I want a GF, but I cant find one, I dont know where to look

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ianmc405
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24 Sep 2021, 9:26 pm

hey everyone, new user here.

I am an 18 year old aspergian male, and I have wanted a girlfriend but I have struggled significantly in finding one. I have been looking for 3+ years, with 0% success. Being the fact that I have asperger's syndrome, I have social skills issues and I am also rather unique, which I totally am cool with, but I don't think finding an Neurotypical girlfriend would work. I would love to get to know more aspergians, both as regular friends, but also in search of a potential girlfriend. I am really passionate about computers and the New York City Subway, and I have always wanted to share that interest with someone I love. I once saw a piece of jewelry online that was made from a New York City Transit fare token, and it made me sad because I realized I had no one to give it to.

I guess my question is, where do people with aspergers meet other people with aspergers? How do I even start? is there a way to use the Internet to assist me with the process? if yes, how? or do I have to find people by extensive trial and error and lots of attempts at socialization (ugh)? How does this work?

any help is appreciated.



Mona Pereth
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24 Sep 2021, 10:54 pm

There do exist some dating sites/apps specifically for people on the autism spectrum:

- Uneepi (based in New York City)
- Hiki
- Disabled Mate: Autism Dating Club

I can't vouch for how good any of these are. Hopefully you'll find less superficiality there than on most mainstream dating sites/apps.

There also exist local support groups for adults on the autism spectrum. Some of these are run by professionals, while others are autistic peer-led groups. Look on Meetup.com to see if you can find any support groups for "autistic adults" or "Aspies" in or near Philadelphia, or in nearby parts of northern New Jersey.

Such groups tend to be majority-male, but if you stick around long enough you might find a compatible woman.

You should not join such a group just to find potential dates. You should attend such groups only if you find them worthwhile in other ways.

Also, note that all of the support groups I'm aware of are NOT, currently, meeting in-person, but only online, most via video chat and some via text-based chat. Hopefully at least some of them will be able to meet in-person again soon.

If you want more advice from us, it would be helpful if you could tell us more about your overall situation. For example, are you planning to go to college, and, if so, what will you be majoring in? Do you currently have a job? What is your longterm career goal, if different from your current job? What is your living situation like, e.g. are you currently living with your parents?

Also, do you have any other hobbies besides computers and the NYC transit system? What aspects of computers are you especially interested in?

See also my reply here in the thread Looking for a girlfriend in NYC.


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Muse933277
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26 Sep 2021, 6:33 pm

If you haven't started already, get exercise on a frequent basis. A lot of guys your age will go to the gym to try and get in shape. Working out at least 3 times a week and having a good diet is important!

The reason that taking care of your physical appearance is important is because the better you look, the less often you will get rejected by women. And if you get rejected less often, your confidence won't lower as much. It's easier to be "confident" when you're not getting rejected by 99% of women. Also, the better you look, the easier it is to attract women who are also attractive themselves.

Anybody can look better through exercise, but depending on your genetics and base level of attractiveness, you may be able to become really attractive if you get in really good shape. But regardless, anybody can look better through consistent exercise and a cleaned up diet; it's just that some people have more potential than others.



browneyedgirlslowingdown
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04 Oct 2021, 9:24 pm

I guess I would say maybe figure out why you want a girlfriend, and figure out why a woman you're interested in wants a boyfriend and go from there.

I have specific reasons for wanting a boyfriend, as there are things I want him to give me, do for me, be for me. So I used that to pick someone, and then I had to figure out and ask what he wanted me to give him, do for him, be for him. So far it is going well. For me the direct route has been the best route.

Good luck.


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Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


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04 Oct 2021, 10:53 pm

From what I’ve seen, the only Autistics who don’t have difficulty meeting other Autistics are those who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, due in part to the infrastructure already in place, from college/university clubs to gay bars/nightclubs, for LGBTQ+ folks to meet each other, and in part due to the high percentage of LGBTQ+ folks who are on the spectrum.

Us straight male Autistics really are the bottom of the barrel in the dating world…and people wonder why there are so many “incels” nowadays…


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Muse933277
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05 Oct 2021, 12:39 am

The truth is that there are MULTIPLE ways and "strategies" to go about getting a girlfriend. Some guys take the friends-first method which can sometimes work; other guys meet their girlfriend online, while others meet their girlfriend at a bar. There's all sorts of different ways you can go about dating.

I believe in the idea of playing to your strengths when it comes to dating. You should be pursuing women in a way that plays to your strengths and ideally, ignores many of your weaknesses. For instance, if you're not very attractive but fairly socially skilled and a naturally caring person, then Tinder probably isn't right for you because mainstream apps are 95% based on physical appearance. In this case, you're better off trying to meet women in real life where you can showcase your personality in the hopes that a girl will eventually like you and want to go out with you.


So a reason why dating may not be working for you is because you're pursuing women in a way that doesn't play to your strengths. It's up to you to figure out what your strengths and weaknesses are and then adjust your dating strategy accordingly.



Dox47
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05 Oct 2021, 12:43 am

I wouldn't get too hung up on finding another AS person to date, I've seldom seen it work, and it severely limits your options. Try OKCupid, I've had good luck there over the years, and just honestly describe yourself and what you're looking for, and fill out some of their questions (but not too many, that's a red flag for some people). Have a friend take some pictures of you and pick out the best few to use, and make sure you don't have any spelling or grammatical errors in you profile, those two things will already give you a leg up, and don't try to rush things, that's also seen as a desperate move and will scare women off.


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badRobot
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05 Oct 2021, 6:59 am

Muse933277 wrote:
If you haven't started already, get exercise on a frequent basis. A lot of guys your age will go to the gym to try and get in shape. Working out at least 3 times a week and having a good diet is important!

The reason that taking care of your physical appearance is important is because the better you look, the less often you will get rejected by women. And if you get rejected less often, your confidence won't lower as much. It's easier to be "confident" when you're not getting rejected by 99% of women. Also, the better you look, the easier it is to attract women who are also attractive themselves.

Anybody can look better through exercise, but depending on your genetics and base level of attractiveness, you may be able to become really attractive if you get in really good shape. But regardless, anybody can look better through consistent exercise and a cleaned up diet; it's just that some people have more potential than others.


Positive biochemical effects of regular exercise are way more important than appearance. It will take months or even years to make visible progress of appearance, but it will almost immediately untangle your biochemistry and improve your mental strength, make you happier, more outgoing and therefore more attractive.



badRobot
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05 Oct 2021, 7:12 am

Overall fixating on finding a girlfriend is counterproductive. Put effort into self improvement and just building and maintaining good relationships with others and you will meet someone on your journey. Don't be that person from the fable who refused to get into a boat expecting that god with save them. Don't miss opportunities to meet new people even when it doesn't feel like it will lead to finding a girlfriend.