People who ask you "and?" when you are talking...

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hellhole
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03 Jul 2022, 3:26 am

Hi all, this is probably some pop-culture (it's the in thing atm isn't it) pdd-nos thing, as I recall reading one of the critera was "will continue the convo if structure is present" I am guessing a few nons know this and I am probably some easy target for the wind up merchant in them.

Have you ever encountered anyone who does this to you? Like you are talking to them and trying to make a point, and they say "and?" after every time you talk in this slightly patronizing way, unless I clearly assert the point that this upsets me and it's annoying, I don't like it when they do this, it typically continues and it's placed with a couple "whys?" and "what's?" in between.

Basically they are either trying to wind you up, being a knob, or just treating you differently in some way, it's just stuff like this that gets under my skin to be honest. It's folks "being funny" with me as this is itself is just very damaging to my confidence/self-esteem at best. I's in the same category as "triggers" as "get out of the house more" or being obssessed with you talking, or saying "well say hello then" in some odd kinda way, like "prompting me to talk" in this patronizing way, if someone does this and I am on ok terms with them usually being a bit snappy or just plain telling them stops it, if this makes sense (someone else on this forum made a post about this).

Usually it's one or two members of my family, or occasionally it's some semi-acquaintance who I have known for a short while, within that short while they probably detect (in a pop-culture kinda way) I have this and from then on it's the decider as to keep them as a mate or let them go... lately I have been mentally-setting up a three-strike system as someone else suggested for triggering people, like if it continues and crosses and line I can create boundaries and basically tell them if it continues I won't talk to them much anymore to put it nicely.

long term friends are hit and miss with (I digress) being treat differently, there's one or two who are ok, one or two in the ex-friends bin, like using my triggers against me etc.

Wondering if anyone else had experience with this, if you have told them to pack this in, or what you've done about it? I know i'll get a couple of responders.


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babybird
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03 Jul 2022, 7:54 am

I can't remember this happening to me specifically but I have seen/heard people do this to other people.

It's not a very nice thing to do actually.


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kraftiekortie
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03 Jul 2022, 8:27 am

I’ve had that happen to me.

Of course, it’s condescending.

I doubt the person saying “and…?” would like that to be said to him/her.



naturalplastic
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03 Jul 2022, 9:52 am

Gosh. Never experienced this.

How does it work? Examples?



kraftiekortie
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03 Jul 2022, 10:08 am

When this happens, it’s sort of the same as “So, what else is new?”

It’s devaluing a person’s contribution to the discussion.

Like: “Trump is a doo-doo head.” The response might be: “So? What else is new?” Or it could be: “And?”

It’s a condescending person who thinks he’s hip saying you’re not hip.

It’s also similar to: “What you said is so obvious that it’s meaningless.”



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 03 Jul 2022, 10:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

naturalplastic
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03 Jul 2022, 10:16 am

I guess it could be said in either a friendly way, or in a snarky way.

Once MANY years ago the boss of the stationery store I worked at was complaining about not finding decent folks to hire. I overhead SOME of the job interviews. I said "the folks you interview are...illiterate?" He said yes ....AND... inviting me to say "incompentent.. AND.bat s**t crazy. AND..etc etc. But that was in a friendly "I wanna commiserate with someone" kinda way.



kraftiekortie
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03 Jul 2022, 10:21 am

It could be friendly, too….but in my experience, it’s dismissive.



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03 Jul 2022, 10:24 am

Well it seems to make op feel uncomfortable so I'll take it that they have experienced it in a negative way.

I took it to be like when someone is talking and talking and talking and when they stop the other person asks "have you finished".

I mean that is just rude.


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babybird
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03 Jul 2022, 10:29 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
When this happens, it’s sort of the same as “So, what else is new?”

It’s devaluing a person’s contribution to the discussion.

Like: “Trump is a doo-doo head.” The response might be: “So? What else is new?” Or it could be: “And?”

It’s a condescending person who thinks he’s hip saying you’re not hip.

It’s also similar to: “What you said is so obvious that it’s meaningless.”


Yeah like if someone says "and, what of it".


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DanielW
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03 Jul 2022, 10:34 am

It can be dismissive and condescending. It can be useful also as an indication that what ever story you are telling or information you are trying to relate is too complex or there is too much extraneous information. Someone might not be able to figure out what point you are trying to make.

"And...what would you like me to do about it"

"And...what happened next", etc.

"And what does that long winded monologue you just gave me have to do with my question?"



Ihatemylife34
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03 Jul 2022, 11:35 am

My sister does this constantly, and she includes a nice hand gesture with it, moving it around in a circle. It makes me feel incredibly stupid, and beyond that, when I do get to the point, she acts like it's the dumbest thing that she has ever heard. The rest of the family thinks I am the problem when I try to bring it up, so I've suffered mostly in silence. Anyway, you're definitely not alone in this!



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03 Jul 2022, 11:38 am

Ihatemylife34 wrote:
My sister does this constantly, and she includes a nice hand gesture with it, moving it around in a circle. It makes me feel incredibly stupid, and beyond that, when I do get to the point, she acts like it's the dumbest thing that she has ever heard. The rest of the family thinks I am the problem when I try to bring it up, so I've suffered mostly in silence. Anyway, you're definitely not alone in this!


Your sister's rude


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hellhole
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03 Jul 2022, 1:11 pm

babybird wrote:
It's not a very nice thing to do actually.



kraftiekortie wrote:
Of course, it's condescending


My thoughts exactly. I did go on a bit in the OP, it wasn't meant to sound hateful but I wanted pepes who related, and a chance to share experiences on this forum, and/or vent on behalf of said person. The next most related topic would be "people who try to wind you up", I recall there were 10 people who said yes, chances are, the inviduals who try to wind up the responder and the same variety to ask you "and" etc. whenever you are talking, it's the same sorta dealo. I guess it's a real thing.

Yeah.

babybird wrote:
Well it seems to make op feel uncomfortable so I'll take it that they have experienced it in a negative way.

I took it to be like when someone is talking and talking and talking and when they stop the other person asks "have you finished".

I mean that is just rude.

Ya in a negative way, or "will this take long?" seems like when I want to talk to someone briefly for like 30 seconds about something that bothers me they quite quickly write me off like they don't care about my feelings or what I have to say, just like "shut up, meg", what Peter says to Meg in Family Guy :roll: When I express my concern over being unheard, putting it lightly (i.e. every time I bring something up for a short while you just walk away, despite one or two friends saying "yeah you can never say too much hellhole".), it's bizarrely ended by the silent treatment on behalf of one or two people. The worst thing that I recall that has ever happened to me in this situation is when (an interested party) practically put me in a situation where they repeatedly did this and made some low-grade jerk comment about how much I was talking, wtf.

It may also have something to do with the notion that people with asd traits get "abuse" from others, I searched this on the forum and someone reponded that it's unlikely people with asd traits have some magnetic aura that attracts abuse, but rather that the traits themselves and the notions/vulnerabilities surrounding them might occasionally cause other people to auto-treat them in a spiteful way, so therefor it could be taken as mildly abusive, elsewise condescending treatment or name-calling can't really be good for that persons confidence. It's the same with one or two busdrivers I've met before, said people probably presume I am inept or something and like "auto-correct/mildly humiliate) me over the most minor altercation.


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Last edited by hellhole on 03 Jul 2022, 1:36 pm, edited 5 times in total.

hellhole
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03 Jul 2022, 1:21 pm

babybird wrote:
Ihatemylife34 wrote:
My sister does this constantly, and she includes a nice hand gesture with it, moving it around in a circle. It makes me feel incredibly stupid, and beyond that, when I do get to the point, she acts like it's the dumbest thing that she has ever heard. The rest of the family thinks I am the problem when I try to bring it up, so I've suffered mostly in silence. Anyway, you're definitely not alone in this!


Your sister's rude


;(


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ThisTimelessMoment
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04 Jul 2022, 1:26 am

One other possible interpretation would be if you ever leave sentences hanging without finishing them. I used to do that a lot when talking and trying to work out how best to say something. I would stop talking at a point which my words indicated was not the end of the sentence. I think I got this response sometimes as a result.
These days I am aware of this and make sure I make an end to each sentence.


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04 Jul 2022, 2:33 am

Perhaps your best defense is to have a specific response that you will use each time someone is rude to you with the “..and?”
Maybe you say “yep.”
And end it there.
Does that make sense - maybe not but maybe it doesn’t matter. Then they can explain themselves less rudely or just end the conversation there.
If you were hoping for a way to continue the conversation or make the rude people less rude, that is probably impossible.