Why People Date Jerks
RetroGamer87
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Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,970
Location: Adelaide, Australia
I wonder if this is done intentionally or not. You're supposed to present the best version of yourself on a first date. Is this deception? Do people plan to become jerks after the honeymoon phase or does it happen so gradually they don't even notice?
Does love bombing mean over the top displays of affection or just being nice on a first date?
_________________
The days are long, but the years are short
Sounds familiar.
_________________
"Donkeys live a long time. None of you has ever seen a dead donkey."
When I was last dating, I realized that the oxytocin released by sex was clouding my judgement. So I vowed to not have sex before marriage. This worked well to help me be able to end a relationship I grew to dislike a few months in. But then it failed when a woman and I became so attracted that we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
After marrying her and realizing she has BPD and an alcohol problem, I decided that if I ever ended it and re-entered the dating game I'd follow these rules:
(1) Never spend the night with someone until you've known them for at least a year.
(2) Never propose until it's been at least a year since you first spent the night.
(3) Never let an engagement be less than a year long.
These rules are based on the simple fact that it takes time to truly get to know each other.
Been there.
I have given up and just avoid the person wherever I can. He/she never learns and does the same thing over and over for literally decades.
And *I* am the bad one.?
What the hell can you do with someone like that but walk away?
That is why people need to hear both sides of the story and not jump to conclusions.
Well, I haven't studied the subject of "Involuntary Celibates", but I don't think they intended to treat women like objects in the beginning.
Their standards are probably too high, they are physically unattractive, or their social skills are hopeless.
Personally, I blame the life system.
The involuntary genetic coding bred into us as a result of the evolutionary process.
Most of how we feel isn't about social conditioning when we physically mature.
It is the primitive parts of the brain taking over as a result of the procreation mechanism.
And the sex drive in men is harder to control than in women, imo.
I was a woman in a previous life, so I know.
I don't see this statement as sexist.
There is a mountain of evidence that indicates women find it easier to cope with celibacy.
It is simply the way testosterone works as opposed to oestrogen.
There may be exceptions to the rulz, however.
If you know someone, tell me.
With me, it is caffeine.
I go nutzo on it.
"Jerks" can be dangerously charismatic. Self-confidence is an attractive trait to many people. But there are those whose self-confidence is founded on the belief that other people are just tools for them to use.
I think they are called narcissists, sociopaths and/or psychopaths.
I wonder if this is done intentionally or not. You're supposed to present the best version of yourself on a first date. Is this deception? Do people plan to become jerks after the honeymoon phase or does it happen so gradually they don't even notice?
Does love bombing mean over the top displays of affection or just being nice on a first date?
No. Sometimes people get really excited early on and are super affectionate, and maybe they take things a little too fast, but they do it out of genuine love, but that's not lovebombing.
Sometimes constant affection becomes a little cloying, and as a relationship settles, the affection is toned down a little bit, but the affection is still there and it's genuine. That's not lovebombing.
The key is what happens after the 2 people become a couple. If the partner becomes abusive or emotionally unavailable, then it's lovebombing. Lovebombing is when people do nice things just for the intent to gain their trust and then stop doing those nice things after they already "won the person over".
It's important that we don't devalue the word lovebombing by overusing it when it doesn't apply. So that when people are lovebombed and say that they are that it has meaning.
_________________
Because she had eight drinks before the ceremony.
_________________
What do you call a hot dog in a gangster suit?
Oscar Meyer Lansky
Because she had eight drinks before the ceremony.
<boom tish!>
nick007
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Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,129
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA
Because she had eight drinks before the ceremony.
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"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
"Hear all, trust nothing"
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition
nick007
Veteran
Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,129
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA
Does love bombing mean over the top displays of affection or just being nice on a first date?
No. Sometimes people get really excited early on and are super affectionate, and maybe they take things a little too fast, but they do it out of genuine love, but that's not lovebombing.
Sometimes constant affection becomes a little cloying, and as a relationship settles, the affection is toned down a little bit, but the affection is still there and it's genuine. That's not lovebombing.
The key is what happens after the 2 people become a couple. If the partner becomes abusive or emotionally unavailable, then it's lovebombing. Lovebombing is when people do nice things just for the intent to gain their trust and then stop doing those nice things after they already "won the person over".
It's important that we don't devalue the word lovebombing by overusing it when it doesn't apply. So that when people are lovebombed and say that they are that it has meaning.
_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
"Hear all, trust nothing"
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition
Try not to homogenize billions of people into 1 category. Women are different. Even if you aren't compatible with many of them, there still may be some NT women out there that you are compatible with.
This is not just a ritual. It's for good reason. You want to give the other person space to develop feelings.
Also, it's probably not a good idea to be majorly into someone early on. You may not know a ton about them or whether you're compatible or not. It's easy to create lots of premature expectations of what the person would be like as a partner without knowing.
This is not true. You can call the day after the date. These kinds of waiting games are artificial and immature; women can see thru it; this is the type of advice that weird seduction communities give out, but it's not an actual rule.
This is not true. Where are you getting this from?
[/quote]there just seem to be so many rules about what to do & not do that I'm not allowed to be myself.[/quote]
People who are compatible with you will love you. Those who aren't won't be. But you don't want to put out a fake version of yourself to try to make a girl into a version of you that's not real.
You should be yourself. By being less of yourself, you're less attractive to the people who will like you for who you are.
_________________
Try not to homogenize billions of people into 1 category. Women are different. Even if you aren't compatible with many of them, there still may be some NT women out there that you are compatible with.
This is not just a ritual. It's for good reason. You want to give the other person space to develop feelings.
Also, it's probably not a good idea to be majorly into someone early on. You may not know a ton about them or whether you're compatible or not. It's easy to create lots of premature expectations of what the person would be like as a partner without knowing.
This is not true. You can call the day after the date. These kinds of waiting games are artificial and immature; women can see thru it; this is the type of advice that weird seduction communities give out, but it's not an actual rule.
This is not true. Where are you getting this from?
People who are compatible with you will love you. Those who aren't won't be. But you don't want to put out a fake version of yourself to try to make a girl into a version of you that's not real.
You should be yourself. By being less of yourself, you're less attractive to the people who will like you for who you are.
Ummm, you yourself say you can't generalise.
Some women may find someone who phones or texts "too soon", whatever that is, "needy".
Probably most wouldn't, at a guess.
I doubt every woman would react the same way.
If someone is into you, I think she would want a phone call sooner rather than later.
And I should know.
After all, I have virtually no experience in dating. <humour>
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