you get?



I don't know how it is in Finland, but in America they have very large classes for first and second year students, but then 3-rd, 4-th year classes are typically much smaller, and graduate classes especially are small. So in graduate level classes they all know each other and they do talk to each other.



I know they aren't obligated, but that is precisely why it matters so much. When people do to me what they are "obligated" to do, that doesn't show that they like me as a person. But if they do something beyond what they are obligated to do then it does. So the fact that my interaction with other people is limited to them doing their job, that shows that they don't really like me around. Which is what I find so frustrating.



They talk to other customers, just not me. In fact I remember cases when it happened that cashier was super chatty and I was thinking to myself "okay since she is that chatty with everyone, maybe I will get some little bits and pieces of it to and then -- since I am so desperate -- I can lie to myself that someone likes me after all". But nope. She wasn't chatty with me either. Not even after she talked to other customers for like over 5 minutes.



Okay there were other situations where people pretended not to hear what I was saying. Its just that I couldn't really say anything because you keep asking me whether it was me who initiated the conversation or them, and I honestly can't tell. Because if its them initiating the conversation then I doubt they would avoid my answer. And I don't initiate conversation that often either. So I really can not reconstrue what happened (other than the above example which is a bad example).

But, leaving the question of who initiated the conversation, here is a pattern that I see a lot. Oftentimes people pretend not to hear me and act as if they don't understand my Russian accent. But there is a correlation between them looking down at me and them not understanding my accent. Which makes me whonder whether

a) they look down at me for having an accent

or

b) they look down at me for other things and then use an accent as an excuse to avoid me

So the example when I was asking prying questions, that was "b".

On the other hand the example more similar to "a" is when I talk to someone on a flip phone and put a finger in such a way that they don't hear the sound. They say "its muffled". But the way they say "muffled" sounds very degrading.

So lets put two things side by side. If I say something rude then they pretend not to hear me. If I make it hard hear, then they act rude. So them being rude and them not hearing me somehow goes hand-in-hand, and it really pisses me off.

I mean, if I am being rude, why not just openly tell me I am rude (like they used to back in the good old 90-s), why pretend not to hear? And if they genuinely don't hear me (like when I block the phone with my finger) why not say it politely, why be so rude about it?



I just searched for the statistics of the dating site I am using, http://www.christiandatingforfree.com and it turns out that itis 55% female 45% male. I found it at the following link https://datingmentor.org/christiandatingforfree-review/ and here is what it says



I then decided to look at other sites, and in a lot of them the situation is similar, as you can see in this link https://www.datingadvice.com/online-dat ... ale-ratios No I wasn't using any of the sites listed in that link, but I remember I used some other dating sites many many years ago (which are no longer around) so I guess I could assume their stats might be similar.

And like I said, on the dating sites I am the first to send messages (its only in the real life when I don't). And I still get ignored.



Actually in most cases they did answer. But the issue is that they never started conversation with me themselves.

Remember, the whole reason I brought it up is that you mentioned that it is a bad sign if I repeatedly start the conversation yet the other person doesn't start one themselves. So I said this is exactly what happens over facebook. Then you asked me what topics I talk about over facebook, so I told you what topics: complaining about being ignored in real life. But back to what you asked me earlier: as you see I DID repeatedly start conversation over facebook, yet they never started one with me.

In case of a), it's more natural than not that if you never speak to anyone, they won't speak to you, either.

As for case b), there could be several reasons as to why they don't comment on what you say. One could indeed be that they don't like you as a person and don't want to talk to you because of it, but other possible reasons include things like:
- You making your point so clear that they have nothing to add to that or questions to ask. If you see several people nodding along when you explain your stand, then this is very likely.
- You making your point so unclear that no one understands what you're getting at, but no one wants to be the one to admit out loud that they don't get it 'cause they don't want to seem stupid.
- You doing the very common aspie thing where you have a really long monologue about something, like you're having a lecture. To my understanding, this should be not done in groups where several people discuss things and communicate, the reason being that one person talking a lot instead of many people conversing is more like a lecture instead of communication between people, so doing so might make things too awkward and they don't want to talk to you in the fear of you starting another monologue if they ask questions. Or they could fear that commenting your monologues will encourage you to do them more often.
- The things you say not being interesting to them, so they don't comment on it because it's not a subject they're interested in talking about.
- Perhaps the problem is not originally you but the subjects you choose: if you talk about whatever things in the bible in ways that are against other people's way of understanding bible, they might not want to talk about it to not start conflict. If this is the case, it could also explain why they won't talk to you before or after the group: they might not want to risk your views clashing. Of course, if you choosing an awkward topic happens a lot, then that could lead to people not liking you and ignoring things you said precisely because it's you.

As for the conclusion of a and b, I'd say that while them not liking you is an option, them not knowing what to talk about with you is likely as well.

But like I've said, work on your social skills. And like I've said, that includes approaching people.



Actually know each other or simply know names and have "oh that one's in my class" -type of knowledge? The difference is huge. Anyway, maybe we should ask from someone else who has gone to an American university if it's common for people to ignore a new person who enters the lecture hall if the person's not the professor. My guess is that yes and that if people greet someone, it'll be friends, the people they actually know more about than just name and class.



Do you pay attention to who starts these conversations, the cashier or the customers? If the customers, then it's pretty clear that the reason the cashier doesn't chat with you is that you don't start the chats. There's also the chance that the other customers you've seen have been the cashier's friends or the like, which would also make it natural to chat with them and not you.
And if there really is something about you that keeps them from chatting with you, let's try to figure out what that is. Do you still have trouble with personal hygiene and such? Or did you still have those troubles at the times where your examples are from? People generally want to cut the conversations with people with bad hygiene very short. Could it be that you look angry, due to being desperate or for some other reason? If yes, then it's also natural that people would want to cut things short. People tend not to like dealing with angry strangers.
I suggest that next time you wait in a line for a cashier, you'll keep an eye on these things. Check who starts the conversation. Pay attention to what they talk about; if it's personal stuff, they probably know each other. If it's about weather or what was bought or some other small talk, then that's unlikelier.
Oh, and one point I almost forgot is: how old does the cashier and other customers look like? Are they clearly in a different age group than you? Some people are simply much more comfortable with talking to people their own age. Also, if we're talking about some university cafeteria, they might be mistaking you for a professor due to your age and won't talk due to some social hierarchy reason.



I read the other parts above this a few times but couldn't understand what you meant, so I'll just put that aside for now. Maybe I'll understand it later. Anyway, for this part: as far as I know, according to social rules, it's rude to bluntly point it out when someone is being rude, especially among adults. In the 90s, you were a teenager or young adult, and social blunders tend to be more acceptable at that age, so maybe that's why they told you then but not now. Or it could be that the social rules were different where you were back then and where you've been afterwards. Or, well, didn't you come to USA in the 90s? Maybe you were told you were being rude bluntly back then because people thought you wouldn't understand subtle hints due to a language barrier. This one's nothing but a guess, though.



Huh, that's interesting. Although, some do say that a lots of female members on dating sites are "bots", as in fake members that are only there to make the site seem more attractive, so maybe that explains some of the ratio? Even some that you have messaged might've been bots, actually.



Yeah, and like I said, it's a bad sign if you repeatedly start a conversation with someone you do know (the jail talk guy not counting since you only ever had that one specific subject with him) and they don't answer. So there's clearly a problem. These conversations you start, from what I understood, are mostly about your complaints and worries, right? That's what I think the problem is. When all someone does is complain, sooner or later people just tend to get enough of that person. They definitely won't message first because they don't want the conversation turn in to whining, especially if they themselves have nothing to do with your problems, and it's not surprising at all if they stop answering your messages at some point, too. What you can do about this is to complain less and to fewer people. Start starting conversations about positive subjects with people, if you know what they like then those can be good subjects, and see how it goes. Something like "Hi! The weather's been great lately. How have you been doing?" or some similiar small talk could very well be a good start for small talk, both IRL (with people you know) and online (with people you've talked to before.) Though of course, people you've complained to before might ignore such messages too because they don't want to deal with it in case it turns in to complaining as well.