Got woman's number without even looking for one

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So I visitted my mom in California for the winter break, and now I was taking the train from California to Albuquerque. Two things I really enjoy doing -- but get to do it very rarely -- is jumpting off the train or a bus at random locations and exploring other campuses. Since I was returning back to school early (they wanted me to due to being a TA) I thought "here is my chance to do it".

So first the train stopped at Riverside. I decided to get off there, since UC Riverside is the worst UC there is, yet ranks about average in comparison to schools other than UC-s. Which makes it pretty funny that people are pissed they have to go there because they are comparing it to other UC-s, while it is certainly better than UNM which is where I am. They call UC Riverside "UC ret*ds" and "UC Rejects". So I wanted to look at that campus and see what its like. My brain made up some random picture of it (as it does of everything) but I wanted to see if it will match that picture.

In any case, there was a train conductor that was really pissed with some lady that didn't want to sit at her assigned seat (and no thats not the lady I will be talking about in this thread). So he asked me in a really angry tone "are you getting off?" Well -- unlike her -- I was not inconveniencing anyone: she wanted to occupy someone else's seat while I just wanted to get off. But I guess he was just tired of the whole thing. My first reaction was to look for some lies or excuses. So I said "is this riverside" (hoping I would find a way to make it as if I confused stops or something). He said "well yeah". Then I didn't know what to say other than to get right back on the train.

But then as an afterthought I realized I didn't have to look for any excuses. Instead I could have just told him the truth that I didn't realize it was going to stop at a college town when I was ordering the tickets and now that I see that it did, I want to look at that university. One weird thing about me is that when I do something that most people don't do, and am confronted with it, I am looking for some lie to justify myself. But why would a lie be any better than the truth? The only "weird" thing about the truth is that most people don't do it. The same would apply to any lie I would come up with. So just tell the truth then! So I decided that if it ever stops at any other college town, I *will* be getting off, because I know exactly what to tell the conductor: that I like to explore campuses and I didn't realize the train stops there when I was ordering tickets.

In any case, it stopped at Gallup, and I know there is UNM Gallup. So I decided to go ahead and get off. Thankfully, there was a different conductor this time, and he didn't even ask me any questions other than "are you getting off at Gallup", to which I said "yes" and that was that. Right before I got off there was a lady (different from the previous one) who said "I am not sure which door to get off". I said "I am not sure either". Then finally they opened one of the doors and we both got off. Then I asked her "where is the university", and she gave me the directions (she said it was 2 and a half miles up), and I started walking there.

But then her dad beeped on that car and let me in (by the way she looked middle aged -- probably around my age or a bit younger -- so I am not sure why she was with her dad). In the car I explained to them exactly what I was doing (so I am glad I had that conversation with myself a bit earlier -- otherwise I would have lied -- but I am glad that I didn't). I told them that I was returning to school to UNM, but when I heard that the train stops at Gallup and I remember there was university there I decided to jump off and look at one. I also told them I never been to Gallup before and I like seeing places I never been before -- particularly college towns. She knew the direction to the university better than her dad. So I asked her whether she went to this university. She said not this one but she went to several others, the last one being UCLA. So that is impressive. Although her major was arts rather than science.

But then she said something else that was a turn-off. She said "we are from science family" and I asked if any of them majors in science, she said no they just like to watch UFO movies. Well, being in humanities is not a turn-off no (although science would definitely be a bonus). But thinking that "science" is the same thing as being interested in UFO-s, *that* looks really dumb. But then again, at least she been to UCLA, so she can't be "that" dumb. So I don't know what to think. And then the other thing that is a turn-off is that her dad is Mexican and I am only interested in White women. I have nothing against *friends* of all colors, I just won't date them.

In any case, I didn't verbalize any of this. Nor was I upset either. Some converstion is better than no conversation. At the end of the ride her dad said "would you like to get his number so you can stay in touch". She said yes. We exchanged numbers.

Now I don't know what to feel. If I was on a dating site, then either one of the above-cited turn-offs would have been enough for me to lose interest to the point of simply not caring any more. But the fact that, for once, it was in real life rather than dating site makes me super excited this happened. Will I be interested in dating her? Probably not. But I am super excited to be her friend. It is definitely better than the "pity friendship" I talked about in that other thread (even though that other girl is white, and probably won't assume science is about UFOs). For once someone actually found me interesting rather than someone to be pitied.

By the way, I remember three years ago I met a woman on a dating site, but then I couldn't chat with her because of some train trip I was taking for few days, and the mention of that train trip to her. She got really interested in me ever since I mentioned it. Even though it never occurred to me that I would impress her that way. On the contrary, I was worried I wouldn't make it into the chat and the best thing I could do was to tell her why I wouldn't be there. Yet, surprisingly, it actually made her like me. But then few weeks later she lost interest over some fight we had (a different story).

So could it be that doing the things that I am trying to hide from people (like I was hinding it from the conductor earlier) are actually turn-ONS for women? And so I am self-sabotaging by hiding those things? Is THIS what they mean that women are attracted to confidence: that they like men that would do the things that most people wouldn't do, and wouldn't be ashamed of it?

Do you think I would meet more such women by going to such trips? Or maybe not. Maybe if I were to go to a trip "in order to impress the woman" they would be able to tell and would be turned off. And what turned them on these two times is precisely the fact that I *didn't* do it to impress them?

What are your thoughts?

Last edited by QFT on 06 Jan 2022, 5:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Establish a friendship with her.

They invited you in their car after a brief encounter?

I'm still kind of stuck on that part.

Yes they did. Their expressed reason as to why, is because they thought I would get lost otherwise. Since I don't drive, I was walking, with a big bag on the wheels and the backpack, it was supposed to be more than two and a half miles, mostly up, and I was going in a wrong direction (yes I asked her for directions but apparently I misunderstood since in the car they told me I started off in the wrong direction after she told me where to go). Her dad actually repeated a few times while I was in their car that he doesn't know how I would have made it.

I think whether or not it is done depends on where you live. Back when I was in Mississippi, quite a few strangers offered me rides. It didn't mean much as the interaction didn't continue past it. It was more like "something being done". It could be a combination of southern hospitality and the fact that it was a small village surrounded by forests that was safe.

Well right now in New Mexico the "southern hospitality" doesn't apply since US south really means southeast and New Mexico is in southwest. So I guess it is the part about it being a small town that is the same. Although I wouldn't say that Gallum NM is nearly as cosy as Oxford MS. But then again I don't have an evidence that there is crime either. I am new to town and I only rely on my senses.

I went to cafe, with that same huge bag on the wheels and backpack, and was asking the cafe employer (male) about the nearest hotels nearby, where to plug in laptop, etc.

There were two girls, both whites, who were glancing at me in a way that felt freindly and when I looked back they smiled. They were speaking quietly so I am not sure if they said something to me or no. I didn't approach them, didn't know how, although I regret it.

Do you think they were trying to start a small talk or no? I am actually not sure one way or the other.

In any case, I am thinking of few different theories why I seem to be better liked during this brief visit. Please let me know which one(s) if any you think are relevant. Or if you have some other explanation of your own?

a) if there is less crime in Gallup than Albuquerque that would explain why people are more trusting. But thats IF. Because I don't know the crime level at Gallup. I do know, though, that Albuquerque is very high crime.

b) When I was at my mom's this winter she arranged haircut for me so I look more neat

c) Since I never been here before, I haven't made myself a bad reputation yet. The reputation is a good question though. Logically, bad reputation can't spread througout the whole city. Yet my past experience confirms that people seem more friendly when I am new

d) The fact that I look like tourist while its not tourist descination made me look "interesting".

e) They think I need help so its not them liking me but them wanting to help me.

f) My mood is better when I am in a new place, and people are attracted to someone with good mood.

g) Gallup is smaller than Albuquerque and people are friendlier in smaller towns in general

h) Other (specify)

UPDATE: I called that woman and asked her for suggestions on things to see. She told me that her "friend" (who actually was her boyfriend but she didn't use that word) is more familiar with the area than her and gave me his phone number (its true: she came here from California a few years ago, while her boyfriend was born and raised here, although he spent few years in New York). Which makes me wonder why didn't she ever mention him during our first interaction and only mentioned him when I called few days later?

One thing I noticed is that she referred to him as her friend. But she wasn't trying to hide who he really is: it was obvious it was her boyfriend from the fact that he was clearly around plus he told me as much in our subsequent interaction few hours later. Maybe its a cultural thing. I also remember my former roommate referring to his girlfriend as his friend when it was clear she was his girlfriend and he told me that she was when I directly asked him. When I asked my former roommate why did he call her friend, he told me its common among Native Americans to talk that way. Maybe with this woman calling the guy her friend it could have been the same thing. Especially since this town is on the border of Indian reservation and most of the cultural things I see around here are Navajo.

But in any case, that guy (however she wants to call him) didn't come up until I made that phone call few days *after* she gave me her number. Which makes me wonder why did she give it to me on the first place without ever mentioning any guy around? But then again it was *her dad* who told her to give it to me. So perhaps her dad disapproves of her boyfriend. Or perhaps in small towns exchanging a phone number is the thing.

I did notice though that *before* I asked her about places to see, she acted as if she was going to have a nice conversation with me about nothing "just because". Only *after* I asked for places to see (which I did quite abruptly) did she suddenly brought up the boyfriend. So was she trying to cheat on him and then got less excited about cheating when the content of my phone call was something other than what she expected? But then why would she be so open with her boyfriend about her supposed cheating? Or perhaps they were both poly or something? Or, more likely, I am just reading "dating" into totally benigh situations cause I am desperate. But in any case, I am not poly. So, even if they were, I didn't miss out on much regardless.

The other thing I am wondering about is somewhat of the opposite scenario. Could it be that the reason she is so open about giving out her phone number is *because* she has a boyfriend? Because being able to point to her boyfriend is what prevents her from "leading someone on". But then again, in bigger cities nobody gives numbers just like that -- not even one man to the other. So maybe its a combination of both the fact that its a small town and the fact that she has a boyfriend?

In any case, her boyfriend invited me to his house. She wasn't there, but he was going to introduce me to one male friends of his and said we could play chess. He said he normally has plenty of random people in his house, so I envisioined a group of people and was surprised when it was just the two of us. The meeting of his friend didn't work out cause he was few hours late (he called it "Native American timing"). I enjoyed our conversations about politics and history for what its worth.

This was a studio where he works as a painter. He mentoined he used to live at a separate place from that studio but he was glad to finally be able to live in that studio. Although he mentioned that the woman was asking him to replace that semi-bed that he had with something else cause it wasn't comfortable enough for her. In that context I asked whether she ever sleeps there with him, and he said yes, from time to time.

But here is the question: it was late at night and she clearly wasn't there. So could it be that him being her boyfriend was a lie (kind of like single women say "I have a boyfriend" to the guy they don't like -- but in her case she asked him to put on an act to make it more believable)? Could it be that she was single, I turned her off by asking her about places to see too abruptly, and then she asked her "friend" (whom she doesn't date) to pull up an act as if they are dating? When I asked for places to see she said her "friend" will get back to me a minute later, which he didn't. When I called back in an hour, she passed the phone to said "friend", making it obvious they were in the same room. So did they purposely come to the same room in order to pull off that act?

I know you are going to say I should just take it at the face value and go with him being her actual boyfriend. But the question is: if he was her true boyfriend, why wasn't she there that night when he invited me to his place?

Also,why is it she was in a talkative mood "right before" I asked her about places to see but then she quickly brought the conversation to the end afterwords? If it was her "true" boyfriend, and they were both totally okay with her talking to me just as friends, why wouldn't she want to talk some more then? Thats why it makes me feel that -- regardless of their relationship status -- what ended the conversation was really my question. And if my question was "that" off puting, then would it "also" cause her to lie about her relationship status too?

As far as the other things I talked about in this thread, my original impression that "everyone" here is super welcoming turned out not to be completely true. I went to Adventist church this saturday morning and they didn't talk to me that much (although they gave me a ride back since it was 5 miles away from where I live). But then again, both that woman and her boyfriend *were* quite welcoming, and also some other people seemed a lot more open to conversation. But "some" is the key: some, not all.

All in all, I do still feel somewhat better here than in my usual place. But I don't think it would solve my life's problems either.

My current mission here is to walk enough streets of the town so that I can get a sense of what its like (as far as that university, its tiny, so I already seen everything there is to see university-wise). And no I am not doing it with her boyfriend or anyone else for that matter (although her boyfriend said he would give me a lift if I ever need one). I do it all by myself, which is good: I like walking by myself. It gives me the sense of freedom and allows me to explore things based on my own tastes and not anyone else's. But no, I never said it to her boyfriend: he didn't offer me any guided tours to begin with. Which is good: if he did, I probably wouldn't have had guts to say no. In any case, I already been to two of the ends of the town (I hope so! If the town actually continues beyond where I walked that sucks) so now I will try to get to the other two ends of town.

Keeping extending my hotel stay day after day gets costly. I just extended it one more time and then I will have to just get on that train and go to Albuquerque. So I better hurry up with whatever I am trying to see. I don't know how successful I will be. If I just wanted to see musums, then at least some of the key ones are in the downtown area, which makes it easy. But the thing is that I am more intereted in the geography of the town as a whole. And this town is really spread out from the point of view of someone without a car (although it would look really small for someone with a car). It can take a day to walk across it unless I walk fast and don't walk into coffee shops along the way (which I love doing). But like I said, I better hurry and make it in just one more day. I can't keep paying 50 dollars for the hotel every night indefinitely.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Today I got a text message from that girl demanding that I return the items that I stole from that guys house. Now, the way she referred to him is simply by name. Since I am not good at remembering names I had no idea whether it was him or not. I was wondering whether she accidentally sent me a message that was supposed to be sent to someone else who stole something from some other random person (well I later learned it *was* his name).

At the same time, however, I had an idea of where it could have looked suspicious. In particular, when I was talking to that guy, I was sitting and wasn't touching anything. But then when he had to go outside to smoke, I stood up and started looking through his books on the shelves. When he walked back in, I was "going" to sit down, but he said "feel free to look through my books" so I continued looking for another half a minute but then I sat and continued the conversation. Then when he went away again, I again started looking through his books. And then shortly after that I decided to test my blood glucose with a glucometer that was in my backpack (I feel too awkward testing my blood glucose in front of people so I wanted to do it while he was outside smoking). But then he walked in while I was testing so I quickly put a glucometer back into my backpack, so maybe thats where it looked like I was stealing something.

But in any case, the thing about glucometer didn't occur to me until just now. So back then I was assuming that it was just the fact that I looked through the books. And since it was a little bit of a stretch to accuse me from stealing based on just that, I was suspecting maybe she directed that message to someone else and accidentally pressed my button. Especially since, like I said, I didn't even know the guys name so whatever name she was using I had no ide if it referred to him or not (yes it did).

In any case, I called her, she didn't pick up the phone, so I left her a message. In that message I told her that I am not good with remembering names so I have no idea whether that name she mentioned is him, but if it is him, then I haven't stolen anything. The only thing I know is I was looking through his books while I was there but I didn't take anything with me (and no I haven't mentioned the glucometer thing, since like I said it didn't occur to me till just now). The only possible way I could have taken anything is by accident, in which case I would like her to tell me what are the missing items and I would look for them. But I am pretty sure my taking it by accident is unlikely too, so if anything is missing then most likely either someone else took it or he lost it. So I am pretty sure I won't find whatever items that are missing in my possessions. But she should tell me what those items are so that I could look, just in case.

Then immediately after that I called that guy's phone and asked him if that name is him. He said yes. I then told him about that text message that she sent me and repeated the same thing to him as what I told her (again, I *did* mentioned the thing about looking through his books but I did *not* mention the glucometer thing). He told me that he never thought I stole anything from him (he said thats not the impression that I made) and said its bizzare she sent me that message and that I should just ignore it. I then asked him whether he told her I was looking through his books. He said he didn't tell her that but, instead, he told her that I came with the backpack, and probably she decided that I brought the backpack in order to steal things.

Now on my end that was a lot more surprising. Because from my point of view looking through the books on his shelf without asking is inappropriate, yes; but there is nothing inappropriate about having a backpack with me. Now, my backpack is typically very large because I try to put there a lot more books than most people carry (my own books by the way, nobody else's). But I don't see how having larger than usual backpack would imply higher likelihood to steal. People can steal into small backpack too. Yet he said it was *only* about my having a backpack that set her suspicions, nothing else. Well right now that I remembered the glucometer thing I realize how the backpack played a role (I put glucometer into my backpack, and acted sneaky as I did that). But like I said glucometer thing didn't occur to me back then, and he didn't mention it either. So thats why I was puzzled what is so wrong with having a backpack and he never really answered it other than saying "she acted bizzare, don't worry about it".

I then told him that the reason I brought the backpack with me is because I have *my own* books in there (math and physics books) so that if I have to wait for something, or if I have some question popping up in my head, I can open those up. I was telling him in great detail when I open my books and when I don't. It seemed like he was just waiting for me to finish, without really paying attention. After I said all this he simply repeated that he knows I didn't steal anything so I shouldn't worry about it.

I then insisted that he calls her and tells her about my carrying math and physics books in my backpack. He said that he will. I insisted he does so now. He said yes. So then after our conversation was over I decided to wait for half an hour, to make sure he finishes that phone call, and then call him. So I did. He didn't pick up the phone. Then few minutes later I got another text message from her, telling me that I am "a stain on sacret western civilization" and then ranting about Russia and chemical bombs. I was about to call that guy again to tell him about it, but I got a phone call from him instead. So when he called me I immediately told him about that text message. He just told me that she acts bizzare and suggested I block her number.

As far as his conversation with her, he said that he tried to talk to her but she said she was busy and will talk to him in the evening so he will talk to her then and call me back. I told him that to me it is important because if she thinks I stole something, she might report it to police and I would be in trouble. He told me he knows her and she won't do it. However, the other thing that he told me is that sometimes she starts drama with other people too. In fact she mentioned that sometimes she starts drama with him as well, in which cases he blocks her number until she cools down and then gets back in contact with her again. But he is not the only person with whom she started drama. He said she started drama with others too.

He kept reiterating that he thinks I should just ignore the whole thing and block her number. He told me that whether or not I have a backpack is my business and I don't owe anyone any explanation. However, when I insisted that he tells her about math and physics books, he said he will. But it didn't sound like he really wanted to do it. He more or less said he will simply because I insisted. Although he said he will talk to her tonight and call me back himself afterwords.

In any case, do you think she has something like borderline personality, which is why she switched from being super-trusting (inviting me into her car) to paranoid (accusing me of stealing)? Or do you think she pulled it on purpose: as in she invited me into her car *in order* to accuse me of something at some point later? And do you think her boyfriend is a good guy, or do you think they purposely pull good cop/ bad cop on me? How do you interpret what just happened?

ANOTHER UPDATE: Even though her boyfriend said he will get back to me last night, he hasn't. I made a couple of phone calls to him, he didn't answer. Then, at around 8 pm, I decided to go to Denny's, and it was already dark. A couple of guys ran after me and were accusing me of something in a very aggressive manner. I have no idea what they were accusing me of. I asked "what is the problem". They told me they confused me with someone else, told me to relax, and went away.

I then was suspecting what if it was that woman who asked them to go after me (although neither of them were her boyfriend: her boyfriend is in his 40-s and they looked like they were in their 20-s). So when I was at Dennys I called 911 and reported to the police both the accusation of stealing as well as those guys. The police didn't think those guys had anything to do with that woman. They just told me it is a common occurrence in that area. As far as that woman, they just told me to block both her and her boyfriend. They said they were just "messing with me to see what they can get out of me", neither of them filed any police report and if they will hear anything they would contact me.

I didn't feel safe going back to hotel, so I spent the whole night at Dennys. As some of you know Denny's is open 24 hours. Although staff was lying to some people that it was closed. When I was going to leave they said I can stay as long as I want they are only telling its closed to the people that look shady. So thankfully at least Denny's people didn't find me suspicious, which is good.

By the way when I called police they asked me for my phone number and I didn't remember because it is a new phone: the previous phone got stolen around a month ago (and no, not by any of those people since I only came here few days ago) and it always takes me a while to learn my new phone number. Now, the police itself didn't give me hard time about it: they simply looked my number on the screen, asked me if it sounds right, and I said yes. But this reminded me of something else that might have made that woman suspicious. Back when she wanted to exchange phone numbers with me (at the very end of my first encounter with her) I told her I didn't remember my phone number and suggested I call her instead so she can see my phone number and give it to me, which is exactly what she did. When that happened, I *did* have a thought that what if she will suspect I stole that phone from somewhere (and no, she never accused me of stealing that phone; this was the thought I had all on my own). So could it be that she *did* in fact think that I stole the phone, and *thats* what made her think I stole things from her boyfriend afterwords? Again, she never accued me of the phone thing, but why would she: whomever I supposedly stole it from wouldn't be her friend or anything. But that would make her more prone to suspicion I would steal some other things from people that are her friends.

But again, I don't *know* that, becuase she never said it. Its just my theory.

The other thing that occurred to me, that I haven't thought about before, is that when I was talking to her boyfriend I was sitting in the couch, and my hands were sort of wondering through the space between pillows. At some point I found something there and gave it to him. He thanked me and said he was actually looking for it. I guess that too might be somewhat suspicious. But not really: if I was after no good, why would I do it in front of him, and why would I be showing him whatever it is I was finding?

But like I said he never mentioned either the phone or the coach or the blood glucose thing. He only mentioned the large backpack when I was talking to him on the phone. So for all I know the backpack might be their only concern. It just feels unlikely because plenty of people have backpacks, so it *got* to be more than that. But what *are* those other things besides backpack is I guess just my own speculation since they never told me.

The other thing to take into account is that *she* hasn't mentioned anything at all, not even the backpack. She simply stated that I stole things as if it was a fact and ran with it. It was *him* who mentioned the backpack when he was trying to *guess* why she acted so bizzarely. His reasons for thinking it was a backpack was the fact that it was the only thing he mentioned to her (although he stated he never suspected me of stealing things, so I guess he just mentioned backpack as a part of casual conversation or something). But you see, as far as "not knowing my own phone number", that is something *she* wittnessed not him. So it is possible that she got suspicious because of the phone number thing, but she never mentioned it to him, so he assumed it was the backpack. Although again, how would I know, if she never actually stated what it was that bothered her. It is just really frustrating when she would tell me I stole and use strong words without even telling me what it is about.

I guess this whole set of encounters made me even more determined to go back to Albuquerque the sooner the better. Now its not just hotel cost but my safety too. But they cancelled the train because of the weather. So I guess I will go there tomorrow.

I'll bet she is really happy to have made your acquaintance.

Wait, I'm confused. If the train conductor was annoyed at the lady, why did he ask you that question instead of her? Was she sat at the wrong seat (that was assigned to someone else instead of her) or was she standing up and simply refusing to sit in her assigned seat for some reason? I don't understand why the conductor would be annoyed at you in this situation. Wait, unless her assigned seat was next to your seat and she was refusing to sit there because she didn't want to sit next to another person...is that why the conductor asked if you were getting off the train? Because he wanted you to leave so she would sit down? Even so, I don't understand why the conductor would be angry.

There were two separate incidents. First, he was mad at the lady and he was asking *her* to go back to her seat. Then, half an hour later, I tried to get off the train and he asked me why. The only reason I connected these two things is that he asked me in an angry tone. So his prior encounter with the lady would be the only thing that would explain his tone.

Not unless she enjoys accusing people of stealing. Which she might: narcissism might be one explanation, aside from paranoia.

Have you read this thread till the end?

Finally I am back to Albuquerque. First time I am actually *happy* to be back With constantly extending the hotel stay I didn't think it would ever gonna happen. Truly felt like Hotel California. Glad that it wasn't And no more worrying about those crazy people hiring some weirdos to harass me

Concentrate on theoretical physics for now.

It really feels passive aggressive when you appeal to something unrelated such as theoretical physics to disract me from a certain topic. I wish you could talk to me directly about the topic at hand.

Okay as far as the woman thats the topic of this thread, I know why I shouldn't focus on her:

(i) She has a boyfriend anyway

(ii) She acts paranoid and shady

But what about women other than her?

Yeah sure….why not other women?

But, from experience, me not concentrating on women enabled me to have more women delight in me, rather than me be irritating to them.