what would you suggest, to get better @ conversing/relating?

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(Lengthy post warning! Sorry all; I often can be a bit verbose!)

Hello! I am new here. By way of a quick introduction, I'll say I'm in my late 40's, male, have had ASD pretty much my whole life but it's never been "officially" diagnosed. Don't like being ASD & never have for how much an outsider it makes me feel. OK now that we've got THAT out of the way...

As you saw in the topic title, I'm wondering if you all could share ways you've learned not only to be better at conversation & small talk, but even RELATING to people (and not hating being around the human race in general; that is MY problem! LOL) I have always been extremely shy, and still am even now; I do not talk in any groups, unless spoken to (and even then the answers are very curt and said sheepishly), because I can't bear the thought of being talked over, ignored, saying something dumb, contradicted, or, making a joke that no one laughs at or (even worse) gets people pissed off (all of which have happened in the past). Which is a possibility because my humor (as probably with many Aspies) is very dry and odd ...which makes me feel even MORE of an outsider!

Anyway, I realized recently that I always have played, and still do play, the victim, and have done the "why me?" and "I wish I was like them; they're normal" game. And I thought about all the people I've heard of that have disabilities of many types (including mental) who didn't make excuses about it and did their best to thrive. So it got me thinking: Hey, THEY seem to be doing well and don't make excuses & seem to be thriving; how do *I* do the same?? It is a daunting thing to think about, for many reasons, not least of all that I'm very used to saying to myself "I did that because of my learning disabilities; I wish they could understand that!"

at any rate this post is already a bit lengthy, so I will bring it in for a landing! What suggestions do any of you have, who have gotten to a somewhat proficient level socially, including in the humor and jokes department? How do I stop making excuses for whatever socially inept things I do, while still making people understand it's because of my Aspergers/ASD? or do I even DO that?

It will be very interesting to see your responses!

Thanks so much everyone!

Social functioning can be improved by seeking out and socialising with people who meet you halfway.

I need to make an effort to understand and relate to other people (one way is to hang around this forum where a lot of people have solved various puzzles about NT/AS interactions) but they also have to make an effort to understand me. If I spend too much effort trying to be accepted by people who won't make any effort whatsoever in return, I know it's time to let those relationships fade away and to seek out more supportive people, which is often people who are a bit "odd" themselves.

About playing the victim card, sometimes it's nice to vent your frustrations but I make it a point to remain positive (especially in situations where it's difficult). It has a positive effect both on you and on people around you.

Anyway, take my words with a pinch of salt if you prefer. I'm about ten years younger than you and I'm still figuring things out as I move ahead.

There's a website called Succeed Socially that you might find helpful.

But I would also suggest trying to determine the underlying root of your conversational difficulties.

For a lot of us, our conversational difficulties boil down to attention issues. For example, many of us have greater-than-normal difficulty multi-tasking, which makes it hard to follow an informal group conversation where the topic is changing rapidly. Others have the opposite difficulty: Finding it hard to maintain focus on a single topic. Still others are easily distracted from a conversation by other noises in the room. Do you have any of the above attention difficulties?

If so, you should probably try to find ways to structure your social life so as to accommodate your attention difficulties. For example, if you have difficulty multi-tasking, or if you are easily distracted by noises, then it's probably best to avoid meeting people at parties, in favor of one-on-one conversations in quieter settings.