I wish so hard that I was NT

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I wish I never had Asperger's syndrome. It sometimes makes me panic, like I'm trapped. I feel like I'm born with the wrong brain, and that I'm NT underneath which is why I seem to be the person on WP who gets the most angriest about being on the spectrum.

It's no good saying "you are what you are so just accept it" because try saying the same thing to a person who feels they were born in the wrong body (a male in a female body or vice versa).
But I can't just up and get myself undiagnosed because sadly there's too much evidence that I am on the spectrum even though I lack a lot of the classic symptoms. I mean, what allistic could possibly be as lonely and socially clueless as I was when I was a teenager? In fact I think I was more lonely and socially clueless than the average teen with Asperger's syndrome. Well, I don't know if "clueless" is the right word but I was dreadful at making and keeping friends at high school. Making and keeping friends was a piece of cake when I was little - in fact I think I was LESS socially awkward as a child than the average child with Asperger's syndrome.

OK I'm not even feeling depressed but something I saw on Facebook has triggered this hatred of my brain thing. Venting it here does actually help, so please don't criticise me for doing so. This is the haven.

I care, too.

But it is good to have perspective.

Having Asperger’s only is a heck of a lot better than having many conditions.

It’s not a catastrophe to have Asperger’s. It’s not something to be ashamed of.

I’m sorry you’re feeling bad.

There's not much information on the internet for adult people who can't accept their diagnosis, only for parents of recently diagnosed children. I'd like to know if there are others who feel the same way I do, who were diagnosed in childhood.

Also...I don't want this thread to die... *sheepish expression*

It's unfortunate that there really aren't too much services for adults with Asperger's-type autism. Many are left to fend for themselves.

I feel there are quite a few people who don't like that diagnosis. And some are probably ashamed. There's nothing "wrong" with being ashamed. But I just don't believe one should be ashamed of that diagnosis (or any diagnosis, really). All people are good at some things, and horrible at others.

Keep the thread alive. If you're irritated by your diagnosis, do post.

I've been "some sort of disorder" since I was very young. I'm probably too used to it.

What sort of Facebook post triggered this self-loathing?

You don't have to be descriptive. If it is what I think it is, I can sympathise.

It's partly why I cut myself off that site. Without it, I feel more wholesome in myself, as the overload of information, as well as polarised opinions (often spiteful and toxic in nature on both sides), would wreak havoc on my mental health.

Sorry to read you're feeling like this. It is indeed called The Haven for a reason.

Quitting Facebook would be a big loss for me. It has its good points as well as bad, and I belong to a few Facebook groups that I wouldn't like to leave.

Nobody's nasty to me on Facebook or anything, I just keep comparing myself to my cousin and I feel resentful because I have Asperger's and she doesn't but she should, because her mum might be on the spectrum and most parents on the spectrum pass their autism down to the children (there's enough proof of that here on this site). But although my cousin is socially awkward in some ways (like not being good at initiating conversation, often not joining in a group discussion, not being up with current trends, and being quite naive), she still seems to have more friends than I do so she must be NT if she has those socially awkward traits but can still make friends. I don't have those socially awkward traits, in fact I've come a long way and I've learnt to be almost as socially skilled as an NT I think, but I still can't seem to make friends with my NT peers and I get frustrated.
I just feel that autism is a very isolating thing to have, because no matter how well you can relate to people, how sociable you are, how much empathy you have, how many other essential skills you have like eye contact, how well you can pass off as NT, etc, etc, there's still a tiny piece missing that nobody can put their finger on but it's there, hindering your chances of making friends. It's a bit like having all the correct cables plugged into the correct slots in a fully functioning computer but one of the tiny little wires in one of the cables has snapped. Do you see what I mean?

^ Do read your post again.
But pretend that someone else posted this -- also pretend or at least read it through a lens as someone who do not relate or sympathize.

This is why I thought you're so attached to the ASD label.


It is one thing to be attached to the idea of wanting to be NT or at least being allistic.

But in the process you highlighted AS just as much, if not more.



I would never tell you to stop ranting or be upset about it.
That would just make the whole thing worse.

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Some people do still remember though. An old neighbour that used to live next door to us when I was a child were told of course, and they moved to the other side of town when I was about 12 and we didn't hear from them or see them, until I was 23 when I got a job at the same place where she worked. Then the TV sensation, Susan Boyle, was diagnosed with Asperger's and people were discussing her at work (you know, just casual celebrity gossip). And the woman that used to be my neighbour came up to me and started comparing me to Susan Boyle and said the word "Asperger's", like she remembered all this time that I
had Asperger's. I don't work there any more but now my cousin works there and her boyfriend, and this woman is quite a chatterbox so no doubt she's probably mentioned me having Asperger's to them. I didn't want my cousin's boyfriend knowing I have it, because I admire him and I want him to think I'm 'normal'. I don't want to be defined by my stupid label that I didn't even ask to get. I hate reading all these threads about girls not getting diagnosed or people younger than me just newly diagnosed or being evaluated for a diagnosis in adulthood. LIKE HOW THE f**k DID THEY GO ALL THROUGH CHILDHOOD IN THE 2000S WITHOUT THEIR AUTISM BEING RECOGNISED AND DIAGNOSED???
Really, they don't know how lucky they are.

Hmm, I don't know.

Anyone comparing me to anyone would be kinda make me feel awkward. Related to media and AS more especially.
At worst, I'd just scoff it off -- identifying 'myself' in any media representation is something I do not relate well.

While I understand the worry about any possible misperception of you because of the label, or the possibility of rumors affecting people's interactions and prospects...
Do you know how to dispell it?

Or tell that it is deem irrelevant -- especially if the comparison is from your teenage years old self, as opposed to the present.
Not to mention nick picking stereotypical traits from, say, awkwardness, apparent nerdiness and anxiety disorders.


As for the timing of diagnosis... I'm not sure...
Why do you think that getting a later diagnosis seems better?
Other than it meant being 'not actually severe enough to fall through cracks'.


I got noticed in 2000s out of sheer luck. By my Sped teacher. She was the only professional who was independently observing schools in the city back then.
Let alone got diagnosed right after. It could've been sooner if it weren't for financial issues.

If I had a wish related to being diagnosed earlier or later...
Is that I wished my parents were more understanding much sooner -- than a time when they wouldn't considered the fact that I might be ND.
I don't care if I got no services available or even a label then -- I wanted a wiser parent.

But to me now, it is merely just a wish -- with past tense. I cannot undo time.
So I just try to undo whatever unintentional damage they or anyone did because of that ignorance.

Had I got noticed that I'm not an NT much later... I don't know. I won't be one of those females who are relieved because of late diagnosis. I imagine myself likely worse than better. Either deeply troubled or dead before that realization.

Kinda why I also don't relate to wishing to be deemed as 'less severe'.
Because, well.. 'Autism severity' isn't something relevant to me.

Any 'mildly autistic' could be 'severely -- which ever severe trait or comorbidity; dyspraxic, alexithymic, or even ADHD or someone with more life disrupting anxiety...' would likely be noticed first than a 'more autistic' person without any of those.
I already come to terms that I'm very much the latter -- and maybe even proud of that fact.

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