Now 21, still not able to get a girl

Post Reply New Topic

This particular instance involves a girl who was in my 4th grade class 10 years ago and have had her on Snapchat for years now. About 3 weeks ago she posted a “HMU” on her Snapchat story and I jumped at it. We had a nice conversation. She asked me a couple questions and most notably sent me a picture of her and 2 of her friends.

Now is the time that I will mention that during this 2.5 week time period in which I though I had a chance in hell with her she went very long, sometimes multiple days worth periods of time where she didn’t even open the message.

A week after the first conversation, her and I chat a bit again. It’s then that I learn that her and I have a couple things in common. We both like driving around and we also both like the band Green Day. She’s also posted some stuff on Facebook that I relate to.

At this point I had planned on asking her on a date. Instead, it’s been more than a week now and she hasn’t opened my last message to her on Snapchat. I tried reaching her on FB messenger only to get the same results. The crazy part? She has been quite active on Facebook that whole time! I know this may have been questionable, but I had tried to text her twice on FB messenger. About 5 days apart from each other. The second time I intentionally did it when she was active on FB. Of course, that still didn’t work.

It had gone from wondering why her texting habits are that way to fully realizing that she is just not into me. Again. Her and I have those things in common and it’s still not enough. 9 years from now I’ll be posting “Now 30 and still can’t get a girl” at this rate.

You should not take one experience as the ultimate statement about how all your interactions will go.

She liked your company enough to engage in multiple conversations, just not enough to engage in as many conversations as you want to have, and seems to have gotten worried you were reading her level of interest wrong. So, she's making it more obvious that while she enjoys chatting sometimes, spending more time with you isn't a priority in her life. No spark on her end.

But she is only one girl.

Most people have to interact with dozens of decently potential partners before one bites and wants to go on a date. Then from those you do date, you'll have to go through even more dead ends before you end up with someone interested in a long term relationship.

What everyone wants or needs from a relationship is different. Sometimes a few things in common creates the spark, sometimes it doesn't.

Stay out there, stay willing to engage with people, and don't pin your hopes on any single one.

Perhaps she was just curious and wanted to get a feeling for what kind of person you were right now. Then probably when it wasn't quite what she expected she withdrew. Sort of just testing you a bit.

I had been rejected by almost a dozen women when I had reached 21. No need for discouragement.

You're learning, that's good. Rejection is still dating experience; it may not be the experience you want but it's still experience.

Here's the thing. Girls will RARELY directly tell you they're not interested in you. That means you're going to have to learn to read between the lines so you don't waste months or even years of your time on a girl who honestly doesn't care about you and is just using you for her validation.



Secondly, the dating experience that young men and young women have are COMPLETELY different. I'm assuming this girl is around your age and decently attractive. When she posted "HMU" on her Snapchat story, I bet you that she had at least 5, 10, or 20+ guys trying to hit her up, all with a high level of interest in her. Plus if she's on Instagram, Tinder, Bumble, she's got 50+ dudes trying to slide in her DMs. It's honestly insane how easy it is for girls to get matches and dates. As birdman once said, dating for hot girls is recruit level difficulty.

This is also why hitting girls up who you don't know on Facebook, Snapchat, or Instagram, is a BAD idea. Unless you're a solid 9 out of 10, and/or you've got 10k+ followers on instagram and are somewhat famous, you're getting ignored most of the time.




As much as it sucks, you're going to have to get outside and meet women in real life. You're young so if you live near a college, consider going to some of their college clubs. You'll meet some nice women around your age there but you're going to have to learn some social skills. For you, that's probably your best bet right now.

Were you held back a grade or two?

Most people in the 4th grade (in America) are 9 or 10 years old.  10 years later, you would be 19 or 20.  You are now 21.

My reason for asking is that she may not have been looking for someone whose education lags behind her own.

Christ on a bike dating is such a minefield. I just had to look up HMU. Hit me up.

It just seems so easy to get loads of potential dates, followers or fanciers etc.

Can't people just go to a club anymore and see someone they fancy and have a face to face conversation.

Trust me pal you're not missing out on much. If she has got as many men as someone in an earlier post suggestsed then she's probably riddled with std's.

OP, I’m four years older than you and have also never been on a date. I have a bachelor’s degree, (admittedly low-paying) job, and driver’s license. I do still live with my parents though.

You’re still young yet, while I’m starting to feel like I’m running out of time before I will no longer get to experience dating/a relationship as a young adult…

I’m also pretty sure I’d have difficulty in a relationship with an NT due to all the little social nuances and stuff us Autistics have difficulty picking up on.

Only if you're a woman or a really good looking man. Average and below average looking men are the ultimate losers of modern day dating apps. It's a big reason why the sexless rate among men has gone up, while it's stayed relatively the same for women.





The need for love, sex, and companionship, is an innate desire that can simply not be turned off ESPECIALLY for a 21 year old male who's in his sexual prime. Asking a young straight man to stop caring about women is like asking a fish to stop swimming in water.





This could be a viable option and may be his only way out of inceldom; but it really depends on his level of looks, his level of social skills, and the type of women he's pursuing.

If he's objectively below average with trash social skills, then talking to the 10/10 sorority girl at the club, will probably not go so well. Iv'e been out before with female friends and iv'e seen it happen (and no i'm not interested in any of them)

OP would stand a better chance pursuing women closer to his level of attractiveness, who may be shy and awkward themselves. Also, avoid women in large groups because they tend to stick with their "girlfriends" and may close off from other people, and especially guys, who try to get in their circle. You're better off talking to a girl who's by herself.

Evidence, please?  It seems as if men are more likely to complain about lack of sex than to actually do something about it (unless they do something violent, of course).None of these are necessary to sustain an individual's life; thus, they are not "Needs", only "Wants".

Good grief, this obsession with how a man looks, his bank account, and this algorithm to meet women is too much. As a woman with quite a few female friends, all of varying ages, attractiveness and single/not single status, not one of us is as focused on any of these variables as I hear online, not even close. You know what we are interested in? An emotionally supportive, loving partner who takes on his share of life responsibilities and is a best friend.

Some advice my awkward, shy, autistic, (He has been married 8 years and has 2 children) male friend gives to his friends is this:

To approach a woman, just tell her hello, and have a conversation. It is like friendship, you two will like each other and want to talk more, or you won't. If it isn't mutual, go talk to another person. Worst case, you'll have a nice group of friends, and lots of social interaction practice, and maybe even a potential partner.

By 10 years ago I meant the 2010-2011 school year. I was born in August 2000, so I was among the oldest of my class. My birthday would always be a few weeks before the start of the school year, then all my peers would have their birthdays sometime during that school year.

I have a cousin who was born in April 2000, but he was a grade above me. Btw, he now has a girlfriend so this whole not being able to find a girlfriend thing has recently hit closer to home for me.

Problem is, I'm not doing college.

Not sure what it is like anymore but 20 years ago I was able to just hang out on campus and go to clubs even when I wasn't enrolled in classes at the college. If you're the same age-range no one will think anything odd of it.

(Unless you need a student ID to get on campus now. Like I said i dont know if this has changed.)

Yeah OP, you don't actually need to be enrolled at the college in order to hang around campus, and even join some of their clubs.

And I'm telling you this based on personal experience. In 2018, I was involved with several college clubs despite not being a student there. You don't even have to tell people you don't go to school there, they'll just assume you are a student.

Here's another thing OP, you need to learn how to cope with rejection. I get it, rejection sucks. It's a bruise to your ego and your self-worth as a human, especially if it keeps happening repeatedly, but you're going to have to learn how to keep going despite the rejection.

If you are a boxer, you can't be a boxer without getting punched in the face from time to time because that's simply a part of the game. Dating is the same way; you can't play the game of dating without getting rejected from time to time. So you have to learn how to take a beating and still keep going.

Let's break down dating and rejection by numbers. Let's say you're an average looking guy so for every single girl you ask out on a date, there's a 1 in 10 chance that she'd say yes. BUT, not every girl you're going to meet is single. Let's say hypothetically, 50% of girls are taken. So based on all of these numbers, you would need to meet around 20 girls you're attracted to in order to have a chance with one of them. And i'm talking about meeting women in real life, not through online.


Let's break down the numbers for online dating. Assuming you're using Tinder and you swipe right on everybody and get a 1% match rate, are attracted to 50% of your matches, and able to get 1 in 25 women to go out on a date with you, you would need to swipe on an average of 5000 girls in order to go out with 1 of them.