37 years old and (involuntarily) never had a girlfriend.

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I am an introvert, which is a death sentence when it comes to employment and dating, this day and I. I am willing to learn to be more extroverted if necessary, but again that will need to be taught as if it's an academic subject.

In what kinds of contexts have you been trying to meet women? Superficial checklists like the above make sense in some contexts (e.g. singles bars) but not others.

When being approached by a stranger, the first thing one sees is the person's looks (including height and skin color). In that context, his personality doesn't get revealed until later, beyond vague and possibly-misleading first impressions. So, if one has to make a quick decision about whether to continue talking to a stranger, easy-to-judge things like looks will inevitably play a bigger-than-normal role.

But many women really don't like being approached by strangers at all, in the first place. Therefore, many women avoid settings like dating apps, singles bars, and blind dates of all kinds, and will automatically say NO to almost ANY man whom they don't already know, but who has approached them with what appears to be erotic interest. (If the woman is feeling adventurous, she might make an occasional rare exception if the man is super-sexy and also gives her the impression of being a physically safe person to be alone with.)

It seems to me that most hetero/bi women are much more open to being dated by men whom they are already acquainted with, or with whom they have friends in common, or at least friends-of-friends in common. In that case the woman already has some knowledge (or at least second-hand knowledge) of the man's personality, which hence can play a more significant role in whether she is interested. Looks and other superficialities will likely still play a role too, but not nearly as big a role as in a meeting-strangers context.

Yes what you are saying makes sense, but keep in mind the checklist I posted earlier is a subconscious process even if its a friendship group where the woman knows the man. I am not saying you can't overcome these hurdles (many men do) but it takes more effort, timing, luck and fortune (perhaps a mix of all the above).

Being an extrovert is not a set of behaviors that can be learned. If indeed you are an introvert, all the social skills training in the world will not enable you to be energized by social interaction the way extroverts are, nor will it remove your need for time alone -- at least if you are an "introvert" in the sense defined by Jonathan Rauch in Caring for Your Introvert, back in 2003:


Are you, indeed, an "introvert" in the above sense? Or were you using the word "introvert" to mean something else, like shy and anxious? The latter issues could perhaps be helped, to some extent at least, by social skills training, depending on what your underlying neurological issues are.

The problem, for many autistic people, isn't just a lack of intuitive knowledge of the more subtle standards of culturally mainstream NT social behavior. The deeper underlying problem is that many of us have neurological issues, e.g. attention issues, that get in the way.

For example, many of us can't simultaneously do eye contact and focus on the actual content of what the other person is saying. To some extent this is a problem even for NT's, but it's a bigger problem for many autistic people. Some autistic people also have sensory issues with eye contact. For my boyfriend, eye contact is downright painful.

Further reply to James:

Despite what I said above, I don't think your personal situation is quite "a death sentence when it comes to employment and dating." I think you personally are better off than you give yourself credit for, for the following reasons:

1) Although you might not be earning as much money as an NT with comparable skills, you definitely have a high-profile career. When you mentioned, earlier in this thread, that you work for a disability employment nonprofit, I Googled your name (since I've been creating a list of such nonprofits for my website). I'll just say I found some stuff that would seem to indicate you have VERY high political connections.

2) Given your work as a disability rights professional, I think there are lots of autistic women in their thirties who would find you to be, at the very least, a very interesting person to talk to. Of course there's no guarantee that they'd be willing to go beyond just interesting conversations, nor is there any guarantee that you would be attracted to any given one of them, or that you would get along with her generally. But, if only you could meet enough such women, it would be much easier for you to find a potential partner.

Hopefully this will become much easier in the future, if the autistic community manages to grow to the extent that I envision. (See my Longterm visions for the autistic community.)

Of course, you probably don't want to wait for that to happen. So, in the meantime, have you explored the option of dating immigrants, especially from non-Western countries? If so, how have you gone about this?

Others here might be able to give you some worthwhile advice about getting dates with immigrants. I think it's a reasonable option for many autistic people, especially heterosexual men, because the subtleties of culturally mainstream eye contact, etc., would be much less of an issue with a woman who is willing to date outside her culture.

I would have no problems dating an immigrant woman, provided that she was understanding of someone like me. One issue I'm having is I don't know enough women who are either on the Spectrum or are immigrants, or who have similar issues. I've long speculated that if I were Jewish or were interested in anime, dating would have been much easier, because of the connections (for the former) and the fact that anime fans tend to be pretty accepting (for the latter).

One possible way to meet more immigrants: If at all possible, move to a cosmopolitan neighborhood with immigrants from all over the world and no one dominant ethnic group. (Other factors being equal, such neighborhoods tend to be less expensive than mostly-white neighborhoods. But they tend to exist mainly in cities that are relatively expensive to begin with.)

As for meeting more autistic women, I think the best possible way for you, personally, to do this is to help build the autistic community! You are in an excellent position to do so. (See Longterm visions for the autistic community and Autistic Workers Project.) You don't have to be in 100% agreement with already-existing groups such as ASAN (although it would probably be in your best interests to pick your battles and avoid taking too many public stands on controversial issues not immediately related to your area of expertise, disability employment).

another example of how cases like this get me mad and angry, depressed