Okay well it’s Christmas. I had an okay night opening presents and stuff last night. I don’t want to bring anyone down tonight so I’m hoping people see this Boxing Day. But I’m lying here with insomnia thinking about how screwed up my life is. My psychiatrist doesn’t seem to give a s**t about me. He says lorazepam and abilify work great together. People have said he’s the best psychiatrist but that was only like 2 people. Anyway I have the hardest time taking a s**t on these drugs. How am I supposed to live like this. I think I have insomnia because I’m like addicted to lorazepam and can’t sleep without it. I have dreams of running away but where am I supposed to go. It’s well below freezing out. There have been some damn cold nights where I live. I have to pretend to be okay around my parents or I’ll get bitched and yelled at. Maybe even physically assaulted by my dad, as he has known to do, when I get upset and yell. I wish I could live in the states but I fear I’m too stupid. I’m too stupid to live in Canada as well apparently. I never know what to do to fix my screwed up life. I didn’t want to be alone on Christmas so I went to my parents place. They said they’d take me home after Turkey dinner but instead dad handed me a beer so I wouldn’t complain and I saw he was drinking already so couldn’t drive me. I want to go home. I thought life would be more than this. Being screwed up from psychiatric medication because mom always taught me to stuff down all my negative human emotions or I’d be in for it. I don’t want these guys help anymore. But what the hell am I supposed to do for money if I’m too messed up to work right now? Should I just give up and get put in a group home? Or should I run away to a different town and start life over. Maybe I just need to grow up a lot and pay attention and not let people screw me over like this anymore. My parents don’t even seem to care if I’m basically dying right now. Like I haven’t been well. This family kind of scares me, if I have to pretend to be okay. I’ve been trapped in this soul sucking town for a while now. Is everyone like this these days? Don’t know if I should run away from psychiatry because it obviously isn’t helping or what...
25 Dec 2021, 11:07 pm
