Connecting with another aspie at work

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There is someone I work with that I suspect has Asperger's. Ok, I know he has Asperger's, but I don't know if he knows it. He seems to have all the obvious traits (wears the same jersey three days in a row, socially akward but technically brilliant, massive special interests, his mind totally wired for logic, etc. etc) but he copes so well with the things that are usually negative about us (e.g. never loses his temper, always kind/gentle and patient and really makes an effort to talk to people even if it is obviously a tremendous strain, is in a very senior position because he is a brilliant mathematician/financial type etc.). In short, he's great and as I struggle with the negative stuff and would really love to have someone to talk to, I really, really want to reach out. Did I mention I'm quite junior compared to him (oh, forgot to mention, despite him being senior, he sees no hierarchy between people he works with, another great aspie thing).

But how. How do you find out if an aspie knows he's an aspie? He is obviously fine the way he is (ok, maybe he's not that fine, I happen to know he is lonely and wants friends, his marriage fell apart recently).

How would you want another aspie to approach you? And, on the other hand, what would you have done if someone let you know they think you're an aspie and you had No Idea what that was? And then you found out that way?

I think I'd tell him about myself...tell him a little of my quirks, a little about what it is...in an casual manner.

He'll either put 2+2 together for himself or being Aspie himself will want to learn more on his own or he'll start interrogating you out of curiosity.

I worked with someone last year who I would describe exactly like this. We got on really well and had no problem communicating, he stuck up for me against other people who tried to give me a hard time and thinks that the only problem I have is that I lack confidence. I only put it together this year that he is very most likely an aspie too - I never told him that I am. I think if I did tell him he would not be interested as he is doing okay and would not see it as relevant information.

You could start by telling him a little about how you found out you're an ASpie.
Or you could just mention something in conversation about Autism Spectrum, and say something about Aspergers.
But I would be very gentle. Some people really resist the idea. Maybe he already knows. Maybe he doesn't care. Some people just say 'meh', so what?

I wouldn't introduce yourself as someone interested in his Asperger's. It sounds objectifying and negative. If you feel comfortable with bonding over loneliness, singleness, workplace stories, I'd go for that.
My husband was put in a position of helping a fellow Aspie at work. No one ever mentioned Asperger's (but Husband "knew"). He had much of the postive traits and many of the "negative" traits and some perceived traits that NTs accused him of. However, Coworker never brought it up (even in discussions where he accused others of discriminating him). He was divorced, his ex was a special ed teacher.

My point is, there are degrees of acceptance, denial and education. You could alienate the guy if you bring up the Aspie connection.

Hi all - thanks for all the good advice. I'm taking it all to heart. KimJ, thanks especially that would be the way I'd want someone to help me too.

Will let you know if anything happens, then...

Ok, we had a chat. Lunch, in fact. Conversed up a storm on technology, then, both knowing the real reason we decided to have lunch together, akwardly mumbled a few sentences about our social inadequacies and how tough it can be. Very, very aspie indeed.

The only thing I got wrong about him was hugely overestimating the ease with which he survives in the world, especially when trying to find friends (real ones, you know, the ones that you can just be with and there is just acceptance and everyone just likes one another a lot) and especially trying to find that special someone to fill that big hole in our hearts.

Well did he come out as an Aspie when you did chat over lunch? How far into it did you get?

After you're first post I wondered if you might work where I do. There's this young guy who is really odd and says strange things to people. If he finds out you kinda sorta share something in common with his obsessions aka hobbies he will not let a day go by without talking on and on about it to you nonstop. He says "hi" to at least 50 people a day as they walk past his desk even if he isn't friends with them he will know their name and use it speaking to them. He wears the same shorts every day and yes during football season he wears the same jersey several days a week. He also will plaster his cubicle with a certain quarterback's pictures like a lovestruck teenage girl would yet I can tell he's not gay. Something else I can't figure out he is mid-20's and was in the Army. He sticks his medals and ribbons and name tag on his cubicle to prove it. Yet he got discharged. All I can think is he was discharged for a mental disorder. He is very slim, tall, healthy, works out daily, eats only fruit and vegetables and he complains of no medical problems. So what else could he have been kicked out for? He doesn't limp like he was wounded. The way the military is short on troops they have been reinstating officers that have retired so why on earth would he not be forced to reenlist to go to Iraq since he is so strong and healthy unless he is mental? He will holler at me "hey, hey" and start talking about one of his obsessions even if I am busy or even on the phone! I have also caught him talking to himself in the lunchroom.

Update: Ok, it's hard being friends with an aspie, and I suspect even harder when you are both aspies, but the difficulties will mellow down in time, I know. There are those big, silent gaps in conversations, for starters. Unless, of course, it is about an interest, in which case it is difficult to get a word in. And I say all this with much affection, because my colleague will, I know, in time become one of the best friends I will ever have, as it goes with us and our loyalty-streak.

I just know that it is amazing to have someone like him to be a role-model, because he really rises above the things that we tend to get tied up with, when we have Asperger's. He does this by just doing the things that he is good at, incredibly well and with unbelievable dedication. And he is always, always polite and he makes time to say hello to people and ask them how they are, even if it is obviously hard. And he is always soft spoken and incredibly kind, kind in an aspie way (I think you know what I mean). I think he gained a lot of experience during his university years to have learned how not to be rude in honesty but rather gain people's buy-in through logic and clear thought. I also think he internalises a lot of things, but I am scared to explore that too much at this time.

What can I say. I wish he would hang out here on WP. But his interests, I know, keep him far too busy. He is amazing and I feel truly privileged to know him. If, perhaps, slightly intimidated sometimes, he is really, really bright.

That's a great story.

I'm glad you've found a friend.

Do you think you'll fall in love and get married?

Helen

Can't you ask him if he has it?

Smelena: lol, no, I'm happily married to a very much NT guy with a heart of gold who "gets" me (I suspect almost as good as you "get" your hubby, from what I read on this forum). So, no, but my aspie colleague and I are now really, really good friends, which is probably something almost as valuable as finding one's mate. My only wish is that he too can find someone, as I think it is his biggest need.

likedcalico: He was actually diagnosed as a kid, already. However, his parents just let him grow up "normal", which worked out pretty well for him. Only now, with his divorce, I think it has become something he wants to look into because of the impact it has on making love relationships work.

I think the biggest thing that I'm learning out of this friendship is that it has been worth the many years of hard learning of how to understand other people and the things one must do to make a friendship work.