What Would Your Dating Life Have Looked Like If You Were NT?

Page 4 of 5 [ 71 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next


Would Dating Be Easier If You Were Neurotypical?
Yes 67%  67%  [ 16 ]
No 17%  17%  [ 4 ]
I'm a neurotypical and my dating life rocks 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
I'm a neurotypical and my dating life sucks 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
I like to eat grass and moo like a cow 17%  17%  [ 4 ]
Total votes : 24

Muse933277
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 631

03 Jul 2022, 8:14 am

The fact is that many autistic men (not all) struggle with finding someone to date. I would know because I've known 40+ men with autism and many of these young men have never dated or had a girlfriend before. For the vast majority of men with autism, I don't think they'd have much luck pursuing the really attractive and conventional neurotypical girls, who they themselves oftentimes want conventional men.

However, I think for the majority of men with autism, if they want a girlfriend, their best bet is to pursue similar girls who may be nerdy/quirky/neurodivergent themselves. These women may be less likely to reject them.

I knew this kid with autism from high school and he was one of the few autistic people in my program that actually had a girlfriend. Why? Because he pursued a similarly nerdy and quirky girl who was also into videogames and anime. He didn't waste his time pursuing the conventional 8/10 blondes who like to party and have never touched a video game in their life. I really do think there are women out there who are willing to date us. Not all women are shallow and want the conventional man in terms of looks or lifestyle, it's just finding these women who are like us.

I think one big difference between men with autism who struggle and those that don't, is how open minded they are with dating different kinds of women. The guys who only want to date really pretty girls who look a specific way, and who they may not necessarily have a lot in common with, are more likely to struggle, compared to someone who's more open minded and is willing to date a wider variety of people in terms of physical appearance but they have more in common with.

Because in my life, I have had women who either liked me or who I probably would have stood a chance with. The problem was that I wasn't attracted to them, I only had my eyes on the conventionally pretty girls. Who knows? Maybe some of these women I either initially wrote off or didn't even notice may have been absolutely wonderful girlfriends. I don't ever recommend dating someone you find completely ugly BUT there are women out there who may not necessarily be your type, but it's not like they're completely ugly either, who may actually be a really good fit for you as a partner.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 85,213
Location: Queens, NYC

03 Jul 2022, 8:22 am

I didn’t actually go for those “8-10” type girls in high school. It was because I wasn’t attracted to their minds.

Some of them might have been smart for all I know—but I believed in the stereotypes. And they didn’t want to appear to be “smart,” either, or it seemed that way to me in my adolescent mindset.

I went more for girls who I felt had things in common with me. I was still rejected many times, but succeeded with one person who became the love of my life (but, alas, that didn’t last).



babybird
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 49,132
Location: UK

03 Jul 2022, 9:42 am

Quote:
What would your dating life have looked like if you were neurotypical instead of autistic? Would dating have been easier, harder, or just about the same? Leave your comments down below


I can't see how my dating would have been any better or any worse.



Muse933277
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 631

03 Jul 2022, 10:01 am

I didn't date prior to the age of 21 simply because I was too shy to talk to girls. It would have taken someone actively pursuing me and doing most of the steps for me to have had a girlfriend as a teenager. But considering i'm a man who wasn't that attractive (maybe a 3 or 4 in high school), that was highly unlikely anyways.


I didn't date between the ages of 21-25 for a number of reasons. I was 5 ft 2, I was autistic, I didn't really have a friendly or outgoing personality so nobody got to know me, I didn't take rejection very well, and perhaps I pursued the wrong kind of girls. I talked to girls and asked girls out but none were romantically or sexually attracted to me and every time I got rejected, it would completely shatter my confidence because my self-esteem was so low and crappy. And had I of had a more outgoing and charismatic personality and been more socially intelligent, I may have been more romantically successful despite my physical disadvantages.


The only reason I started dating at 26 was because I started looking for international girls. Had I of stayed in America, I would have highly likely been a 30 year old who's never dated.



babybird
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 49,132
Location: UK

03 Jul 2022, 10:50 am

I was such a slut.

Probably had more to do with me having significant daddy issues rather than me having aspergers syndrome.



Muse933277
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 631

03 Jul 2022, 12:46 pm

babybird wrote:
I was such a slut.

Probably had more to do with me having significant daddy issues rather than me having aspergers syndrome.



It helps to be a young attractive woman too.

If you want to get laid, you're getting laid.



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 25,606
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

04 Jul 2022, 8:54 am

Muse933277 wrote:
However, I think for the majority of men with autism, if they want a girlfriend, their best bet is to pursue similar girls who may be nerdy/quirky/neurodivergent themselves. These women may be less likely to reject them.
That's the approach that ultimately worked for me.
Muse933277 wrote:
I think one big difference between men with autism who struggle and those that don't, is how open minded they are with dating different kinds of women. The guys who only want to date really pretty girls who look a specific way, and who they may not necessarily have a lot in common with, are more likely to struggle, compared to someone who's more open minded and is willing to date a wider variety of people in terms of physical appearance but they have more in common with.
My standards were extremely low compared to most people. Physical appearance was not important to me & my only real deal breakers were having kids, being a bit older than me, & being a guy; yet I MAJORLY struggled to get a relationship. I have other various mental & physical disabilities that majorly limit me with lots of life things. I sought out women who were disabled & had various mental issues & almost none were interested me. I even seriously considered having a gay relationship because gay guys were the only people interested in me but I decided not to cuz I realized it was mostly a sexual thing with them. More than a few people had thought I was a closeted homosexual :oops: I got told by various people I talked to about my struggles with getting a girlfriend that I was too desperate. I also got told that I needed to improve my life in various ways I had been trying my best to but was constantly running in place. I even got accused of being a misogynist & a potential rapist even thou I'm a male feminist & I'm sort of on the asexuality spectrum & am OK being in a sexless relationship & most of my online friends were women. I never conformed to the male stereotype & people do not know what to make of me.

It's hard to say what my dating & relationship life woulda been like if I were NT since I have other various disabilities that majorly limit me but I do know that the combination of having Aspergers as well directly & indirectly makes things worse even thou I can not say how much or to what extent. I probably woulda done better with employment if I were NT & if I had done better with employment, I woulda done better with relationships. Women might of been more accepting of me working a federal unskilled minimum-wage job while also being on SSI instead of me being unemployed & just on SSI. I might of had more friends at work & some of them might woulda set me up with someone or I coulda met someone through them. I might of also had non-work friends that also might of set me up or lead to me meeting a woman who was interested in me. I probably would gave off much fewer vibes that tended to give others very wrong negative impressions about me.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


Mitchell M.
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 5 Jul 2022
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Posts: 43
Location: United States

05 Jul 2022, 10:48 am

Muse933277 wrote:
babybird wrote:
I was such a slut.

Probably had more to do with me having significant daddy issues rather than me having aspergers syndrome.



It helps to be a young attractive woman too.

If you want to get laid, you're getting laid.


You realize that in terms of love dolls men have so many more options so its fair.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 110,420
Location: the island of defective toy santas

05 Jul 2022, 7:07 pm

Mitchell M. wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
babybird wrote:
I was such a slut.
Probably had more to do with me having significant daddy issues rather than me having aspergers syndrome.

It helps to be a young attractive woman too. If you want to get laid, you're getting laid.

You realize that in terms of love dolls [richer] men have so many more options so its fair.

[amended it] for ya ;) my silicone suzy has taken the sting out of being socially invisible. :heart: but as a young poor man with much more testosterone than ca$h, i'd have been up blue balls creek without a paddle.



orbweaver
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 12 Jun 2022
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 155
Location: NorCal

05 Jul 2022, 7:43 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
However, I think for the majority of men with autism, if they want a girlfriend, their best bet is to pursue similar girls who may be nerdy/quirky/neurodivergent themselves. These women may be less likely to reject them.

I knew this kid with autism from high school and he was one of the few autistic people in my program that actually had a girlfriend. Why? Because he pursued a similarly nerdy and quirky girl who was also into videogames and anime. He didn't waste his time pursuing the conventional 8/10 blondes who like to party and have never touched a video game in their life. I really do think there are women out there who are willing to date us. Not all women are shallow and want the conventional man in terms of looks or lifestyle, it's just finding these women who are like us.



I've had to sit with how I managed to date so much when I was younger, does it mean something relative to my autism, and the answer I come up with every time is that I was a cute girl who was really deep in computer nerd, sci fi, and tabletop gaming culture and then later I worked at tech companies.

The odds were good (but the goods were odd).


_________________
"A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us." - Franz Kafka

ASD (dx. 2004, Asperger's Syndrome) + ADHD


auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 110,420
Location: the island of defective toy santas

05 Jul 2022, 7:49 pm

^^^i like the your wordplay there :wtg:



orbweaver
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 12 Jun 2022
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 155
Location: NorCal

05 Jul 2022, 10:34 pm

auntblabby wrote:
^^^i like the your wordplay there :wtg:


Feel free to take "the odds are good," it's an old one!


_________________
"A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us." - Franz Kafka

ASD (dx. 2004, Asperger's Syndrome) + ADHD


auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 110,420
Location: the island of defective toy santas

06 Jul 2022, 12:20 am

oldie but goodie like lots of the best things :)



orbweaver
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 12 Jun 2022
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 155
Location: NorCal

06 Jul 2022, 11:24 pm

I had no trouble meeting people in my teens and early twenties, but probably common for a lot of cute teenage girls who for whatever reason are set back in adulthood, it peaked early. I didn't really learn anything from any of these experiences that could be applied to my future relationships. Dating as a teenager did not teach me anything about dating as an adult except that it gets harder to find a new relationship with anyone NTs consider "relationship material" when you are in any way decompensated (and many NTs, especially ones who had it relatively easy, often aren't understanding).

I realized at some point that getting lots of dates and having lots of people wanting to sleep with you, as a young woman between 16-21, does not mean you will be seen as marriage material as an adult. In fact most of the girls I knew who DID find a serious partner in their 20s, weren't even that popular in their teens. No experience from my teen years had any bearing on what adult dating or socializing would be like.

In fact, if I'd been NT I suspect I might have dated a lot *less* because being a better performer in school/more socially successful might have made me feel less anxious for a relationship. But it was easier for me to get dates than to actually make friends, and guys being interested in me made for about 90% of my having a social life at that age.

Interestingly, in my late 30s, I realized my friend skills sucked and *that's* what needed the help, and it's after working on my friend skills for years and getting better at making and holding on to friendships, that I got better at relationships too.

It's interesting to me to run into people that believe in "hitting the wall" (this is common in RedPill discourse) because I very much feel like I "hit the wall" and at the age they're talking about. I suspect that this, if it were to actually be a thing, is the point at which a young woman can no longer get by solely on 1) being attractive coupled with 2) the relative inexperience of the men around her.


_________________
"A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us." - Franz Kafka

ASD (dx. 2004, Asperger's Syndrome) + ADHD


Muse933277
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 631

07 Jul 2022, 1:08 am

I didn't date prior to the age of 21 simply because I was too afraid to talk to girls and had no idea what I was doing.

I didn't date at 20-23 because even though I got a lot more friendly and started asking girls out, I wasn't very attractive. I was short, underweight, bad haircut, and I looked in the wrong places, so I always got rejected.


I didn't date at 24 or 25 because even though I was more muscular and filled out (especially at 25) I was still traumatized by all the rejection I received in my early twenties to the point that getting rejected by just 1 girl would be enough to completely shatter my world. Plus I got involved with the incel/blackpill crowd telling me how ugly and worthless I was and I believed it.

I only started dating at 26/27 because I went international and started dating women overseas. I don't necessarily recommend this to most people but for me, this was my way of escaping inceldom and it got me some experience with women.



shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,810

07 Jul 2022, 8:34 pm

You can't do a controlled experiment

I am not cisgender

Dating would have been easier than it is now

But not that easy