[ POLL ] The "Billy Graham Rules".

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Same here.  But there is always going to be someone looking for any opportunity to stir up trouble.

This is a prime example of "going beyond gender"----the ability to be friends with people of a gender other than your own, with the nature of the friendship being exactly the same as friendships with one who is of your gender.

Even though I expect what I'm going to say to be widely rejected, especially by the western world's materialist worldview, I'm going to say it:

You have to take in to consideration the spiritual component when considering these things.
Though people overlook or even deliberately reject it, the whole Bible text, even Jesus himself, very much presents the spiritual, the supernatural, as a fact of life.

A component of that is that spiritual forces opposed to God will and do seek out any and every available avenue by which to negate, diminish, discredit, ministries and their work to present the Gospel to the lost.
Those spiritual forces will take advantage of any and all vulnerabilities they can find already existing or manipulate in to being.
Doubts, misunderstandings, ambiguities, will be mined for all they are worth.
Personal imperfections will be zeroed in upon and employed to provoke and manipulate ministries and ministers in to falling. Same for individual Christians too.

Those "Billy Graham Rules" are strict because he was among those who realized the severity of that opposition.

A reference from the Epistles, https://biblehub.com/ephesians/6-12.htm
"
10As to the rest, my brothers, be strong in the LORD, and in the power of His might; 11put on the whole armor of God, so you are able to stand against the schemes of the Devil, 12because our wrestling is not with flesh and blood, but with the principalities, with the authorities, with the world-rulers of the darkness of this age, with the spiritual [forces] of evil in the heavenly places; 13because of this take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to resist in the day of the evil, and having done all things—to stand.
14Stand, therefore, having your loins girded around in truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15and having the feet shod in the preparation of the good news of peace; 16in all, having taken up the shield of faith, in which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the evil one, 17and receive the helmet of the salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,
"

↑ Thank you for sharing.  Have a nice day.

It's a matter I've thought a lot about over the years. Of course a man and woman meeting doesn't necessarily mean they're on the way to a sexual encounter. It's just kind of written into some cultures that some kinds of meetings have that significance and can raise a flag of that type. I think it's partly justified, but only partly. When does such a meeting become what's known as a "date?" I wish I knew. When a couple is about to form, it's rare that they declare their intentions in advance, and I get the impression that in many cases it would spoil the whole "game" if they did.

If a man asks a woman out for a meal or drink, I suspect it's not very often that there's no sexual undertone, though I guess it depends on the local culture. I knew a woman once who would get a free supply of drinks all night simply by accepting them from men who were in the same bar and then quietly moving onto the next bar (sometimes by escaping through the window in the toilet) before the man tried to take things further. Men who offer these drinks to women rarely state their intentions, but she was street-wise enough to know it wasn't random generosity or the wish to have a nice platonic conversation. I wish it were otherwise.

Looking back at my own experiences, going out for a meal or a drink with a woman as a one-on-one thing has usually ended up as a relationship, with a couple of exceptions - in one of those cases I don't think the woman concerned wasn't particularly sexually interesting in me, in the other I think she probably was. Culturally, such encounters are seen as significant enough to justify a wife being strongly suspicious if she found out that her husband had been "seeing another woman" as people put it. Yet if it's really such an innocent thing, then if he'd not happened to mention it to his wife, wouldn't it be sheer paranoia on her part to suspect anything?

I knew a woman whose husband was a soldier and he was often away for weeks on end. Men would meanwhile ask her to go for a drink with them. She would answer "OK, but a drink with me is all you're getting, so don't forget that." I think she was telling me the truth (not that I'd asked her), but it's interesting that she volunteered that information to me. Almost as if she felt her behaviour was under suspicion and she wanted to defend her reputation, or felt such a need to warn men off that it wasn't enough just to warn the ones who may be trying to make advances.

I take your point that it might be a better world if these things weren't seen as signals, just that I think that often in the real world they will be, and if we ignore that, eyebrows and false hopes may be raised. I've often wondered why - it might have turned out like that because monogamy and chastity aren't particularly natural for humans, so society lays down certain rather cumbersome precautionary rules to maintain itself as a mostly a community of monogamous families, which they feel they have to stabilise for the welfare of children, but that's only a guess.

Regarding men being alone with women and even appearances: I think of it purely as a safety issue. You're protecting both men and women that way.

My school has a very strict rule about who is allowed in classrooms and when. Pretty much if students want to come to my classroom during lunch or breaks, I encourage them to do that. The school isn't much worried if another male is alone with me in my classroom. First of all, I don't really interact with the one or two students who stop by. Second, I have a camera in my classroom, so it would never be a problem, anyway.

However, off the record and unofficially, it is STRICTLY forbidden for girls to be alone with me in my room. It's not a secret that there are band directors out there who've crossed some serious lines, and a private school is NOT about to allow any kind of stain like that on their reputation in the community. A kid who just wants to practice snare drum during break and lunch? Who cares? But that one flute player cutting through to get coffee from the vending machine outside my building? Oh, I'll never hear the end of it.

It sucks that men abuse women. It sucks that sometimes girls get angry with music teachers and coaches and will say and do all kinds of things to send us to prison. What do you do about it? Keep distance and avoid all appearances that something is even remotely sketch. That lets women know they are safe from abuse from men. And men can know they are safe from accusations. Husbands AND wives know they are safe from anything their spouses might be accused of. Everyone wins.

Sometimes these situations are unavoidable. What you do about that is you stay in contact with someone, like a spouse, for example, and keep them informed. If the question ever comes up, the husband or wife already knows the situation. It's not a perfect solution. There's no such thing. But it's better than just expecting everyone to be nice and mind their own business...because you KNOW people aren't going to do that!

---

"1) Avoid financial abuses.

2) Avoid any situation that would involve moral
compromise or have even the appearance of moral compromise.

3) Avoid open criticism of local pastors and churches.

4) Embrace commitment to integrity in publicity and reporting."


Hmm, "Billy Graham Rules" For Evangelical Christianity As Practiced on the Top of the Heap of the Organization.

Number 1, Is Pretty Much a No Brainer: Don't Break the Law; We Already Have Laws For Financial Abuse Within Organizations; That Include Penalties For Abuse, Ranging to Imprisonment For Years; Don't Use 'God as a Shield.'

Number 3, Is How Demagogues Come to Rule Over Others; Subjugating, Controlling Them, And Mastering Them
Beyond Reproach; NO THANKS, Already Worked For A Female Captain of A Military Installation Whose Abusive Antics
Were Beyond Reproach on Her 'Ship'; Yet True, When She Wasn't Around, All So-Called Subordinates Could Insult
Her Then As She

Had no Real Support
For the Abuse She Distributed,
Giving 'Hell' to Most Everyone Equally...

Number 4, With Any Question of Integrity

Among the Clergy; For Anyone, Who Could
Possibly Believe Still An All Loving, Forgiving,
Merciful God Could Torture Any Part of Creation
in Forever Misery and Suffering; If 'You' Can't See Through

That Obvious Ruse AND LIE Someone Made Up to Control,
Subjugate, And Master Others Through Illusory Carrots That

Feed As Great As Heaven After Death; And Sticks That Hit As Hard

As Torture in Hell Forever

Burning For Not Playing

By The Rules of the Lying Ruse;

Oh Lord God of Nature Real Now;

Go Back to the Original Greek Definition

of Apocalypse And Do Lift the Veils of Ignorance Pleeeezzzeee....

And to Be Clear, the 'Air Quotes' Mean Anyone As 'You'; NO ONE, IN PARTICULAR HERE.

Also Regarding Rule Number 2, The One with the Most Nuances Here that Most Everyone
is Focusing on As So Many Folks in the Clergy Are Included By Checklist Way of the Top 10 Most
Wanted List of Psychopathic-Like Traits Among Professions Listed in Studies As Such As True Some

Professions Attract

Folks With attributes such as "superficial charm,
egocentricity, persuasiveness, lack of empathy, independence, and focus.”

Nope, NO ONE CAN PERSUADE ME THAT AN ALL LOVING, MERCIFUL, FORGIVING THE
ENEMIES GOD COULD EVER TORTURE ANY PART OF NATURE FOREVER AS IF THEY DID

THEY'D BE A GOD DAMNED LIAR FOR NOT PRACTICING WHAT THEY PREACH; END OF F IN STORY.

IT'S TRUE, I AM NOT AFRAID
TO CRITICIZE THE CLERGY
EVEN TO THEIR FACE; DO
IT ALL THE TIME; yet my

Singing Voice is So Angelic
And i am So Kind They Let me
Stay Around; Plus, They Are Really
Desperate for 'Patronage These Days'

As More Folks Do Not Believe in the Obvious Ancient F in Ruse;
Not Everyone is A Sucker Born Every Minute When Information is not Censored
Along

With
Freedom
of Expression too...

Okay, Now that we Have
The Personality Traits Associated
With So Many Clergy Folks Getting
Caught With Their Pants And Such Down

As History Cleary Shows in So Many Ways

Among Clergy in Power Corrupting Places
That Do Abuse This Way Among Those Vulnerable
They Have Perceived Authority Over THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE ME...

THESE RULES JUST INDICT WHO THEY ALREADY ARE AS A VULNERABLE GROUP;
SOME WITH PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS WHO ABUSE POWER AS SUCH PER WHAT

MAY OTHERWISE BE
"MICE AND
MEN" LOST

FROM CONTROL
OVER THEIR SHADOW SELVES;

That Some folks Ignorantly Refer
to as A Beast With A Tail As A Tale of A Myth;

Yeah, like The Devil Lives in Folk's Pants, Haha
or Other Articles of Dressing Up or Down' And to Be
Clear This is Certainly Not A Male only Issue Either

And this is Why Ya Gotta Be Weary About Who is Coming
To Dinner or Out for A Drink Or A Casual Drive in the Country next...

And Not only That We Sort of Live in a 'Paranoid Culture' These Days;

Fear Those

Who Fear

Most Indeed...

And i've Already Been to
A Leadership Class For my
County Where All the Leaders
With Power Go in this Evangelical
Town; And In the Meeting in A Town
Away from the Hometown, Where the Leadership

Class Was Held For Several NIGHTS, the First thing
They Said Was What Happens Here Stays Like in "Las Vegas;"

What Church They Attended Didn't make a bit of Difference

of Who
Then They
Swapped Beds
With When the
Spouse Was living
in A Hometown Away;

It Was Eye Opening Indeed,

As i Had Never Seen them
out of the Church Environment that way...

i Stayed to Myself and Thought A lot about
Religion and Integrity then Indeed; Practice What You

Preach

Or Live
A Lie; it's as simple
As This and That Now;

My Wife isn't A Jealous
Person And She is Well
Aware that i am Emotionally
Close to Many Women Who are my Very close Friends; If She
Wasn't, i'd Probably Be A Dude With No Close in Contact Friends outside of Marriage...

Yet of Course, They Are Most All Online And Mostly Thousands of Miles Away;

Perhaps,

Mr. Graham's
Rules Would Have
to Be Updated to Present Realities too...

Anyway, If 'You' Tell Me You Love All Your
Enemies And Turn Around And Say You
Will Burn And Torture Someone For
Breaking Your Rules
Forever i'm Only

Gonna

Tell You the
Truth; Hell Yes, i am
More Of An Ethical
And Moral Human Now Heaven's Yes,
More Than You Are As A So-called Moral,
Ethical 'God' With any Authority or Integrity; Plus Yes,

i've Done Enough Biblical Scholarly Research For YEARS
That Just Does NOT Support Any of the Ruse And Or Lies...

Obviously, A Lot of Folks With Personalities of the 'Trump
Meme' Were Instrumental in Developing Those 'God Damned Stories'...

i Ain't Taking Any
Part of the Hook,
Bait, or Sinker Except

This Kingdom of Heaven Within Now
For Real Inhaling Peace Exhaling LoVE iN JoY
oF LiGHT Giving, Sharing, Caring, Healing For
All With Least Harm Now And Sure With a Little Tough

Love Now and

Then to At Least

Show There is Some
Possibility For An Apocalypse
oF LiGHT That Really Means in
Original Greek Definition: Lifting the Veils of Ignorance Now...

And if Anyone Thinks That's Off Topic, i Guess You Never
Actually Really Heard the Good Cop Message of Jesus For

Real in that Story...

People's Personality
Traits Greatly Influence
How they Interpret Stories;

Additionally, In How Open Minded,
Interpretive, And Creative They Are too in Seeing
Deeper in Metaphors Than Black And White Heaven

And Hell After

Death....

As They Say
As They Dance
And Sing Those

With "Eyes and Ears"
Beyond Just Sensory
Organs Who See and Hear the Metaphors For Real...

Again Beyond What is Only Literal And Black And White
Mostly So-called 'Left Brain Think' Per the Book. "Master And The Emissary"

And The "Matter With Things" By Iain McGilChrist too; Understand Who the Real 'Master' is...

or

Do Not;

In Other Words,

No Different than
What Luke 17:21
Relates: 'The Master' Lives Within...

And It's Not Only Reasons; It's Love
When Real...

Among

'Mice'

AND 'Men'...

https://www.forbes.com/sites/kellyclay/2013/01/05/the-top-10-jobs-that-attract-psychopaths/?sh=41cf042a4d80

---

THIS ↑ is at the heart of Rule #2.  Keep women safe from assault, and men safe from false accusations of assault.

It works the other way around, too!

It seems to me that these rules are intended primarily for pastors plus other members of a ministry team, and perhaps also for other kinds of public figures and/or people in positions of authority. Some of these rules are less applicable to the general public than to people in leadership roles.

These days, "A man should never be alone with any woman other than his wife or his mother" is a little dated.

These days, it seems to me that a much more important application of rule #2 -- especially for a ministry team or anything similar -- would be that an adult (of whichever gender) should never be alone with an unrelated child (of whichever gender).

Alas, pedophiles gravitate to positions of authority over children. And, due to centuries of church cover-ups, many parents rightly fear for their children's safety in church settings, schools, etc.

Also, accusations of child sex abuse are notoriously difficult to prove. Yet, at the same time, a false accusation of child sex abuse can ruin someone's life to a far worse extent than an accusation of having an affair with another adult.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 09 Jul 2022, 5:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Rule #3 would not be a good rule for journalists, for exactly the reason you explained above.

But the rule makes sense in the context of being one of Billy Graham's rules for his ministry team. Billy Graham sought a mutually beneficial relationship with local churches. Hence it would have been counterproductive for his team to bicker publicly with the local churches and their pastors.

I think some of these rules seem like good ideas on the surface, but upon examination have issues.

1) Avoid financial abuses.

Well, obviously - nobody wants to be financially abused, and on the other side, saying “don’t commit financial crimes” is surely something we would do well to follow. But is this good advice? Not really - it’s just stating the obvious. Nobody who reads it is going to have any idea of what actions they should do or stop doing.


2) Avoid any situation that would involve moral compromise or have even the appearance of moral compromise.
This is impossible - any situation could have the appearance of moral compromise to someone with enough motivation. You can’t please all of the people, all of the time.

For example, it would be easy to interpret my disagreement here as evidence that I am morally compromised - the innocent have nothing to fear! It would also be easy to interpret agreement as a sign of moral compromise - why am I agreeing with Billy Graham, noted evil person?

3) Avoid open criticism of local pastors and churches.

This is bad advice. You shouldn’t be afraid to criticise pastors and churches when appropriate. It is easy to see why Billy Graham would want to discourage criticism of religion.

4) Embrace commitment to integrity in publicity and reporting.

This is good advice. One should always try to be honest and not exaggerate one’s achievements.

In short, 1) sounds good but doesn’t have an obvious practical next step to take, 2) is impossible to follow. 3) is not good advice, but 4) is.

1. I think is a huge temptation for church leaders. There's usually a lot of leeway with budgets, so when church leaders want to do something church-related, they're more effective if they can do what's needed without going before a committee first. Some leaders have that luxury and others don't. What happens is they get used to that and lower their own standards for spending. This can often end up seriously hurting the church. To give you an example of how easy it can be, the first pastor I served on staff under was REQUIRED to take a certain number of vacations per year. All paid for by tithes and not included in his salary. All staff members (except me) were given MASSIVE assistance through church funds to continue their education and earn advanced degrees, some even earning doctorates. I have nothing against getting a good education and experiences that help make you more effective. It's just that I've had to work hard to earn my two degrees and I'll be in debt for at least another 10 years from it. I don't think it's up to a church congregation to bankroll 4-6 years of school. But some do. And I think once it becomes easy to expect church tithes to just hand over so many things, using that church credit card to take your wife out to the most expensive restaurant just one time suddenly doesn't seem like such a big deal.

That's also something I witnessed firsthand with a coworker, and this is something I never talked about before. I served under a worship pastor who'd go with me to conferences--one in particular, anyway. I'd been with the church long enough they would voluntarily bankroll all my expenses. My wife and family would actually go to all the different events, workshops, seminars, etc., and we'd maybe eat somewhere nice ONCE. My worship pastor most of the time was nowhere to be found. One time I asked him about where he was. He said, oh, my wife and I have a lot to pray about, so we were at the prayer garden. The thing is...we knew where the prayer garden was. We'd walk by a time or two. Never once saw him there. Wife and I talked about it and agreed that his wife was making him hop from one coffee shop to another. He barely set foot anywhere near the conference center.

Some years later he was serving at a different church not far away. We got word that he'd been fired for misusing the church credit card. Wife and I just looked at each other like, yep, it finally caught up with him.

The scale of this only gets bigger with the congregation. Just look at what's happened at Hillsong New York. Awful situation. You think this advice is common sense. Well, when you treat pastors like they're rock stars, I don't think you can rightly get upset that they rack up rock star bills. And if you ARE a pastor and you happen to get treated like a rock star, I think you have to work harder to keep the right perspective. It's not as easy as you think.

2. Not impossible. So I just took a job in a public school after being out of public schools for over a decade. Not much has really changed, but of course I have to sign all these papers saying I agree to certain ethical codes, blah, blah, blah. To summarize: Don't run your mouth in class, be careful with money (includes don't accept money from students/parents), and keep your hands off the kids. And all that seems easy enough. Ok, keep hands off the kids. Just keep a safe distance, just stick to doing your job, right? Except you have that one student who made flirty eyes with you one time, said something, and all you did is say, "young lady, that's not really appropriate. Please don't do that again." You think that's the end of it. Next thing you know, you get called to the principal's office and you're suspended without pay. All it takes is an accusation from a deranged teenager and your career is over. Due process doesn't apply in these situations. Maybe it should. Maybe we could all be Johnny Depp.

But we're NOT all Johnny Depp. So here's how I do it. Class gets dismissed. Everyone leaves. EVERYONE leaves. No students hanging out, I'm never alone with just one student. Lucky for me I have cameras in the room. But every move I make, every interaction, every conversation is completely visible in full view of other students, teachers, admins, parents, etc. Discipline problem? Excuse me, young man, I need to see you after class. This happens as students are leaving and more students are coming in. Full view. I say you're being a knucklehead. Cut it out, or I'm calling your dad. Then I hand him a not to make sure he's not tardy. I'm discrete about it, everyone knows what happened, but I don't belittle someone or escalate something in front of the class. Every correction is brief and straight to the point. Or if I have a sensitive issue with a female student, I get a female member of staff involved. Once again, I never engage a student where there aren't at least two other pairs of eyes on me. Or a camera. Students are NEVER given an opportunity to isolate me. Oh, sure, students have tried to get me in trouble before. Kids will be kids. And sure, I've had a lot of experience dealing with all kinds of awkward situations that could have turned out much uglier than they did. But they can't touch me because of habits I've developed over the years to stay out in the open. Everyone can see my hands, how far apart I am from other students, and hear exactly what I say.

Being a church leader isn't like being a teacher. When you are a teacher, you understand that you are dealing with underage minors. There are very clear rules and boundaries. You know a simple accusation is all it takes to end your career. You don't even have to be guilty of anything to lose your credentials and even end up in prison. I'm not saying that's fair, I'm just saying that's reality. When you are a church leader, you are expected to visit the elderly. You are expected to show up and pray with families in waiting rooms while a loved one goes to surgery. If a teenager or young woman becomes pregnant by her boyfriend and she's freaking out because she's scared of what her parents/friends/boyfriend/church will think, she might end up in your office for an hour asking for prayers and advice. Sometimes you do end up being alone with a deacon's wife. Or if you're a worship pastor and your bass player's wife needs a ride somewhere. Now the boundaries start to get blurred. Most of the time we're talking about adults. Having access to the vulnerable just goes with the job, and it's expected to be on a more intimate level.

That's when the gossip starts. Did you see who the church secretary was riding around with? The PREACHER!! ! Guess who I saw at the coffee shop? The pianist and the drummer. Sitting together ALONE! I don't think her husband knows she's been running around with HIM. Of all people, she ought to know better than that!

More often it's innocent. But sometimes it's NOT innocent. And just like teachers must enforce boundaries with students, church staff has to guard boundaries with other staff members and others in the congregation and community.

One key difference between church and school is that forgiveness, grace, and mercy are central to church teachings and apply to everyone. In a school, grace and mercy only apply one-way: from teachers to students, and not the other way around. Students and parents don't have to be merciful. Oh, sure...I'm not perfect. I will ask students to forgive me and be patient when sometimes I make mistakes. But where I mess up is when I'm too forceful in my presentation or too rigorous in my instructional approach. Sometimes I get longwinded and I lose their attention and engagement. Occasionally I get facts confused. Education is messy. But I correct myself, admit my mistakes, and do what I can to keep myself and my students on track. I've had kids actually cry because I overwhelmed them with things. Music is hard. But students? Look, teaching is probably 98% managing behavior. I'm expected to write a referral when a student cusses me out, but I have to accept the student right back into my classroom the next day. I've even had to break up fights when a teen mom and her baby-daddy were BOTH placed in my class. And somewhere in that remaining 2% is actual instruction. It seems a waste of time, but that's what my official purpose is.

In a church, it works both ways. We must forgive our congregations, and we must hold our congregations to the command that they forgive each other and even us as their leaders. If the piano player and the bass player are having an affair, we don't make them leave the church. They can't be allowed to serve on the platform, but their church should be an environment to help them heal. Maybe their church family can encourage them to stay with their husbands/wives and heal those relationships. Or if they end up getting divorced, then their church family can support them and help them work through the pain of failed relationships. It doesn't mean approving immorality. It doesn't mean promoting easy divorce. It just means doing as Christ commanded, loving and forgiving each other. Pastors fail. Deacons fail. Musicians fail. Worship leaders fail. Choir directors fail. Choir members fail. We're only human, too, and the only difference between us and the rest of the congregation is our capacity of service.

So we have to be understanding and forgiving. And that sometimes leads to a sense of artificial freedom and permissiveness. We all fail, but we must all forgive. If you need to run errands on official church business, it's ok if the pastor and personal secretary ride together. It's ok for the youth pastor to counsel that one female teen. And the praise band? They spend so much time together practicing or even writing songs, there's nothing wrong with that. So what? Hey, if you had to spend all that time alone with someone, one thing led to another, you wouldn't want to be embarrassed, would you? You wouldn't want someone to destroy YOUR marriage? You'd want another chance, right? Because Jesus died to give us another chance. So sweep it under the rug and keep it quiet. As long as you just keep things hidden and quiet, you don't have anything to worry about.

And it's this free, open, permissive mentality that leads weak leaders to think they can abuse other leaders or congregants. They don't think about the optics when it's innocent, and they don't think about the consequences when things turn sour.

I think there's a certain point, especially when teaching, that you go too far in maintaining boundaries that instead of supporting, encouraging, and empowering young people, you metaphorically teach with rubber gloves on so you don't get your hands dirty. In my experience, remembering names and positive physical touch goes a long way to forming appropriate connections with kids and communicating a positive relationship. Instead of only asking a student to stay after class because he's a troublemaker, tell him he did a great job and his comments during discussion time were truly insightful. Or hold that test paper, pull her aside, and say kudos for being the only student in class who got a perfect score. Something I absolutely despised at my former church was how once a year they'd have a food drive to deliver bags to the poorest neighborhoods surrounding the church and invite them and their children to some of our community activities we organized, yet NEVER ONCE did I see anything change in our worship service that would have been more inviting to these demographics. I see no problem with affluent white people reaching out to poor black people. But I have a huge problem with doing this in a spirit of condescension and privilege. We'll hand out food to you as long as we don't have to go to church with you. That's serving a community with rubber gloves--Jesus was once touched by a ritually unclean woman. By Jesus' clothes becoming unclean through this woman's faith, she was healed. There is a point whether we are teachers or Christian ministers and witnesses that we should be unafraid to get our hands dirty in service to those around us.

All it takes is just finding the right balance. Don't act in isolation. Don't appear alone with the underaged or with people in committed relationships. Guard your words so you won't be misunderstood. Do nothing without witnesses. Or if you encounter a situation in which you cannot act without keeping yourself above reproach, delegate to another capable Christian believer.

3. I don't have much to say about this one. Keep in mind that this advice is more relevant to actual church leaders. It's good for the congregation, too, but not quite as applicable. So I'm going to break this one down in terms of two groups: leaders and congregations.

For congregations: If a pastor is abusing the congregation or is engaged in blatantly immoral behavior, you SHOULD be critical. If a pastor goes off the rails concerning theology, you SHOULD be critical. Those pastors shouldn't even be behind the pulpit, and it's perfectly ok to say so. I have some strong feelings about theology, and I don't mind sharing my thoughts, especially when I notice a pastor has said something that is obviously false. But there are good ways to handle this and poor ways to handle it. Calling a pastor out in front of a congregation or a small group of believers is not the way to handle it. If you disagree with a pastor on theology or a sermon point, meet with him one-on-one and talk about it. It's unnecessary to drag anyone through the mud on issues that might not even really be important. When I correct a student, I do so privately (within reason, see #2) and allow the student to save face. I also encourage students to correct me when I'm wrong, but to do so respectfully. Don't cause a scene, but do help me see where I'm off-base, same as I would with any one of them. There's no point in picking a fight.

One thing that pushed me to leave my former church was a select group within the congregation was picking fights with a worship leader. They forced him to resign. This was a guy who struggled with migraines and diverticulitis. But in between that, he was passionate about his work. He put himself under a ton of pressure to serve others, and between the anxiety and other health issues, he had a difficult time dealing with difficult people. I tried to tell him he needed to let certain issues within the church alone, let these things resolve themselves. Maybe he got what was coming by rejecting my advice, since I'd been there a while and could help him. But I knew how to approach him in a non-confrontational manner. Others chose not to and purposefully escalated things. I ultimately decided I could no longer be so patient with that congregation and left about a year later. And part of it was I was facing abuse myself from some within the congregation. For me, the disagreement was this ugly, regressive attitude where I'd been used to a collaborative environment in which I was able to drive some of the decisions made with regard to the worship ministry. Congregations can do incredible harm to great pastors and other leaders when open criticism crosses the line and becomes outright hate.

It's not that anyone should be AFRAID to criticize pastors and churches. I think it's just a matter of being reasonable how you do it. Being openly critical of other CHURCHES is just downright unChristlike. You don't know their situation. You don't know what it's like there. You don't know the people. You don't know their leaders. Tearing down an entire church without regard to the people and their lived experience just makes you a terrible human being. All I care about is how much theology they get right and whether they build up the body of Christ. I won't hesitate to criticize churches that emphasize the prosperity gospel. I have no shortage of things to say about Adventists, JW's, Mormons, and certain Pentecostals. I have no shortage of things to say even about some Baptist churches. Notice how I just criticized my previous church. But my feelings regarding that church have to do with how I saw them mistreat others, including myself and my family. It's not personal to me, it's not a deep-seated, irrational resentment that I harbor. What happened is all water under the bridge at this point. What I'm saying is honest and true, and my hope and prayer are that the church finds its way back to Christ.

As to pastors being openly critical, which I think is more relevant: That's simply a matter of professional behavior. Other pastors and churches are your colleagues. It took me a long time to figure this one out, but moving forward I made up my mind not to engage in gossip. If you go around spreading negativity and hate about other pastors and churches, you tend to take pretty big hits on your reputation. That's going to reduce your effectiveness, not to mention your chances of being hired by another church when you decide to move on. As a teacher, I've had students come into my room who would have exploded if they couldn't vent about another teacher. I tell them: that's my coworker and friend. We talk a lot, and you have to pass both our classes. Don't make things more difficult by gossiping about it.

Are there times and places that are appropriate for complaining about others? Of course. Having a big, hateful mouth you are incapable of controlling only makes YOU look bad. Don't do it.

4. I got nothing. That's pretty much it. I like it. Great advice for anyone regardless of what line of work you're in.