Are All Relationships Complicated & Awful?

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I had my fair share of complicated, awful and abusive relationships, but I also had good ones, too. I'm currently married (7 years strong) and we have our challenges - I'm on the spectrum and have depression issues, my husband is an NT and has generalized anxiety - but find ways to make it work.

My upbringing didn't give me the opportunity to develop skills I needed for basic relationships, which meant I had to learn through trial and error in my 20's and 30's - and I'm still learning now, having just turned 40. Relationships and love don't have to be awful, and love can be complicated, but here are some tips I've learned to "uncomplicate" relationships:

- Communication is key.
Of course, this is easier said than done. Early in my relationship with my now husband,I would sit, with a quizzical look on my face, not saying a word during our arguments. I was partly stubborn but mostly unable or unsure of how to express how I felt or why, so I would sit in silence. Looking back nearly 12 years later, I learned that I can't handle hours long conversations or excessive "emotional talk," and found ways to repeat back my understanding to my husband in a way that I interpreted what he said. Writing down communication recaps also help me to compartmentalize our conversations. Finding a common ground to understand each other helps with communication.

- Set expectations (For yourself and your partner)
One of the great joys I get from being on the spectrum is that I'm upfront and honest. This can work in your favor to temper expectations for either party, and making relationships less awful. How so? If you let your partner know what you are looking for, or learn what they are looking for, your interests and goals can align. I moved in with my husband after our 3rd date; I imposed myself and he was too kind to say "no." Looking back in retrospect, if we set expectations on what we wanted the relationship to become, I wouldn't have rushed to make him "mine" due to my insecurities.

- Find someone that allows you to be you
My first few relationships were horrible. I wasn't able to be myself, move or behave in a way I felt natural, and my quirks made me feel inferior to my partners. I was obsessed with being a "good boyfriend" and adapted myself to feel "normal," much to the behest of my previous partners. This, of course, made me feel awful over time. It took a lot of time, but I eventually found someone that somehow loves my quirks, and invented language that we use together. Being true to yourself will make relationships less awful and a lot less complicated.

I hope this rambling post of a middle-aged man helps you on your path of having better relationships!