Worst misinterpretations of your motives?

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Jayo
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05 Nov 2021, 8:42 am

Wondering what the worst misinterpretations of your underlying motives or mindset were??

In more recent years, they're talking about the "double empathy" problem between those with ASD/HFA and NTs or "allistics" as they're also called... much of which is based on natural inclinations, preferences, and non-verbal communication differences between the two broad groups.

I've found that the worst accusations based on misinterpretations were usually in the realm of willful stubbornness, passive-aggressive behaviour or sarcasm... or "power-tripping" or control tactics. I didn't get these very often, but once in a while I did (pre-diagnosis) and it never made sense to me b/c I knew that I wasn't of that personality. In fact on one occasion in my early 20s a housemate just snapped at me, including an assault and screaming in my face b/c I was "deliberately pushing his buttons" and even me panicking and saying "what?? what did I do??!" and him having to tell me and then following it with "if you weren't aware of all that, and how it makes other people feel, then you're seriously f***d up" - I basically had to extricate myself from that situation, moving out due to fear and feeling unsafe. 8O

This was in the 90s. I also had a short-term girlfriend who accused me of doing passive-aggressive power plays and again I had no frikkin' clue why she would say that. Going to therapy helped me deal with some of the fear and consternation of the fallout, but in addressing the root cause rather than symptoms I just got lame layperson advice from the "specialist" like "if you're not sure if something's OK (or not OK with them), then ASK" or "you need to pay more attention to what they're NOT telling you". :roll: :( :x

But I digress...

At least, in the workplace, I don't recall having gotten serious misinterpretations that culminated in harm. I just recall in the late 90s (pre-diagnosis in 2001) that I was called rude and let go early on from one position during training.

I find that when people assume the motivations above (e.g. P/A behaviour, sarcasm, obstructionist or disgruntled), it's more based on their legitimate perceptions...however false... i.e. they may have noticed that we had certain negative body language like hunched shoulders or head down, mumbling and such which could signify that "internal state" - but the reality was that we felt so beaten down by a society that doesn't meet us halfway, that refuses to try to understand is and that the burden to get along is disproportionately on US. Or that we felt a sense of dread at when the next misunderstanding or consequence was going to occur. Yet many if not most of us still persevered without the sarcasm or deliberate obstructionist motives.

Whenever people made really egregious accusations of motives or mindstate like pedophile, mass shooter, drug-user, or gay or drunk etc., I never took THOSE seriously - I viscerally knew those were just unwarranted bully tactics to make me feel bad. They'd obviously conjured up some silly stereotype in their warped little mind and tried to figuratively beat me over the head with it. All you can do is dismiss the absurdity of those, and if need be, just remind them to be careful of what you say to who without evidence, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of a civil lawsuit :)



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05 Nov 2021, 8:57 am

Saving a child from being run over, and then being accused of assault, kidnapping, and child molestation.



Ettina
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05 Nov 2021, 10:23 am

A person on this forum misinterpreting "I'd rather deal with a nonverbal kid who wears diapers than a kid who's deliberately malicious" as meaning that I think nonverbal kids who wear diapers are deliberately malicious.



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05 Nov 2021, 10:38 am

Nothing singular and major.
Nothing like one time thing and had escalated.

Everyone thought I'm a rude and shameless with no manners, who deliberately make mistakes to spite people.
Because how could I? I did it well and right yesterday/last week/in the past, etc.

In reality... It was one of those days.
I'm clueless, overwhelmed and I'm bored and forgets things and half the time confused.
And definitely do not want to bother anyone with whatever this is, that it annoys me more than it annoys them.


Although mostly minor, it's ridiculously repetitive.


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theprisoner
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05 Nov 2021, 10:51 am

Fnord wrote:
Saving a child from being run over, and then being accused of assault, kidnapping, and child molestation.


Poor fnord, i feel sorry that you have to go through that. My sympathies for you ordeal. I hope you name is cleared now. And they look at you for what you are, a true hero. It's just so terrible when a person misinterprets your motives.


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MaxE
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05 Nov 2021, 10:54 am

Jayo wrote:
Wondering what the worst misinterpretations of your underlying motives or mindset were??

In more recent years, they're talking about the "double empathy" problem between those with ASD/HFA and NTs or "allistics" as they're also called... much of which is based on natural inclinations, preferences, and non-verbal communication differences between the two broad groups.

...

This is about as good a depiction as any I've seen of the experience of an undiagnosed, "high functioning" male on the spectrum whose symptoms are not primarily due to sensory overload.


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Jayo
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05 Nov 2021, 12:45 pm

Edna3362 wrote:
Nothing singular and major.
Nothing like one time thing and had escalated.

Everyone thought I'm a rude and shameless with no manners, who deliberately make mistakes to spite people.
Because how could I? I did it well and right yesterday/last week/in the past, etc.

In reality... It was one of those days.
I'm clueless, overwhelmed and I'm bored and forgets things and half the time confused.
And definitely do not want to bother anyone with whatever this is, that it annoys me more than it annoys them.


Although mostly minor, it's ridiculously repetitive.


Ah, the good ol' confirmation bias. "You did behaviour X in the past, ergo you're expected to do it again and again without error. We want to believe that's your normal like the rest of us, and any deviance means that you would be mentally ill, which doesn't fit our preconceived notion of humans."
8O :x



Jayo
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05 Nov 2021, 12:47 pm

theprisoner wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Saving a child from being run over, and then being accused of assault, kidnapping, and child molestation.


Poor fnord, i feel sorry that you have to go through that. My sympathies for you ordeal. I hope you name is cleared now. And they look at you for what you are, a true hero. It's just so terrible when a person misinterprets your motives.


Yeah, that really sucks!! People being viscerally cynical like that, just to suit some latent desire to persecute.

Kinda like the riff-raff Jack saving first-class Rose from diving off the bow of the Titanic, and the upper crust immediately accuses him of being an attempted rapist...



Fnord
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05 Nov 2021, 1:01 pm

theprisoner wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Saving a child from being run over, and then being accused of assault, kidnapping, and child molestation.
Poor fnord, i feel sorry that you have to go through that.  My sympathies for you ordeal.  I hope you name is cleared now.  And they look at you for what you are, a true hero. It's just so terrible when a person misinterprets your motives.
Do not feel sorry for me. There were witnesses to what actually happened.  The kid's stupid mother did not want to take any blame for letting her child wander out into the street, even when confronted by the witnesses ("I'm not a bad mom!").



Joe90
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05 Nov 2021, 1:09 pm

Ettina wrote:
A person on this forum misinterpreting "I'd rather deal with a nonverbal kid who wears diapers than a kid who's deliberately malicious" as meaning that I think nonverbal kids who wear diapers are deliberately malicious.


She wasn't misinterpreting, she was twisting your words. She knew full well what you were talking about. She was just being a jerk trying to pick arguments with people.


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SharonB
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05 Nov 2021, 6:54 pm

I've been exploring the decades of misunderstandings between my sister and I. So often I was mute in response to her accusations and name calling. My sister thinks my life is charmed. When I say I have a difficulty she scoffs at me. Some particulars:
* My sister offering to help when I was physically overstimulated and when I melted down her thinking I rejected her (when I needed her help more than ever).
* My trying to kindly say goodbye to her friends or acquaintances and her accusing me of inviting myself into their lives or hers (when I was trying to be grateful of their parts in her life).
* My trying to emotional regulate under difficult circumstances and her being disgusted with my "over sensitivity" (when I was trying to be there to support her in the face of my personal difficulties).

I imagine she wanted a big sister who cared for her. Initially I was busy caring for myself (as I thought others would do for themselves) and then by adolescence I was busy failing to care for myself. :|

Recently she said she had tons of medical bills during a hardship of hers and I said I had tons of medical bills during my hardship too. My intent was to relate ---- "I understand". Her interpretation was that I was one-upping her. So that's probably the big one --- I am sharing information to relate and she thinks I am judging her. Ah, well.

Damn, humans.



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05 Nov 2021, 7:10 pm

Ettina wrote:
A person on this forum misinterpreting "I'd rather deal with a nonverbal kid who wears diapers than a kid who's deliberately malicious" as meaning that I think nonverbal kids who wear diapers are deliberately malicious.


Not all of them, just that one. :nerdy:


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05 Nov 2021, 7:14 pm

Being shamed, gaslighted, and ghosted by someone who didn't want to know the truth. This person attributed my comment to something entirely unrelated, which I didn't even understand or know about at the time because they spoke in coded language. It took me a year to put the pieces of that deranged, presumptuous puzzle back together, and realise I'd been played.



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06 Nov 2021, 9:39 am

Would this be an example or at least a related phenomenon (thread I created earlier): https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=400687&p=8878192#p8878192


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06 Nov 2021, 2:17 pm

There was a whole swamp of misperception by my ex, but one clear example was when I applied for welfare, as I had during the slow part of the year for me twice before. Another new social worker took my information, and asked me if I knew the birth date of my roommate, which I did. She had asked me to move in, and I had always treated her like a surrogate daughter, because she was 17 years my junior. The social worker assumed that if I knew her birthday, I must be a lecherous old man who should not get public assistance.



IsabellaLinton
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06 Nov 2021, 2:26 pm

I think there's a recurring theme here. Most of us are very honest but people don't expect that. They expect that we must be lying or acting in a self-serving way for some nefarious purpose when in reality we're just saying the truth.

In my case my flat affect can throw people off. They think I'm being sarcastic or that I'm cold (therefore, I must be self-serving). On the other hand when / if I do show a lot of emotion they think I'm being "histrionic" or overdramatic.

Either way it's very common to be misinterpreted.

Another example - When I first met my flatmate in Uni I was really shy and nervous. I said hello but didn't smile a lot because that's not my style. She told me at the end of the year that she thought I came across like a biotch because I had been blow-drying my hair and wearing a white robe. "You just looked like such a snob when I walked in. You were drying your hair and not smiling. You looked like a movie star in your fluffy white robe".

Um? So I guess we have to change our robe colours too?

I don't understand how to play this game.