Clarification: Masking vs socializing.

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It’s about to get real.

All I ever want, is to find ways to express kindness to every person; no, every creature, I encounter. I haven’t ever said that before but it’s been true for a very long time. The reason I’ve not said it before is that I was afraid. Just realized that tonight so I’m here rectifying the ‘not said it before’ bit. There are a million reasons why I’m afraid, here’s one to get you started. How many beers does it take the average joe before he thinks it’s a pretty clever idea to do something decidedly unpleasant to me? You know, and then cheerfully ask, “Express kindness to that! Ha!”

The truth is, that’s a big reason I mask. I started out in life as authentic as I could ever get. One by one, starting with my mother, every single person in my life rejected me. I changed how I presented to the world. People started accepted me. I kept changing and more and more people accepted me. But when the first person in life to abandon you is your mom, you develop abandonment issues. That issue, fueled by insecurity kept me changing, using people’s reactions to me as a guide to modify my behavior. And then – and this is the important bit; every time I tried a newly modified mask, I tried it front of people who had never seen me before and so, had no preconceived ideas about me. During the twenty-year period in which I made the most progress I was moving to a new address in a new city, on average, every seventeen days. My mask became way, way more, than just accepted.

I, who might just be the world’s champion introvert, was starting to attract people. The more people who allowed me to be around them was more opportunity for me to do something nice for them, no matter how small. If I were to speak the feeling I have about it, it might be: To act as an agent of kindness. I can’t do that if no one allows me around them. My fear was that everyone would leave me again if they saw anything resembling me so, just like Lowe’s, I never stopped improving (the mask). As I did, I got to serve my life purpose more and more. Eventually though, I always end up with people who so desperately need more kindness than a single person can provide. They take me hostage out of desperation, not malice. It doesn’t matter; I won’t leave while there was still hope, and where there is life there is hope.

So. A few things to know. I take my second round of meds at 10 a.m. daily. Because I’d be home about 10:15 a.m., I didn’t take them with me. Also, I do intermittent fasting and don’t eat till noon every day. Yesterday went like this:

8:15 a.m. – Started car to let it warm up because it’s cold outside.
8:40 a.m. – Remembered the car was running after getting distracted.
8:41 a.m. – Ran out the door to get to a PT appointment that I didn’t want to go to left behind my coat because the car is five meters away and it’s probably too hot in the car now. Also left my backpack with sensory objects, etc. because I’ll be quick.
8:57 a.m. – Arrive for 9:00 a.m. appointment.
10:00 a.m. – Appointment over, heads home.
10:08 a.m. – Car loses power and rolls to a stop in the most dangerous, most inconvenient place possible. I also discover the only place in my county that doesn’t have cell phone coverage.
11:53 a.m. – After walking until I found a place that had cell phone coverage, found a mobile auto repair and towing company. Was told they’d be there in thirty minutes.
12:04 a.m. – Return to my car to be yelled at by the police for ‘breaking down’ in an inappropriate place.
1:00 p.m. – Called mechanic back. Was told that he got busy; 45-minutes out.
3:31 p.m. – Received text: “Did you still need a tow we’re just barely caught up?”
3:32 p.m. – Responded, “Desperately. I need medication that is at my house. Nothing to drink, haven’t eaten today. Also, in a t-shirt, no coat, no heat, 39 degrees.”
3:36 p.m. – “Okay, we’ll be there shortly.”
4:07 p.m. – Police show up again. I tell them that I’m still waiting on the mechanic/tow driver. Cop tells me I’m a liar. Demands number, calls mechanic. He says he’s on his way. Cop tells me he’s going to push me off the road with his cruiser – runs my car into a cement barrier to prevent people from falling into ditch. Passenger side of car is destroyed.
5:56 p.m. – Mechanic shows up, tells me engine is blown. Hooks up car, brings me to my house so I can get the title and he takes car to dump – trading tow cost for scrap value of car.

During the nearly eight hours that I was waiting, my torn rotator cuff kept tearing more from the violent shivering I was experiencing non-stop. I lost track of how many distracted drivers came perilously close to hitting me before laying on their horn in annoyance. Four people took it upon themselves to throw a bottle or can out their window at my car as they passed. No heat, no water, no food, no meds, no internet service…and can’t afford to meltdown. Now the driver is here. “I’m sorry I was so late, why don’t you jump in the truck and warm up?” He hooks the car, jumps in and we head to my home. I know that I’m being taken advantage of here. I’ll buy that my car is toast, but scrap for the tow is not fair. I also know that I’m at his mercy. That said, since I first heard his voice on the phone, I’ve been collecting data on him. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Hispanic, mid 40’s. This is his business – he owns it, and has for ten years. His tow truck is painted with flames, and he has a picture of a low-rider in the truck. He is married and has an eighteen-year-old daughter. He has two items on his keyring that are noteworthy – a casino chip and a Catholic, patron-saint coin. You can make of that what you will, but this is how it influenced me.

“Sorry it took so long, we got slammed.”
“No worries!” I replied cheerfully, “I’m sure you got here as quickly as you could.”

Truth is, if it had been his daughter, I know he would have been there by 12:30 p.m. so I don’t believe that for a moment, but he did get here as quickly as he could, based on how low on the priority list as I was. There is a basic truism of life that I’ve discovered that says, “If you give people what they want, they’ll give you what you want.” He wants to stop feeling badly about making someone wait as long as he made me wait, especially when he discovered I had no coat. So, I let him off the hook. We drove to my house and I went in to get the title. While I was there, I grabbed a copy of a poker book I wrote, signed a copy and brought it out to him with the title.

“I saw your casino chip and thought you might like this,” I said handing it to him. He was shocked and stammered a moment before saying, “Hop in.” I did, and he said, “You know, I get a premium on junk cars. Let’s run by an ATM; I’m going to get you some money.” Fifteen minutes later, he was dropping me off at my apartment complex $200 richer. I asked him to drop me off at the front so he wouldn’t have as much difficulty turning around as he did when he went to my door, and went in through the lobby.

It’s after 6:00 p.m. on a Friday and the manager is putting up Christmas decorations in the lobby. Her weekend was supposed to start at 5:00 p.m. She’s new, but from what I can surmise, she’s doing this on her own time because she allows herself to be distracted much too often at work. She takes personal calls, gets caught up in gossiping, etc. Regardless, she probably doesn’t feel too good about being here this late – even if it is a situation of her own making. As I pass her, desperately wanting to get into my apartment, and shut the door and the world out, I stop.

“Clearly, you need a watch for Christmas,” I say playfully. She looks up. “You’re supposed to be home relaxing on the couch with some Kahlua-flavored eggnog about now. What in the hell are you still doing here? You can’t possibly like us that much,” letting the mirth in my voice trail off. She grinned. “Right? I’ll be out of here soon. You have a great night!” She’s new. She didn’t know me before this. I said what I said to bring a smile to her face, but I also know that she’s going to remember me. I’m betting my next maintenance issue will be prioritized because I made her smile and appeared to care. Twelve minutes later, a knock on my door and the manager is holding a fruit basket that was delivered to the office that day. She doesn’t do a lot of fruit; would I like it?

Actually, the manager’s behavior was pretty thematic. I try to bring a smile to someone’s face; they seek me out shortly thereafter. It took her twelve minutes to get to my door to return the favor. She did so because it gave her a good feeling, but she wouldn’t have gotten a good feeling giving it to me before I gave her a smile. So even though I’m not looking for anything – in fact, kind of the opposite, I’m looking to be left alone – but I bring it on myself. I know human behavior well enough to know this is coming, but I can’t help myself.

I was a professional poker player for twenty-four years and my first book was on no-limit. There is a chapter in that book entitled, “If you meet the needs of your opponents, they will meet yours.” I go on to say,

I tend to use intuition more than breaking people down into psychological parts, when I talk to them. But I generally know what type of personality I am dealing with & act in accordance with that, especially if it is someone significant in my life.

It's a bit of an unfair advantage really, since it is an effortless process when your unconscious mind informs your conscious mind of how to act (intuition).

I don't generally tell people how much money I have or don't have at any given time, because having money is a weakness. If people can rob you - they will try to rob you.

And yes, I have developed intuitive skills through exposing myself to very tough and sometimes terrifying situations'.

When you say you have spent 9 months in a cage - do you mean a metaphysical cage or a physical cage?

I thought of two salient points, since I last posted in this thread, that I'd like to add.

AngelL,

All of this is incredibly insightful. (Probably also reassuring to anyone with autism imposter syndrome over their high social skills - such as myself.)

I grew up moving constantly, in an incredibly socially and culturally diverse space, living for a few years in a red light district motel, and my parents split up when I was a young teen, so there is a lot I had to learn about people. I have a very polished public persona that inevitably lets people down when the mask cracks. That person has learned to never get bullied, to get jobs, to be taken seriously as an adult, to advocate for themselves, to build parity with coworkers in workplaces, to be relatable and safe to a lot of different people. But I'm literally running a resource intensive program in order to pretend I'm less impaired than I am, and it's all smoke and mirrors.

You also helped me understand my dad, who I thoroughly believe to be autistic, but... has this people-pleaser demeanor, this role he plays, that magnetizes people to him (but especially needy, lonely women), and I've had a hard time reconciling these two things. Your posts have made that a lot easier.